How should I interpret his behavior? What does this mean?

[The_Middleman]

Anger. Being so fed up. Even gullibility maybe: He said his wife has "issues" and he shouldve left a long time ago. I know, I know, a likely story. Same line many cheaters use. Ive no real excuses. Ive just stopped caring much.

So what you are you trying to tell me is that because your marriage is in shambles and you are bitter (and I do sense bitterness) that you feel it's OK to risk destroying his family? Why can't you find a single guy to screw around with? Why risk causing a lot of grief? Sounds evil and vindictive to me.

 

BTW: The clown you are schmoozing with doesn't get a pass, he's just a low life looking to drop a load. (excuse the expression)

[TooInvolved2]

Just one more time, he senses your vulnerabilities. Think of it like an animal in wild, one who is sick or weak, does their very best to hide it because they know they are prey if they show weakness. You've shown your weakness already by flirting, talking, being receptive to an affair. Now you are already in the beginning stages of an affair. So.......he has your number, don't you get it? It's not because he finds YOU so irresistible. You've shown yourself to be available for an affair, and sex is the goal for him. Nothing indicates he has any emotionally investment at all. Girl......he couldn't be making it more clear if he knocked you upside the head with it. Hello.

Sure, he has shown me some emotional investment. But I can see why you would say/think that.

 

 

Indebted? Are you serious? Get you fired? Which is it, he is your boss or not? If he isn't your boss how could he get you fired? That's wrongful termination to be fired just because you won't have an affair with someone and the company can be sued.

 

I'm starting to wonder if this situation you are speaking of is for real.

No he isnt my boss. He doesnt have to be my boss to have influence at work. He is an exec. Im in a rather lowly position, presently. Yes, it would be wrongful termination. But who is to say he wouldnt try to convince my boss (his colleague and equal) to dismiss me if he felt so inclined?

 

Thing is, ppl at work know he "likes" me and have begun to talk. They keep saying, "I think Mr X likes you. He's always at your desk" or " He looks mesmerized by you." I dont know if they realize I like him back. Either way, if I ended things and his ego got bruised, who knows what he'd do? I dont...

Edited June 16, 2012 by TooInvolved2

[TooInvolved2]

You still dont believe Im telling the truth...?

 

But yes I like the attention. No denying it.

Edited June 16, 2012 by TooInvolved2

[2sunny]

Interpret his behavior as "his family takes priority over you"

[TooInvolved2]

Interpret his behavior as "his family takes priority over you"

True indeed.

I don't know..........are you? My spidey senses are tingling but yet I don't know.

 

There have been ow who are not happy with LS who come back and post stories just to waste people's time and so they can laugh and there have been BS's who post stories so they can get a laugh too.

Yes, Im telling the truth. 100%. Im not a troll. Interesting though that I give off a BSer vibe online. I think IRL my sincerity is more apparent.

[MissBee]

Hello! I'm a married woman who's having an EA with a MM and I've never done it before. So I need help on understanding what certain things (comments/actions) mean in this context. Sorry if this gets long: My MM and I met at work. He was away on business for a few days and just returned today. He called on his drive home and after a nice, long chat said, "Have a good weekend. See you Monday." We generally don't see each other on weekends, but I was disappointed that after a few days of not seeing each other that he couldn't try harder to maybe see me this weekend. He said he'd text me of course or maybe call, but no face-to-face until Monday. He asked if that were OK and I was honest and said No...I didn't belabor the point and said fine we'll talk more on Monday. Unfortunately, I'm starting to really like this man. We haven't even had sex yet, so it's not just that. But should I assume from his "no weekend" contact that I'll never become a serious relationship for him? I guess a mistress shouldn't expect to become a serious relationship, but I s'pose I was hoping.

 

Background: I've been married near 14 years. No sex. EVER. Husband "cant." But he wont even try or discuss. Tried docs/meds a few yrs ago with no success. Broke up for 4 yrs but reconciled, which was DUMB on my part. He never talks about it or tries to get help on his own. Now Im angry. Enter my MM. We've been flirting for maybe 6 weeks or so. No sex yet though. We have to "figure that out," i.e., where, when, etc. He's been calling me "darling" and such recently and saying things that make me think he actually cares and wants more than just sex from me (I'm naive, I guess). E.g., I told him I had an STD and he said he still wants to be with me, but we'll just have to modify our "activities" to be safer. He doesn't seem like the mind-game type. But hey he is having an EA after all...

