I was the emotional abuser...now what do I do to better myself?

[Babolat]

After doing a lot for reading and self discovery I now know I was emotionally abusive in my marriage. I hate it, it makes me sick knowing what I did. There was no physical violence, though I now know the emotional is just as bad. What's strange is I think I knew this in my marriage and did not know how to stop it. In retrospect I now see it and understand it and see all the signs.

 

I do not miss my marriage, I do not want her back, I feel happier now than ever, though I am scared I could do this again. I want help though everything I read says I am a monster, I am a bad person, I cannot change, etc.

 

I am now dating a girl who recently told me her last 2 relationships were emotionally and physcially abusive, so now I am even more scared and worried. The physical abuse for her was VERY bad, life threatening abuse. This is what got me reading and researching again.

 

The problem is, all the self help stuff out there is for the victim, not the abuser. I did find one book for the victim that tells you how to recognize the abuser, what the signs are, why they do it (Control, entitlement, jealousy, insecrue, etc), that it's not how the abuser feels that causes this, it's how they think. I am almost shaking reading this book, knowing how I was. I am getting headaches, I feel very anxious..and honestly I am sick to my stomach knowing how I was.

 

I am praying a lot for forgiveness and for guidance. I never want to put another human being thru this again.

 

Without knowing it I am already practicing some things with the girl I am dating. Letting her know when I feel hurt versus shutting down, the silent treatment. Sharing more and more. Though I feel jealous at times (she has male friends she does things with) and insecure, I do not share it with her, I own it and work on it with myself. I am also giving her a lot of space, letting her be her. She has thanked me for this many times.

 

It's only been 3+ months for us, no arguments, no disputes.

 

So, what do I do? And, do I share this with her? If yes, how?

 

 

Thanks

[hechicera]

I probably don't have much advise here, but having been in an emotionally abusive relationship as the victim I admire you for recognizing your problem and wanting to change. That's a huge deal since most abusers either don't recognize it or don't want to change. Good for you! I would say if you have no control over it seek for professional help. Sometimes dealing with all those emotions by yourself can be overwhelming. Good luck

[Babolat]

Thanks and I am sorry you had to go thru this.

 

If you were dating someone new, that you liked, it's been 3-4 months...would you want to know this about them? My guess is yes. Once you know this, then what?

 

I am in counseling, though she tells me it's from my childhood, having been raised by an emotionally abusive to me, and physically and emotionally abusive to my mom, dad. When it comes up she says "It's from your childhood, that is how you relate in a relationship". She gives me "tips" if you will, to be betterr now in a relationship. She talks to me about thinking about things differently. Her tips help though I stil have concerns.

 

I blamed it on my childhood until I started reading a new book on the subject. BTW, blame seems to be a common theme, where the abuser does have a reason for why they are the way they are, and most are myths per this book.

 

The book I am now reading says that is a myth, that less than 20% of abusers do not report a childhood with emotional or physical abuse. So it's a bit confusing to me.

[hechicera]

I do believe that childhood shapes us into who we are today, it has a lot to do with it and it makes sense when you look back... it's not all though and once you recognize things I believe you should be able to change it.

 

About the question, after being in that kind of relationship and having gone through all I had to go through honestly, yes I'd like to know about my partner being that way, but unless I am confident enough that it wont even happen again I would run. At this time and as soon as it's been for me (over 2 years I broke up with him) I wouldn't want to be romantically involved with someone abusive. I've learned and I know some things I shouldn't accept anymore, but yet I'm still vulnerable to get back in the cycle if I don't pay attention. If you still don't trust yourself or think you're not ready yet, don't get too involved.

[Babolat]

Thanks LadyGrey

 

I should clariffy...I knew towards the end of my marriage I was emotionally abusive...I simply did not know what to do. I recognized it, i hated it, I felt horrible after a verbal exchange...I simply did not know what to do. We tried couples counseling, though that was more "be nice to each other" kind of coaching.

 

The day I moved out she told me, for the first time, how I made her feel, which she was never able to do in the marriage. It hurt hearing her say what she said. Though I understood it and I realized then how emotionally abusive I had been and how I had messed things up. If she was able to talk more in the marriage about how she was feeling, would it have helped. I don't know, I think it would have as she shared things with me the day I moved out I have never heard anyone say before and it opened my eyes wider than they were prior.

 

So I was not clear, I knew about my behavior/abuse while in the marriage. I did not have the skills or tools to know what to do..and honestly, I think it was too late anyway. I was reading "how to improve your marriage" type books then versus "you are emotionally abusive, what to do" type books.

 

The marriage ended over 15 months ago. I moved out when she told me how she felt and what I had done. I felt horrible and sick for how I had destroyed her and the marriage. So I left.

