Is it time to break off this friendship?

[Elisa89]

I never thought I'd ponder breaking off the friendship with a girl that I called my very best friend for the last 4 years. We've had some ups and downs in the past but nothing too serious. But lately I feel like I've developed in a direction that makes it very hard for me to be friends with her or at least very close friends.

 

First of all, we're very different. While I'm a very optimistic person who generally sees the good in life, she's very heavy, always stressed and mostly sees the bad things. It never really was a problem for me. But something happened when I started going out with my then boyfriend in November. I was really happy to tell her that I met a great guy but she didn't react to it. All she said was that she didn't want to hear anything about it. I asked her to explain and all she said was that she was annoyed by my guy stories. I'm not entirely sure what she means by this. In the time we knew each other I had one serious boyfriend which I broke up with on good terms, no drama and I'm still friends with him. Admittedly I had a fling with a guy for 2 months in 2010 that got pretty complicated and I relied pretty heavily on her during that time as a shoulder to cry on. Anyways I picked myself up, I showed her how thankful I was that she had been there for me and I apologized for completely loosing sight of her problems during that time.

 

Fast forward, January 2012, I'm working in a different city for two months and we don't talk much at all. She pretty much forbids me to talk about my boyfriend and one day she starts insulting me over some minor issue (I didn't have money to buy a ticket to a concert which she wanted me to accompany her to). She told me I was selfish and everybody was higher on my priority list than her and that nobody in her life treated her as respectless as I did. I replied calmly and asked her what was up and where those emotions were coming from, only to get insulted even more, it was pretty heavy and I'm absolutely sure that I never did anything to deserve this kind of treatment. I know I also made mistakes but I also put an effort in to be the best friend I could to her. Ultimately, I told her we should speak in person when I was back in town which we did.

 

The talk we had was pretty insightful. She said she felt like she was always standing in my shadow. That I was prettier and more sucessful with guys. She said that she felt she was being nicer to people, but people still liked me better. Though she explained to me where she was coming from in her insulting messages, she never really apologized. But I still decided to give it another try but things haven't quite been the same since.

 

She tells me we have to go to party because she wants to meet a guy. When there's no guy she's interested in, she's annoyed all evening telling me how unfair it is that guys always chat me up(which in my opinion is not true). She purposely invites our mutual friends over without inviting me, I found out from a friend who texted me asking why I wasn't there.

 

I feel this has turned into a competition of who is prettier and more popular and hasn't much to do with friendship anymore. Thing is she lulled two of the girls in our inner circle of friends into believing that I don't care about these friends. So basically, I feel what I face is a decision between trying to put a smile on my face and playing along or breaking this friendship off. I feel like the latter would be the right thing to do. I am, however, afraid of the consequences, I saw her manipulative side during our fight earlier this year. I am terrified thinking about how it could potentially change the dynamics of out circle of friends.

 

I'm sorry this has become so long, any advice would very much be appreciated!!

[whichwayisup]

Just let the friendship fizzle out on it's own. Stop making efforts. You can't control her jealously. She's jealous of you, your looks, what you have and it makes her feel bad about herself.

 

Focus on your bf and if she asks why you're so distant, then sit down and talk to her, bring up everything you said here and let her know how it makes you feel.

 

Sometimes people grow apart for various reasons.

[carhill]

So, if you consider this friendship to be at an end or are considering it, what is the take-away from it? Time is valuable. What did you learn about yourself that can make the time in life spent on friendships healthier and more satisfying?

 

One question: If she has always been so negative, essentially your polar opposite, how and why did you develop a friendship with her? Usually friendships revolve around mutual interests and shared philosophies of life; synergies of interaction which both parties feel positive about. Did this friendship start that way and change somewhere along the line? Perhaps it's different with women, but the man I call my best friend is like my brother. His wife calls me her second husband. I couldn't imagine being best friends with someone so different. Please explain, if possible.

[Elisa89]

So, if you consider this friendship to be at an end or are considering it, what is the take-away from it? Time is valuable. What did you learn about yourself that can make the time in life spent on friendships healthier and more satisfying?

 

One question: If she has always been so negative, essentially your polar opposite, how and why did you develop a friendship with her? Usually friendships revolve around mutual interests and shared philosophies of life; synergies of interaction which both parties feel positive about. Did this friendship start that way and change somewhere along the line? Perhaps it's different with women, but the man I call my best friend is like my brother. His wife calls me her second husband. I couldn't imagine being best friends with someone so different. Please explain, if possible.

