Stuck(Long post)

[Douglas]

So I am opening this to the world to help me. I have asked my friends and family and received their advice. I am searching for some perspective because they are close to me because they are similar to me.

 

I met my wife a few years back and we fell in love and got married. The problem is that I haven't been very happy, neither of us are. We really haven't been happy for a long time, and have almost been estranged since before we were married. We have numerous issues and I have no idea what to do. I feel that I am close if not already at the point of walking out on the relationship. So our issues obviously involve sex and money, but I feel that is the tip of the iceberg.

 

A little about me: I have been told I am an intellectual, my job requires long hours (12 a day), may take me away from home for months on end. I knew this, and searched for a mate who was self sufficent, motivated and had the maturity to take life's problems and move past them.

 

I had thought that I had found this person, and proposed. I was unhappy with my location and current tasking so I requested a transfer. My new job was not glamarous, and the location was meh, but I would be home more, and this was a decision which both my fiance and I agreed upon.

 

Soon thereafter, I was then sent away for training. My fiancee was invited, but she declined to spend time with her family before moving away from them. We knew I would be away for a long time, but were surprised when a 3-7 month training turned into me being gone for 15 mo. I was hurt when my fiancee didn't want to come with me, but I was happy when she came to visit.

 

We fought alot when I was away and when we were together.

- She threw her engagement ring at me when she came to visit me at training, and I was gone for 15 hrs.

- One a trip home I stopped to visit my brother who I seldom see, and she demanded I drive another 12 hrs home to come see her because I had been gone for 3 months.

-Emotionally distant when together, to the point of no physical contact after not seeing each other for months.

 

i chalked it up to her being in a funk, as she had recently started a career which was failing, and was forced to rely more on her parents. Both her parents love her but have strong personalities which still overshadow her will.

 

So we got married and as soon as we moved, I was told I was going to be gone for 5 more months.

 

The fighting continued when I was gone because, I didn't support her enough. I grew angry because I was being yelled at while my location was the recipient of mortar fire on a daily basis.

 

When I came home I had some time to rest and we did by starting to work on our home. I knew the location we moved to was not ideal and so I wanted to help my wife by providing a sanctuary for her to live in, a base a home for her to feel comfortable. We were financially strapped, and to allow for her to complete her sanctuary I sacrificed my free time and money. I poured all of our financial power into staying fiscally afloat and to pay for home improvements. I bought nothing for myself except food, gas and coffee.

 

My down time from my trip was soon over and I had to return to work, this time at home. My schedule was less then ideal. Shift work with 12+ hr shifts. My weekend rotated and I was stuck on nights because I was newer. All the while I would come home and spend 4-6 hr nightly working on home improvement projects. I became very tired burning the candle at both ends. I couldn't quit my job or work any less, so I had to slow down on the projects.

 

The consequence was a weekly argument where I was told I am unreliable, and that our situation was all my fault. I asked what she wanted me to do and I was told that she only cared about getting out of there. The only way that I could was to work hard to get my choice of job after my contract was done. Essentially it required me to work an extra 2-3 hrs a week, so a total of 60 hrs/week.

 

I was then given a chance to change jobs, we would be in the same location but the schedule looked better. I had to go for more training. My wife was unable to go, but I would change hotels for the weekend when she came to visit so that she could come down. (hotel I stayed at was nto dog friendly and she has a dog).

 

We were still financially strapped, and i requested that she get a job as she had planned when we first planned on moving. She declined, and so I started to shrink the money flow. She had also developed a habit of not leaving the house. I knew this was not good and I encouraged her to tak classes, because she had now spend 4-5 months sitting on her computer shopping, and had not setup roots.

 

When I finished my training I came home and they cycle continued. I was told to do projects. I started to resent them, and told her as such. I wanted her to be happy and did not understand why she didn't want to save money and spend more time together. The weekely, sometimes biweekly arguments continued.

 

I had the option of coming home earlier now, after a 6-8 hr day, but I started to choose not to. I loved my wife, but took shelter in work. I could go home and get yelled at and told I am worthless/ slow or stay at work and be appreciated, and help guarantee a faster ticket out of our location.

 

She finally took a job working full time for half time pay, but continued to isolate herself from everything around her. Also while this is going on intimacy and even hugs/kisses stopped for months. She eventually quit that job and decided to start a business. I was not involved nor asked to be part of either decision.

 

The cycle has continued for years now, and we have attended counseling. I have read books, and I am now at a loss for actions. We have pretty much started ignoring each other. Any time I bring up how I feel about issues it results in a fight immediately. Sometimes our fights get physicall and she attacks me. I never hit back or start the hitting, I do restrain her. She is not strong enough to hurt me physically.

 

I was recently told that all romance must be started by me. This was the result of a conversation in which I voiced my opinion that I wanted to be feel like more than slave labor, and appreciated.

 

My problems.

- I work a demanding job which now requires I work 60+ hrs a week.

- I don't feel like my spouse is my partner, but a really bad boss.

- My wife has a flexible schedule but I am still required to take care of home improvement, laundry, earning 95% of all income, start all romance, cook my breakfast and lunch. She does work on her business, clean the house weekly, and cook dinner most nights.

- I want children, but i must move close to her parents, change jobs and be home more before that is even an option. I still have years left on my contract before I can quit. I would also have to give up a job which is stable and I have been doing it my entire adult life.

 

Please throw your questions and please give me advice.

Edited June 18, 2012 by Douglas

[standtall]

How old are you 2 and have either of you ever been married before?

[thatone]

and lemme guess, her "business" is probably one of these pyramid schemes or work-from-home scams which results in more of your money going out and any meager earnings she just spends.

 

the reason she needs to move back to mommy and daddy before she has children is so that she can toss her kids off on them and continue to have her fun unhindered.

 

leave her now. you don't have much invested in this situation.

[Douglas]

Well early 30's for our age, and no we have not been married before.

 

Her job (being vague intentionally) is graphics and web design, and yes I pay more into the business then she earns.