Cupcake Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 I'm dating a guy long distance. He lives in Montreal. I live in Georgia. A few months ago, Radiohead concert tickets went on sale. I was visiting my boyfriend when he booked the tickets. They sold out within the first two hours. He barely managed to buy two!!! Where I come in... I've been dating my boyfriend for 2 years, exclusive for 8 months. I feel like I'm still getting to know him. And I've heard him talk about this band since the day we met. Naturally I assumed I would be his date for this "major" concert. I took a week of vacation from work and bought airline tickets to make sure I'd be available to join him. Two weeks ago, when I confirmed all this, he regretfully told me I couldn't go with him to the concert. He already invited a female, Sandy, who works with him. Sandy is new with the company. Radiohead is also her favorite band of all time. She knows about me, but I haven't met her yet. His reasons for not taking me... 1) He wasn't sure I'd be able to get the time off work and travel there. He wanted to have a sure date and this girl was definately available. 2) Prior to meeting him, I had never heard of the band. He and this girl are huge fans. It's the one thing they have in common. Since they work together (his goal at work is to befriend everyone in his office) and she's new. So this is a good way to officially welcome her to their team. Considering both my boyfriend and I made decisions that were too late to change, he suggested I still visit him and spend the evening at home alone while he was with this girl. It's only one night! But I felt terrible because that one night was the main reason I was going there again so soon. Usually we see each other once a month. I just visited him two weeks ago. The concert was last night. Instead of going to see my boyfriend in Montreal, I changed my airline ticket and went to visit one of my best friends in Kansas City. We see each other only once a year anyway. She is happy to have me with her. But now my boyfriend is upset with me. He's okay with me spending time with my friend. But he thinks the reason I'm doing it is selfish and immautre because it was such a drastic change. "Thats so ridiculous you gave up an entire week for us, just because I couldn't spend one evening with you," he said. "We would've had all the other days to do stuff together." Please LoveShack family, tell me who was wrong or right in this situation (me or my boyfriend). What is a better way for us to have dealt with this? What should we do now? We're talking about breaking up because the distance is hard enough as it is. Having all these arguments is more exhausting. Maybe there is a better solution.
Author Cupcake Posted June 16, 2012 Author Posted June 16, 2012 The reason I made the change to see my friend is that I was so heartbroken when my boyfriend told me he wasn't taking me. Our relationsip is still growing. I am interested in whatever he likes (even if it's something I never heard of). This was a once in a long time opportunity for me to share this experience with him. For what I understand, the band hasn't performed together in nearly 10 years, especially not in Montreal. Tickets are so expensive. He may never see them live again. This was the first time he has seen them live. I felt hurt that he didn't "WANT" to share that with me. he treated it like it was no big deal.
TaraMaiden Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 Usual problem, lack of/poor communication. he should have made it clear with you who the other ticket was intended for, and cleared it with you.... You should have cleared going to see your buddy before changing the ticket. You're neither of you skilful at communication, and i suspect a bit stubborn. EDIT (After your second post) Ah, so there was a bit of a get-you-back motive too.... I wondered. You say you've known/been with him for 2 years, yet you've only been exclusive for 8. Maybe taking an exclusive partner's feelings into consideration is still a challenge for you both......?
Butterflying Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 Long distant relationships are hard. Communication is a very big deal. Canceling the whole trip because of one night was a bit extreme. But more important is the reason that he didn't tell you he was taking someone else from the begining. Did you even discuss it? Had he ever mentioned the possibility of taking the other woman before you made plans to join him? Did he every truly invite you to join him? Yes you should be concerned if he didn't invite you, especially since he took another woman instead. What is the nature of their relationship beyond work? I suspect you might be jealous of that woman (understandably since he took her, not you). If he reasons are true, then I understand his point too. But he should have been direct about that. And definitely when you expressed discomfort about it, he should have considered disappointing that other woman not as severe as disappointing you. Sorry, I don't think this relationship is going to survive this way much longer. You two don't communicate well. A break up might be the best option.
cerridwen Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 (edited) If you're ever to have meaningful relationships, successfully communicating upset and reaching a positive resolution are important skills. Your feelings were hurt. Understandable as mine would have been too. But you can communicate feelings honestly ("I'm hurt we won't be sharing that concert together. It feels like I wasn't considered.") without escalating things with a bit of revenge. That never turns out well. It appears he tried to turn the situation around by focusing on the other days you'd have. What kept you from doing the same? Edited June 16, 2012 by cerridwen 1
SarahRose Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 i would have been very upset he took another woman to a concert. did he even clear this with you? you say you see each other every month. how many times has he flown down to see you?
