How much you loved them effect the time to heal

[k100danny]

My question is do you think a break up is harder on you the more you love someone alone or could it be that previous break ups have been harder as you were not as good at knowing what is best for you?

 

I went through a break up around a year ago and the relationship was only about a month and a half long but we had been friends/ attracted to each other for around 5 months before this, that relationship was VERY hard to get over and i was almost physically sick for around 2 weeks after and i would say it took me around 4 months to get over it. I also lost a LOT of weight, around 2 stone or 28lb if you are from the us. I contacted her All of the time to the point where she had to change her number and pretty much hated me. I did fully get over this and have no bad feelings toward her and we are now friends and speak on a regular basis and meet for a coffee and catch up now and again. we even offer each other advice and it's nice to be friends again. I am so glad we didn't end up together, not because she is a bad person but we are just so different.

 

But now I have just broken up with my girlfriend of 7 months who I spent a lot more time with and i would say cared a lot more about yet it doesnt seem to hurt quite as much. I am more upset that it has happened because I did feel we would be together for a long time and she was a lot closer to what I am looking for in a relationship. I even think she still loves me even though she is away travelling but for some reason it has been easier to accept. This could be because she went away three weeks ago for the summer to work and travel and I had a really hard time before she went so maybe I disconnected in some way and thought there is a chance it wont work if we are at different stages and she may like it and not come home or realise im not what she wants out of life.

 

During the previous relationship which i had a really hard time getting over i was very very anxious also which is partly down to me having an anxiety disorder but also for some reason I was jealous, suspicious, ect ect all in the space of 6 weeks.

 

Now for my last relationship I would get a little bit jealous from time to time when her ex used to try and call her and message her trying to get back with her but not to the point where i would say anything or even worry too much about it. At first i thought maybe I don't care as much about her as the last girl even though i was fully over her then I thought well maybe i was just more comfortable around her and she made me feel more secure.

 

On another note do you ever worry you have become the EX!!! I don't mean literally because you obviously are ex's now but i mean My ex talked quite bad about her ex ow he was nasty and abusive and would go missing for days and take drugs. He even strangled her and whenever he called or texts she would say things like god i wish he would just go away. do you worry that your ex now feels this way about you?

[TaraMaiden]

Recovering from a break-up hinges largely - and arguably, more importantly - on how you treat yourself....

[without]

My question is do you think a break up is harder on you the more you love someone alone or could it be that previous break ups have been harder as you were not as good at knowing what is best for you?

 

alittle bit of both , and yes i think how much you love them definitely makes it harder.

 

I went through a break up around a year ago and the relationship was only about a month and a half long but we had been friends/ attracted to each other for around 5 months before this, that relationship was VERY hard to get over and i was almost physically sick for around 2 weeks after and i would say it took me around 4 months to get over it. I also lost a LOT of weight, around 2 stone or 28lb if you are from the us. I contacted her All of the time to the point where she had to change her number and pretty much hated me. I did fully get over this and have no bad feelings toward her and we are now friends and speak on a regular basis and meet for a coffee and catch up now and again. we even offer each other advice and it's nice to be friends again. I am so glad we didn't end up together, not because she is a bad person but we are just so different.

 

well it's not a long time but then again when you're really attracted to someone it's hard to be apart even if it was a-month-long relationship.

that said, well you were kind of involved for some months. seems normal to me.

 

But now I have just broken up with my girlfriend of 7 months who I spent a lot more time with and i would say cared a lot more about yet it doesnt seem to hurt quite as much. I am more upset that it has happened because I did feel we would be together for a long time and she was a lot closer to what I am looking for in a relationship. I even think she still loves me even though she is away travelling but for some reason it has been easier to accept. This could be because she went away three weeks ago for the summer to work and travel and I had a really hard time before she went so maybe I disconnected in some way and thought there is a chance it wont work if we are at different stages and she may like it and not come home or realise im not what she wants out of life.

 

During the previous relationship which i had a really hard time getting over i was very very anxious also which is partly down to me having an anxiety disorder but also for some reason I was jealous, suspicious, ect ect all in the space of 6 weeks.

 

Now for my last relationship I would get a little bit jealous from time to time when her ex used to try and call her and message her trying to get back with her but not to the point where i would say anything or even worry too much about it. At first i thought maybe I don't care as much about her as the last girl even though i was fully over her then I thought well maybe i was just more comfortable around her and she made me feel more secure.

 

It boils than to your personality at the time too. maybe you loved the other one more, or mabe at that time you were more "weak" in emotional terms.

 

break ups can change us i guess, i have always been kind but i have become kinder than i ever was. maybe its because i don't want to lose them.

 

 

On another note do you ever worry you have become the EX!!! I don't mean literally because you obviously are ex's now but i mean My ex talked quite bad about her ex ow he was nasty and abusive and would go missing for days and take drugs. He even strangled her and whenever he called or texts she would say things like god i wish he would just go away. do you worry that your ex now feels this way about you?

 

no, why would i be? her ex seems like a dangerous person also a douche.

Just because you're an ex doesn't mean you're a bad person. I don't see any logic here.

[k100danny]

I don't mean i would be referred to like he was as yes i agree he was abusive and although we have had arguments I was always very caring and even after breaking up she told me that nobody had ever treat her as well as i did and she doesnt think anyone will ever love her as much.

 

I guess what im talking about is fear of your ex becoming well indifferent towards you, Their feelings obviously change but i hate to think now im like something she just wants to forget wether that is correct or not.

