curlygirl40 Posted June 17, 2012 Posted June 17, 2012 Hello I'm in my 40's, been divorced for about 2 ish years. In that time, I have been on 23 first dates (on line dates). I've fooled around some, had a lot of fun, I ran from several relationship minded men because I wasn't ready myself and also my heart was broken when I foolishly fell in love with a guy who wasn't ready for a relationship. But now I finally feel like I'm ready for something real. And I'm scared that I will meet someone that I really like and just not know how to act, how to let it play out, what to do with the whole sex and commitment issue. I have revamped my Match profile, changed my pictures, and I'm attracting all sorts of men. I have a promising first date tomorrow night with someone who so far has been very attentive, seems to be relationship minded, has called me about 8 times in the past 2 weeks to chat with me to get to know me. Due to scheduling conflicts we finally have our first date tomorrow night. And this has me thinking. Here's my main question/concern. I've done a lot of reading, on these boards and other websites and some books (Evan Mark Katz has a great website/blog/book). I don't want to have sex with a guy unless I know that he's serious about being in a relationship with me. I want to wait. But I also hear, over and over again, about how you should wait for the guy to initiate that conversation, and that it could take up to 3 months. But yet to wait 3 months to have sex? That's a long time isn't it and I think many guys, even if they are serious about you and want to be with you will flee in that time and think you're just stringing them along? What do you all think? So how do I wait for sex until I'm in a monogamous relationship, wait for him to ask me to be exclusive, not be the one to initiate that conversation, but yet not let him know why I'm waiting since I want him to bring it up? Any thoughts?
Philosoraptor Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 You are way over thinking things. Stop worrying so much about what may or might happen and just let things happen. Just be yourself without playing any games and trust yourself. Do what feels right and stick to your boundaries... it's not as hard as you're making it. If you're just yourself you'll have the best opportunity to find a great match and you'll know quickly as you'll hadn't have played any games. And by the way, waiting for him to initiate everything is just another game. Follow your heart and do what feels right. If you find that as you're dating you'd like a commitment then bring it up. At least you'll know right then whether or not he wants the same thing. Who knows how long you'll have to wait for him to bring up the answers to the important questions.
Author curlygirl40 Posted June 18, 2012 Author Posted June 18, 2012 But overthinking is what I do!! LOL O.K, thank you for that reality check. I'm actually usually pretty good at following my gut about things so I'll just try to stay on that course. Thanks!!
Philosoraptor Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 But overthinking is what I do!! LOL O.K, thank you for that reality check. I'm actually usually pretty good at following my gut about things so I'll just try to stay on that course. Thanks!! Well be glad you do it well Just be patient and trust yourself. You'll put yourself in the best position for a successful relationship that way.
Author curlygirl40 Posted June 25, 2012 Author Posted June 25, 2012 Thought I would update.... Had a great first date last Monday with the Match guy I mentioned in this thread. He met me for dinner, we had a really good time. We talked a lot, we closed the place down, and he gave me a nice kiss goodbye. We had our second date Saturday. He picked me up in the morning, brought me a rose, took me to breakfast and we walked around a nearby touristy town and watched the water and took in the scenery. He dropped me off around 2:00. What is really interesting for me to see is how he is acting, there is NO ambiguity at all as far as his actions. He calls me at least once every single day. He texts me sometimes throughout the day. Just saying good morning or hi, etc. He took his profile down right before our second date (we haven't talked about exclusivity or anything like that, I took my profile down a week before we met because I needed a break from it). He called me today to ask me out for a third date this week. It finally occurred to me today that THIS is how a guy acts when he likes you. No guessing. No wondering 'what does that all mean???'. No game playing. No reading signals. Just enjoying the moment and the momentum. Mutual interest. He is driving the boat. I'm enjoying the ride. Not sure where it will go, I'm just enjoying getting to know him. I like what I see so far. He seems genuine. So Phil, of course you were right. Relax, let it play out naturally. thx 1
Philosoraptor Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 Fantastic to hear And it's absolutely true; if someone likes you their actions will show it.
Algermas Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 At 40+ you're in no position to wait before giving it up.
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