Lost love and not sure why or what to do..............please someone, I need advice

[low and confused]

Someone, somewhere must have some good advice for me!

 

Last week my world came crashing down on me. My husband walked out on me and our 8 yr old son and said that he doesn't think he wants to come back.

 

Lemme fill you in on what has happened up to the lead up of this event. At the begining of June one of our close friend was murdered. My hubby took this news extremely bad and was absolutely gutted, understandably.

 

We have been together for 9 and a half years and got married 6 months (yes I did say 6 months) ago. We had plans to immigrate and everything seemed to be going so well. There had been no arguements as such other than an issue in the bedroom department. The issue being that I wasn't making as much effort as I should have been making. My fault totally! It wasn't about quantity more quality.

 

Anyhoo, last week he sent me and my son off for our immigration medical examinations and was fine. He went out that evening to see friends. The following day he was very cold and wouldn't talk to me. The next day he was exactly the same and when I confronted him with it he just said that his friend dying had made him take a look at his life and made him realise that this isn't what he wanted anymore. Thats it! No arguing, a good relationship, so many plans for the future. And then he left.

 

Since then he has been staying at one of his friends house and has been out socially. He came over a few days ago and I took him to bed to show hi how much I want to work things out and what I was capable of when I make an effort. He was pleased by this but at the end of it he said his feelings hadn't changed and he still didn't feel like he wanted to come home. I haven't gone mad at him, I haven't called him and cried down the phone or anything. I have been really nice to him and I think this has shocked him.

 

He has told our son that he has had to go to work for a few days and wouldn't be home. I am totally confused and hurt right now. I desperatley want him to come home but fear that he might not. Thing is also my son is now starting to get upset and is sussing things out himself. Kids ain't stupid and do sense things.

 

So other than the no contact thing, which is hard because of our son, does anyone have any advice for me? My whole life has been completely wrecked and i'm not 100% sure why? I don't feel like I can do this on my own after nearly 10 years.

 

Please someone give me some encouragement.

[Stargazer25]

 

 

Well, i'm so sorry to hear of your situation~

 

First let me start by saying, you CAN do this on your own if need be~ I understand you've been with this man a long time, but you are still YOU even without him.

 

You sound like a very nice person, but it also seems that you are an "enabling" person~ while i'm not saying you should go coo coo for cocoa puffs here on his a$$ I also don't think you should just act like he isn't doing anything wrong, or that you are just fine with this~

 

When this guy wants to come home, having sex with him isn't the answer and it isn't going to resolve the issue. He still left anyway, and feels that you will continue to allow him to do this like a revolving door~

 

You do need to get pissed off and let him know that he either wants his wife and son and is willing to work on the marriage TOGETHER or you are taking your son and yourself out of this situation and leaving his butt.

 

Don't allow him to be in and out of you and your sons life like a revolving door~ it isn't good for you and it isn't good for your son.

 

Good Luck

 

No matter what happens, remember you are a strong person and you can do this on your own.

[low and confused]

Well, all i can say is a huge thankyou to you stargazer. Reading your reply certainly picked me up a bit.

 

Unfortuantely my husband came round today and has decided not to come back. He said that he loves me but is not in love with me anymore. He has told our son who is devestated, but we both spoke to him and explained the situation and reassured him that we both love him more than anything and that his daddy will still be around to see him whenever he wants.

 

I feel utterly exhausted now and just wished there was something I could do to stop this but I think I just have to try and accept it and be strong for my son.

 

Part of me still hopes that he will change his mind but I cannot live like that every day and must try to push it to the back of mind somehow.

 

I wish I could change things......... but I can't force him to love me.

[Stargazer25]

 

 

I'm so sorry it has worked out the way it has for you sweetie~

 

However, if this is the way he wants things to be then you are better than this guy deserves anyway!

 

I hope you have some friends and family to help you through this time, and don't let him get away with not helping you financially take care of your son.

 

Remember it's okay to not feel so great and it's okay to be angry, confused, or sad~ but know as well that in time, this too shall pass and you will be happy again.

 

Keep me posted on how you are.

 

(hugs)

 

Stargazer

[low and confused]

Again Star gazer, thankyou.

 

Today I woke up and felt a bit more positive.

 

You know what I did???? LOL

 

I went out and bought me and my son a adorable lil black labrador puppy. My son was so pleased with him and it has certainly kept his mind busy!

 

Many of my friends do believe that my husband will return and I really do hope he does, but as I said before I must just accept his desicion and get on with life.

 

Who knows what the future holds eh?!

 

 

xxx

[Stargazer25]

 

 

Awe!!!! I used to have a black lab:) loved him sooooo much, but I had to give him away because I moved:(

 

I'm glad you're feeling better today~~~ keep faith in yourself.

[low and confused]

Ok so here we go.

 

New puppy, adorable. Not a replacement and still feel absolutely shattered.

