Realizing the denial stage and getting through it

[Jose11]

So I know of the stages of grieving a relationship and the first being denial. And I guess I am finally getting pass it because I'm starting to realize there isnt going to be a call with her saying she made a terrible mistake and she wants me back. As dumb as that sounds, I guess I had some hope something like that would happen. It's not going to.

 

I've been starting to lose it a lot these last couple of days. Sudden huge hits of sadness. Normally it has been a thought here or there but now I get suddenly emotional to the point of tears almost coming out. It happens at work so I dot want anyone to see me so I just suck it up.

 

I just started recently thinking of some questions i really want answered from her. I was never really given a full explanation of what happened, but after reading here I am almost sure of it being GIGS. She meets the typical person to a period. I'd like to know if this was it. I'd also want to know how long she was thinking of leaving me. I don't think she is a terrible person, but I'd like to know how long she was forcing herself to live a lie with me. Up until march we were happy, or I was really convinced she was. March is when everything went to hell. But I'd like to know if she was feeling like this before. I know this wouldn't make any difference, but I'd like to know.

 

This post is really just for me to vent. I miss her so much. Our old lives just seem like a dream now. I really wish we could go back to it. She hasn't tried to contact me so I guess she is happy with her life now. I guess I have to accept this is my life now.

[olddirtyspatula]

I just started recently thinking of some questions i really want answered from her. I was never really given a full explanation of what happened

She hasn't tried to contact me so I guess she is happy with her life now. I guess I have to accept this is my life now.

 

1) She probably doesn't really know what happened. We feel things and then we put words to them but when we put feelings into words we lose a lot in translation. The reason she thinks she broke up with you probably isn't the real reason, so even if she were being as honest with you as she possibly can, it wouldn't be accurate. Don't focus too much on trying to know why because it's out of your control. Do something you can meaningfully affect, like expanding your own life.

 

2) Just because she's not contacting you that doesn't mean she's happy. Maybe she knows it's inappropriate. Maybe she doesn't want to upset you. Maybe she thinks she doesn't deserve to. Don't jump to your worst-case-scenario-fear that she's cackling with her friends about what a loser you are and how much better off without you she is. Dumpers don't usually feel that way.

[Jose11]

Thanks for the reply.

 

I just don't know why though. Why she would feel like this. She tried to explain it to me before we stopped talking and she kind of changed the reasoning a bit. I know she isn't a terrible person. She has a good heart but I guess she couldn't explain it to herself so I shouldn't expect it too huh? I just wish I could at least have some reasoning. It's these type of breakups that hurt the most. The ones you can't quite understand clearly but know the other person and know this is what they want.

 

I don't assume she was with her friends crackling jokes about me, but I would just like to know if it is affecting her as much. I know she just didn't jump to this action overnight, she probably thought about it for a while. I just wish I knew then. I know she wasn't trying to Hirt me by lying to me about her wanting to be with me before she broke up with me, but it was unfair to me and unfair to her to carry this burden by herself. I wish I had just known.

 

Even though we left the door open to keep communication open with both of us, she hasn't tried to contact me. That's what hurts too. I'd wish she would at least acknowledge me as someone who meant something to her for 8 years.

 

I am trying to make thing for myself better and trying to expand my world. I just miss her. We would always say how It was us against the world, but it hurts when the person who always said they would be there changes their mind.

[Jose11]

This is my venting again.

 

The more and more I try not to think about it, the more reality is smacking me in the face. Everyone telling me to move on and accept things, and they are right. People give and take advice to each other on relationships, but they always do so on logic and reasoning. They never take into account emotions. I give/get advice on relationships that make sense to both people and that is what exactly they should do, but we never question emotions until they hit us.

 

I want to do the best and logical thing for me, but I can't seem to get there because of emotions. Hopefully soon my brain and thoughts will be stronger than my heart.

 

Just a rant.

[Sophia12345]

Ive felt like this for the past 3 months. I begin to think logically but ALLWAYS find myself thinking based on emotions and what I feel I should do rather than what i should be doing. I know the right way I SHOULD be thinking but constantly fail to act that way. I pray that I'm the exception and not just the rule although I'm not stupid and know Im just another addition. I try to tell myself that my breakup and my situation is nothing compared to the real world and when you imagine yourself looking down this really is a small dot compared to everything else. I absalutely HATE the word time as its all I have to go on TIME TIME TIME everything takes TIME.

[carabu]

I understand what you're going through. I recently broke up with my gf and never thought I would miss her this much. It seems all I can remember are the good times. I feel so compelled to break the nc thing, but I am so confused right now. I don't know what to make of my feelings. I guess I should vent here instead of calling her at this point. so, here is my story( a little long, so please bear with me) and I would love to get your thoughts on this. It will greatly help me put things into perspective.

 

Dated a girl for 3 years. Things were great between us at first, we moved in together and had plans to make a life together.

 

But I guess all the arguments ended up taking a toll on our relationship. At first, we used to argue so much, it was crazy. A year in our relationship, we separated and got back together after 3 weeks. She was the one to initiate the break, but she later said she realized I am the one for her, she was miserable without me and all. So, we got back together. For the following months, we barely fought ( we use to fight so much that arguing once in a while felt like not fighting at all!). Yet, I was already feeling that something was missing. Nonetheless, we kept doing our thing. I was hoping my doubts would ease with time.

 

Few months later, we got into an argument, and in the heat of the moment I broke up with her. I was very stressed out by school ( grad school) and I guess It weighted on my decision. That night she refused to tell anyone it was over and kept talking me into getting back together. After giving it some thoughts, I decided not to go through with the breakup.

 

I later found out that when she was trying to convince me that we were both just under stress and we should not breakup, she also signed up on dating sites. When I asked her about it, she broke into tears and told me that she just felt worthless as we were talking about the breakup and wanted to see if she was still attractive. She wanted to see if anyone would wink at her, but she was not thinking of doing anything. However, this reinforced my feelings that she was also trying to stay with me because she was just afraid of not finding someone after. I had the feeling she was not really in love with me, but just with the idea of companionship.

 

She knew that my feelings were not what they used to be, but said we could work on that and take it slow.

 

A month later, I was studying my butt off for my finals, when she came to me. She wanted to talk about my feelings. SO I told her how I felt, and how things were not getting back to what they used to be. She was understandably upset and decided that she wanted to go somewhere else for a little while to give me some room to think. I wanted to stop her from leaving, but never found the strength to do so. She left, and we kept in contact. I felt like I could not make up my mind and decided few days after, it would probably be best to let her go. I was having such a hard time overlooking the flaws. When we talked, she said she understood, and said she appreciated the fact I was honest about my feelings.

 

A week later, I found out she was back on dating sites, seeing people and was already being intimate with someone. Needless to say, it crushed me. I understand that we were not together anymore and she was free to do as she pleased. However, I felt like our time together never truly meant anything to her. Besides, she had told me before that signing up on dating sites was silly, and that she was over that and wanted to prove to me that all she wanted was me and no one else. Yet, this is exactly what she did this time around.

 

The sad thing is, I was starting to miss her a lot and was going to talk to her. I was determined to discuss things with her, and was thinking about taking things to the next level (engagement), had we decided to get back together for good.

 

Even though I was the one to break up with her, I still did care about her. I wasn’t even thinking about dating someone else or having no strings attached sex.

 

I still miss her a lot and have been feeling quite down lately. She was like my best friend. She asked me once if there was a chance we could get back together. However,I feel like getting back together wouldn’t do us any good, given what I know.

 

I’m so down right now. I wanted to get your input on the situation. What does it all mean ?was this her way of exacting revenge ? why does she ask me if there is a chance to get back together, even though she knows I know about what she did?

I feel like she kept clinging to our relationship not because she was truly in love with me, but because she was scarred of losing the companionship and not finding anyone else.

 

Having said that, I wonder if getting back together would do us any good. I feel like I can’t trust her anymore. I understand that everyone deals with pain in his/her own way. However, I do not think I would be able to put up with someone who might seek affirmation somewhere else every time the going gets tough for the rest of my life! A relationship is hard work ! things go south quite often. How can we make a life together when the trust is gone, when you can’t say for sure that your significant other truly loves you and will be there for you during bad times?

That is probably the main reason I haven’t talked to her about getting back together.

 

I feel like my judgment might be clouded at the moment because I was so used to living with her, that I feel like I need her in my life. This was by far my longest relationship and the one I felt like would last a lifetime. There are days when I feel like I don’t really need her , I will be fine without her. But then again, there are days when I just feel so lonely. We both didn't have much of a life outside of the relationship. The difference is she has family and friends around, while most of my close friends live in a different state and my family lives outside of the country. It’s just been a month since we split up. Even though I feel so lonely, I do not want to get into a rebound relationship either. I think it is selfish and inconsiderate.

 

There are days I want to just get back with her, if she still wants to. It would, however, suck to get back with her only to realize this would not work. We have both made some mistakes and hurt each other, and I worry that we may start resenting each other if we get back together. I am just so confused right now. Should I wait few more months to sort through my feelings before doing anything I could later regret ? Things are not going well for me professionally, and that could also exemplify the feeling of loneliness and the urge to get back together to relieve some of the stress. Like I said, I am very confused right now and don't know what to make of my feelings.

 

she also says she was just dating, nothing serious and no one is like me and she is miserable. She said she wants to hear from me, but when I text her she takes forever to reply, or just use short sentences, like she doesn’t want to talk. But then again, there are days when she seems like she wants to know about how I am doing. I’m so confused. Should I just go no contact for a while ?