iEmly Posted June 17, 2012 Posted June 17, 2012 So i was dumped a little over a week ago - i'm the girl, and since my ex boyfriend has been very cold towards me, telling me to **** off, he never loved me and he doesn't want to talk. Before the break up we were very affectionate and loving (together for 6 years) - and i didn't necessarily do anything awful to trigger the split. Since he broke up with me I have been so emotional, like crying, angry, wanting him back, not wanting him back, extreme love, extreme hate - i'm sure some of you know what i'm talking about i just wondered if he's going through this or anything similar.. because he's just been so cold and seems so certain of his decisions.
k100danny Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 I would say guys and girls can go through similar emotions yes, they can also be very different as men and women do respond differently to certain stressors. I think your question is more of does the person doing the dumping go through the same thing as the person being dumped and unfortunately no. This may sound harsh but it isn't meant to and is pretty much correct and people can argue if they like. firstly the person doing the dumping is usually unhappy and initiates the break up, they have usually disconnected before this happens unless its a rash break up during a big argument it has been thought about previously and they may or may not have already made up their mind. The reason your ex is probably cold toward you won't be that he hates you (unless of course you did something bad toward them) but the fact is he has had to convince himself that it is the correct thing to do. speaking with you ect could be making it hard for him and this is his way of dealing with it. Some people do this and in their mind make you seem like a bad person because it is what is easy for them to handle at that time. this doesnt mean the person is a bad person although i do dare say some people actually do not give a **** but i think this is rare. They probably do feel sad that it hasnt worked out and do miss you ect and also probably feel guilty I know i would unless someone was horrible to me and made me lose respect for them. I would still definitely say that they do not feel the same way, being being dumped are dealing with rejection ect which is hard and are often the ones who dont want it to be over unless you are both unhappy. Your ex may be being cold as just a way of him dealing with it.
simonsez Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 Hold tight and leave him alone. It isn't over yet. I hate to tell you this, but the chances are that he is interested in someone else. If you leave him alone and don't go chasing him, then that is your best chance to turn this around. If he does call, I would suggest being somewhat unavailable and in a hurry to get off the phone. Don't be rude or nasty. Just let him believe that you are really in a hurry to do something and don't have time to talk right now. Tell him bye and then hang up and leave him alone again to his thoughts. He has to WONDER if he has made a massive massive mistake and lost the best thing that ever happened to him. You can only do that by letting him believe you have accepted his decision and are moving on down the road without him. This site is filled with men who feel they have been left behind. As you can see from their posts, they do all of the things you are wondering and feel all the things you are feeling. The one common theme is that they feel like the dumpee. So, that being said , you have to make HIM feel that it is suddenly YOU who is the dumper. You have to wait this out. Do NOT call him or contact him or go to places he goes to or "accidently" run into him.
carhill Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 Is there someone else in the picture romantically for him? What's his relationship history? The 'I never loved you' statement smacks of immaturity, especially aimed at someone he was intimately involved with for six years. IME, what you're experiencing is the manifestation of his natural emotional style during a stressful period. If you and he have gone through other stressful periods, like a death or miscarriage, etc, you might have a point of comparison as to his style. If not, it's really unknown. Having my divorce decree finalized about two months after my mom died, I can opine that it was a difficult time for me as a man, both as a former husband and a son. MC, ostensibly to save our M, helped me greatly dealing with both its and my mother's demise. I had moments of anger and despair but overall processed emotions far better than prior to MC. I think that's key; the processing. It's common for men to express hurt as anger; it's part of what we are socialized to do, as showing hurt or vulnerability, in general, is seen as weakness by other men and some women too. Anger is accepted and respected. Men recognize what's underneath and respect it. As long as it doesn't degenerate into socially unacceptable/illegal behavior, we usually give it wide latitude. Lastly, irrespective of the prior, your grieving processes may be occurring on different timelines. We each grieve in our own way, and the end of an intimate relationship or marriage is a lot like a death. Everyone handles it in their own way and in their own time.
