broken life Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 I am a 60-year-old woman in fragile health. I foolishly stayed in a 30 year relationship as my husband ground down my self-esteem and sense of possibility. The abuse has worsened. If I leave him and lose his health insurance and income (not very much to begin with), I will die a slow death. We have an adopted 14-year-old daughter whom he has turned against me and takes everywhere as his "wife." I am certain that there is no sexual abuse. He loves her to much. The only reason I have not committed suicide is because of the inevitable repercussions on our daughter. My husband (a low paid state attorney) has told me that he will seek 100% custody. I've tried therapy many times but nothing changes because my husband will not work with me. We've tried marital therapy but he just falls asleep in the sessions. I have not been the perfect wife. I eventually learned to speak harshly in defending myself against his criticisms. I do not like this learned quality. I am not at all religious. Can anyone relate to an old lady for is fearful of divorce but who, at the same time, doesn't really want to go on living. I should note that I was once relatively attractive but I no longer am.
Author broken life Posted June 18, 2012 Author Posted June 18, 2012 Please forgive me for the misspellings and word substitutions. I was typing through tears and couldn't read very well.
Author broken life Posted June 18, 2012 Author Posted June 18, 2012 I forgot to request in my previous post that if anyone had any advice for me that they would be so kind as to share it. It probably is too late for me, I'm just reaching out this one last time. Thank you.
Author broken life Posted June 18, 2012 Author Posted June 18, 2012 I guess my situation is too dire and it is too late. Thanks anyway.
KathyM Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 It sounds like you're stuck, if no marriage counseling has helped. I would suggest buying the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. That will give you some ideas on how to respond to his comments and put downs. Additionally, I think you need to realize that your self esteem needs to come from you, not from others--not from your husband and not from your daughter. If you've done the best you can with them and they still treat you like the outsider in this triangle, then you have to be able to say to yourself you've done all you can, and now you are going to start living your life for you and finding joy in life through seeking your own goals and experiences. I would suggest making a list, kind of like a personal bucket list, with all the things you want to experience or accomplish during the remaining decades of your life, and start doing those things on the list. That will help to bring back some of your joy and purpose in life and start you on the path of finding happiness that is dependent on you and not on how others behave. 1
Author broken life Posted June 18, 2012 Author Posted June 18, 2012 Dear Kathy, Thanks so much for writing back! It really means so much to me. I will look for the book. It's not just that my husband berates me but rather that almost every word spoken to me is delivered a loud, accusatory, sour and snarling tone. I am trying to remember who I was before I became so ill. I was blythe, warm, loyal and reasonably intelligent. I even worked my way through school (through a doctorate) even though I didn't always have an established home (couch surfing is, I think, what it is called these days) or much food. So there must be strength somewhere inside of me. These decades of isolation have been so hard. Again, thank you with all of my heart.
carhill Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 Welcome to LS and please accept my sympathies.... A couple of things.... this presumes you are a U.S. citizen... Check with your jurisdiction regarding fee waivers and self-help with family law. You may qualify/ have access to such programs. Also, check with your county regarding the state Medicaid program for health care. My exW and I didn't qualify for fee waivers but we did use self-help and a local law school mediated our divorce settlement for free. Essentially, our D cost 395.00 plus some notary fees, absent any voluntary legal advice either of us paid for. Also, I became well-versed in Medi-Cal (California MediCaid) while caregiving and they covered the lion's share of mom's nursing home care. You have choices. Just because H is an attorney doesn't mean you can't get a fair and equitable conclusion to this M, if that's the path. Attorneys are officers of the court and have to follow laws too, just like everyone else. I hope his record smells of violets and roses BTW, a lot of my friend's wives are around your age and, trust me, 60 isn't old nor does it mean 'over the hill'. My mom became a widow at 62 and went on to live another 20+ years of quality life and had plenty of men interested in her but chose to honor the one she committed to for 32. It'll work out for you. Good luck.
carhill Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 Something else which occurred, re-reading....IME, physical health can often tie into emotional and psychological health. I saw this correlation personally watching my own health deteriorate while caregiving for a psychotic person. The stress and sleep loss caused numerous issues, including arrhythmia and pre-diabetes, as well as headaches and vision issues, as well as what our psychologist called situational depression. How do I know it was related to then-current circumstances? Well, nearly two years after my mom's death and our D, I feel better than I have in a long time and my health is back to 'normal'. Your situation may be different, but don't discount the toxic M for some of your issues. Get free of it and perhaps your health will improve.