TMichaels Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 (edited) Who's to blame? In a nutshell, both of you. a) You assumed you would be his date for the concert and made your travel plans apparently without any discussion with him beforehand. (2 wks in advance doesn't count.) b) He assumed you wouldn't be in town and apparently never bothered to share with you what his plans for the concert would be if you weren't. Bad call on his part, because even if you hadn't made "secret" plans to join him that week, I'm sure you wouldn't have been happy to find out after the fact his date was another girl, platonic co-worker or not. c) Evidently, when all was known neither one of you had a civil, reasonable discussion about what do to make the best of things. Your feelings were hurt, and his suggestion of visiting anyway was like rubbing salt in the wound. So instead, you abruptly change your travel plans (I'm guessing without telling him until after your trip had been re-booked). He sees that as a immature, knee-jerk reaction. You see him as being insensitive, uncaring and thick. Other posters are correct -- you two have lousy communication and conflict-resolution skills -- two things that are important in any relationship but critical if you're in a LDR. I don't have much faith you'll make it as a couple in the long run if you both aren't willing to work on being more considerate, have more open communication, and are willing to work through problems together -- and compromise. Hint: Resolving conflict effectively *does not* start with assigning blame. IOW, you two both need to be committed to each other and making the relationship work. Right now, it doesn't appear that's the case or you aren't mature enough to handle it. HTH, TMichaels Edited June 16, 2012 by TMichaels 4
storm007 Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 I don't like the sound of him not asking you to the concert, because if the shoe was on the other foot, you would have asked him, that is upsetting, distant has no barrier if you truly want to be with someone.
TaraMaiden Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 There's irony. The concert has been cancelled due to collapse of some equipment. Some people suffered serious injury so the whole thing has been called off. Oh dear....
TMichaels Posted June 17, 2012 Posted June 17, 2012 There's irony. The concert has been cancelled due to collapse of some equipment. Some people suffered serious injury so the whole thing has been called off. Oh dear.... Tragic. A man was killed. But, wrong venue. Tragedy/concert was cancelled in Toronto -- day after the concert in Montreal which the one the OP was concerned about. Best, TMichaels
D-Lish Posted June 17, 2012 Posted June 17, 2012 Are you kidding me? No communication was involved before you booked an airline ticket to go to the concert? He didn't invite you, it was never discussed or confirmed before you booked it, but you booked a ticket regardless? He took another girl to the concert, apparently thought of her before you, and you're still with him? I'm shaking my head right now. This guy is NOT that into you. That should be obvious.
TaraMaiden Posted June 17, 2012 Posted June 17, 2012 Tragic. A man was killed. But, wrong venue. Tragedy/concert was cancelled in Toronto -- day after the concert in Montreal which the one the OP was concerned about. Best, TMichaels Good, thank you for the correction. I knew it was a one-night only concert, but i didn't realise this was at different venues. The actual death of a member of the public puts a whole new sad slant on this thread..... Thanks.
shorty7 Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 Are you kidding me? No communication was involved before you booked an airline ticket to go to the concert? He didn't invite you, it was never discussed or confirmed before you booked it, but you booked a ticket regardless? He took another girl to the concert, apparently thought of her before you, and you're still with him? I'm shaking my head right now. This guy is NOT that into you. That should be obvious. Ummm... to be honest though, if I were a die-hard fan of something and it was my once-in-a-lifetime chance to see the performance, I'd rather go at it alone than take someone who's less-than-enthused or apathetic about it. If I had someone equally interested or invested as I am, I'd sure be up to taking that person instead. For seasoned couples, this is easy to associate. I'd rather take a die-hard fan with me to a Broadway show (regardless of gender) than my boyfriend who'd be all "meh, it was alright." and he'd rather take someone just as enthused to the E3 convention (read: geek convention meccha of gamers) as he is than me, who would complain about walking so much and being around smelly people all the time. That, I would argue, has almost nothing to do with how much he's interested or into you. It's just a natural understanding that better company makes an experience better. Even the best of bed mates don't necessarily have to enjoy all hobbies together to make the best of couples. To answer the OP's question, BOTH of you were wrong and screwed up as many others have said. (TMichaels said it best) However, I would argue that the way you're asking is already in the wrong attitude. The focus shouldn't be who was wrong or right but should start with admittance of both parties that you two need to be communicating better.
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