TooInvolved2 Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 Hello! I'm a married woman who's having an EA with a MM and I've never done it before. So I need help on understanding what certain things (comments/actions) mean in this context. Sorry if this gets long: My MM and I met at work. He was away on business for a few days and just returned today. He called on his drive home and after a nice, long chat said, "Have a good weekend. See you Monday." We generally don't see each other on weekends, but I was disappointed that after a few days of not seeing each other that he couldn't try harder to maybe see me this weekend. He said he'd text me of course or maybe call, but no face-to-face until Monday. He asked if that were OK and I was honest and said No...I didn't belabor the point and said fine we'll talk more on Monday. Unfortunately, I'm starting to really like this man. We haven't even had sex yet, so it's not just that. But should I assume from his "no weekend" contact that I'll never become a serious relationship for him? I guess a mistress shouldn't expect to become a serious relationship, but I s'pose I was hoping. Background: I've been married near 14 years. No sex. EVER. Husband "cant." But he wont even try or discuss. Tried docs/meds a few yrs ago with no success. Broke up for 4 yrs but reconciled, which was DUMB on my part. He never talks about it or tries to get help on his own. Now Im angry. Enter my MM. We've been flirting for maybe 6 weeks or so. No sex yet though. We have to "figure that out," i.e., where, when, etc. He's been calling me "darling" and such recently and saying things that make me think he actually cares and wants more than just sex from me (I'm naive, I guess). E.g., I told him I had an STD and he said he still wants to be with me, but we'll just have to modify our "activities" to be safer. He doesn't seem like the mind-game type. But hey he is having an EA after all... How should I interpret MM's comments/behavior? TIA
sad puppy Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 You are heading for a nightmare. Number one, get a divorce, why are you still there? Get out of your marriage, you said it was a mistake. Number two, do not pursue or engage the MM any further. Enough is enough. Read all the stories of heartbreak here. That is where you are headed. 3
Author TooInvolved2 Posted June 16, 2012 Author Posted June 16, 2012 Unfortunately, I'm already emotionally involved. He knows it. And he seems to reciprocate. As for the std, yes, it's herpes. I don't like the idea of transmitting it to anyone, which is why I told him about it so he could decide what to do. I was surprised he didn't end things right then... Why would he continue pursuing something with me (knowing I have an STD) if he didn't have feelings for me?
Alice2012 Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 How should I interpret MM's comments/behavior? TIA He's putting you in your place. He's laying the groundwork to keep your expectations low for when you do finally have sex. 3
Alice2012 Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 Why would he continue pursuing something with me (knowing I have an STD) if he didn't have feelings for me? To be blunt . . . because you're a sure thing. 5
Author TooInvolved2 Posted June 16, 2012 Author Posted June 16, 2012 You are heading for a nightmare. Number one, get a divorce, why are you still there? Get out of your marriage, you said it was a mistake. Number two, do not pursue or engage the MM any further. Enough is enough. Read all the stories of heartbreak here. That is where you are headed. I've started reading some things here. But I'm sorry, could you elaborate? As for why I'm not divorced: I can't afford to live alone. Neither can my husband. I don't want to devastate him. I'm just so unhappy and fed up with our sexless marriage.
Author TooInvolved2 Posted June 16, 2012 Author Posted June 16, 2012 To be blunt . . . because you're a sure thing.REALLY? That's a big chance to take just to get laid... Anyway, I'm not even a sure thing, since we haven't had sex yet.
Author TooInvolved2 Posted June 16, 2012 Author Posted June 16, 2012 He's putting you in your place. He's laying the groundwork to keep your expectations low for when you do finally have sex. To keep my expectations low? What do you mean?
Alice2012 Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 (edited) REALLY? That's a big chance to take just to get laid... Anyway, I'm not even a sure thing, since we haven't had sex yet. Please don't fool yourself into believing you're the only woman stroking this guy's ego. He may never want to have sex with you. But he knows it's there for the taking if he wants it. To a guy like him though - you're still worth keeping around even if there's no sex. Edited June 16, 2012 by Alice2012 1
Furious Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 (edited) Unfortunately, I'm already emotionally involved. He knows it. And he seems to reciprocate. As for the std, yes, it's herpes. I don't like the idea of transmitting it to anyone, which is why I told him about it so he could decide what to do. I was surprised he didn't end things right then... Why would he continue pursuing something with me (knowing I have an STD) if he didn't have feelings for me? Ok...this is despicable...how dare you possibly infect his innocent wife. How desperate can you be to take that chance with someone's Heath. Edited June 16, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 3
Author TooInvolved2 Posted June 16, 2012 Author Posted June 16, 2012 Since you are already emotionally involved and he knows it..........he has you at his advantage, just as he wants. Seems to reciprocate? Really? A man who can't/won't speak to you on the weekends because he is playing the good family man. Seems to me that he is already clearly telling you what your place will be and it won't be primary and please don't fool yourself as so many other ow have before you by thinking there is something seriously wrong with his marriage. Women and men are different.......for instance, yes you've got serious marriage problems but don't assume he does. Hell, he is already making it clear he just wants sex on the side since he is willing to risk herpes and btw how do you feel about him risking it and if he catches it and gives it to his wife? Doesn't that bother you in that she wouldn't be making an informed choice about it? Also if you think that him risking it proves he cares for you, you are very mistaken. I don't mean to hurt your feelings but he has you figured out to a tee. He knows you are in a bad marriage and getting no sex, cause you told him right? Vulnerable. He knows you have this std, so he thinks that works in his favor too. Vulnerable. Girl..........he has picked you because he knows he can bs and snow his way in and he won't have to work at it much. Vulnerable. It's not a slam against you, you are vulnerable and he smells it and he is going to use that very thing against you. Get pissed........don't let him use you like that. He is NOT respecting you, he intends on using you. Fix your own stuff before you make it worse with him.I can't disagree. Except on the bolded. I haven't told him anything about my marriage or its problems yet. So...how would I get out of this all in the least messy way? We work together. And, yes, he's more powerful than me there. He's not my boss though. Jobs aren't easy to come by nowadays, so just finding a new one is easier said than done. And to complicate things more, he put in a good word for me for a better position. I interviewed, etc., etc., and I just got a job offer. I guess I'm indebted to him now. If I break things off will he try sabotage the new position or try to get me fired altogether?