 

Well, looking back the background I came from played a big role in forming this friendship. I was 18 when I moved 800 kilometers away from home to attend college which is where I met her. It was a confusing time for me, I couldn't deal with the freedom at first, I was all of sudden able to stay out after 10 pm, I didn't have to deal with anyone else's problems, just with mine. It was what I always wanted but I also felt quite overwhelmed by it. I was insecure and not overly self-confident. This was something I shared with her, we became really close over those issues.

 

Yet things changed pretty quickly for me, I met people, I developed a different perspective on life. I used to blame my parents for a lot of things that had gone wrong in my life. I didn't have many friends during high school, so I blamed it on them never letting me stay out late. I had trouble trusting people or being in a relationship with them, so I blamed it on my parent's behaviour towards each other and me. Slowly I came to realize while these factors probably played a big role in why I had these problems, I figured blaming my parents didn't better anything. While I pretty much lost all contact with them during my first year of studies, I started to reconnect. The few times we spoke during the first year I never talked about anything personal. That changed. I opened up again and looking back it was the best thing I ever did. In the time apart I grew and they did as well, they might have done a lot of things wrong during my adolescence but the realized. And I realized that for anything that will ever happen to me, they will be there. What has that to do with the friendship? Well, I learned the power of forgiving, of letting go and starting fresh. I took baby steps away from my insecurity and I learned to love myself. To not depend on the validation of random people to know that I was pretty. I learned that it was ok to trust people, to take a risk because I experienced the wonderful things that can come out of that. And I also experienced the hurt from broken trust but I learned to pick myself up again. I learned that risks taken, relationships failed were not a sign of me failing but a chance to grow as a person.

 

I was in that situation when I realized that some things in this friendship were not good for me. I apologized a lot, everything was always my fault, never hers. For however small the incidents had been I apologized. It had always been like that but it was not only I discovered my self worth that I came to know that apologizing is meaningful and not just something you do because it's what the other persons wants to hear. I honestly made mistakes that I felt were necessary to apologize for. But I broke the pattern of apologizing for things I didn't even understand.

 

In a lot of ways, we just grew apart. And in some ways I feel like she's trying to grow by holding me down and putting me down. When I cut my long hair really short, she commented that men prefer long hair and that it was stupid of me to do this. See this is an example of two problems I see, she doesn't have to like my new haircut but she also doesn't need put me down. And secondly, the validation seeking from men is annoying me. I don't care whether random men like my haircut or not. Maybe a lot of men don't like my shoes, so what.

 

I hope that made sense to you what I wrote. There is of course a lot more details but it might give you an idea how things changed.

[whichwayisup]

She feels bad about herself and for some reason she is taking it out on you. don't let her do that to you anymore. The friendship now is unhealthy and the dynamic is bad.

 

Either let it fizzle out on it's own (don't return calls, emotionally distance yourself from her, don't confide in her about anything personal or about your life, don't ask questions or show interest in her or her life) she'll eventually get the hint or if ballsy, will outright ask you what is going on.. If she asks, tell her. If not, then it's a win/win for you..

[Elisa89]

I followed the advice and did what I felt was right which is letting the friendship fade out. It worked quite well, we talk when we see each other but that's only on rare occasions. She never even asked what happened. She probably already knows. It doesn't matter much but I have to admit that the fact that she doesn't even care that this friendship came to an end, hurts me. I am terribly lonely, I do have friends that I meet up with occasionally but the person I called when something happened in my life, good or bad, is not there anymore. Well, she is but things are different now. She now hangs out with two girls of our former circle. Everybody is confused by what happened and I get asked about it all the time. I firmly but politely tell people that it is none of their business and would take way too long to explain anyways. I don't want the drama. I don't want to force people to take sides. But I feel like I'm the one who's loosing out.

I'm not sure what I'm traing to say. I'm lonely. I didn't lose one friend, I lost a whole group. For whatever I did wrong, I'm not invited to group outings anymore, part of this is probably because they mostly take place at hers (her apartment is really big). Maybe everybody is just thinking that she's inviting me and I'm just busy. I don't know. It's quite a lonely time right now. Tomorrow night there's a barbecue party, they all meet before but I was not invited. A mutual friend asked if I was coming and I wanted to say that I was not invited but then I just said that I would be late and go directly to the barbecue.

I kind of have a strategy that is trying to make new contacts in classwith people I didn't have that much to do with before, which proves quite difficult. And I'm planning to invite everybody (including her) over to my place after exams, so the "invitation part" is in my hands.

 

Thanks for listening!! I had to get this off my chest.