julesjane5 Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 I started dating my girlfriend a few months ago and it was going really well. However, out of the blue, her ex (not even, they were never together. This person used her for attention until someone else came along and then they broke her heart) texted her flirty things (despite them being in a relationship themselves) and she realized she still has feelings for them, so she decided she needed some time and space and we've taken a step back. We still talk about every couple of days and she says she still cares for me AND she knows she will never be able to be with this person. She also knows how much I care for her. However, I'm having a hard time knowing what to do for her. YES, I DO want to be with her but I'm not pushing for it. If it happens, it happens, I understand but I'm not sitting at home pining away, waiting. If it can happen, then GREAT!!!! I know it will not be anytime soon though. We are moving to the same city in a few months and I wouldn't even consider trying a relationship again til then. I know we still have a chance. I KNOW she still cares for me. She told me so and when we spend time together it's like we're together again. She catches herself almost kissing me, she talks about how great I am and how dumb she is for being so hung up on this other person. We cuddle, we flirt, we hold hands, she talks about how great our sex life was. We DON'T have sex, she's not one to use someone like that, which I appreciate. She's an amazing person with a great and honest heart who is open and honest with me about all of this. She would prefer to be honest and hurt me rather than lie. **Please do not tell me to just forget her and move on. This really is not what I truly want so that as advice would not be very helpful. I'm NOT putting my life on hold for her but I still want a chance. Even if we never got back together, she has been my close friend for a very long time and she is not a person I can cut out of my life like that** What I Need Help With: 1. This girl has her so beat down and hating herself that she cannot see what an amazing person she is no matter what me or anyone else says. She's convinced she doesn't deserve to be loved. What can I do to help her with this? To show her how amazing she is to me in a non-threatening but effective way? 2. Any advice towards EVENTUALLY getting her back? Or to see at least that it may have a chance? I have time and I have patience. I am not desperate and I want to do this right. Any help would be appreciated! One idea I have been given was to send her postcards on a regular basis. It worked for someone else I know. He sent his ex a card on a very regular schedule. Just something simple, nice and sweet without being mushy, pushy etc. Then, when she had gotten used to it, he just stopped. She realized then how much it (and he) meant to her and they got back together. My idea was to sent a simple post card either once a week or maybe every other week with a happy memory or positive thing about her on it (I.E. a picture of a place we went together which a short message) All while continuing to give her space and then maybe even more so it's not overwhelming. Simplicity. Then after a month or two (8 good comment/memories hypothetically) stop and see if something clicks with her. If it does, great! If not, at least I tried and can never say what if. I just want to make her feel good and see the positive while still giving her time to heal on her own. Make sense? Thoughts or suggestions? Thanks so much for reading! Let me know if I can answer one for you!
Philosoraptor Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 I'll just say this is a battle that is out of your hands. There is zero you can do to open someone else to anything and she will just follow her own desires. All you can do is take care of yourself and enjoy your life. You are welcome to be her friend but don't push anything else as she does not want that right now. The truth is her passion lies with this other person as she was quick to drop you, you are option b.
geegirl Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 Sending postcards and then yanking it back to provoke a reaction is desperate. It may have worked for your friend but all situations are different. Passive aggresive games. She's already told you she can't be with you. You are in her plain sight and she still can't accept you into her life the way you want her to and bad enough, she let you go when the ex showed up and still can't quite detach from him. If you truly want to be her friend, then be her friend eventhough I think it's unrealistic as you are emotional about her. If someone wants you, they choose you. If they won't or can't, then don't try to force it or manipulate it. She has to realize your value from within rather than you trying to create ways to instill it in her.
Eddie Edirol Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 (edited) What I Need Help With: 1. This girl has her so beat down and hating herself that she cannot see what an amazing person she is no matter what me or anyone else says. She's convinced she doesn't deserve to be loved. What can I do to help her with this? To show her how amazing she is to me in a non-threatening but effective way? 2. Any advice towards EVENTUALLY getting her back? Or to see at least that it may have a chance? I just want to make her feel good and see the positive while still giving her time to heal on her own. Make sense? Thoughts or suggestions? Thanks so much for reading! Let me know if I can answer one for you! You have to understand something. Telling her how amazing she is means nothing to her when she cant get her ex off her mind, especially since she has been RE - broken hearted. (even though they never dated, I'll call him an ex) You're in the worst situation possible, she used you for a rebound to get over her ex. That means she didnt want to be alone, and she probably wasnt fully compatible with you in the first place, so dating you might not be what she really wanted. Also, she was with you for months, and STILL couldnt forget about her ex. That means she couldnt fall fully for you, and probably couldnt be if you couldnt make her forget about her ex. So anything you do will remind her of what didnt work. She tells you what you need to hear just in case anything changes and to keep you ready, but she knows in her mind that she still needs like a year or so to get over her ex, and thats IF she stops talking to him, which she doesnt want to. So when you try to look for things to help her heal, trying to "help" her doesnt work with basic dating dynamics. Now that she is back in contact with her ex, she will be trying to earn her way into his heart again, and he a challenge. So when she knows you are waiting for her, she doesnt have to work for you, its no challenge, she has the upper hand. Reminding her of her good times just makes her pity you, and feel guilty that she led you into this relationship, when she was pretty sure it wasnt going to work, as her heart was always elsewhere. You have to turn that around. Sending her post cards every week wont help her, and your agenda, I dont think you should do that. Your best bet is to leave her alone for at least a year. Let her chase you, let her try to earn your trust again for deceiving you. Let her think that you are fading away, and she will lose you. If she has to work for your heart, thats the only thing that will motivate her heart to go your way. It might not work, depending on how hung up on this guy she is, but thats the only way. You dont have to play games, you just have to act as if you dont know each other, and you are starting to date. Dont be as available for her as you usually are. If she gives up, you can contact her in like 8 months. Keep in mind, you wont know how long she will be chasing this guy for. HNo matter what she says, you dont know why she likes this guy so much, and why she cant see your qualities over him. All I can say based on what you said so far, he's the real challenge. Also keep in mind that she might be one of those people that cant be alone, and keeps jumping from person to person, thinking that will help her get over her ex. So by the time you go looking for her in a few months, she might be with someone else. Edited June 18, 2012 by Eddie Edirol
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