 

How should I interpret MM's comments/behavior? TIA

 

I think you're already aware of the possible and likely reality of this never becoming serious, him never making time for you and that calling you darling and other terms of endearment may not be very meaningful things. I think you already feel uncertain about this, so want us to say something that calms your fears. Unfortunately, I don't think I can.

 

If you really like him...you probably should stop before it gets more serious on your part, as I can see this becoming a one-sided thing. I know you're trying to find something outside of your marriage, but, this may end up being an additional stress for you and not a release, if you end up falling for this MM and he ends up treating you like a side piece.

 

It's not too late to leave your husband and find a regular boyfriend who will make time for you, whom you can hang out with, have sex with and who will make the time for you because he wants to and who will take your relationship seriously. It's counterproductive IMO, to expect a serious relationship from him. You shouldn't settle with anyone...your husband or this MM. If your M is dead....disentangle yourself so you can be free to live your life and date freely. If this MM is not prioritizing you and is already not giving you what you need...cut him loose. Life's too short to spend it juggling two pseudo-relationships.

[MissBee]

Unfortunately, I'm already emotionally involved. He knows it. And he seems to reciprocate.

 

As for the std, yes, it's herpes. I don't like the idea of transmitting it to anyone, which is why I told him about it so he could decide what to do. I was surprised he didn't end things right then... Why would he continue pursuing something with me (knowing I have an STD) if he didn't have feelings for me?

 

TooInvolved...there are all kinds of people in the world.

 

We make the mistake of assuming people do things for the reasons we do or they wouldn't for the same reasons we wouldn't. NO. It doesn't work like that. People have all kinds of motivations- some are good intentions and often times many are self-serving and not so good intentions.

 

Women often like the more romantic explanations...xyz means he must have feelings for me, must love me etc. When in reality, it may be nothing of the sort...and often is not even about you, but this person's own selfish desires. I don't know enough about him, but what has he done to show you he cares besides agreeing to engage in illicit activities? Maybe he doesn't care about diseases, maybe he is that reckless. Maybe he thinks since you guys will do "safe" stuff, it won't matter. Who knows, but what I do know is that I wince every time a woman assumes a man must have special feelings for her because of some insignificant thing or other. He may have feelings alright...but you can trust they are not deep, loving feelings.

[TooInvolved2]

OK.......I didn't say you were a bs posing as a ow, I gave two scenario's and you picked the bs one. Interesting.

 

 

Assuming you are not trolling, this isn't your 1st affair?

 

You do realize that mm who want sex mainly pick other mw, not single women, right? They see them as safer, less likely to rock the boat and view them as less likely to get emotionally involved as they have something to lose too.

 

Check out this thread and read the article links.

 

Also you've not addressed why you think it's ok to take a risk on giving this man's wife herpes without her consent, it doesn't bother you?

It is my 1st affair.

 

Yes, I addressed the std question before.

[MissBee]

Elaborate? You're planning on starting up a physical affair with a guy you work with - nightmare! This is gonna be a mess, you will end up heartbroken, your job will become problematic, ...

 

Just go find someone else to have sex with, don't do it with this married work mate!! We are warning you here.

 

I agree. Sex is easy to come by, especially for women. There is no reason why sex needs to happen with your married superior at your job. None.

 

There are plenty of sites for people looking for hook ups, even communities for people who have herpes, so that takes the burden off of you to have to reveal it to someone. While I don't advocate people having As; there are less risky A options, like choosing someone who doesn't work with you for starters and esp. in the case of stds, someone who is not married to another and sleeping with you secretly and possibly passing it on. A single guy can choose to go there and if he does end up contracting it, he can choose to tell his next partner. A MM in an A is not going to ask his wife before he sleeps with you what she thinks about him taking that risk. If he contracts it, he'll just pass it on.

 

I think you should opt for a different A partner if you insist on an A....but the ideal situation is to tell your husband the truth, that you don't think the marriage is working. He'll be hurt but will get over it. Speak to him about potentially opening up the marriage. Have you guys ever discussed this? Perhaps he will be open to that since he knows his sexual limitations? If he is open to that, then it will be great for you, you will then have an open way to have a sexual outlet and can choose safer situations for all involved.

