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Irony: I think less of the Man that Attracted her and more highly of the Man she left

GLDheart

By GLDheart
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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GLDheart Established Member

GLDheart

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It's been almost three months of reflection upon the abrupt and cataclysmic end to my Ten year relationship with My Ex Fiancee and the Mother of my Daughter.

 

Looking back, I remember the Man I was that attracted her. He was a Man previously hardened by the abuse of a damaged woman. He had become an untrusting wolf. He was desiring of women yet content to be alone. He was full of life and energy. He was quick to explore new challenges and quick to walk away from what he didn't like. In that way he had walls of protection that could sometimes be selfish and unfair. Yet, as a result he was intruiging... someone great, that just needed a little repair...

 

Fast forward meeting the love of my life, Ten Years, a house, a baby, and an engagement.

 

Enter the new matured man. A man that was now fully open with his love. A man that could argue and be pissed yet hang in there without walking away. A man able to be firm in his stance and still end his message with punctuations of love. One that still felt the calls of the wild yet resisted them for a higher purpose. A man that put some of his personal needs of freedom aside as he went to work 60+ hours a week to pay a rediculous mortgage and provide for his (soon to be) Wife and his 3 Year old Daughter. A man that regretfully sometimes came home a bit grumpy and mentally spent from a stressful job. He knew this, yet he knew it was for a "bigger picture". He was sacrifising a bit of joy today for the choice to forge a solid bedrock financially for the future.

 

I have my regrets. I regret not seeing the change in her that she labored so meticulously to hide. I regret not stoking the embers of passion between us for a half year. I regret having my nose too close to the grindstone to lift my head up and see these signs around me.

 

However, I don't regret the man I am.

without Established Member

without

Posted
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I did not understand the reasons of the BU. but I too think that the second man is much more mature and appealing.

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GLDheart Established Member

GLDheart

Posted
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I did not understand the reasons of the BU. but I too think that the second man is much more mature and appealing.

 

If I had to sum up the BU it would be one word: FEAR

 

After nine plus years of good times and bad times but overall a good relationship, Fear of a Wedding impending. Is this all life is?

 

A 31rst Birthday right around the corner marking the wear and tear that she was feeling. Noticing the little marks of Age and FEAR of getting old.

 

While watching co-worker younger early 20 somethings act carefree and gossipy, FEAR of missing out.

 

FEAR of leaving me for the unknown... and FEAR of Staying.

 

I mourn her loss everyday. I miss my friend...

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olddirtyspatula Member

olddirtyspatula

Posted
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I think I'm about to speak contrary to LS dogma here, but don't go into full-on NC mode yet. Don't get on your knees and beg or anything, keep on keepin' on, live your life as best you can, etc, but don't alienate or castigate her just because she's afraid and doesn't know how to respond, and has unfortunately done so in a hurtful way.

 

I've been stewing all day, on this general attitude of cutting off your ex completely, and stewing in the hurt from rejection that foments into hatred. And I can't think of anything more egocentric than hating someone for not wanting to give their life to you. Love is a gift someone may choose to give you, not something you can hate someone for withholding. What makes someone feel entitled to someone's love, to someone's life? I only have one life, if I give it to someone that's everything I have. That's the biggest thing i can give t9o someone. No one can tell me I owe it to them.

 

I'm not saying you're doing this. I'm saying be patient, to the best of your abilities. Try to read between the lines and understand the emotions behind the words. She may not know what she's feeling and why she's saying what she is. She may be convinced of retarded bull**** for a few months. And if you can take it, and if she can take it, maybe you two will figure out what's really going on before it's too late. But it could take awhile. Don't let your ego talk you into burning bridges, make you believe things that aren't true for the preservation of your own selfish sense of self.

I hope that made sense.

Good luck.

wilsonx Established Member

wilsonx

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Not a lot of people can "read between the lines"

 

Actually very few people on this forum can. Its why we preach NC at least in the beginning.

