KMil Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 My husband and I dated for 4 years before getting married, and will be married for 2 years in July. On June 2nd, I found out that he was cheating on me with some girl he met online. He stated he had only been texting for about one week and they've never met or anything (phone records are pretty consistent with this story). This is so unlike him. As of Saturday morning I thought everything was completely fine. Now, he tells me that he has been unhappy for 8-9 months and our marriage is over. I've told him that I wanted to work everything out, I could forgive him, and we could go to counseling. He doesn't want to do anything but leave. To make matters worse, we just bought our first home and moved in Memorial weekend. We haven't even unpacked yet. He was so excited about this house and we had already started making plans for changes we wanted to make to make this house our own. He was more excited than I was. He has already moved out to a friend's house and he says everything is over. He is looking for apartments to move into. I'm so confused because we were best friends and no one noticed that he had been 'unhappy'. I wondering if the 'unhappy' talk is just an excuse for being caught? I don't know how to move on from here. I keep holding on to hope that he will return and have a change of heart. I wake up in the middle of the night crying because I feel like this is a bad nightmare that will not end. I've had to take off from work some and I've lost 20 pounds because I'm so upset. I feel like there is a hole in my heart. How do I move on from here? Any insight?
ridinbikes247 Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 Same boat as you.... I've was married for 5 years, and recently bought a NEW house in November 2011. I lived there about 3 months and she became very distant. I left in Feb. and she played the same card... shes loves me but not "in love" with me. She said shes been unhappy for over 2 years.. Well, I found out she had been talking to my friend for the past 1.5 years behind my back and now he is moving in the house I just bought She acts like nothing is wrong with what she has done or doing, because we also have a 4 year old boy that is witnessing everything she is doing.
Radu Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 Sorry to hear that OP. First of all, hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Which means that he had sex with this girl, and he wants her. Him moving out, is all about trying to see what he can do with this girl. He will start throwing you breadcrumbs to keep you on the backburner. You need to decide what you want to do. Do you want to fight for your marriage [is there anything to fight for ?] or do you want a divorce [any kids ?]. Either way, the initial steps are the same. 1 - look up the 180 and implement it 2 - talk to a lawyer 3 - save all the incriminating information you have on his affair 4 - expose the affair to friends/family/work [if you push for reconciliation]; this should shatter the special mindstate he is in [look up affair fog] 5 - start divorce proceedings, generally the one who files first controls the process better 6 - see if you can sue the OW for alienation of affection If he decides to come back : 1 - he has no more privacy, he shows total transparency; no passwords to anything and you have [secretely] a keylogger on his PC 2 - he goes into IC and MC to figure out why 3 - he pulls the reconciliation wagon, you will be by this time in a better place emotionally ... the one who cares the least has the most power in relationships 4 - it will take 2-5yrs to forgive and you will never forget 5 - he offers all information on the affair if you ask for it; expect lots of tricletruth, you might need to provide some form of incentive/punishment for this 6 - for the above you can push for a lie-detector test Think long and hard if it's worth salvaging this relationship. GL
96nole Posted June 17, 2012 Posted June 17, 2012 Sorry to hear that OP. First of all, hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Which means that he had sex with this girl, and he wants her. Him moving out, is all about trying to see what he can do with this girl. He will start throwing you breadcrumbs to keep you on the backburner. You need to decide what you want to do. Do you want to fight for your marriage [is there anything to fight for ?] or do you want a divorce [any kids ?]. Either way, the initial steps are the same. 1 - look up the 180 and implement it 2 - talk to a lawyer 3 - save all the incriminating information you have on his affair 4 - expose the affair to friends/family/work [if you push for reconciliation]; this should shatter the special mindstate he is in [look up affair fog] 5 - start divorce proceedings, generally the one who files first controls the process better 6 - see if you can sue the OW for alienation of affection If he decides to come back : 1 - he has no more privacy, he shows total transparency; no passwords to anything and you have [secretely] a keylogger on his PC 2 - he goes into IC and MC to figure out why 3 - he pulls the reconciliation wagon, you will be by this time in a better place emotionally ... the one who cares the least has the most power in relationships 4 - it will take 2-5yrs to forgive and you will never forget 5 - he offers all information on the affair if you ask for it; expect lots of tricletruth, you might need to provide some form of incentive/punishment for this 6 - for the above you can push for a lie-detector test Think long and hard if it's worth salvaging this relationship. GL This is excellent advice. DO NOT BELIEVE A WORD OUT OF YOUR HUSBANDS MOUTH. He may have only been texting her for two weeks, but if they met online they have been in contact for longer than that. A cheater will not give you the whole truth. And they will mix in lies as well. Understand that this is not your fault. DO NOT start second guessing yourself. DO NOT start thinking if only you had done something different or better. This is all on him. He is unhappy with himself. There is something wrong with HIM. He thought buying the house would make him happy. Then he found out that it wasn't what would make him happy. He doesn't know what will make him happy. The woman online won't make him happy either. He sees excitement with her right now. He sees someone new giving him attention. But she will be like the house, something new and exciting, but it won't make him happy. If he wants to go, then you have no choice but to let him go. He may see that the grass is not really greener and will want to come back. If he does he MUST show true remorse. He MUST be completely honest with you. If he does not, then there is unfortunately no hope to save your marriage. Unfortunately, we all here on the infidelity board know the emotional and physical trauma you are going through. And it is trauma. Don't keep this bottled up. Tell all of your most trusted friends and family to help you through it. Don't worry if they will have negative feelings towards him. Remember, he is not caring much about your feeling right now. Do whatever you can to get some sleep. I know you can barely eat right now. Make sure you eat very nutritious food since you are not going to be able to eat much. You need to keep your strength up the best you can. I know it's not easy, buy you need to do it for yourself. Read this board for lots of advice others were given and read the stories other have gone through. It will help you. Keep posting what is going on and how you are feeling, there are a lot of folks here who can give you some good advice since we've been there. If anything, just writing it out can be therapeutic for you.