[twinsmom]

Tooinvolved2,

 

What do you want to see happen in this situation?

[whichwayisup]

BSer as in bullshi.t or betrayed spouse? Just so you know BS can mean a few things on here, but in this section BS means betrayed spouse.

Thing is, ppl at work know he "likes" me and have begun to talk. They keep saying, "I think Mr X likes you. He's always at your desk" or " He looks mesmerized by you." I dont know if they realize I like him back. Either way, if I ended things and his ego got bruised, who knows what he'd do? I dont...

You are at fault too here, you have a brain that can think. You KNOW this situation is stupid and bad. (NOT saying you are bad or stupid, just the situation you're putting yourself in.) you are askin for trouble by having an affair with someone you work with that is in a high position than you, has influence over your career (as in moving into a better paying job), he is married and already the work gossip has started. You will be known as one who slept with a higher up to get a better job. Do you want that reputation? Do you want to be the one who gets gossiped about, the woman who is married and has an affair with married man? Come on..

 

So what if you're emotionally attached. You are married and so is he. Whatever his reasons are for still being married are valid to him. Just like your reasons are valid to you. He already has set the pace saying it's a monday to friday affair and not to see or speak to you on weekends. Get used to that. He isn't in love with you, nor is he going to leave his wife and family for you. Why would he when you are married too?

 

You need to either fix your marriage, come clean and maybe your husband will allow an open marriage or divorce.

[Emme]

So...how would I get out of this all in the least messy way? We work together. And, yes, he's more powerful than me there. He's not my boss though. Jobs aren't easy to come by nowadays, so just finding a new one is easier said than done. And to complicate things more, he put in a good word for me for a better position. I interviewed, etc., etc., and I just got a job offer. I guess I'm indebted to him now. If I break things off will he try sabotage the new position or try to get me fired altogether?

 

Now see, when I read that... I say he plans on collecting. However which way.. he will collect. Boss or no boss. You strung yourself out for a position and now you choose not to deliver. You have to pay a price but its in your interest to pay it before he wants to collect. Decline the job offer, personal issues.

 

You can't be a indian giver with the coochie. He did his part and I'm sure he wants what's coming. Any man who is willing to sex a woman who claims to be infected (joking or not) is in it to win. He might not want what's down stairs but I'm sure he's thinking in terms of there's nothing wrong with your mouth.

 

What you have to decide is what you can live with. If you can live with this man taking control of your personal and professional life then that's on you. No complaints when it all goes to hell. If you want to sustain a healthy work environment, don't use his assistance to excel.

 

As far as your husband. What's wrong with his mouth, hands, sex toys? Your not in a sexless marriage your with someone you can't stand. Be honest. Move out, get him a roommate and you get a place and get yourself one. If he has health issues I sure hope you figured out the cause.

 

Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

As far as your husband. What's wrong with his mouth, hands, sex toys? Your not in a sexless marriage your with someone you can't stand. Be honest. Move out, get him a roommate and you get a place and get yourself one. If he has health issues I sure hope you figured out the cause.

 

I agree with this. And also you say you and your H separated for four years. why would your husband be devastated if you two split up again? Even more so if you were just plain honest with him, that you don't love him and are sick and tired of no sex. you could tell him you met someone and are about to have sex with another man. That will either wake him up or set himself free so you two can divorce.

[Trimmer]

Also you've not addressed why you think it's ok to take a risk on giving this man's wife herpes without her consent, it doesn't bother you?

 

Yes, I addressed the std question before.

Actually, you have not addressed your involvement in the possible exposure of his wife to the STD. You and he are aware and informed of the risks involved. Once you have sex with him, his wife is not informed of the risks that you two are aware of. Can you address that std question?

[Stephanie]

I've deleted the posts questioning the authenticity of this member and her story. Either you have a civil response or you don't. Insinuating she's a troll is not a civil response. If you don't feel her story is legitimate, don't respond.