 

The concept here is to heal, if it takes burning a bridge, the blow it up. Bridges can always be rebuilt but until a person has emotional stability, NC should be maintained.

 

To reach your level of awareness took a little over a year. Your ride on that train is far from over. You are still just a passenger.

Edited by wilsonx
Furious Established Member

Furious

Posted
Posted
If I had to sum up the BU it would be one word: FEAR

 

After nine plus years of good times and bad times but overall a good relationship, Fear of a Wedding impending. Is this all life is?

 

A 31rst Birthday right around the corner marking the wear and tear that she was feeling. Noticing the little marks of Age and FEAR of getting old.

 

While watching co-worker younger early 20 somethings act carefree and gossipy, FEAR of missing out.

 

FEAR of leaving me for the unknown... and FEAR of Staying.

 

I mourn her loss everyday. I miss my friend...

 

 

I'm sorry for what you're going through.

 

I think you grew up and she didn't want to.

 

You planned for a future and it seems she wanted to go back to a carefree past. I believe she will one day realize the huge mistake she has made.

 

Take care

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GLDheart Established Member

GLDheart

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I too feel like we have much to say to each other... in time.

 

At this very moment, I love her tremendously. BUT NONE OF THAT MATTERS.

 

I'm not her parent, I'm not her crutch, I'm not her security blanket. I'm not her Forest Gump waiting for his Jenny to come back with AIDS. She made her choice... now she gets to live with it.

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olddirtyspatula Member

olddirtyspatula

Posted
Posted
Not a lot of people can "read between the lines"

 

Actually very few people on this forum can. Its why we preach NC at least in the beginning.

 

The concept here is to heal, if it takes burning a bridge, the blow it up. Bridges can always be rebuilt but until a person has emotional stability, NC should be maintained.

 

To reach your level of awareness took a little over a year. Your ride on that train is far from over. You are still just a passenger.

 

Fair enough. I'm just a little wary of healthy empowerment that goes too far and turns to entitled self indulgence. But that's a completely tangential conversation, I don't think GLDheart is doing that.

 

GLDheart, sounds like you've got a great head on your shoulders and heart in your chest. I hope things develop in whichever way is best for you, your lady, and your child. And I'm sorry that you're going through likely the roughest experience in awhile and your best friend is unavailable to help you through it. Make sure to reach out to the rest of the people in your life that care about you. Don't think it's more noble to do it alone.

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GLDheart Established Member

GLDheart

Posted
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Posted (edited)

GLDheart, sounds like you've got a great head on your shoulders and heart in your chest. I hope things develop in whichever way is best for you, your lady, and your child. And I'm sorry that you're going through likely the roughest experience in awhile and your best friend is unavailable to help you through it. Make sure to reach out to the rest of the people in your life that care about you. Don't think it's more noble to do it alone.

 

 

Thank you. I'm not above admitting that she has broken my heart. I dream about being with her almost every night. Waking up is excruciating as the reality creeps back in. I'm very hurt and trying like hell to rise above it... trying like hell to see what she did, not as malicious but, as immaturity.

 

My support network that had withered away (I honestly thought it was gone) has shocked me with support. I would be so SCREWED without them. Someday I hope I can repay it.

 

Also this forum has provided so many answers. It really does help to see that I am not alone. That knowledge does come with a double edge though: It is scary to have my eyes opened to how many people go through such trauma.

 

I find the hardest question is: "would I ever take her back?"

 

wow... I know I can't answer that one yet. I know my heart is jumping up and down going "Yes!. Yes!" but my heart doesn't know the whole picture. I have been blessed with the security (maybe it's the way I was raised) to love myself enough to protect myself.

 

For the sake of my daughter and my sanity. I've got to get "this one right". When it boils down, her chances with me will come down to who she become during her "quarter life crisis" and what she has learned (I'm not looking for an apology) and how she has grown from the damage she has caused me.

 

In my opinion (and my heart be damned) thin chances remain.

Edited by GLDheart
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