kallen84 Posted June 17, 2012 Posted June 17, 2012 (edited) Hi to all of you new here but have lurked around here for a few months and before hand would like to thank you for all the help im sure to get here.Well to start it off me and my ex meet when she was 16 and i was 18 im 28 now and she is 26.We had a few little road bumps with the first 3/4 months as i was seeing someone else i was young and stupid and but we got that and that the only problem i think we have had.Within the first year we lived together the love was very pure sex was amazing for her and i she bragged to all her friends and all that know how girls are lol.So then she got pregnant with out son he is soon to be 7 in July then after he was born with our little girl who will be 6 in Dec. The last 2 years have been very rough with me and her she wont talk about any of our problems at all and if she does it turns into a yelling fest before this we could talk about anything.So i started having feelings like i wasnt wanted months ago we went from having sex all the time 4 5 times a week to 3 times a month and i asked and she said it wasnt me it was her so i asked are you sure she said yes.So i noticed when i would fall asleep for work watching a movie in bed i would wake up alittle bit later and she we be on the computer in the other room all the time typing and she told me she was just playing games on facebook. So one day i took her old cell phone that i bought it was shutoff cause we got new ones.Just to see if anything was on it i seen messages that was sent and rec of naked pics of her and another man so i asked her about it she denied they was on there and i was a bad guy for taking it.So i have seen that someguy on her facebook was always leaving stuff on her wall that was a new friend so i asked about him and she said hes only a friend for the farm game i was like ok.So push come to shove after some time she became more distant would sleep in the fornt room facebook till morning hours while i was in our big cali king bed alone.She comes to me after i wake up before work and says we need to split i was like no we can work out any poblem if we try and talk. SO i had to move out of our house all i got to take was my shirts pants and shoes all my other stuff is still there and i cant get.And now she is in a relationship with the guy from facebook and she left me 2 days before our 10th anniversary and i was heart broke.So i seen her 1 day getting the kids i did notice the first day she meet this guy in person he left hickies all over her neck i was heart broke.But she sent me a message on facebook last night saying its hard for her not to be with me theres pain she just dont show it but she has to move on from us. So my question is what do i do about NC when we have kids and how do i try to win her back on broken glass?She is not my friend on facebook do i block her on there and make her wonder what im doing? Him & her both told me im nothing leave her alone she wants nothing to do with me what do i do. Edited June 17, 2012 by kallen84
Philosoraptor Posted June 17, 2012 Posted June 17, 2012 What you do right now is take care of yourself and what you can control. Are you seeing your children? Find yourself a lawyer and make sure that is taken care of. Want to cut a lot of your own pain? Delete facebook as it will do nothing for you right now.
Radu Posted June 17, 2012 Posted June 17, 2012 Exactly what right did she have to kick you out of the house ? Who's house was it ? Does she work ? Find a lawyer and if you have the money, hire a PI for more evidence [unless you already have enough on this guy]. If this guy is married, tell his wife, tell your families, tell your friends. Search for the 180 guide and implement it. Ideally be the first to file for D [as you can control the process], and cut her off but don't cut off your children. Keep the messages where she and this guy told you to back off from your house, your wife and kids, they might be usefull in court. If you live in the US, you might be able to sue the OM for alienation of affection. Up till now you have always danced to her tune. She said jump and you said how high. You need to take control of this, you need to move on, and you need to protect yourself and your kids pronto because she will eventually file for D or make you look like the bad guy out there [to make herself look good]. Take stock of your assets [friendship relationships here too] and of your support system [family and all]. FB doesn't truly delete messages, and i hope you printed them. If you didn't, you can still use them in divorce proceedings with a subpoena. If you did, you can use them when you fight her on the perception battle with your friends/family. She is cheating, why the hell did you move out ?
Author kallen84 Posted June 17, 2012 Author Posted June 17, 2012 Whos house was it ours its in her name as she had alot better credit then i did and was around 300 cheaper a month.The car is in her name also but i pay for everything.I still see my kids i love them to death but it hurts alot having them without her cause they say stuff like i love you dad come home with mom.
Author kallen84 Posted June 17, 2012 Author Posted June 17, 2012 I need some help i need someone to lay some guidelines down for me.I want my family back but i want her to come begging back on broken glass.