[OpenBook]

So...how would I get out of this all in the least messy way? We work together. And, yes, he's more powerful than me there. He's not my boss though. Jobs aren't easy to come by nowadays, so just finding a new one is easier said than done. And to complicate things more, he put in a good word for me for a better position. I interviewed, etc., etc., and I just got a job offer. I guess I'm indebted to him now. If I break things off will he try sabotage the new position or try to get me fired altogether?

 

Hi TooInvolved. Here are my suggestions:

 

(1) Take that new position, and do it to the best of your ability.

 

(2) Treat your new boss like gold!

 

(3) Remain friendly with Mr. Wonderful but whatever you do, DON'T SLEEP WITH HIM!! <--quickest way to sabotage your career, at least at the current company. You'll never be able to live it down!

 

(4) Conversely, one of the BEST things you can do for your career is take an office crush and turn it into a friend and ally. It is not easy, but it can be done. You have to wait for your feelings to fade (just let them wash right thru you, like sh*t thru a goose). They will in time, if you don't feed them. Added Bonus: Down the road, he will respect you more - WAY more - than if you had slept with him. Just handle the situation with dignity and class, and treat HIM with dignity and class at the office, no matter what. Back off the flirting too. Stay your friendly self, but don't let the conversation steer way off course.

 

(5) Talk to your H and tell him you are tired of living without sex. Depending on your relationship with him (are you two good friends??) it might even be worth considering telling him about your attraction to this guy at work. The lack of sex is a serious problem and is threatening the M. If he cares at all, he should want to work on the problem with you.

 

----

 

Good luck!

[TooInvolved2]

I agree. Sex is easy to come by, especially for women. There is no reason why sex needs to happen with your married superior at your job. None.

 

There are plenty of sites for people looking for hook ups, even communities for people who have herpes, so that takes the burden off of you to have to reveal it to someone. While I don't advocate people having As; there are less risky A options, like choosing someone who doesn't work with you for starters and esp. in the case of stds, someone who is not married to another and sleeping with you secretly and possibly passing it on. A single guy can choose to go there and if he does end up contracting it, he can choose to tell his next partner. A MM in an A is not going to ask his wife before he sleeps with you what she thinks about him taking that risk. If he contracts it, he'll just pass it on.

 

I think you should opt for a different A partner if you insist on an A....but the ideal situation is to tell your husband the truth, that you don't think the marriage is working. He'll be hurt but will get over it. Speak to him about potentially opening up the marriage. Have you guys ever discussed this? Perhaps he will be open to that since he knows his sexual limitations? If he is open to that, then it will be great for you, you will then have an open way to have a sexual outlet and can choose safer situations for all involved.

But I'm not just looking for a hookup, never was. Mr. X approached me and, for various reasons I guess, I developed an interest in him. I'm not arguing with you. I see your point(s). I'm just clarifying the above.

 

Tooinvolved2,

 

What do you want to see happen in this situation?

Good question. I want to be with him in a real relationship - emotional and sexual. Yes, I know how ludicrous that sounds. I want respect (despite my dumb behavior, as of late). I don't want to feel like a side-piece, and a Mon-Fri one, at that! I want him to be honest with me - whatever the truth is. And I want out of my marriage. But I do want my husband to be happy too. This is what I want, not that any of it is possible.

 

BSer as in bullshi.t or betrayed spouse? Just so you know BS can mean a few things on here, but in this section BS means betrayed spouse.

 

You are at fault too here, you have a brain that can think. You KNOW this situation is stupid and bad. (NOT saying you are bad or stupid, just the situation you're putting yourself in.) you are askin for trouble by having an affair with someone you work with that is in a high position than you, has influence over your career (as in moving into a better paying job), he is married and already the work gossip has started. You will be known as one who slept with a higher up to get a better job. Do you want that reputation? Do you want to be the one who gets gossiped about, the woman who is married and has an affair with married man? Come on..

 

So what if you're emotionally attached. You are married and so is he. Whatever his reasons are for still being married are valid to him. Just like your reasons are valid to you. He already has set the pace saying it's a monday to friday affair and not to see or speak to you on weekends. Get used to that. He isn't in love with you, nor is he going to leave his wife and family for you. Why would he when you are married too?

 

You need to either fix your marriage, come clean and maybe your husband will allow an open marriage or divorce.