Author iEmly Posted June 18, 2012 Author Posted June 18, 2012 thank you for your responses bit of background: it is possible that he's met someone else, although right now i would say unlikely as he is in the army and there is little opportunity for that kind of thing.. although he may have had one night stands etc. we were each others first serious relationship, there was no-one significant before for both him and me. our relationship was pretty stress free - him joining up was probably the most traumatic thing for us but we got through it okay.
simonsez Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 It is not only possible, but probable he has met someone else. That is usually something the dumpee has a hard time admitting or accepting. They usually try to tell themselves the kind of things you are saying. "He doesn't have time to meet someone else" etc... (Yet he had time for one night stands) See how that doesn't make sense? Trust me... Men DO find time. My guess is that he has someone else unless you had an argument and he lashed out in anger. That isn't what you suggested. Question for you.. WHY are you putting up with his maybe having one night stands?
Author iEmly Posted June 18, 2012 Author Posted June 18, 2012 we did have an argument which lead to him in the heat of the moment when we were both like really angry - ending it. it was over the phone. his reasoning was actually that i was acting crazy and he could no longer deal with it say we broke up on the friday, the previous monday through to wednesday we were together, having sex and completely fine like saying i love you and all that stuff.
carhill Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 If deployment is imminent, that kind of stress can alter a man's natural style or cause it to be expressed in a different way than is usual. Also, don't rule out military romance. It happens. Obviously, such would be inappropriate prior to your breakup but that doesn't mean it didn't happen or the breakup was predicated upon such a dynamic. If such is the case, he's re-writing your R to favor the current partner or potential partner. The 'I never loved you' could be part of that process.
Author iEmly Posted June 18, 2012 Author Posted June 18, 2012 all this stuff is quite hard to take in but i think i need to hear it obviously i haven't ruled out the posibility of a military romance but right now i don't think any such thing is occuring its just quite difficult to let go and start the whole no contact thing as because it was my first serious relationship i find it hard to imagine getting the same connection with anyone else. i think i will initiate no contact and see where i stand a week or month from now its hard to let go of the hope that he will come back, even though such thing might not be healthy for either of us
Author iEmly Posted June 18, 2012 Author Posted June 18, 2012 just an extra thing i thought to add.. with my ex we had sex quite young, and since then my views on it have changed and in the last years of my relationship i was adamant that i only wanted one sexual partner in my life due to religious and other reasons. so yeah, another thing that's gonna be hard for me to get my head around
CopingGal Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 My ex certainly did not have the emotions I did. He put me in a position to break up with him because he was using me as a back up. He told me he loved me, made me believe he was committed, lied to me about being with his autisitc son, and then all the while was cheating on me, then gets on me for leaving him. When I left him, he did not grieve. He simply said "Well that sucks....okay!" Then he continued with his woman and asked her to marry him after dating her for 5 months. Then threw her in my face and harassed me about her. No remorse for anything he did and told me it was worth treated me terribly. Nope, he didn't feel what I felt when we broke up. I struggled all summer with the confusion and lonliness, with him never answering my calls and never calling me. In the meantime, he was just a few blocks away from me whooping it up with some trash he met on the internet. And she is trash, but he's even trashier. Then he tried to convince me the collaspe of the relationship was my fault because I interpreted his behavior as rejection. Yeah, I dated a real prince.
Phanpooh Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 I'm a boy i was a dumper and a dumpee How i feel and what did i do? First time, i like a girl, chase her until she start to have feeling to me, then i left her. 1y relationship. i felt i'm better without her and i dun love her enough to tie myself with her Second time, i dumped a girl who love me truly, cause i though she deserve more and she worth it. Then she lost in her limo, and i still take care of her sometime, it was stringing her around. But i never messed with her again, however, at the end, we now r old friends and we like this status. And then some dating, 1 night stand,.... At last relationship, this is seriously and i'm a dumpee, it's funny! I had 2 choices to deal with it: Hold myself at home and blaming myself until she gonna think i'm freaking crazy and swear dun love me anymore, then she jump to rebound's bed THen i start to heal, change everything around me and went to travel, and i feel better now. I dun need her or someone else. You see? everytime when i'm out of seriously rela, i was broken-heart and i had to deal with it, so i think there isn't different feeling between boy or girl!
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