ihateslowjams Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 Ive read somewhere on here that starting a journal tends to help with getting over the BU. So here goes: So far, its been 2 weeks since the break up and 7 days of NC. Ive had lots of ups and downs, but more downs lately. The reason for the BU really opened my eyes and i wish my ex stayed with me to see the improvements i plan to accomplish. I understand I'm a super late bloomer when it comes to life, thats why from now on, I vow to not be lazy anymore and focus on myself and everything i need to do to be an accomplished man. It still hurts greatly knowing I've lost her due to my laziness in speeding up the process of transferring schools and moving out on my own. I should have realized the importance of being in a higher stage of life during the relationship, not after. I have many regrets and many "should haves", but all i can do now is make sure it gets done. I know 7 days is nothing, but its very difficult at the moment. I have to keep focused and take each day one at a time. I need to practice living in the moment and stop reliving the past because its not going to get me anywhere. Goal for the next coming week: Finish 5 chapters of "awaken the giant within", work out monday-thurs, and hang out with friends playing pool and coming up with designs.
Author ihateslowjams Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 Im having a horrible day with my emotions today. All day i was a zombie at work and couldn't stop thinking about her... I know i might have half-arsed my classes, but i didn't want to be burned out for 3 years straight. I was preventing that from happening because i know how it would ruin me as a person. How come she couldn't see it that way? why did she only see my status in life and not look at the bigger picture? I was there for her through her darkest times without making a single complaint. I gave up whatever plans i had when she was depressed and crying home alone. I encouraged her when she lost all confidence in herself dealing with work and her friends. So why? why now all of a sudden, she could just get up and leave me? I really do believe its because of her new friends she made... they always go out every weekend, partying and doing drugs. she's always been curious about the drugs, but i hated drugs and tried to prevent her from doing it. It was wrong of me, but i know her addictive personality will get the best of her in that situation without a doubt. Ive been staying home for the past few months before the break up because i was drained with life. my parents are having issues because my dad cheated on my mom. I also didn't get to a school i applied to transfer to and really brought me down. My work is becoming more difficult due to all the new changes that occurred. Why couldn't she see that i became "boring" because of all these negative events that happened? I couldn't plan any dates to take her on because i was too stressed out with everything else going on. I stayed home because i didn't have money to go out with. Even on my birthday, we stayed home instead of going to vegas with her new friends because i didn't have money and didn't want to use her money for the weekend. So why couldn't she have seen these qualities in me? she only saw that i was boring and restricting/holding her back from living her life? How could she say we were just too different for one another when i could resolve any argument/anger she had within a few minutes. How could she say that when i always brought a smile to her face and she could spend hours cuddling with me, just talking. HOW?!?!?! THIS SUCKS
Author ihateslowjams Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 I don't know what it is, but i have a lot of anger towards my depression due to my ex. I hate feeling numb and hate being distracted from everyday events. No more feeling like crap about the incident. I gave her my all. I would crack her back when she needed it, gave her massages when she wanted it, help clean her damn apartment, even take her car to get an oil change on my day off while she had work. I don't regret one thing i ever did for her. She didn't like relying on me so much and was ONE of the reason why she broke it off. I didn't know being so helpful was such a negative trait. I don't believe in being a jerk to a woman i care so much for. Im a jerk to everyone else BUT her and thats one of the way i make her feel special. I hope one day, she does realize the things I've done for her, but i know she never will.
Author ihateslowjams Posted June 21, 2012 Author Posted June 21, 2012 Sorry for the rant, but I've been feeling really crappy lately and need to get this off my chest. I really do believe the girl of my dreams got away. Ive read everywhere that "if its meant to be, it'll be", "Whats meant for you won't pass you up", and "everything that happens, happens for a reason". Im sorry, i don't believe in fate/destiny. If that was the case, i can stay home everyday and a girl will come knocking on my door and we'll instantly hit it off...i just can't believe it. If you don't know my story, my ex gf (together for 3 1/2 years) broke it off because she said i don't have the drive and determination to be successful, i haven't taken her out for the past 7 months that was new and exciting to her, and because she fell out of love and attraction towards me since she noticed I've become more depressed. When the BU happened, she mentioned how i had an idea of what i want to be, but i don't know the steps to get there... I have my speculations of why the BU happened, and its probably because she became more successful in her career and made new friends. She always had an issue with making/maintaining friends over the years, especially ones that she can go out and party with. Now she has a core group of friends, which are very similar to that "Sex and the City" friendship. She's 23, while I'm 27, going to school, work part time, and still live at home... Throughout the relationship, she was supportive of me as i was with her, but i knew how important a degree was to her. During her darkest times, i was there for her 24/7 and she was there for me, but i didn't really have any dark moments in my life. However, i did lose a lot of friends over the years because she didn't like them and kinda keep me from them. Well, 3 1/2 years passed and i still haven't transferred to a university. 