 

I have realized it was not the right relationship for me and I am happy the marriage is over. I do feel horrible for my abuse though...that was simply wrong.

 

I have been in counseling ever since. It was not until the girl I am dating mentioned her past 2 relationships that I started to dig into this even deeper again on my own.

 

I do feel healthier, I do feel like I have the tools and skills from my counseling that I am using\applying, that are working.

 

My counselor knows about her abusive past relationships. My counselor thinks I am better, that I just need some coaching now.

 

I think what's going on with me now is I am re-living my marriage having heard her share some of the details of the physical abuse she went thru. When she was sharing with me I started having memories of my marriage. I think I am beating myself up again, and maybe I should, I don't know.

 

Her very physical abusive relationship was over 11 years ago and I honestly beliive she has worked thru it..she comes across as very strong, confident, independent, free spirted. I would have never known had she not shared this with me. Her sharing it with me caused me to start thinking about myself again. Her last relationship was emotionally abusive, one time physical and she left immediately then.

Edited June 18, 2012 by Babolat

[mortensorchid]

If you believe that you were emotionally abusive towards someone, the best thing to do is to get professional help. Do people change? Yes, they can, but only with hard work and a true effort to change.

[Babolat]

It's great that you are working on yourself and you are making progress from the sound of it. Kudos!

 

Have you told your g/f of your past abusive behavior?

 

Also I find it concerning that you said the very abusive relationship was 11 years ago but the other one was more recent, how recent?

 

 

I believe that if you told her of your past and if her recent abusive relationship is not so far in the past, she would not take that risk if she were healthy despite her outward appearance of being independent. You may think i'm projecting my own experience when I share parts of my story with you but I'm telling you because I want you to get that I did not address how and why I got into the 2nd relationship in between the two.

 

The 1st was when I was very young, he was jealous, passive aggressive and made me feel like I was not enough and that everything was my fault, there is more, but you get the pic.

 

The 2nd time was 20 plus years later. It was as bad if not worse that the 1st time.

 

My point.........had I been emotionally healthy I would have saw the warning signs right away and backed out but I was not healthy the 2nd time. I had not addressed it completely. So........I believe that any woman who has previously been abused and who is healthy will not risk in any way the possibility of getting involved with someone who doesn't have it together yet.

 

You could say I'm being her advocate here.

 

I have told her about my childhood, growing up with a father who beat my mom and emotionally abused me and my mom.

 

I have told her how bad the arguments were in my marriage, how hatefull they got. I told her about two really bad incidents and how I felt about it afterwards and how my ex felt afterwards. I have told her about my silent treatments when I was hurt. I have not used the word "abuse" though.

 

Her last relationship ended 8+ months ago. We have known each other for 3+ months. I do not know all of the details, other than he was controlling and jealous. There was a physical incident and she left then. She has explained to me how in both relationships the men changed, almost instantly, after 2-3 years of being wonderful caring men. It's then, in both cases I think she saw the real man. In both cases she left them, only to have them tell her later they changed, so she went back, only to discover they had not.

 

Yes, I do think about her last relationship and is she "ready". I have asked her about it and she said yes, she is healthy and ready. When she asked me the same I told her I feel like I am in a better, healthier place though I know I have a lot of work to do, and always will.

 

I have had a few, what I now know are controlling thoughts, pop in my head with her. I use what I have learned over the past year to talk back to them, and it works. I do not put them on her. So, I know I am better though I have more and more work to do and this will always be with me is my guess.

Edited June 18, 2012 by Babolat

[Babolat]

This is going to sound harsh, but your g/f is not emotionally healthy and has not yet learned to recognize the early warning signs of abuse. You can never convince me that it takes 2-3 years to suddenly figure out that someone is or has the potential to be abusive. The signs are there 2 to 3 months in. Your g/f has not addressed her issues that cause her to pick abusive men. Also do you see that going back to these relationships after leaving is another indicator of not addressing the issue?

 

IMO, you are more aware than she is of your own issues but she is not aware of hers and you aren't going to like this but I'm telling you from my own school of hard knocks, you both are attracted to the sick part in each other and until you both address it fully and completely you will both repeat your past. Even if you do completely address yours, if she doesn't it will bring out the bad parts of yourself and you both will find yourself in the same old cycle.

 

Neither one of you are ready for a relationship, especially with each other. You need to separate yourself from her for your own sake and hers too.

 

Thanks for the feednack.

 

How does one address this with their partner without it coming across as passing judgement? I think simply ending the relationship because of an assumption of your partners emotional health would be a mistake...so how does one discuss this to learn more?