powfiend Posted October 4, 2011 Posted October 4, 2011 So, my wife and I have known each other since we were kids. Through college we 'hooked up' occasionally and always had great rapport. Prior to planning a marriage, my wife became pregnant. She, out of fear and uncertainty, moved out of our apartment five months before delivering our child. I followed her across country, proposed and she put the marriage off once before finally marrying. Fast forward eight years... on a bike ride with two of our friends, (I was not present) she gave our phone number to a fellow rider. A few days later he called, I was furious. I shared with her my feelings and dismay. A week later, at an organized ride, we ran into this gentleman and it was obvious to both of us his intentions. Fast forward another year, we are having a holiday dinner with a bunch of friends who are more well known to my spouse than me. My wife proceeded to flirt with full body language right in front of me. Again, I shared my feelings with her and she denied the intent and act and proceeded to call me paranoid and jealous. Fast forward another year, now I am paranoid and begin to check cell records as her social group had changed, her initmacy with had decreased and she was working out and training for running races in a coed group. After a race, I checked our mobile records and tracked a number down to one gentleman whom she had a 25-30 minute conversation with post race. From then on I was suspicious of her training and training partners as often it would be a call full of couples traveling who were not spouses. After much fighting over my jealousy and our lack of intimacy, we finally arrived a good place the last few months. My wife is truly stunning, so my friends and other men cannot help to look away. I get home from a weekend away and I find she friended one of my buddies on FB and sent him a private email mentioned what a great name he had and asking if my buddy would be available for a high cost vacation as surprise for me. Based on my history and suspicion, am I being nuts or right to be continually suspicious?
imagine Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Check out marriagebuilders and examine boundaries in marriage. You need to also examine the Policy of Joint Agreement in the same forum. Always be suspicious if you want to save your marriage.
KathyM Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 You have good reason to be suspicious. Your wife was ambivalent about marrying you to begin with, and now it looks like she's thinking about her options. I would suggest a conversation along the lines of: "I get the feeling there is something wrong in our relationship and you are seeking out the attention from other men. If I am not fulfilling your needs and you are interested in other men, then I want to know about it. We need to talk about this." Hopefully, that will start the dialogue that needs to be discussed. If she assures you that she is not interested in other men, then you need to let her know that you feel she is behaving in a way that is damaging to the trust you have for her, and then establish the necessary boundaries to protect your marriage (no flirting with other men, no private conversations with other men on fb or online, etc.) Also, I would suggest you start going with her to those running sessions and enjoy sharing that hobby together. And, of course, your pictures and postings should be very prolific on her fb page, and you should check out her fb page regularly.
Bryanp Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would be as accepting as you have been? She keeps getting caught by you. I wonder how many times she has done these things without you knowing. She continues to disrespect your relationship and marriage because there are no consequences to her actions. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. She constantly flirts with other men and there is a lack of intimacy in your marriage. What is wrong with this picture.
Author powfiend Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 Thanks. At times I begin to question what is right and what is not right in respect to relationships. It gets really confusing. I have begun to push things. We've had a few heated arguments where I have basically stated that if nothing changes then I am drawing the line. Thus far it seems to be working, but in the back of my head I know something is not right. When we fight, she gets really aggressive, saying I hate you, you are such an ass, I am controlling and manipulative etc.. We've had lower levels of escalation in the past, intimacy returns for a bit and then wanes until I push it again. Only in the most recent instance does she initiate sex, seldom is there a kiss or hug to the point where her parents and mine have made comments over the years. I believed the, "thats not how I'm wired" rebuttal for years and went into acceptance mode. I forgot to mention a few other instances. I have caught her repeatedly making eye contact with men and she says I am nuts or that everyone checks out everyone so its no big deal. Also, two years ago she came to my office and told me she loves me, but is not in love with me anymore. She expanded further by telling me she is only attracted to me when I am performing a sport I excel in because at that time, I appear confident and other times I do not. Since then, there has been no mention of it. I went to counseling for a bit, she refused etc...
nofool4u Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Based on my history and suspicion, am I being nuts or right to be continually suspicious? no, you are not nuts. based on your story, you have a disrespectful wife that will cheat given the perfect chance, if she hasn't already.
