littleandbig Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 I have been searching these forums for the past week and like most, my situation doesn't really fit any of the other posts and wanted to get some advice or at least a completely independent look at a really confusing situation. A little background: I dated my ex for 3 almost 4 years, and I was emotionally immature and didn't have a good grasp on my feelings I got scared because she was perfect for me and I had real feelings for her, and broke up with her twice, the first for a day, and the second over 8 months ago. I know that sounds stupid and even writing it is crazy but it is the truth. We didn't speak for over 6 months and then she contacted me. During that time, I figured out my problems emotionally and take steps everyday to make sure that I will never repeat those in any relationship again. During this time, I really tried to move on and dated other girls and she dated other people as well. The present: Fast forward to now and my honest and true feelings for her have convinced me that she is someone I really do have feelings for and I could definitely see myself marrying and spending the rest of my life with. I know that I cannot repeat my past mistakes in ANY relationship and the confidence in myself as well as emotional honesty is growing by leaps and bounds. Because I am convinced that I am not going to repeat these past behaviors and that she is an absolutely amazing girl for me and the one I would love to be with for the rest of my life, I expressed that to her. Of course, it floored and confused her at first and I understand that. But since she is important to me, and I didn't want to have the regret of never telling her that, I did tell her. Here is the confusing and tricky part. We have been talking, emailing, and have seen each other twice over the past two weeks. We talk for long periods of time and she has expressed that I am the one for her but at the same time she hates me because of breaking up with her out of the blue. Of course, I can't convince her that I shut down in the relationship long before I broke up with her but that is besides the point. Both times that we have seen each other we have had really nice times and good conversation, as a side note, it always ends up with us passionately making out for a solid amount of time and last weekend when we were together we did a little more than that but both of us agreed that sex isn't appropriate yet. It is not something that I have ever planned on doing this quickly. But the first time she initiated and honestly it was pretty amazing. She admitted that she wasn't planning to do that for a couple months but she did and we both enjoyed it immensely. At first, she would text and email sweet things to me and then sometimes follow it up with "I shouldn't have said that..." but that hasn't happened very frequently since we started seeing each other. And I totally understand the reason behind the conflicting messages now. In fact, I am starting to get comfortable with these conflicting signals of loving me and wanting to be with me coupled with this large feeling of not trusting me / hating me. That comfort though is starting to worry me though. I am not sure if her actions are perfectly normal or completely abnormal given our past and the time and contacts that we are having now. I do not press the issue of getting back together although it takes every ounce of me not to . In fact, as I am typing this, she just sent me a really sweet and loving email wishing me a great Monday and week. Something we consistently did for each other in the past. We have only been talking consistently for about two weeks and have spent time with each other twice in that time period. I feel like this is a great test for the work that I have done and while it is really hard to keep going forward, I am slowly doing it! I think that the changes that I made mentally and the work that I have done is really paying off for me personally. I just don't want to drag this out for either of us but at the same time, the communication and time spent together, seems to be helping her get over the bad feelings towards me. I do not want to put a deadline on this because she is too important to me and honestly I do want to spend the rest of my life with her and since we are both in our late 20's time is on our sides . After how long we dated, and knowing who she is and who her family is, I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with her. The big question: Do I just keep riding this roller coaster of emotions? I know that I caused these feelings of mistrust when I broke up with her and really enjoy keeping in contact with her and spending time together while keeping myself healthy and happy. I don't want to give myself false hope and put a lot of stock in what she is saying but her actions coupled with what she is saying is telling me that she is coming around at her own speed. OR Do I cut the line, start NC, and let her come back to me? The cut the line option doesn't really seem to be appropriate given the short time we have been consistently talking to each other and the fact that she is slowly starting to warm up. The question remains though, how healthy, for both of us, is it to continue these interactions before it just makes things worse for her. Is this helping her? I am very conscious and sensitive of how my actions do hurt people now and don't want to ever repeat that again but I do want to give this the honest shot to making this work for the rest of our lives. I am open to opinions and slightly worried that I am too deep into this to see that this is crazy and thus why I am posting on this forum. I have really enjoyed reading other peoples opinons on there questions and issues and hope to get the same dialog going. Thank you in advanced!
Philosoraptor Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 What you need to do is put your foot down and setup some boundaries. If you want her back you need to make it clear you are willing to accept no less than a relationship. If she is noncommittal you need to walk away and work on moving on. If she is willing to continue the relationship you two need to talk about how to stop the same pattern from happening.
Author littleandbig Posted June 18, 2012 Author Posted June 18, 2012 I really appreciate your response. But have some thoughts... I have made it really clear that I will accept nothing less than a relationship and I think rehashing that with her again and again might put some unintended pressure at a time where that is not what she needs. She definitely knows where I stand and my intentions on being committed to her. With respect to your comment about boundaries, what exactly do you mean? I really do want her to feel comfortable being around me and being able to call or email. I don't really have a problem with that because each day the communication gets much more friendly and thoughtful as if she is slowly turning the corner. I know there isn't an answer to this question but in terms of time, I think that two weeks is probably a little too short to start putting the screws to her. But putting my foot down at some point in the future is definitely going to happen. But here is the deal, her grandma died a month ago, a guy she was dating she told two weeks ago that she didn't want to see him anymore, and so for the last two weeks, her head has been spinning. That is why I want to be gentle with her and give her space to center herself. But at the same time, I want to still be in loving gentle contact with her and spend time face to face. We have spoken about how to stop the same pattern from happening and we seem to both agree that the words and intentions are correct but that actions speak way louder than words. I agree with this whole hardily and really don't see how not being patient with her would help the situation. She says that there is just still a part in her that is really fighting with going forward right now. So that is why I send nice texts, emails, and spend time with her when we can. It is something that I intend to do for the rest of our relationship so it is not something that is difficult to do and I think that it is helping her with that fear. Still confused what to do but really appreciate the response!