Alice2012 Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 I can't disagree. Except on the bolded. I haven't told him anything about my marriage or its problems yet. Trust me, he knows already.
Trimmer Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 We have to "figure that out," i.e., where, when, etc. Regarding the "sure thing"... Just because you haven't already had sex doesn't matter. If you're "figuring that out, i.e. where, when, etc.", that's what makes you a sure thing. E.g., I told him I had an STD and he said he still wants to be with me, but we'll just have to modify our "activities" to be safer. Nice that he can give his informed consent and choose whether and how to participate in sex that might be risky to his health. Too bad that his wife will not have that same consideration. He doesn't seem like the mind-game type. But hey he is having an EA after all... Yeah, but I'm sure he only plays mind games on his wife. Never on you. How should I interpret MM's comments/behavior? The primary inference you can draw is that it all means that he's married. 2
sad puppy Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 I've started reading some things here. But I'm sorry, could you elaborate? As for why I'm not divorced: I can't afford to live alone. Neither can my husband. I don't want to devastate him. I'm just so unhappy and fed up with our sexless marriage. Elaborate? You're planning on starting up a physical affair with a guy you work with - nightmare! This is gonna be a mess, you will end up heartbroken, your job will become problematic, ... Just go find someone else to have sex with, don't do it with this married work mate!! We are warning you here. 2
The_Middleman Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 Tell me something, why would you want to distory a marriage and a family? What drives a person to do that? 3
Alice2012 Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 No he doesn't. You can't be serious. You actually think this man doesn't anticipate the "I love my husband, but I'm not in love with him" speech that's going to come out of your mouth at some point? 2
Alice2012 Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 (edited) And to complicate things more, he put in a good word for me for a better position. I interviewed, etc., etc., and I just got a job offer. I guess I'm indebted to him now. If I break things off will he try sabotage the new position or try to get me fired altogether? You say you've been "flirting" for six weeks and you think this guy is going to sabotage your new position if you stop feeding his ego? Complicate what? Try to get you fired over a six week flirtation? Edited June 16, 2012 by Alice2012
Author TooInvolved2 Posted June 16, 2012 Author Posted June 16, 2012 Tell me something, why would you want to distory a marriage and a family? What drives a person to do that? Anger. Being so fed up. Even gullibility maybe: He said his wife has "issues" and he shouldve left a long time ago. I know, I know, a likely story. Same line many cheaters use. Ive no real excuses. Ive just stopped caring much. 1
Alice2012 Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 This thread is wonky. I'm not buying it. Oh, I believe it. She's getting waaaaay ahead of herself, which is not uncommon with this sort of "relationship." She expected this guy to take time away from his wife and family to come spend time with her after he just go home from a business trip:eek:
Author TooInvolved2 Posted June 16, 2012 Author Posted June 16, 2012 You can't be serious. You actually think this man doesn't anticipate the "I love my husband, but I'm not in love with him" speech that's going to come out of your mouth at some point? No, Im not making any such speech...
Author TooInvolved2 Posted June 16, 2012 Author Posted June 16, 2012 This thread is wonky. I'm not buying it. Hmmm...Ive been told similar things before (when Ive posted on various forums about myself). I guess I just get myself into crazy situations. But I assure its all true.
Author TooInvolved2 Posted June 16, 2012 Author Posted June 16, 2012 You say you've been "flirting" for six weeks and you think this guy is going to sabotage your new position if you stop feeding his ego? Complicate what? Try to get you fired over a six week flirtation?Nothing very positive has been said about him here. But youre putting a little vindictiveness past him?
Alice2012 Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 Nothing very positive has been said about him here. But youre putting a little vindictiveness past him? I don't think this man would be heartbroken if you "break it off with him," let alone vindictive.
2sunny Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 Hmmm...Ive been told similar things before (when Ive posted on various forums about myself). I guess I just get myself into crazy situations. But I assure its all true. A man can smell desperation 50 miles away! Your reaction to not seeing him this weekend looks needy and pathetic and he knows that. He's training you to expect nothing from him. He's bumping you back so you can't call any shots. Quit the job. End the marriage (if that's what you call your R with your H). 2
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