Author powfiend Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 Funny you say that. When I ask her if she cheated she says, "I wouldn't break up our family." It would be reassuring to hear, no I love you.
nofool4u Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Funny you say that. When I ask her if she cheated she says, "I wouldn't break up our family." It would be reassuring to hear, no I love you. well of course, the cheater usually won't break up the family. they'll cheat, force the betrayed spouse to file for divorce and say, "I didn't break up the family" uh, ya, they did. it isn't the one that files for divorce that breaks up the family. its the one that cheated forcing the betrayed spouse to then do whats in their best interests. 2
Bryanp Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who is so cold to you like this?
MR.ASIAN Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 From what I've read it seems that she isnt physically attracted to you anymore. Are you unfit or something?
seibert253 Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 If your W isn't cheating on you now, she will be shortly. She has serious boundries and respect issues. Are you two in MC? If not, I suggest you do. In a counseling environment, these issues can be addressed and ironed out, but only if she's committed to doing so. If she doesn't want to, or refused to change, well IMO you should really re-evaluate staying M'd to her.
Author powfiend Posted October 7, 2011 Author Posted October 7, 2011 No, I'm fit from swimming, running, riding, yoga, backcountry skiing etc... just not training for IronMan's. We are not in counseling.
Author powfiend Posted June 15, 2012 Author Posted June 15, 2012 So, my wife and I have known each other since we were kids. Through college we 'hooked up' occasionally and always had great rapport. Prior to planning a marriage, my wife became pregnant. She, out of fear and uncertainty, moved out of our apartment five months before delivering our child. I followed her across country, proposed and she put the marriage off once before finally marrying. Fast forward eight years... on a bike ride with two of our friends, (I was not present) she gave our phone number to a fellow rider. A few days later he called, I was furious. I shared with her my feelings and dismay. A week later, at an organized ride, we ran into this gentleman and it was obvious to both of us his intentions. Fast forward another year, we are having a holiday dinner with a bunch of friends who are more well known to my spouse than me. My wife proceeded to flirt with full body language right in front of me. Again, I shared my feelings with her and she denied the intent and act and proceeded to call me paranoid and jealous. Fast forward another year, now I am paranoid and begin to check cell records as her social group had changed, her initmacy with had decreased and she was working out and training for running races in a coed group. After a race, I checked our mobile records and tracked a number down to one gentleman whom she had a 25-30 minute conversation with post race. From then on I was suspicious of her training and training partners as often it would be a call full of couples traveling who were not spouses. After much fighting over my jealousy and our lack of intimacy, we finally arrived a good place the last few months. My wife is truly stunning, so my friends and other men cannot help to look away. I get home from a weekend away and I find she friended one of my buddies on FB and sent him a private email mentioned what a great name he had and asking if my buddy would be available for a high cost vacation as surprise for me. Based on my history and suspicion, am I being nuts or right to be continually suspicious? So here I am. A few other things I forgot to mention. That same guy she flirted with is a buddy and he and his wife invite us to their christmas party. Interestingly, he chose to seat her on his right side and place me in the middle of the table of twenty. My wife, knowing my feelings, did not try to move positions and sat there all night fully aware of my past comments. To top it off, she is friends with this guys wife and goes to his house three times a week for cross fit in their garage. I also received the I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore spiel about two years ago. Her two closest friends are admitted adulterers, both of which she runs with frequently and often comes home telling me they didn't run, they walked. Always in the morning. I initiate all intimacy, period unless she is guilted into it. She used to come home and shower immediately, not so much anymore. Now she goes sans panties in her pants often, total change. Around the time I posted the intiial post, i had her laptop on a business meeting and checked email. TUrns out, one of her running buddies, who creeped her out initially is now funny and sent her and her two running buddies an email with photos of the baywatch girls. When confronted with all this, she says I am jealous, schizo or bi polar and I have a problem and I am using this as an excuse to end our marriage etc... My gut says there is something way wrong, but I have no proof. She has changed all her passwords after I had her laptop, as she found out I had it. I started checking phone records again, but nothing is conclusive, although there are no numbers associated with data usage for some records, it just says phone in att records. Thus far I have not tailed her or done anything creepy and wish to refrain from doing so. What to do?
