someonesomewhere Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 Hi all, Have been in a very tumultuous relationship for the past almost two years now. It's been rocky for a while, and since returning from a trip abroad in January, my SO has made it increasingly clear that he wants to readjust our relationship into something more platonic. I've made it clear I don't want to downgrade, as it were, to that, and for the past few months we've sort of slowly been figuring out a way to deal with the fall-out from that. At some point, in January, he had made it clear that things between us were indefinitely over. The relationship had taken a pretty big toll on my self esteem -- I really internalized his constant hedging and failure to commit or compromise as some shortcoming on my part. I no longer trusted him, and so -- I guess in an effort to understand things better, and seek some validation -- I contacted his ex to get his side of the story regarding why their relationship ended. (My SO took the loss of that relationship very hard, which he claimed partly influenced why he struggled so much with me) The ex didn't reply, and I promptly forgot about it, until about two weeks ago, when he responded and said was happy to help, and we could talk by phone. By this point, my SO and I were barely seeing each other. I agreed to talk to the ex, and he recounted some details about their relationship -- not much that I hadn't already heard, but he had some of the same frustrations that I've encountered, and what I took away from it was that my SO had many of the same issues then (controlling, rigid, uncompromising, uncommunicative, selfish). My SO continued limited contact via email and text, and I finally saw him again for the first time in many weeks last night. He's insisted he wants to maintain friendship, but I've made it clear that's too difficult for me right now, and that we need to remain apart unless he's willing to make adjustments. I, with great regret, asked him to leave me alone indefinitely, but he goaded me ("I'm sorry you're rejecting our friendship because of your ego") into replying, and we argued on the phone. He later texted to say it felt unresolved, and asked me to meet him. I agreed, but he didn't seem to have any intention of resolving things and tried to carry on with some lighthearted banter. We talked a little, and I also decided to tell him that I had contacted his ex. He then became enraged -- we left, he called me a "despicable person," said I'd disappointed him more than even his ex had, warned me to never contact him again, etc. We texted briefly afterwards. I apologized, and expressed my hope for his understanding and forgiveness, but he has remained silent. I'm conflicted about the situation -- I'm trying to give him space, because he is understandably upset, and I certainly crossed a line. On the other hand, he had made it clear that he no longer wanted to be together, and he hasn't been in contact with the ex in several years -- it was a drastic decision, but one that I felt would interfere minimally, if at all, with my SO's life now, and I have to say that the validation and understanding that my conversation with the ex brought me felt like a huge relief after all of the volatility and turbulence I've experienced with my SO. I feel strongly that it was the right thing to do for myself, and that I did it carefully. I was also careful not to provide any information about my SO's current life to the ex, and I think that ultimately, it is better that I told my SO about it now, rather than keep it from him. I guess I'm just hoping for some advice. I know he feels hurt and betrayed right now, and I'm hoping he'll be able to see past that and recognize that we also have been very good influences on each other in many ways. Is there anything I can do to remind him of that? Or is the best thing for me to just leave him alone? Please help. I need all the support I can get right now.
olddirtyspatula Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Hi all, ("I'm sorry you're rejecting our friendship because of your ego") That's not a real apology, that's an insult. I hope you know that. "despicable person," said I'd disappointed him more than even his ex had, warned me to never contact him again, etc. He shouldn't be comparing you to his ex. I feel like I'd need to know more than can be transmitted over a forum to understand this dynamic, the invisible third in your love triangle, but i'm pretty confident that in no way does it lead to good things. You probably shouldn't have done that and I bet he feels trespassed upon, but it definitely doesn't make you a despicable or disappointing person. Just a but of a trespassing one :-P we also have been very good influences on each other in many ways. How so? Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions but he kind of sounds like a control freak. Maybe he just wants you to think he's good for you. It really sounds like he's not. It sounds like he keeps you constantly spinning so you can't make any steps forward.
olddirtyspatula Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I'm sorry if I'm way off and projecting, but this sounds SO MUCH like someone I used to know that I can't get it out of my head. My perception is that this person thinks his ex hurt him because he's super sensitive but in reality he's excessively egotistical to the point of narcissism and it's the blow to his ego that someone would dare reject him that hurts the most. It's consistent with his calling you a despicable person for contacting his ex. I mean, in all honesty probably no one would be happy with that, but the fact that he sees it as an offense against him, that you've done a despicable act to him, shows to me that it's again all about his ego, and that you usurped control over what he means to people, that you had something to do with people in his life and he couldn't control it. Even if I'm wrong about the reasons why, this sounds incredibly toxic. Get out now and never look back. You're not a despicable person, you just had needs that were persistently unmet and in desperate frustration you reached out in an inappropriate way. In the future avoid situations that make you get to the point where that sounds like a good idea.
Ruby65 Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Your SO has told you the romantic relationship between the two of you is over, and like many dumpers he's asking you to stay in his life as just a friend. This is selfish and unrealistic of him. Go NC and give yourself time to heal. The people here will help you through this. Contact with your SO will only bring you more pain right now. Maybe you crossed a line by contacting his ex, but if it helped you get some closure and healing, so what? Don't settle for friendship when you want more -- and don't settle for a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be with you 100%, forever and always!! You deserve better! Keep posting. Read about NC here on this board. This is the single most important tool to help you heal from all this. It gets better, honest!
Chi townD Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Ditch him. Sorry. But, he's showing what kind of a douche rocket he is. He got his panties in a wad because you won't conform to his rules. Screw him! He made the choice to have you out of his life, he needs to live with the consquences of his decisions. Not to string you along and fill you with false hope when his intention is to keep you around for a possible booty call.
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