Mack05 Posted June 17, 2012 Posted June 17, 2012 (edited) I want my family back but i want her to come begging back on broken glass. You can't see the contradiction in that statement? Let me lay it out for you. You met at a VERY young age. You have both grown up together. Who you were at 18, is very different who you are at 28. Relationships are easy at 18, very different as time progresses. You both sound bored with one another. It seems you have both taken the other for granted and to be honest the whole situation is now a mess. Cheating, lieing, bitterness and the sad thing two kids in the middle of it. I can see this situation getting even more messy as the realisation of your impending breakup hits you right between the eyes. The one advantage about settling down in your late 20's or later is having the experience of a few relationships. Learning how to communicate effectively and build a relationship from the foundations upwards. You learn the real values like compromise, trust, empathy, understanding, unselfishness etc etc etc. When you meet at 18 and settle young you have to learn as you go along.. This is far harder as you have no real 'life' experience. You say you want your family back, but want her to beg first? That is a statement of a naive, emotionally immature man. You are viewing things through your eyes. You feel you are owed/entitled to something because she cheated on you. If you want your family back the first thing is to get this idea of her coming back crawling back on bended knee's out of your head. Secondly the harsh reality is that she is in a new relationship with the guy she cheated with. It is no longer in your control. The only way you can fight for your family is if your girl wants to fight for it too. If she doesn't you have to leave her go, accept she has moved on and focus on your relationship with your kids. If she does want to fight for it, then emotionally beating her to death because she cheated is not the way to go. You need to find a way to forgive her. Then you can look into the reasons why she cheated and try work together so that infidelity will not be in a issue in the future. You will need to put your ego to one side and really work with your ex to salvage this. Personally I could never forgive a cheater. I would work towards removing bitterness towards my ex so that my kids are least effected by whats going on between us. I can't control my ex's behaviour, but I can still set an example for my kids by showing them the correct way to behave, no matter how trying the circumstances are. What she did was wrong and I don't condone it, but realistically no court in the land will give custody of kids to the father over the mother. If you want to fight for your family you need to determine if there is something worth fighting for, because if she has checked out you are completly powerless. If there is something to fight for and you believe you can get over her infidelity and trust her again, then you need to work towards forgiving her and letting this go. You can't use this against her in future, the relationship will crumble. If you can so all this, then maybe couples counselling is the way to go. If you want your family back you are going to have to make huge sacrifices. So is she. When I see you type stuff like "but i want her to come begging back onbroken glass" I don't believe you have the emotional maturity or the correct mindset to go all the way through with this 'fight'. Take stock of your assets [friendship relationships here too] and of your support system [family and all]. FB doesn't truly delete messages, and i hope you printed them. If you didn't, you can still use them in divorce proceedings with a subpoena.If you did, you can use them when you fight her on the perception battle with your friends/family. See Radu's post above. I would take stock and think all of this through. You have to figure out truly what you want and are you willing to do the hard yards, forgive her etc etc. You have got to do the right things by your kids. You have to show them the correct example. Whether there is a shot of getting your family back together or not, either way you have to be the bigger person....Maybe it's time to prepare for life as a single man. Just remember your kids are the most important people in all this. Their happiness is both your responsibility.. I hope it doesn't get nasty... Edited June 17, 2012 by Mack05 1
Author kallen84 Posted June 17, 2012 Author Posted June 17, 2012 I didnt mean come begging back i just meant that she knows that i would do anything for her and would hope if so did comeback that i would worship the ground she walked on like i did before it would have to be 50/50 not 75/25 like it was.And im sorry some of the stuff i typed didnt come out how i wanted it to sometimes it hard to type what really on your mind into words.
Mack05 Posted June 17, 2012 Posted June 17, 2012 I didnt mean come begging back i just meant that she knows that i would do anything for her and would hope if so did comeback that i would worship the ground she walked on like i did before it would have to be 50/50 not 75/25 like it was.And im sorry some of the stuff i typed didnt come out how i wanted it to sometimes it hard to type what really on your mind into words. That's ok you are going through tough time now..This is very hard especially when there are kids involved. I would look at legal advice and therapy if you can afford it..Therapy helps you peace your thoughts together when you are in an emotional state. The legal advice is needed to cover your back... The harsh reality is that this relationship may be over...
Author kallen84 Posted June 17, 2012 Author Posted June 17, 2012 I searched for the 180 guide and cant find any help pls? And thx for all the advice guys it does mean alot to me thx.
Philosoraptor Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 Whos house was it ours its in her name as she had alot better credit then i did and was around 300 cheaper a month.The car is in her name also but i pay for everything.I still see my kids i love them to death but it hurts alot having them without her cause they say stuff like i love you dad come home with mom. First stop footing the bill. That will get her attention. Find a good place of your own as well. Don't worry so much about the house getting foreclosed upon as that's not your issue. It will take many months and you can sock a lot of money away by then. Let the new man cover her bills, not your job anymore. If you want her to respect you (which she obviously doesn't right now) you need to stand up for yourself and set boundaries.
Author kallen84 Posted June 20, 2012 Author Posted June 20, 2012 Ok yesterday i took my little girl home cause she stayed the night with daddy the night before. just dropped her off told her i love her and see her soon again and this was all around nonn.Well last night around 8/9 i got a few text from her mom just random stuff i said nothing back,then around11pm i got a few calls didnt pick them up and got no voicemails then it stopped for a hour or so around 2am i got a few more text telling me she knows i see it the text said nothing back,and then she called all the way up till 4am what does she want and why does she do it and what should i do?
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