 

I broke my 1 day of NC last night, I just got the urge to call her. I had text her quite a lot since the break up but hadnt had chance to talk. She answered the phone which kind of threw me off and it was awkward for about a minute then we just chatted. didn't mention the break up really, none of the I miss you come back ect. I said i had looked at the place she was working for the summer and it looked beautiful and I am glad she is happy.

 

She seemed to be trying to tell me that there were no men around and things to maybe put my mind at ease even though i wasnt asking that is none of my business now. She thanked me for the things i sent her just before we broke up and said she was wearing my tshirt to bed and it still smells of me. It was nice to talk, Slightly weird as we are now broken up but was nice to just hear how she is doing. I instantly felt at ease and my pain went away when i spoke to her and i felt happy. I dont know why that is. She kept calling me darling which she used to when we were together which stung a little bit and i tried not to talk to her as if she was my girlfriend you know. I cut the conversation off after about 10 minutes and she asked if i had just called for a chat or if there was something i wanted to say to her? I said well I was missing her and maybe that was why i called but just for a chat really. She said it was nice to hear my voice and didn't seem to want to end the conversation.

 

After i sent her a text saying it was nice to hear your voice again, different but nice. she replied with it was so nice to talk to you x

 

I don't know if this has given me some false hope. She hasnt contacted me again and maybe never will but It was my choice to call and im kind of glad i did. for the minute anyhow haha.

[without]

I don't mean i would be referred to like he was as yes i agree he was abusive and although we have had arguments I was always very caring and even after breaking up she told me that nobody had ever treat her as well as i did and she doesnt think anyone will ever love her as much.

 

I guess what im talking about is fear of your ex becoming well indifferent towards you, Their feelings obviously change but i hate to think now im like something she just wants to forget wether that is correct or not.

 

i see, yes i guess we all have this fear. its one of the most hurtful feelings i have ever felt.

but believe me time will heal this, at this point it may seem like im just saying it, but i've been there. if you read posts here you will see others agree with me.

 

I broke my 1 day of NC last night, I just got the urge to call her. I had text her quite a lot since the break up but hadnt had chance to talk. She answered the phone which kind of threw me off and it was awkward for about a minute then we just chatted. didn't mention the break up really, none of the I miss you come back ect. I said i had looked at the place she was working for the summer and it looked beautiful and I am glad she is happy.

 

She seemed to be trying to tell me that there were no men around and things to maybe put my mind at ease even though i wasnt asking that is none of my business now. She thanked me for the things i sent her just before we broke up and said she was wearing my tshirt to bed and it still smells of me. It was nice to talk, Slightly weird as we are now broken up but was nice to just hear how she is doing. I instantly felt at ease and my pain went away when i spoke to her and i felt happy. I dont know why that is. She kept calling me darling which she used to when we were together which stung a little bit and i tried not to talk to her as if she was my girlfriend you know. I cut the conversation off after about 10 minutes and she asked if i had just called for a chat or if there was something i wanted to say to her? I said well I was missing her and maybe that was why i called but just for a chat really. She said it was nice to hear my voice and didn't seem to want to end the conversation.

 

After i sent her a text saying it was nice to hear your voice again, different but nice. she replied with it was so nice to talk to you x

 

I don't know if this has given me some false hope. She hasnt contacted me again and maybe never will but It was my choice to call and im kind of glad i did. for the minute anyhow haha.

 

seems to me she likes to get back together. maybe if you think this through and see what you really want and act on it.

if you want her i can clearly see she may want you back too. I don't know if she changes her mind later or not but you if you want her i say show it to her little by little.

[k100danny]

I don't know if i would say she wants to get back together or maybe she just felt nostalgic hearing my voice and having someone to talk to. she is in italy and most of the people she is working with don't speak english and even in the village so i think her contact with people is limited.

 

It did seem she was kind of talking to me as if we were still together though if that makes sense. She was calling me darling and kind of joking around. I asked if italy was expensive and she said they (she is working with a friend also from england) had really been trying not to spend much while away and she really has to take things easy now she doesnt have a rich boyfriend haha. this kind of hurt a bit although i know she was joking or at least i hope. not that she didnt used to ike it when i bought her gifts but she would tell me i spent too much money and i was enough.

 

She had made it clear that while she is working out doors with the horses ect on a mountain she said she has no reason to try and impress anyone. so she said i go days without a shower or washing my hair i dont care what these people think. This made me think she isnt looking for anyone else but then on the other hand she told me no young people live within about 50 miles as its pretty deserted. It did feel like she was trying to not make me jealous I dont know if i imagined that or not. she used to explain herself a bit when we were together and i told her she doesnt need to do that with me i trusted her totally. but her ex was massively jealous and controlling so maybe it comes from that.

 

anyway I havent heard from her again so i assume she thought it was nice to talk but thats all. and maybe still thinks its for the best and is moving on but the fact didnt call and shout at her or make her feel bad probably just made her feel relieved. this is what im trying to tell myself so i dont get my hopes up. I told her I had sent her a letter which she should not read and i asked if she would throw it away when she gets it and just go and be happy. she didnt say she would though.

 

I poored my heart out in it and basically said if you think you can be happy with me and you do love me and want the future we talked about I will be here when you get back. If you don't and you realise travelling s for you then please go and be happy and do the things you dream of.

[without]

i really feel for you, i hope everything turns out in a way you want it. :hug: