avon20 Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 In light of the fact that men have a harder time processing breakups and rejection than women do it is probably a healthy relationship to be one where the man's interest level is at least slightly lower than the woman's interest level. Men take longer to recover from rejection than women do. Part of the reason is that women usually have offers coming from other men soon after getting dumped. Those new men in her life help speed up the recovery process from her previous rejection. When a guy dumps his girlfriend it really isn't a big deal to her usually. Yeah she may hurt for awhile but there's plenty of new guys to come help her get over him. I can testify in my experience that I always take longer to recover from a breakup than my ex girlfriends regardless of who did the dumping and even if I had a lower interest level than her during the entire relationship. Even when I do the dumping it is a double edge sword. On the one hand I am glad to have my freedom back but I still have to grieve the loss even if it was for the best. I have grieved breakups where I only had 30% interest level while the girl had 95% interest level. I do not know why I take longer to get over even those girls that I didn't dig. Can you imagine how much harder and longer it would take me to get over a girl who dumps me if I have 100% interest in her? My point is if I am having a hard enough time processing a breakup even if I did the rejecting and had a lower interest than her then how much more devastating would it be if my interest level is higher than hers? That's a scary thought.
anne1707 Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 You should read Chris250's posts. They might help you.
d'Arthez Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 Why would you even get into a relationship when your own interest level is 30%?
TaraMaiden Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 Oh yeah. Chris250.... He was big on statistics, percentages and strategies. Hilarious. Funny guy.
Casablanca Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 In light of the fact that men have a harder time processing breakups and rejection than women do it is probably a healthy relationship to be one where the man's interest level is at least slightly lower than the woman's interest level. Men take longer to recover from rejection than women do. When a guy dumps his girlfriend it really isn't a big deal to her usually. Yeah she may hurt for awhile but there's plenty of new guys to come help her get over him. I'd say it would be the other way...I've seen more women than men who were completely broken and devastated over breakups...Heck, I still had some power over two ex's I broke up with after about a year where just them seeing me set their whole day upside down. One of my high school teachers had a saying, I went to an all boys school so he could say this...when two people break up, the guy goes home and masturbates, the girl goes crying to her friends. I think women, especially if sex has been involved not always, but more often have a stronger connection and take it more personal than guys. 3
Vintage79 Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 In light of the fact that men have a harder time processing breakups and rejection than women do it is probably a healthy relationship to be one where the man's interest level is at least slightly lower than the woman's interest level. This statement is wrong on so many levels. While you cite personal experience, I can as well - almost every girl I've dated has had a much harder time with the break-up than me. I'm not going to try to generalize, though, it's really an individual thing, as opposed to a gender thing. I know many guys that are perpetually heartbroken, just like I know many women that suffer from the same thing. Anyhow, I think if you're going into a relationship with the expectation of being less interested than the woman, you're for starters doing her a diservice, as well as yourself a diservice. If you're only trying to get laid - that situation makes things very, very easy, but if you're looking for a relationship, you're courting disaster, cheating, an break-up. Men take longer to recover from rejection than women do. Part of the reason is that women usually have offers coming from other men soon after getting dumped. Those new men in her life help speed up the recovery process from her previous rejection. Again - disagree. I'm a guy and have been dumped almost many times as I've broken up with the girl (I'd say 60-40 - although I'm sure the girls will say 40-60). Regardless, you say women have so many offers - believe it or not, it's not tough for a guy to get lots of offers...yes, you have to do more than stand in a corner and look pretty at a bar, but not much more. Moreover, I don't think that sleazy, one night stands really help a girl recover - it may in the short term, but it will ultimately cause substantial, emotional trauma, which will be to her severe detriment. When a guy dumps his girlfriend it really isn't a big deal to her usually. Yeah she may hurt for awhile but there's plenty of new guys to come help her get over him. Again - completely disagree - I've had women cry/call me for weeks afterwards. I think the real difference is that women are generally more in-tune with their emotions, and consequently, see it coming, so they can prepare a bit better. Trust me, if any party is blindsided, it will be rough - in most cases (at least for me), it's essentially mutual, where both people knew things wouldn't last. Even when I do the dumping it is a double edge sword. On the one hand I am glad to have my freedom back but I still have to grieve the loss even if it was for the best. I have grieved breakups where I only had 30% interest level while the girl had 95% interest level. If this is/was the case, I'm guessing that you didn't judge the interest levels correctly...just a hunch... 1
verhrzn Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 My experience with break-ups (being in them and seeing them) is that women universally (stereotype) have a hard time with them, but power through relatively well. Men, on the other hand, seem to handle break-ups in two ways: either they care not at all, or they are devastated. Women seem to deal with break-ups with moderate feelings; whether she really liked the guy or wasn't that into him doesn't seem to matter too much. But men seem to live in the extremes. My exes had lower level interest than me, and couldn't have cared less when we broke up. My last one was screwing someone new within 2 days. But all of them had that one girl, the "one that got away," that years later they still pinned over. Kinda pathetic, in my opinion, pining over a "perfect" girl that is in the past and not caring at all about a present girlfriend... but what do I know.