nofool4u Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 So here I am. A few other things I forgot to mention. That same guy she flirted with is a buddy and he and his wife invite us to their christmas party. Interestingly, he chose to seat her on his right side and place me in the middle of the table of twenty. My wife, knowing my feelings, did not try to move positions and sat there all night fully aware of my past comments. To top it off, she is friends with this guys wife and goes to his house three times a week for cross fit in their garage. I also received the I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore spiel about two years ago. And now? If she isn't in love with you anymore, why are you two still together? Her two closest friends are admitted adulterers, both of which she runs with frequently and often comes home telling me they didn't run, they walked. Always in the morning. Then you tell her if she goes out with those friends again to not bother coming home, and you go get a good lawyer. Or if she goes out and comes home at the wee hours of the morning. When confronted with all this, she says I am jealous, schizo or bi polar and I have a problem and I am using this as an excuse to end our marriage etc... Oh bullsh*t. Boy, you have one piece of sh*t wife on your hands. She, a confirmed cheater, is going to say you are jealous? Excuse me? And she obviously isn't educated enough to know the meaning of "schizo". You don't need any other excuse to end the marriage other than her skanky cheating ways. My gut says there is something way wrong, but I have no proof. You don't need it. Her lack of remorse and defensiveness after her cheating is all you need to tell her you'd like her to get out. She has changed all her passwords after I had her laptop, as she found out I had it. I started checking phone records again, but nothing is conclusive, although there are no numbers associated with data usage for some records, it just says phone in att records. If she doesn't have anything to hide, she wouldn't need to change her passwords. After a spouse has cheated, if they want to keep the marriage, then they need to be an open book. You should have access to EVERYTHING. She doesn't want you to have that. So I think its time for you to quietly consult an attorney and start the process of getting her served with divorce papers. Your so-called wife is an unapologetic, unremorseful, defensive cheater. And I'd be everything she is still cheating, especially if she is running with the other whores. And at the very least if she hasn't had the opportunity, she is chomping at the bit to spread her thighs for another man. So I think its time for you to get rid of this cancer. Thus far I have not tailed her or done anything creepy and wish to refrain from doing so. What to do?
KathyM Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 You don't technically have proof that she has cheated--just a lot of strong suspicion. She is obviously not maintaining any boundaries at all to protect your relationship, and it sounds like she's not emotionally invested in your marriage anymore. I think, at this point, you need the proof. If you can afford it, I would suggest hiring a private investigator. You need proof at this point. I'm sure you must be going crazy with suspicion when there are all these red flags. If it turns out there is no evidence of cheating, then insist on going to marriage counseling and start working on your marriage. She is not emotionally invested in the marriage, and that needs to change.
Author powfiend Posted June 15, 2012 Author Posted June 15, 2012 And now? If she isn't in love with you anymore, why are you two still together? -Kids Then you tell her if she goes out with those friends again to not bother coming home, and you go get a good lawyer. Or if she goes out and comes home at the wee hours of the morning. You don't need any other excuse to end the marriage other than her skanky cheating ways. - No proof of cheating, just suspicions
nofool4u Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 You don't technically have proof that she has cheated--just a lot of strong suspicion. She is obviously not maintaining any boundaries at all to protect your relationship, and it sounds like she's not emotionally invested in your marriage anymore. I think, at this point, you need the proof. If you can afford it, I would suggest hiring a private investigator. You need proof at this point. I'm sure you must be going crazy with suspicion when there are all these red flags. If it turns out there is no evidence of cheating, then insist on going to marriage counseling and start working on your marriage. She is not emotionally invested in the marriage, and that needs to change. Proof of cheating or not, her going out with her cheating huss friends, and coming home at unacceptably late hours is enough to justify getting rid of her.