 

I can't seem to snap outta this deep depressiona nd it's driving me mad. I have the last converation we had going through my head constantly.

 

He said that he was really upset and that he never wanted this to happen. WHAT???????? I can't figure it out. He did genuinly seem upset and that has confused me more. He kept talking about "if" he never comes back and when I question him on the "if" he said that he didn't want to make it sound so clinical. He also said that he didn't want another relationship (which I do believe) and at the very most he will just be having some one night stands! OUCH!

 

He also said that he would always be there for me and our son and that if he was in a relationship with someone and they didn't like that idea that they wouldn't be worth it.

 

I am sooooo confused. He seems upset, he's talking like he might not have completely made up his mind and he's promising to always be there.

 

He says he still finds me physically attractive and he wants me "that" way, but can't be with me emotionally anymore.

 

Everyone I know have all said that they think he will be back. In everyone's eyes we had a perfect relationship, and in mine, I have to agree to a certain extent.

 

I know theres gonna be ups and downs, and I am practicing the N/C rule thing to the best that I can, but I just wish he would snap out of this and realise that the grass isn't always greener.

 

It took us nearly 10 yrs to build a life, buy our own house, go on holidays and I can't believe that he's willing to give it all up. I know that they aren't emotional things but the memories were always good. We hardly ever argued, we always had such good fun and I love him.

 

How can someone just fall out of love after 10 yrs of a happy life? If there was turmoil and grief then I would understand more. I know I have been ill on and off over the years and quite seriously at some points (blood clots on lungs etc) but we always pulled through, stronger than ever. Everyone, not just me, is in totally shock.

 

I think maybe it's starting to hit me, and god I really don't like this feeling.

Please help me someone.

[Stargazer25]

 

 

I'm sorry you're going through this~

 

I know a puppy isn't a replacement, of course not it's just a mild distraction~

 

I'm going to tell you a story that happened to me, it's a very personal story and in a lot of ways i'm still "recovering" from the events.

 

I was married for almost 8 years, we also had the "perfect life" to any outside observer everything was wonderful. We had purchased a beautiful brand new home, we had money in the bank, everything on that end looked great. We are both young, attractive people (got married real young) we had/have 2 beautiful little people together, we did everything together.

 

We never argued over money or things like that, and we had a lot of fun together~~ great sex life, great friendship, so you would think life couldn't get any better right?

 

Well, one day my now ex husband came to me and said "what would you think of us having a open marriage?" I was floored! I couldn't understand why he would want to do this. He and I had a very open and honest sex life together, I am an attractive girl, very in shape and never denied him anything. I told him I didn't want to do this, that it would destroy our marriage. However he felt he had missed out on being "single" because we had married so young.

 

He was/is a patrol officer who worked nights, and so it began without my approval. He started coming home late, and lying to me. I kept everything inside, nobody knew even my closest friends and family what was happening to me in my life. After about 4 months of this, I told him if this didn't stop I would divorce him. He told me he wasn't ready to stop. I asked him to move out.

 

He came to me about 2 months after I asked him to move out and I had filed for seperation with divorce pending and asked me to go to counseling with him. I agreed to go with him, we only went one time, in the session he told the counselor that he loved me a lot and wanted me and our little people but he couldn't see why an "extra marital affair" was going to hurt us in anyway, because in his mind as long as he didn't have "feelings" for someone else, what he was doing was okay.

 

All of my family and friends couldn't believe it, we had seemed so happy and so perfect together, his mom was devastated and cried her eyes out saying "you can't get divorced you love each other"

 

I moved on alone. Went to school and got my degree so I could take care of my kids, I wouldn't and won't allow him to be a "disney land dad" only there for them when it's convienant for him.

 

My divorce is final and I don't look back. It was emotinally, mentally and financially very hard on me and my little people when we were going through it, and there were a lot of days I didn't feel like getting out of bed to see the day... but my little people, well they were and are my reason~~ sometimes my only reason.

 

I am happy with my final decision to not allow him to treat me bad and he now wishes we could get back together, but somethings just can't be erased, and honestly I just don't love him anymore after all he did being so selfish and self absorbed.

 

You see i'm still "recovering" now from those events, because I found myself in a situation with another guy that I love a lot, however he is an abuser, and I know i've stayed in that relationship because I didn't want to "fail" at another thing.

 

Please know, that you are not alone. You are in the stages right now of things sinking in to you, and your husband is being very unfair to keep you guessing at what it really is he wants, as far as i'm concerned he is still keeping you at arms lenghth of feeling that maybe he still loves you and wants you without you really feeling loved and certainly not secure.

 

I went to counseling on my own after things fell apart, and it helped me a lot, also just venting and talking to friends and family really helped. However I also know how hard the words came to me when I said "divorce" I couldn't say it even to myself for the longest because in my mind, saying the word is what made it true and real. I couldn't stop myself from crying a lot of times in the begining to say the word to anyone else when they asked me what was happening.