oaks Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 How on earth do you calculate an interest level of 30%? Maybe I should check out those posts by Chris250, although I think there were also some posts by tiger20 that cover similar ground. 1
mortensorchid Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 I cannot imagine that you arrive at these conclusions based on experiences other than personal ones. Because if I were to make said statement, I would have to say that men get over it much better than women do. Or maybe that's me, because they seem to bounce right into the next relationship right after me, usually end up marrying the next one. As for women getting distractions by being fawned over by other men almost immediately, once in a blue moon that may happen to me, but not half as much as you seem to think it does. Please don't think of this as being defensive in any way, I have no reason to believe that you are lying about this observation. I too have had to curb my stereotypes about men and women's behaviors. I can only conclude that you have had bad experiences, as have I. The only thing you can do is to be happy with you.
anne1707 Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 How on earth do you calculate an interest level of 30%? Maybe I should check out those posts by Chris250, although I think there were also some posts by tiger20 that cover similar ground. Spooky coincidence huh?
storm007 Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 When you have trouble getting over someone, it is called guilt.
goldengirl11 Posted June 17, 2012 Posted June 17, 2012 I'd say it would be the other way...I've seen more women than men who were completely broken and devastated over breakups...Heck, I still had some power over two ex's I broke up with after about a year where just them seeing me set their whole day upside down. One of my high school teachers had a saying, I went to an all boys school so he could say this...when two people break up, the guy goes home and masturbates, the girl goes crying to her friends. I think women, especially if sex has been involved not always, but more often have a stronger connection and take it more personal than guys. Yes, I totally agree here. Women on the whole seem to be more sensitive where break ups are concerned, or even in general!
Author avon20 Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 I'd say it would be the other way...I've seen more women than men who were completely broken and devastated over breakups...Heck, I still had some power over two ex's I broke up with after about a year where just them seeing me set their whole day upside down. One of my high school teachers had a saying, I went to an all boys school so he could say this...when two people break up, the guy goes home and masturbates, the girl goes crying to her friends. I think women, especially if sex has been involved not always, but more often have a stronger connection and take it more personal than guys. Then you must really be a man in high demand then. Only men in high demand would have that kind of effect on a woman for a long time. Your case is an exception and not normative.
Author avon20 Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 This statement is wrong on so many levels. While you cite personal experience, I can as well - almost every girl I've dated has had a much harder time with the break-up than me. I'm not going to try to generalize, though, it's really an individual thing, as opposed to a gender thing. I know many guys that are perpetually heartbroken, just like I know many women that suffer from the same thing. Anyhow, I think if you're going into a relationship with the expectation of being less interested than the woman, you're for starters doing her a diservice, as well as yourself a diservice. If you're only trying to get laid - that situation makes things very, very easy, but if you're looking for a relationship, you're courting disaster, cheating, an break-up. Again - disagree. I'm a guy and have been dumped almost many times as I've broken up with the girl (I'd say 60-40 - although I'm sure the girls will say 40-60). Regardless, you say women have so many offers - believe it or not, it's not tough for a guy to get lots of offers...yes, you have to do more than stand in a corner and look pretty at a bar, but not much more. Moreover, I don't think that sleazy, one night stands really help a girl recover - it may in the short term, but it will ultimately cause substantial, emotional trauma, which will be to her severe detriment. Again - completely disagree - I've had women cry/call me for weeks afterwards. I think the real difference is that women are generally more in-tune with their emotions, and consequently, see it coming, so they can prepare a bit better. Trust me, if any party is blindsided, it will be rough - in most cases (at least for me), it's essentially mutual, where both people knew things wouldn't last. If this is/was the case, I'm guessing that you didn't judge the interest levels correctly...just a hunch... My doing a woman a disservice by entering into a relationship with less interest than her is a fair point. The idea that I would be doing myself a disservice is not a fair point. It's up to me to make the determination whether or not I'm doing myself a disservice because it's my life & my time. Unless you are a man who is already in high demand and high status in society it is tougher for men to get offers than women. Women do not have to be in as high status as men are to get offers. If a man wants to date he's got to be the one doing the pursuing usually (unless he's in high demand already). That's how it will always be. Women have no incentive to pursue men until the day comes when all men stop pursuing. So perhaps you are one of those men who is in high status in society & high demand and that's why you must have such an effect on women for a long time after a breakup. But most men are not in high demand like yourself. I believe I have judged the interest levels correctly when I have had a harder time getting over an ex in spite of having a lower interest level in the relationship. How do I know I judged my low interest level correctly? because there was a reason I didn't want to spend time with her more than once a month. There was a reason I always felt it was a chore to plan dates together. There was a reason I didn't want to have sex with her. There was a reason I didn't want to marry her. There were 2 exes that wanted to marry me and I didn't want to so the relationship was over. I still went through all the breakup pangs and grief and everything. It is possible to still grieve a breakup even if I wanted less intimacy and less commitment out of the relationship than she did.
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