Oh I didn't think about the other meaning BS could have. I meant it as in bullsh*tter...

[TooInvolved2]

Now see, when I read that... I say he plans on collecting. However which way.. he will collect. Boss or no boss. You strung yourself out for a position and now you choose not to deliver. You have to pay a price but its in your interest to pay it before he wants to collect. Decline the job offer, personal issues.

 

You can't be a indian giver with the coochie. He did his part and I'm sure he wants what's coming. Any man who is willing to sex a woman who claims to be infected (joking or not) is in it to win. He might not want what's down stairs but I'm sure he's thinking in terms of there's nothing wrong with your mouth.

 

What you have to decide is what you can live with. If you can live with this man taking control of your personal and professional life then that's on you. No complaints when it all goes to hell. If you want to sustain a healthy work environment, don't use his assistance to excel.

 

As far as your husband. What's wrong with his mouth, hands, sex toys? Your not in a sexless marriage your with someone you can't stand. Be honest. Move out, get him a roommate and you get a place and get yourself one. If he has health issues I sure hope you figured out the cause.

Good luck.

Good points. All but especially the bolded.

 

I've deleted the posts questioning the authenticity of this member and her story. Either you have a civil response or you don't. Insinuating she's a troll is not a civil response. If you don't feel her story is legitimate, don't respond.

Thank you.

[MissBee]

But I'm not just looking for a hookup, never was. Mr. X approached me and, for various reasons I guess, I developed an interest in him. I'm not arguing with you. I see your point(s). I'm just clarifying the above.

 

Good question. I want to be with him in a real relationship - emotional and sexual. Yes, I know how ludicrous that sounds. I want respect (despite my dumb behavior, as of late). I don't want to feel like a side-piece, and a Mon-Fri one, at that! I want him to be honest with me - whatever the truth is. And I want out of my marriage. But I do want my husband to be happy too. This is what I want, not that any of it is possible.

 

Oh I didn't think about the other meaning BS could have. I meant it as in bullsh*tter...

 

Even more so...if you want to be considered as a serious girlfriend, build a serious relationship, possibly have a future and not be frustrated (like you are now with your H)...it is best not to enter an A with your superior who is already showing you that you will likely not be his serious woman, he will probably not prioritize you and you will probably end up just as frustrated, except maybe now you'll have sex. You'll probably get sex and other forms of frustration, hurt feelings, loneliness, rejection etc.

 

Either way you slice it: whether you're looking for just sex or a good relationship, this situation does not seem to be a good investment to gain either.

[TooInvolved2]

I agree with this. And also you say you and your H separated for four years. why would your husband be devastated if you two split up again? Even more so if you were just plain honest with him, that you don't love him and are sick and tired of no sex. you could tell him you met someone and are about to have sex with another man. That will either wake him up or set himself free so you two can divorce.

The other day he said he couldn't "go through that a second time" and if I was thinking about separating again to just get a gun and shoot him. Melodramatic, I know. But that doesn't mean he wasn't semi-serious.

 

Actually, you have not addressed your involvement in the possible exposure of his wife to the STD. You and he are aware and informed of the risks involved. Once you have sex with him, his wife is not informed of the risks that you two are aware of. Can you address that std question?

The question of how I could do such a thing? There's no real answer except that I have become so angry that I don't care as much as I used to. It's bad. I realize it. I actually used to be a good person or tried to be. Now I have an "eff it all" attitude sometimes. Other times, when I start to feel guilty or to worry, I put the thoughts out of my head, try to justify our behavior, or come up with some reason as to how she wouldn't/couldn't be exposed.

 

Hi TooInvolved. Here are my suggestions:

 

(1) Take that new position, and do it to the best of your ability.

 

(2) Treat your new boss like gold!

 

(3) Remain friendly with Mr. Wonderful but whatever you do, DON'T SLEEP WITH HIM!! <--quickest way to sabotage your career, at least at the current company. You'll never be able to live it down!

 

(4) Conversely, one of the BEST things you can do for your career is take an office crush and turn it into a friend and ally. It is not easy, but it can be done. You have to wait for your feelings to fade (just let them wash right thru you, like sh*t thru a goose). They will in time, if you don't feed them. Added Bonus: Down the road, he will respect you more - WAY more - than if you had slept with him. Just handle the situation with dignity and class, and treat HIM with dignity and class at the office, no matter what. Back off the flirting too. Stay your friendly self, but don't let the conversation steer way off course.

