spinnyspeaker Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 Hey, first post. I'm a college guy under 21. So, recently I've been really trying to motivate myself to meet new people and stay in touch with people. This means girls with intent of dating, but also just friends of both sexes. I see people who look friendly or bored or whatever and think "go over there and strike up a conversation" and instantly another voice pops up and says "why not wait a minute or two? Aren't you comfortable standing here, you don't want to walk 10 ft that way. You don't need friends, you've done alright for this long without friends or girlfriends." The voice is the equivalent of eating McDonalds for breakfast on a day you planned to spend working out. So how do I stop myself from doing this? I've been reading stuff on conversation starters, and in my head it seems so simple. But I always bail out. Most of the advice I've seen for this question has been "grow some balls and talk to them! It gets easier!" But that's like telling me "You can't football? Well just go out and do it!" I suppose it's good advice but it doesn't really help. Any other advice (or advice on exactly how to 'grow balls and talk to them') would be very much appreciated! Thanks!
Philosoraptor Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 Fear is a terrible motivator. You need to understand that the absolute worst someone can do is reject you. Understand that someone rejecting you is just them being honest with you, and that honesty is surely saving you a lot of time. Heck think of all the time you'd be saving by walking up to someone you're interested in rather than wasting your time talking yourself out of it. You talk yourself out of it simply to avoid having to take a risk. Understand that every single thing you do in life is a calculated risk. Whether that be walking through a puddle or walking up to a girl. The only thing to calculate is whether the reward is or isn't worth taking the risk. I personally think a shot at happy ever after is worth risking rejection. 1
Author spinnyspeaker Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 Fear is a terrible motivator. You need to understand that the absolute worst someone can do is reject you. Understand that someone rejecting you is just them being honest with you, and that honesty is surely saving you a lot of time. Heck think of all the time you'd be saving by walking up to someone you're interested in rather than wasting your time talking yourself out of it. You talk yourself out of it simply to avoid having to take a risk. Understand that every single thing you do in life is a calculated risk. Whether that be walking through a puddle or walking up to a girl. The only thing to calculate is whether the reward is or isn't worth taking the risk. I personally think a shot at happy ever after is worth risking rejection. Thanks for the reply! You actually managed to state it in a way like how I think. I tend to be (overly) logical in decision making, but that 'McDonalds' voice in my head just keeps talking me out of it.
varonny Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I'm reasonably shy, and I often find it hard to instigate conversations with strangers in social settings without the aid of either a mutual friend or a much more outgoing person helping me. That being said, I've found that lectures/classes are the best places to meet new people, whether they be potential partners or simply friends. It's always awkward when you go to class and sit down on your own, when most people seem to have friends with them. If there's someone sitting next to you, strike up a conversation. Make a comment about the course content, or what you think of the lecturer. If the person is chatty, or also interested in meeting new people, they'll respond and a gateway is opened. You can then ask what they're studying, and see if they have anything in common with you. If they're not interested, then so be it. Sit in a different part of the room next time. Another way to approach someone is if you're waiting outside the lecture room, simply say "Hey, are you in <insert subject title>? That assignment's a bit brutal, isn't it?" It's definitely easy to start talking when they're alone. It feels awkward to try and get in on a conversation when it feels like they've already got their little clic, so if it makes you feel uncomfortable, don't even aim there to begin with. The more comfortable you are with yourself in social settings, the easier it will be to approach a group of people and introduce yourself. When you get the McDonalds voice in your head, what you need to do is ask yourself, "Am I REALLY ok with the outcome that I would get if I don't say anything at all?" If someone looks friendly, chances are they'll talk to you. Don't pressure yourself by saying 'this girl/person HAS to like me. I need to be so cool right now.' If you get rejected, that's ok! At least you put yourself out there and you can say that you tried. Maybe the next person you talk to will be different! Best of luck! 1
Author spinnyspeaker Posted June 25, 2012 Author Posted June 25, 2012 Thanks for the reply! I'm actually proud of myself this past semester. For the past two years, I've had what I call '6-month-friends'. People I know because they show up early for a class like me. Oftentimes we would speak every other day and still not know each others' names. This past semester I made a point of getting a name and shaking hands somewhere near the beginning with everyone I met. So yeah, meeting in class is nice; you see the people often enough and having a number or two from each class has that added bonus when you're sick one day. I usually aim for someone who looks either bored or lonely-ish (basically how I look at the same time). A problem I have with cold approaches is that I naturally look somewhere between tired, mad (or annoyed), and/or stoned. I'll admit I'm usually tired, but I'm not usually mad, and I'm never stoned. I just have the unlucky face with a brow ridge that leans down. So I feel like that kinda scares people off. Tall guy looking kinda pissed doesn't exactly sound inviting. It's easier when I'm with friends or having a fun conversation already, since I suppose my face lightens up a bit when I'm jokin around, but those situations are hard to come by when I don't know anyone. I've tried looking a little less pissed, but it takes quite a bit of effort to maintain. ... That last paragraph is kinda weird haha 1
Philosoraptor Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 Well put a smile on and go for it. Think of something really funny before you approach someone so you'll have more of a happy vibe. 1
varonny Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 A problem I have with cold approaches is that I naturally look somewhere between tired, mad (or annoyed), and/or stoned. It's funny you say that, I've been told that when my face is relaxed I look either sad, grumpy or angry. Ahh the curse of the angry face... Sometimes when I'm walking along and I realise that I'm pulling the face again I have to make myself smile, but then I think that I either look like a typical dumb blonde, or a massive creep, and decide that looking cranky is better I agree with Philosoraptor, put a smile on that dial! Hopefully she's the type of girl that will make you feel so good that your face naturally opens up If not, maybe next time! 1
