Twos Company Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 (edited) It would take too long to detail the relationship suffice to say we were together 1 year and had plans to move in together, long distance so obviously one of us had to be the one to move...so I began the arduous task of putting things in motion to move me and my two kids, had major problems with my ex husband trying to put a halt to it and lost my father, plus had a major operation all in the same year. Long story short, there were issues with my ex bringing up the mother of his kid all the time, this started to bother me and it would cause friction. I admit I was insecure as we were 2 hours apart and the strain of that and trying to get a divorce, going through the courts, health worries etc. My ex was quiet and hated any sort of confrontation and needless to say when I showed any sort of weakness/neediness he would withdraw. Towards our 1 year mark, we had a big row at his house as I caught him being secretive with his phone and challenged him. He basically ushered me out of his house and would not speak to me at all, ignored all through Christmas and the New Year. I tried again in the first week of January and he finally picked up the phone. We chatted a little and he seemed ok, though he said he had nothing to offer me, sounded vague regarding meeting up. I didn't know what wha going on as he never said it was over, but after this he refused entirely to pick up the phone. He would correspond a little by text but this was so frustrating as we had been planning out life together not long before. He had dumped a girl he was seeing when he met me and fell hard for me, he told me they had had a casual fling and he was not keen on her. I thought no more of it. The texts from him were angry, just admonishing me fro the way I 'hurt' him by bring up his ex, when he was the one bringing her up! He would not take my sincere apologies, I could never break through the wall he had put up against me. I continued to try and speak to him, offering to talk, and in the end got so frustrated, I have never felt such anxiety and pain, I told him I was coming to see him and at that point he threatened the police. I was devastated as I knew this was unwarranted, and felt he was just hiding away. I never text him again after that. Fast forward to a few weeks ago and I find out he is now living with the girl he said he 'wasn't keen on'. Obviously this has brought home to me that my instincts about him lying were right, I knew he was hiding his phone away. I sent him an email telling him I knew he is now with her and that I wished he could have given me the respect of a talk when we broke up. He has ignored this email of course and I feel so lost...he moved on to her without a moments thought for me, and may even have been seeing her before we broke up, yet made me out to be the bad guy. How do I cope with feeling like a loser, that in his eyes I am some psycho ex who kept bothering him when in fact all I wanted was some answers. He's made a cosy new life for himself and I am just someone to be ignored now..I feel heartbroken all over again. Edited June 18, 2012 by Twos Company
TaraMaiden Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 You have to accept a lot of responsibility for the way you are currently feeling. The red flags were flapping wildly, and his behaviour at Christmas and shortly afterwards were certainly full size indicators that all was certainly not right at the ranch. Yet you continued to press the point, in spite of very clear signals - threats of legal action even - to indicate that he was completely switched off. but you had to push it. I'm sorry, he may have proceeded in a wrong way, but this anxiety and self-image is self-inflicted. You could see how this was going. You even hint at your own part in his distancing himself from your neediness. And therein I think, lies the problem. Nothing he could do would heal you. Nothing WE can say will heal you. you have to find a way out of this desperation you have for the attention of someone who clearly has absolutely no intention of engaging with you on any level. I think it's important you see a therapist/counsellor, because you need to work on your self-image, self-esteem and self-worth. Because until you find a place where you can be happy, confident and dignified, and absolutely at one with yourself, no amount of pleading - in any direction - will bring you any positive result. I wish you well.
Author Twos Company Posted June 18, 2012 Author Posted June 18, 2012 Thanks. I take on board what you say. He played games with me and unfortunately I bought into the slightest indication that he still had feelings, in fact he told me he missed me and still had feeling..all by text. I admit I had trouble letting go of all the dreams we had planned. I will learn from this and have learned. I know now I should have walked away when he first cut me off, I feel he was cruel and cowardly in the way he acted but yes, nobody was forcing me to go after answers from someone like that.
TaraMaiden Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 Never go by Words. Always go by Actions. It's never about what they do. It's always about how wisely we respond. Good luck. 1
Heatemyheart89 Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I just want to say I'm sorry he treated you like this. He sounds like a coward and you are so much better off without him.