Yasuandio Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 (edited) BL, I have some things in common with you! I am 55, only five years younger than you. My protracted divorced continues has continued since 12/08 - with a new trial date set for 8/20/12. My husband has the nastiest demeanor anyone can imagine - and I coped with for 30 years. All you can do now is get another thing in common with me - you really have no choice, "move forward." Isn't strange, how smart woman like us, with doctorates (mine is a Ph.D. In Evaluation, Measurement, Assessment, and Alternative Research Methodologies), can fall into and tolerate such abusiveness from a spouse for such an extended period of time - until the point we completely forget our worth as human beings? Perhaps you'll agree, and in my case, such treatment can leave one feeling so empty inside - that you just want to fill that hole, and numb yourself - your mind, with whatever means possible, which leads to consequences, and another set of problems (i.e., eating and snacking too much, laying around watching TV, eventually you don't fit in your clothes, the pounds start packing on, then why get dressed, you don't like how you look, and you go out less and less, and the self exteme gets lower and lower). I found my husband was easier to get along with during these periods strangely enough. It's when I'd get the drive to "come out of it," dress up, and decide I wanted to go somewhere - anywhere, he was much more difficult! You can turn this around to your advantage - e.g., building back your self esteem is to your advantage, my dear - and it ain't gonna happen with that man in your enviornment - at least for a good while. Yes, I too have an illness I am not "crazy" about - due to the social stigmas attached. Over the last couple years, I've had trouble even accepting that I even have it. I completely understand the fear of being alone when you have an illness - I share your fear, I have no family at all to depend on. You have reached out here and found that Carhill's Mom's life wasn't over at 62. I have a similar predicament as you, and I trimmed down big time, and am a totally rock'in chick - that's the truth. So, tell us about your positives! What is or was your profession? What area of study is your doctorate in? What are the goals you have given up or not yet completed? If you could reach an impossible goal, what would it look like? Try this on for size and I hope it helps, Yas P.S. Don't bother defending yourself against Husband's critical remarks. It's a dance! Simply end the dance by walking away, ignoring, or by using my favorite response: "believe what you want to believe.". That leaves 'em hanging. PS.S. You need to promise ALL of us that you will seek therapy and/or medical attention now. Also, please, have the HOTLINE numbers available when you are so low, talking to a nice kind person, that cares, will help. Edited June 18, 2012 by Yasuandio
Steen719 Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 Brokenllife, You are not old. You may feel old, but you are not. There are so many issues, it is sort of hard to know where to start. Your health...are you disabled? If so, have you filed for SSD? Since you would be eligible for medicare after 2 years, that is an option. The other thing is filing early SS retirement. The other thing is you may work it out to stay on your H's insurance. Do you work? If not, can you? You most likely either work or can't work because of your health, which affects the above. Do you have family? Have you considered therapy without your marriage being part of it and just for your self-esteem issues? Whether he works with you or not, you need it for you. Your adopted daughter situation....what do you mean he takes her everywhere as his "wife"? Can you tell more about that? It sounds as if it could be bad or worse. If she just goes everywhere with him as someone to pal around with, well that is just not normal 14 year old behavior. If there is something else going on, it is criminal. What do you mean by the above statement? Are you on an antidepressant? Help us understand your situation better.
sad puppy Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Everyone here has walked difficult journeys, not just with marriages, affairs, divorces and such. There is a lot of wisdom in these posts, read carefully, apply some of these methods to your situation. You must believe in a better life, you must look towards that, and take one step at a time. Whe I was full of despair, I read here, posted by a wise soul - "see the light above you, and start swimming to the surface". I found that to be greatly comforting and encouraging. Start swimming, you can do it.
whichwayisup Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 You start small. Make a plan and start with baby steps.. First, do some counselling to help you get strong emotionally. You have friends and family to help you so you won't really be alone.
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