daphne Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 Little, You would be better served in your situation to be patient and consistent if you mean it when you say you want her back. This is not going to be an easy win with her and it shouldn't after the way you let her go. Having been in her shoes, you are putting her on an emotional roller coaster. But she's still talking to you. So give her space, continue to be patient and consistent and see how things progress in the next month or two. If it isn't progressing, you may want to reconsider at that time. If you do it now, you won't get another chance. I am speaking from personal experience. You will come across as selfish (because it will be) and untrustworthy. She is testing you right now, and she's emotional. If you want her to forgive and forget, you're going to have to wait it out and see if she can get past the negative feelings she has now. There's no guarantee. However, I would be willing to bet money if you pull the chord right now again, you won't have another chance. Good luck. 1
Author littleandbig Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 Daphne, Thank you so much for your response as well. I really do mean what I say and do want her back and your advice about being patient and consistent really resonated with me. For some reason the switch clicked and after reading your post I really released that impatience and confusion that I had and converted into understanding the situation. It was really a great feeling. Recently, I came to the conclusion that I am going to do the things that come from the heart each day because that is what I will do for whoever I am with. Nothing big, but just nice a loving text, or phone call just to see how her day went or just to tell her how much I appreciate her. One question though, I know that the texts or phone calls are not coming with ulterior motives to win her back but truly to tell her how much I appreciate the great qualities about her. But, do you think doing this daily is too much at this point? I don't want to come across as being needy or attached but I truly do appreciate her and want her to know that each day and honestly, it is something that I really enjoy doing. I do totally understand what you are saying about seeing how things progress over the next month or two and I think that sounds like a great idea. I don't want to put getting into a relationship on hold for too long though! I love who I am becoming and honestly I am excited to either share it with her (in time), or if she calls it off someone else! I have made the promise to myself that I will not pressure her in any way or form, but I also want to be able to walk away with my head held high knowing that I was loving and caring each day during this confusing and difficult time for her. I also would like her to get used to having me telling and showing her everyday how much I appreciate her because that isn't going to stop if we do get back together. Thanks again for your great insight and honesty. I really appreciate it and because you were in the situation, it really goes a long way.
wilsonx Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 You arent ready for a reconciliation at all. You are bouncing. One second you know she's the one, the next second you are able to walk away from the relationship with your "head held high" (ego) Imagine how confusing this is to her!
Author littleandbig Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 Wilson, I can see how you could interpret what I said as bouncing, but I might substitute that word with balancing. I am 100% committed to being with her if she chooses and know that she would be an amazing person to spend the rest of my life with. At the same time, I am 100% committed to respecting her decision not to be with me. Thus the substitution with balancing. The choice is hers, and I know that the only thing I can do is just keep being a loving person towards her and let her know how much I really do appreciate and respect her. I know that I can only control myself and cannot control anyone else. That is why I put equal weight on either decision. Hoping for her to take me back isn't something that I am going to be attached to even though that is what I would clearly like for her to choose. Without the attachment to her decision I know that I can be authentic to her and give her the love that she deserves without worrying about what she decides to do and without putting pressure on her. Call it what it is, but I feel that it allows me to keep improving and taking care of myself instead of waiting/worrying about her decision. Now, I am not looking to be with anyone else during this period but I have to be realistic that this could be something I have to face eventually. Not continuing to take care of myself will only delay finding someone who will also be an equally amazing person to be with. I do really appreciate your comment though. I appreciate the honest reply and I like to be called out and listen to other's opinions!
daphne Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 To answer your question, I wouldn't do anything daily. It's a lot of pressure. That's the opposite of how you want to approach this. Too much or too little is not good. Consistency is key, but that doesn't mean every day consistency. I will say, that I have to agree with Wilson, however. If you are in one breath saying that you want to m ake it up to her, but are ready to move on with someone else, you probably just want what you can't have. If you were sincere, you wouldn't already be looking forward to the next person. You'd want to stick it out and see where it goes and if it doesn't work out, you move on. I also agree that if he can see that, she can see that. My ex didn't seem to like that I wasn't willing to open my arms and take him back and got impatient and tried to let me know in his gamey way that he was moving on. That was enough for me to never want to talk to him again, even as a friend. So he's now compounding regret on regret. It never occurred to him that he would have to be understanding about what he put me through, because he was pretty selfish. And now I don't care.
Boynextdoor Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 I also agree that if he can see that, she can see that. My ex didn't seem to like that I wasn't willing to open my arms and take him back and got impatient and tried to let me know in his gamey way that he was moving on. That was enough for me to never want to talk to him again, even as a friend. So he's now compounding regret on regret. It never occurred to him that he would have to be understanding about what he put me through, because he was pretty selfish. And now I don't care. Now this one intrigued me. Well, my ex haven't contacted me yet. I've seen that "dumpers" do come back sooner or later. Its just that what intrigued me was to how they work generally? I've went NC not to retaliate nor play games with her. But to just stand back while she does her soul searching. I went NC to feel that I am appreciated again that my efforts and my deeds was sincere. Now your statement is coming from what? a dumpers pov or a dumpees pov?
daphne Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Now your statement is coming from what? a dumpers pov or a dumpees pov? Dumpee's point of view, who became dumper.
Boynextdoor Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Dumpee's point of view, who became dumper. I knew it. Just have to confirm it from you validate my thoughts. haha!
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