Author Twos Company Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 Thank you. It's knowing that I have come off looking like I'm in the wrong while he gets to hide away with his new life. He spent so much of our year together bemoaning his life, how badly off he was financially, what his ex had done to him, how he been treated, and I supported him all the way, apart from that one issue I had with his bringing up his ex all the time...now he's moved in with someone who has her own house and no young kids at home like I have. I feel replaced by a better option. I know I'm worth more but it's knocked me down, being ignored by him as if I'm nothing.
TaraMaiden Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Thank you. It's knowing that I have come off looking like I'm in the wrong while he gets to hide away with his new life. No-no-no-no-no-no-no.... you're not getting it.... I'm not saying you're wrong. Nobody is... He is GUILTY of bad behaviour. Unquestionably. but you are responsible for continuing to play into it, feeding the distress and for perpetuating the absolutely futile efforts you were making to draw attention to yourself and getting him to respond...that was where perhaps somebody should have put a hand on your shoulder and said, "Hang on a bit....this is not the way to go...." He spent so much of our year together bemoaning his life, how badly off he was financially, what his ex had done to him, how he been treated, and I supported him all the way, apart from that one issue I had with his bringing up his ex all the time... This is very common, because we play second mom, and nurture someone who's obviously in either physical or emotional pain. and we cease to become a love object, and turn instead, into an enabling prop... which they happily rely on to provide what they need, until the moment for support is past. So, quite rightly, we see the injustice and unfairness of doing all the remedial work and reaping none of the reciprocal benefits. Look at the relationship in the cold light of reality. One always gives more than the other, but when that input becomes disproportionate, that's when you get the donkey-work, doormat syndrome. What did he do for you during all this time? And why would you not have seen then, that the relationship was woefully imbalanced? Did anyone ever point that out to you....? now he's moved in with someone who has her own house and no young kids at home like I have. I feel replaced by a better option. in his eyes, perhaps. but maybe - and truly, i am grasping at straws here, and relying on sheer complete guesswork - it's possible that a woman so established in her own independence (own home, no kids) has a 'selfish' streak to her, and likes her life to be uncluttered and free of obligations. That's not a bad thing, in fact, if that's what makes her happy, then it's not the kind of 'selfish' one can condemn or criticise. It's a life-choice. But if he's more used to being pandered to - how long do you think either of them are going to make this succeed, before one of them thinks, "Hang on a bit....this is not the way to go...." I know I'm worth more but it's knocked me down, being ignored by him as if I'm nothing. Selfish inconsiderate users can do that without so much as a thought as to what they're doing. Look to yourself. start being a little bit 'selfish' for your own good. Write a list of things that you are not prepared to tolerate, any more, from anyone. Cultivate the art of saying 'No', and sticking to it. From this moment forward, you owe yourself a lot of time and devoted attention, because you are something, and you deserve to not only let people know that, but to have it acknowledged, too.
Author Twos Company Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 Thanks again Tara for pointing to the truth, a truth I did not see in my misguided determination to have him acknowledge my feelings. As an aside this other woman has grown up kids but same difference in regards her being free to pander to him if she so desires. In the first instance to get a grip on my own part in all this I'd like to read a book of some sort that deals with the issues...can you recommend anything?
TaraMaiden Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I have, but I really don't want you to think I'm proselytising... They're just books which I know are helpful, a couple just happen to be Buddhist in origin. I'd rather not assume I can give you references, unless you say it's ok with you.
Author Twos Company Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 The philosophy of what you have said when answering my thread brings me to think any recommendations you may make would be wise choices... so am happy to receive any pointers from you.
TaraMaiden Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 OK..... "The Dark Side of the Light Chasers" - Debbie Ford "The Places that Scare You" - Pema Chodron "The Power of Now" - Eckhart Tolle "The Seat of the Soul" - Gary Zukav These books had a big impact, all those years ago....
TaraMaiden Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I hope it helps. Glad to have been around. Keep me posted, hun. Hugs.
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