Thyra Posted June 17, 2012 Posted June 17, 2012 Hi guys, first I want to apologize in advance should this end up sounding like a big rambled mess. But right now, that's is how I am feeling, a huge rambled mess of emotions. Ok,here it goes. I am 41, divorced for 7years and was enjoying my man free existence until this guy came into my life. The reason for this man free existence is in part to my ex-husband's having an affair with my best friend. So, needless to say, I put up a defense that usually makes men go away. Well, this man did not go away. He called me out on my BS and we have been together now for a year. You would think that I would be happy with this,and I would be if it wasn't for the fact that his "best friend" is also his ex of more than 20 years. I know what your saying "holy s?$t!!! And you are correct. This woman is a piece of work, she has this hold on him that he can not see. She has manipulated every relationship he has had since their break up. And why did they break up???? Because she was sleeping with his friend. So, where is my relationship with this man today?? Pretty much destroyed. This woman is TOXIC!!!! How do I get him to see how what she is doing with out destroying what shred of relationship we have left. I know that he loves me and has no "physical" attraction, but she has this hold on him to where all other women are second in his life. She keeps him around like a little pet. Calling at all hours of the day and night. She has also managed to effectively exclude me from any of their activities. And she has somehow managed to make all of this my fault. So, I ask you guys, in addition to asking me where my sense of self respect is, please give me some advise
carhill Posted June 17, 2012 Posted June 17, 2012 ' I don't feel like a priority and, frankly, am seriously considering ending this relationship. I love you and it will be hard to do this but I feel I must for my personal health. How do you feel about that?' This focuses on your feelings and your relationship. Within that realm, his ex is irrelevant. How he treats you or, by proxy, allows you to be treated, is his responsibility, and his solely. Communicate, listen, then act as appropriate.
cheshire_cat Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 You need to talk to him about it. Communicate how you feel. That's all you can do. It's up to him to decide whether your relationship is more important than this toxic woman. And it's also up to you to decide if you want to possibly spend the rest of your life always coming in second. One of my best friends is EXACTLY like the guy you are dating. His ex (who to make it more complicated is the mother of his child) has this incredible hold over him. He even lived with her and another guy she was dating after they divorced. Talk about messed up! She has managed to ruin every relationship he has ever had. She even tried to screw up our friendship with her crap even though there has never been anything aside from a platonic relationship between us in the 16 years we've been friends. They've been divorced for over 10 years but she calls and he still will go to her. He's currently dating a girl that's almost 15 years younger than him with extremely low self esteem so she is willing to put up with all this crap. But I can honestly say, that his ex wife will ALWAYS come before anyone else. Does he necessarily want to get back together with her...no, he doesn't. She still has a hold on him that I can't even begin to fathom and she always will. If the guy you are dating isn't willing to cut her out of his life at this point/can't see what she is doing after 20 years I don't know that it's ever going to happen.
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