Steen719 Posted June 17, 2012 Posted June 17, 2012 My husband and I dated for 4 years before getting married, and will be married for 2 years in July. On June 2nd, I found out that he was cheating on me with some girl he met online. He stated he had only been texting for about one week and they've never met or anything (phone records are pretty consistent with this story). This is so unlike him. As of Saturday morning I thought everything was completely fine. Now, he tells me that he has been unhappy for 8-9 months and our marriage is over. I've told him that I wanted to work everything out, I could forgive him, and we could go to counseling. He doesn't want to do anything but leave. To make matters worse, we just bought our first home and moved in Memorial weekend. We haven't even unpacked yet. He was so excited about this house and we had already started making plans for changes we wanted to make to make this house our own. He was more excited than I was. He has already moved out to a friend's house and he says everything is over. He is looking for apartments to move into. I'm so confused because we were best friends and no one noticed that he had been 'unhappy'. I wondering if the 'unhappy' talk is just an excuse for being caught? I don't know how to move on from here. I keep holding on to hope that he will return and have a change of heart. I wake up in the middle of the night crying because I feel like this is a bad nightmare that will not end. I've had to take off from work some and I've lost 20 pounds because I'm so upset. I feel like there is a hole in my heart. How do I move on from here? Any insight? Wow, I know what this feels like. Back in 1997, we bought a house and moved in July 1st. By the end of July, my XH was saying he was unhappy and wanted to move back to the city we moved from. He could not give me a reason, just that he was unhappy here and then began to leave every other weekend for 5 months. Well, of course, he has someone...I did not know..oh so stupid..ANYWAY...I made plans to divorce, decided to keep the house, told him that he had until a certain date to leave and that I had a friend lined up to keep my son while he moved or if I had to call the sheriff to make him move. He could move along and be happy with his married AP and her 3 children. I found evidence that he was looking for 4 bedroom apartments. OK, he changed his mind once he realized it would be over. We reconciled and that is a whole other story, but your best bet is to tell him to go. He is not going to have any idea what he is missing until he doesn't have it. Practice the 180. Go see a counselor right now; it is a safe place to vent. Journal; it helped me this last time. I know your pain. I have been there. I was shocked beyond belief...here we had just moved in the house and my life, my plans were all shattered. Take care of yourself, quit blaming yourself and show strength. That is the best thing to do. Can you keep the house? He will pay child support. Do you work? Be prepared to figure out what to do when he realizes he has screwed up. Make sure this is what you want and not just a reaction to being alone. {{{HUGS}}}
Author KMil Posted June 22, 2012 Author Posted June 22, 2012 There are no kids involved and I am willing to fight for our relationship. But I feel helpless because he isn't willing to fight. We had not talked/texted in a week but then we had to message because of the mortgage bill. He is a teacher and is now applying for jobs where his family is from (3 hours away) --already! I feel like he is completely running away from all his issues. He almost likes to turn it around to make me feel sorry for him (that he doesn't have any family here and everyone hates him so he would be stupid to stay in this town). He was supposed to come to the house tonight and sign checks/bills and he told me all day that he would come but then right before - a meeting came up at 7pm and he could not come over today. Now he wants to come while I'm at work tomorrow. He cannot even face me. He is such a coward and he is just running for his life. He hasn't mentioned actually filing for divorce, but I think that I'm going to go ahead and file. He is just playing mind games with me. This is the worst I've ever felt and I just wish this was a bad dream.
jaymz Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 Its horrible. Sorry this has happened to you. Please follow Radu advise. Its important to start the 180 so you get yourself together and then you can start on separating your lives. Remember it takes two to put in 100% of their 50% of the relationship, you cannot do it all alone.
2.50 a gallon Posted June 22, 2012 Posted June 22, 2012 Kmil So sorry to make your acquaintance. I know how how you feel. My Ex and I were together for 2 and half years, and I caught her cheating on me on our six month anniversary. She was my best friend, and being as we had just moved a thousand miles away from our home town, she was my only friend. I too slipped into this dark bottomless pit, where the question was not would I ever be happy again, but would I ever laugh again The answer to both questions was O Yeah! It might not be tomorrow, but some day it will happen. With your last post, he sounds like a little boy in a man's body. As you put it a coward, and even running back to mommy. Be greatful that you didn't have kids with him. Have faith, that some day in the future something a lot better will come your way
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