Weezy1973 Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 In general, people who refuse to settle suggest two options: 1. End up in an amazing relationship where each person gets exactly what they want. 2. Stay single. I think there is a very possible 3rd option: 3. Get someone who fulfills everything you want, but they are settling for you! So, for the people who refuse to settle: Would you be satisfied partnering with your perfect mate, but having them settle for you?
wilsonx Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 There is no 3rd option for people that refuse to settle because in essence we are using them. That's settling. We look for someone that will love us as much as we love them. Perfect 50/50 relationship with minor teetering back and forth. People that fulfill option 3 are what we call "holding patterns" until we find 1 or 2
USMCHokie Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 3. Get someone who fulfills everything you want, but they are settling for you! How do you know that someone is "settling" for you without directly asking them...? And even if you did, I seriously doubt they would admit to it...
Author Weezy1973 Posted June 18, 2012 Author Posted June 18, 2012 Yes - I suspect you would never know unless you get dumped an someone tells you why (i.e. you're not attractive enough, rich enough, smart enough etc.). So I guess the scenario is really hypothetical - you don't really know that the person is settling for you. So I guess that leads to another question - how does it feel to be settled for? If you've been dumped for someone more (attractive, rich, smart, etc).
Almond_Joy Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 I do believe I was a victim of #3 in a previous relationship. I was never told explicitly that I was a holdover/rebound until someone more suitable was found, but that was indeed the situation. I think it's hard to accurately distinguish if you're being settled for unless you've been in a relationship with someone who wasn't settling for you. I didn't know that previous partners were settling for me until I met my current boyfriend. There's an unfaltering display of respect, appreciation and happiness that my partner just exudes, even if he doesn't say anything. It's hard to fake that 24/7.
westrock Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 1. End up in an amazing relationship where each person gets exactly what they want. 2. Stay single. I think there is a very possible 3rd option: 3. Get someone who fulfills everything you want, but they are settling for you! I think the option someone will choose depends of what meaning they attach to the word "settle" and how flexible they are in what they want. The word has a negative connotation in society because no one wants to "settle", but technically everyone has to settle to a certain extent even though they may not realize it at the time. Even in a perfect relationship, on some level, you are settling for your partner and your partner is settling for you. The key is to know what you want, what's important to you, and what's not important to you. It's important to be flexible in what you want/don't want because what we want changes over time and that will change our perception of whether or not we are settling. For example, even if someone finds "exactly what they want", later on when what they want changes over time, they may later conclude they actually "settled". Similarly, someone who thinks they are "settling" may later conclude that what they thought they were settling about is no longer important to them. If they reach that conclusion, what's left becomes "exactly what they want". These people were able to "settle" but actually ended up with exactly what they want. It all depends on what the term settle means to them and an acknowledgment that what we want changes over time.
Emilia Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 3. Get someone who fulfills everything you want, but they are settling for you! So, for the people who refuse to settle: Would you be satisfied partnering with your perfect mate, but having them settle for you? I think when someone settles, it becomes clear quickly. Resentment builds, they let comments slip here and there. If you are smart you pick up on it
Philosoraptor Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 Would you be satisfied partnering with your perfect mate, but having them settle for you? Nope. I refuse to let anyone settle for me either. I'm not out to have any time wasted nor am I out to waste anyone's time. It's why I only date those who don't play games. You'll know pretty early whether they are someone you'd like to commit to or not. And the best part about it is that those who don't play games aren't out to settle either. 1
Ross MwcFan Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 They wouldn't be fulfilling everything you want though, since you're partner wouldn't like you fully back. Having your partner like you fully back would probably be one of the most important requirements in a relationship.
carhill Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 If there is person who settles, there is a slippery slope of that person 'letting' the other person who is fully invested in love 'love them'. This can be exemplified in 'placeholder' relationships where the person who is the 'filler' is fully invested in the relationship but where their partner is just filling time with attention until a BBD (bigger, better deal) comes along. IME, this is more common with people who 'think' relationships, in that they do the math of whether and how the relationship is beneficial to them in a pragmatic way, e.g. 'this LTR/M will get me where I want to be in xxx years and I can do xxx then move on'. Internally, it's a calculation. Externally, it may seem loving and authentic, but then the switch gets thrown and bzzzt, game over.
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