 

I'm here for you any time, you just need someone to listen, or you need a new perspective on things~~~

 

(((Hugs))) take care of yourself sweetheart, and your little one.

[low and confused]

Stargazer, do u know what? I don't even know you and yet you have given me so much insight into life than any of my friends and family have.

 

You poor thing, how can u be so strong? I admire you hun!

 

Well I've done the ultimate stupid thing today that I promised myself I wouldn't do and that was got all emotional down the phone to him. (DOH!) He just said that I was making things harder for him.

 

He did say that he had thought about divorce but hadn't concluded anything and didn't want to rush into anything.

 

Every time he says something like that it feels like another stab wound!

 

Anyway, after reading your post I realize now that I could be worse off.

I know this is gonna be a hard long struggle to build up my self esteem and confidence again, but you are right, I need to just get on with it for the sake of my son. I certainly don't want him to go through what I did when my parents divorced, it was a very yucky affair indeed.

 

I suppose being single and 27 isn't that bad really, and who knows, he might decide that he wants to come back and I might not want him back after all this!

 

Thank you so much Stargazer, you are a remarkable woman and I feel like i've made a friend.

[Stargazer25]

 

 

You are so welcome:)

 

I'm 27 as well, and a single mom to two. I won't lie and say it isn't hard sometimes, but they really are my reason(s)

 

Forgive yourself for the "break down" it happens and it's okay~~ and as far as him telling you that it only makes it harder on him... well to damn bad I say!

 

He has left you holding the bag with a child to take care of and be everything to this little boy, and if he thinks that isn't hard on you he is out of his mind.

 

It's always odd when you hear from people who have been in your shoes because before all of these events had happened in my own, I could never imagine what it must feel like or imagine the pain, sorrow and confusion it could put a person in.

 

I'm here for ya girl! No matter how it goes for you, I am here to listen, be a sounding board or just encourage you. I've always said, thank God for girlfriends!

[landslide]

Dear L & C,

 

I am a man who has recently went thru a similar situation with a career driven woman. It seems when someone gets those thoughts in their mind, there is nothing you can do to squelch them. It is important to remember that it is not you- Its him. And it is happening much more then you or I would have thought six months ago.

 

Trust me, you CAN go on. He will not some back, and being bitter will hurt you more than him. Be the good person. Let him go, be nice to him (NO SEX), love your son, and believe in yourself. Let the lawyers do all the negative negotiations.

 

Find things in life to look forward to and you can become a happier person than before.

[beautiful]

Loosing someone we love is never easy especially if they still alive and kicking. Okay I put a lil humor into that one.

 

On the serious side though.....I like to say that you can live without this man or any man for that matter. This is your time to simply take care of you and your son. He needs to have a mom that has it together.

 

The best you can do now is to completely "LET GO" do so with love! No blame no anger!

 

Sincerely be happy and count your blessings. You have many of them you know..............one being your son.

 

None can make you feel anything it all comes from within you. So start to day to be happy and say to yourself over and over................."HIS LOSS"

 

You are a beautful and you are worth it!

[Low and Confused]

HI everyone and thank you so much for you replies.

 

Ok so this is the latest,

 

He came over on Friday as I said and confirmed it was over.

 

It's now Wednesday and he has had NO contact either physical or via phone to his son. He did come round here to see him on Monday, and yes I was stupid and slept with him AGAIN (one day i'll learn) but he decided he had things to do and left before my son returned from school.

 

I still have people saying that he'll be back which obviously is what I am hoping for but I know I need to stay realistic about this.

 

The difficulty now is that he has returned to work and I work at the same place once a week. He has said that he will see his son at work on Thursday (cuz I take our son to work with me)

 

I have been feeling really low for the last couple of days now. Everywhere I look there are reminders of our life together. I have wedding photos still up from when we married on xmas eve in South Africa, I still have my wedding ring on. What do I do? Do I just erase all these things? Is it fair on my son for me to do that?

 

He's saying to me that he does miss me at times and has told his mum that he feels lonely even in a crowd?

 

Do you think he's maybe confused about what he has done? Thing is he is a very stubborn man (he's a Leo) and normally when he says he's gonna do something he does it regardless of what people think, so my fear is that he may feel he wants to come back but then doesn't want to look like an idiot because he's told everyone he's left!

 

ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! My life wasn't supposed to be like this! I want my family back.

[low and confused]

Well the latest is.............................

 

He has told me that we have to stop sleeping together now due to the fact that it is inevitable that he will be sleeping with other people soon. LOL!!!

 

That was saturday, it is now wednesday and he has been spotted already in the car with some blonde bit!!!

 

Didn't take him long did it!

 

He had told me about this blonde girl that was interested in him but had said he didnt want to know! LOL

 

Am i being paranoid, or has he been up to this long before it all came out? what do u think??

 

I know what I think and i'm kicking myself now for not seeing it earlier!

 

Wow! what a mess