 

(5) Talk to your H and tell him you are tired of living without sex. Depending on your relationship with him (are you two good friends??) it might even be worth considering telling him about your attraction to this guy at work. The lack of sex is a serious problem and is threatening the M. If he cares at all, he should want to work on the problem with you.

 

----

 

Good luck!

Thank you. Seems like sound advice.

[2sure]

MM is a-ok with you having Herpes because he already has it. It certainly isnt because he is so enamoured of you that he will risk his own health.

Please take note that although he already has it...he wasnt going to mention it to you.

Regarding his wife, she most likely picked it up from him while he was banging a previous... someone special.

[PhoenixRise]

MM is a-ok with you having Herpes because he already has it. It certainly isnt because he is so enamoured of you that he will risk his own health.

Please take note that although he already has it...he wasnt going to mention it to you.

Regarding his wife, she most likely picked it up from him while he was banging a previous... someone special.

 

 

I read this whole thread more than a little horrified that this MM would knowingly have sex with the OP knowing that she has herpes which he could easily spread to his wife.

 

It never occurred to me that MM could already have herpes but he wasn't going to tell the OP.

 

OP have you considered this possibility?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

TooInvolved2,

 

Sorry if I missed it, did the flirting begin at the same time you expressed interest in the new position?

[nofool4u]

Background: I've been married near 14 years. No sex. EVER. Husband "cant." But he wont even try or discuss. Tried docs/meds a few yrs ago with no success.

 

First you say he won't try or discuss, then you show proof that he did seek medical treatment and it just didn't work.

 

So he DID try.

 

 

Broke up for 4 yrs but reconciled, which was DUMB on my part. He never talks about it or tries to get help on his own.

 

Have you ever put yourself in his shoes? Of course not. You already admitted he tried and even doctors couldn't help him. So what do you expect him to do? Go to a medium to see if there is a demon that can be extracted from him?

 

Of course he doesn't want to talk about it. You know how humiliating it must be for him? Do you care?

 

 

 

Now Im angry.

 

Why? Because your husband has a medical problem through no fault of his own?

 

Don't be angry, just set your H free from you. I understand if you may be frustrated by the whole no sex thing, but you have no right to be angry at him for something that isn't his fault. Or do you think he wants something to be wrong with him and deny himself one of the great pleasures of life?

 

Enter my MM. We've been flirting for maybe 6 weeks or so. No sex yet though. We have to "figure that out," i.e., where, when, etc. He's been calling me "darling" and such recently and saying things that make me think he actually cares and wants more than just sex from me (I'm naive, I guess). E.g., I told him I had an STD and he said he still wants to be with me, but we'll just have to modify our "activities" to be safer. He doesn't seem like the mind-game type. But hey he is having an EA after all...

 

How should I interpret MM's comments/behavior? TIA

 

Interpret them how you want. You'll find out later if he just wanted to get a piece of rump or not.

 

But I just am trying to wrap my head around this. You have an STD, husband has a problem that he HAS seen a doctor for according to you, he "can't", whatever that means, I'm quite sure he doesn't want it to be this way, and this is not his fault. But YOU are "angry" and he is somehow the a*****le here?.

 

I'm bewildered. I can't imagine a wife of mine having a problem medically, or for some reason through no fault of hers, not being able to have sex, and although I may be disappointed that I can't have sex with her, the last thing I'd be is angry with her. Geez, have some compassion.

 

As far as what your MM is thinking, who cares. Take responsibility for your choices and deal with whatever comes at you.

 

Oh, and set your H free. He doesn't deserve this.

[nofool4u]

You are heading for a nightmare. Number one, get a divorce, why are you still there? Get out of your marriage, you said it was a mistake. Number two, do not pursue or engage the MM any further. Enough is enough.

 

Read all the stories of heartbreak here. That is where you are headed.

 

Oh yes, and completely didn't even mention the MM's wife.

 

OP has an STD and she, along with this MM, is thinking about risking giving it to his wife? I don't care how safe anyone thinks they can be, OP and MM will be putting his wife at risk.