7 months ago, things changed. She got a huge raise at work and made new friends that go to tons of very exclusive areas (most need lots of money, kinda like a high roller's club and her friends have connections to that). Im sure her new social environment influenced her mind somehow because she would mention that they would talk about me and ask what i would be doing after i graduate and when that would be. Im sure she began to get fed up with me when i talk about school for the past 7 months because i still haven't transferred. I feel like i can't be angry at her reason for breaking up with me because she thought i wouldn't be a good investment (she's very self-driven, ambitious, and motivated) anymore, which sucks. Yes, emotionally and physically, i was always there, but financially? not at the moment. Now I'm a traditional guy and i agree with her that i need to make a ton of money, but I'm not there yet, just a couple more years... which was too long for her because she's already successful. Right now, my pride/manhood is shot to pieces and i don't know how to get out of this slump. Ive been reading self-help books, going out with friends, working, and will be taking 3 classes over the summer, but still depressed as F**k. I constantly beat myself up because i should have tried harder to speed up my education and career, which in turn will give her reason to stay with me. I know it wasn't a compatibility issue because it was an amazing relationship and we both knew each other in every situation. We could hang out and do everything just us and have a lot of fun. She knew the types of food i love to eat, while i knew what she would be thinking in every situation/event/place. When it was good times, they were amazing. When it was bad times, it was still great. How could i have let someone like her slip away? Being with her made me happy and all of my worries would go away. I could just lay in bed with her and stare at her for days, not wanting to leave... but now its over because i lost sight of my goals and became lazy. Im struggling to keep NC and its ONLY been 11 days, but it feels like forever. I know that if i make an attempt, she'll see it as desperation and weakness, which will reaffirm her decision in breaking up with me. However, a part of me also feels like i need to do something before i lose her, for good. I will be transferring to a UC in fall of 2013, but its still so far away... Ive met many different women, all shapes, sizes, and color. None of them came close to my attraction towards my ex, which was the first and only girl I've ever chased in my 27 years of existence. There are millions of girls out there that i can meet, but i don't want to; i want her and only her. I know that i can't chase her anymore, and i shouldn't ever convince someone to be in a relationship with me if they don't want to be. So I won't. I know there'll be other girls out there for me that can make me happy, but no matter what, i still want her. We planned the future together, showed me what engagement rings i would buy for her down the line, talked about how many kids we'd have, and where we would raise them. I never did that with anyone before. Now, if i gave it my all and she still didn't want me, thats a different story and i would have been emotionally better than i am now with this BU. However, for her to leave me because i was lazy? i could change that instantly... She knew i could, but she just didn't want to wait any longer and thats where my whole heartbreak stems from. Why didn't i realize this sooner? This blows.
Author ihateslowjams Posted June 23, 2012 Author Posted June 23, 2012 Maybe i finally hit the anger stage (hopefully), but I'm have lots of it towards you. I gave up everything to be with you because you weren't comfortable with how i was living my life in the past. I had TONS of friends and had things to day every damn day, but you manipulated me into giving it all up. Saying all of my friends were "low lives" and are bad influences on me since they aren't "successful" according to you. Since i was being stupid, i reluctantly agreed and slowly dissipated from their friendships. I also gave up drinking because you wanted me to focus more on school, in which i did. In the end, you ended it because you claimed i had no friends anymore, i became boring, and i didn't have any interests of my own. WTF!!! i used to and you hated them all because you were so jealous of EVERY SINGLE girl i knew. Whether they were ugly or not, you were still jealous of them. Now that you became more successful and gained new friends, did you just happen to get bored of me? did i make the relationship that easy for you? i practically did EVERYTHING for you ever since you moved out on your own. I did your dishes, your laundry, and cleaned your apartment to help you relax better every night/weekend. I even moved all your stuff when you moved 5 times into a new apart every damn year, BY MYSELF. I even packed majority of your stuff and unpacked it too. I took days off of work just to get this done while you were at work, so you could have a more relaxing night after working during the day. I did so much for the relationship to shoulder all of the burden onto myself and have as minimal as possible for you. Yet, did you ever appreciate any of it? NO!! you didn't. You acted like it was expected as my bf and even said it was something i HAVE to do. WTF since when??? how many bfs would do all of the chores, move all your stuff while you're gone, take your car to the shop when you need an oil change so you could have more time to yourself on the weekends. REALLY?!?!?! and you still broke up with me because i was taking too long with my school? IM TRANSFERRING NEXT YEAR. after a 3 1/2 year relationship, you're gonna break up with me now??? I seriously believe you broke it off because you have new "party" friends now that go out all the damn time and needed to cut me off to relieve your guilt for hanging out with them on the weekends. I know you're probably talking smack to all of your friends, saying how i was clingy, smothering, and dependent on you. BS and you know it. I was none of those. In fact, i kept insisting for me to stay home on the weekends so you could go out with your friends, but you would get angry and tell me to just stay at your place so you can come home to me and sleep with me after a night of partying. BS!! You believe i was a horrible bf because i know this is your damn coping method. You need to convince yourself that this break up was the right decision even though i saw it in your face that you were scared and were doubting the decision. It seriously looked like you were finding every damn reason to break up with me because you really didn't want to. You said logically its the best decision and i know your "logic" is saying it is the best decision only because i still live at home and i still have 2/3 more years before i graduate. I hate how i felt used... throughout our relationship, you went through some of the darkest times of your life and i was there through EVERYTHING 24/7, making sure you had support. Now that you have new friends, I'm worthless to you? why? because i like to stay home now since i don't have money to take you out with? man... im soo livid thinking about all that I've done for you that you never ever appreciated or remember. Im starting to remember EVERYTHING I've ever done for you and i swear i could write a book with them. I still can't believe you discarded me this easily and never even looked back. i hope you find what your looking for out there in the world. honestly, i did practically everything, and it still wasn't good enough for you...
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