WordvAction Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 Take Philosoraptor's advice. Also, I found this piece of advice online that helped me overcome my shyness. Aim to get rejected by at least 3 people a day. Don't sabatoge yourself into getting rejected; rather try and meet enough people a day where you can may get rejected by at least 3. I don't know if this will work for you, but it helped me with both my social skills (learning how to start conversations) as well as with my fear of rejection 1
Hopelessromantic3 Posted June 26, 2012 Posted June 26, 2012 Reading your post was like reading about the male version of myself. I analyze everything to death, and by the time I finish, it's usually too late to do anything anyway. Or I jump ahead 18 steps to the worst case scenario. I've really tried to start taking baby steps in risk taking--maybe its initiating a group get together or conversationally texting a guy I'm not great friends with. If its in your nature to be that way, it's really hard to get out of your own head. I'd recommend reading the book The Shy Single...it has helped me a lot, although I haven't quite worked up the courage to take it as far as I would like to. I'm interested to read others' advice here too... 1
Author spinnyspeaker Posted June 27, 2012 Author Posted June 27, 2012 Well put a smile on and go for it. Think of something really funny before you approach someone so you'll have more of a happy vibe. Ah yes, the angry/stoned-yet-smiling vibe But you're right, at least then it'd lend some weight to the idea that I'm not pissed/stoned. I'll give it a shot. It's funny you say that, I've been told that when my face is relaxed I look either sad, grumpy or angry. Ahh the curse of the angry face... Sometimes when I'm walking along and I realise that I'm pulling the face again I have to make myself smile, but then I think that I either look like a typical dumb blonde, or a massive creep, and decide that looking cranky is better I agree with Philosoraptor, put a smile on that dial! Hopefully she's the type of girl that will make you feel so good that your face naturally opens up If not, maybe next time! I've also found that it helps to just try to surround myself with happier things. I used to listen to rock on the way to school (nothing thrashy, just some old Led Zep or AC/DC) but I found it made me a bit wound up. So I started to listen to Motown and lighter pop stuff, seemed to brighten up my mornings considerably. Instead of feeling like 'get in, get done, go home' I actually felt like hanging out. Take Philosoraptor's advice. Also, I found this piece of advice online that helped me overcome my shyness. Aim to get rejected by at least 3 people a day. Don't sabatoge yourself into getting rejected; rather try and meet enough people a day where you can may get rejected by at least 3. I don't know if this will work for you, but it helped me with both my social skills (learning how to start conversations) as well as with my fear of rejection I think that's great advice, but the problem with shyness is it's hard to implement that kind of advice. Definitely a good longterm goal though. Reading your post was like reading about the male version of myself. I analyze everything to death, and by the time I finish, it's usually too late to do anything anyway. Or I jump ahead 18 steps to the worst case scenario. I've really tried to start taking baby steps in risk taking--maybe its initiating a group get together or conversationally texting a guy I'm not great friends with. If its in your nature to be that way, it's really hard to get out of your own head. I'd recommend reading the book The Shy Single...it has helped me a lot, although I haven't quite worked up the courage to take it as far as I would like to. I'm interested to read others' advice here too... Overanalyzing is a pain in the ass, eh? I tend to do it very quickly without even thinking, it's just programmed into me. Not just in social situations, I tend to think of 3 or 4 different outcomes for any situation. If only I played chess... 1
fawrist bair Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 Some advice I recieved along time ago ..... Go ahead and strike up a conversation, if successful your on your way to a new friend. If not successful they do not know who you are. As far as your perceived expression is concerned, guess what? There are ladys out there that find it sexy. An ex-girlfriend found my "beer-belly" sexy, as well as a customer from a long time ago. She would come up to me and hug my belly (she was short) in the store in front of customers. And my physical appearance (nothing special in my opinion) has gotten me assigned (& requested) to things like bodygaurd for female customers while they took their groceries to their car. Just as many others do, I also understand your situation as I do the second guessing thing. Work on it one step at a time. Flirt with random people. Cashiers, Waitresses and so on. Don't be rude or obnoxious just have some fun. Practice brings improvement. F.B. 1
Author spinnyspeaker Posted July 3, 2012 Author Posted July 3, 2012 That's good advice. It's actually something I think about quite a bit. Why should I freak out if I have no clue who these people are and in many cases won't see again? Hoping to get out some this week. We'll how these new things work =) 1
SciFi Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 Hey, first post. I'm a college guy under 21. So, recently I've been really trying to motivate myself to meet new people and stay in touch with people. This means girls with intent of dating, but also just friends of both sexes. I see people who look friendly or bored or whatever and think "go over there and strike up a conversation" and instantly another voice pops up and says "why not wait a minute or two? Aren't you comfortable standing here, you don't want to walk 10 ft that way. You don't need friends, you've done alright for this long without friends or girlfriends." The voice is the equivalent of eating McDonalds for breakfast on a day you planned to spend working out. So how do I stop myself from doing this? I've been reading stuff on conversation starters, and in my head it seems so simple. But I always bail out. Most of the advice I've seen for this question has been "grow some balls and talk to them! It gets easier!" But that's like telling me "You can't football? Well just go out and do it!" I suppose it's good advice but it doesn't really help. Any other advice (or advice on exactly how to 'grow balls and talk to them') would be very much appreciated! Thanks! It (eg social interaction, life's experiences) gets easier as you get older and more comfortable in your own skin. When I was your age, the hardest thing I came up against was just being myself. Sounds easy enough (and is for some people) but it certainly wasn't for me. Happy to report that all those feelings are long gone now - it just takes time. Best to you. PS. It's great that you're being proactive and working on solutions. 1
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