Author powfiend Posted June 15, 2012 Author Posted June 15, 2012 (edited) A few other things I forgot to mention. That same guy she flirted with is a buddy and he and his wife invite us to their christmas party. Interestingly, he chose to seat her on his right side and place me in the middle of the table of twenty. My wife, knowing my feelings, did not try to move positions and sat there all night fully aware of my past comments. To top it off, she is friends with this guys wife and goes to his house three times a week for cross fit in their garage. I also received the I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore spiel about two years ago. Her two closest friends are admitted adulterers, both of which she runs with frequently and often comes home telling me they didn't run, they walked. Always in the morning. I initiate all intimacy, period unless she is guilted into it. She used to come home and shower immediately, not so much anymore. Now she goes sans panties in her pants often, total change. Around the time I posted the intiial post, i had her laptop on a business meeting and checked email. TUrns out, one of her running buddies, who creeped her out initially is now funny and sent her and her two running buddies an email with photos of the baywatch girls. When confronted with all this, she says I am jealous, schizo or bi polar and I have a problem and I am using this as an excuse to end our marriage etc... My gut says there is something way wrong, but I have no proof. She has changed all her passwords after I had her laptop, as she found out I had it. I started checking phone records again, but nothing is conclusive, although there are no numbers associated with data usage for some records, it just says phone in att records. Thus far I have not tailed her or done anything creepy and wish to refrain from doing so. What to do? Edited June 18, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Edit from thread merge
BetrayedH Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 (edited) A few other things I forgot to mention. That same guy she flirted with is a buddy and he and his wife invite us to their christmas party. Interestingly, he chose to seat her on his right side and place me in the middle of the table of twenty. My wife, knowing my feelings, did not try to move positions and sat there all night fully aware of my past comments. To top it off, she is friends with this guys wife and goes to his house three times a week for cross fit in their garage. I also received the I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore spiel about two years ago. Her two closest friends are admitted adulterers, both of which she runs with frequently and often comes home telling me they didn't run, they walked. Always in the morning. I initiate all intimacy, period unless she is guilted into it. She used to come home and shower immediately, not so much anymore. Now she goes sans panties in her pants often, total change. Around the time I posted the intiial post, i had her laptop on a business meeting and checked email. TUrns out, one of her running buddies, who creeped her out initially is now funny and sent her and her two running buddies an email with photos of the baywatch girls. When confronted with all this, she says I am jealous, schizo or bi polar and I have a problem and I am using this as an excuse to end our marriage etc... My gut says there is something way wrong, but I have no proof. She has changed all her passwords after I had her laptop, as she found out I had it. I started checking phone records again, but nothing is conclusive, although there are no numbers associated with data usage for some records, it just says phone in att records. Thus far I have not tailed her or done anything creepy and wish to refrain from doing so. What to do? Trust your gut, my friend. I had a similar lack of evidence and eventually put a GPS tracker in my wife's car. First download...well, you get the idea. I felt terribly conflicted doing it until I discovered 17 hotel stays over a 6 month period. You need to know. If it turns out she is being truthful, schedule marriage counseling and fess up. Edited June 18, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Edited quote
Radu Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 You don't technically have proof that she has cheated--just a lot of strong suspicion. She is obviously not maintaining any boundaries at all to protect your relationship, and it sounds like she's not emotionally invested in your marriage anymore. I think, at this point, you need the proof. If you can afford it, I would suggest hiring a private investigator. You need proof at this point. I'm sure you must be going crazy with suspicion when there are all these red flags. If it turns out there is no evidence of cheating, then insist on going to marriage counseling and start working on your marriage. She is not emotionally invested in the marriage, and that needs to change. - i love you but i'm not in love with you - picking arguments over minor things - secrecy, change in how she dresses [no panties] - lack of boundaries since she said 'i love you but ...' - lack of regard for the spouse Proof of her infidelity ... no, he doesn't have it. Proof that something is horribly wrong, tons of it. OP, it depends on what your desired outcome out of all of this is : 1- she comes back to the marriage 2- you guys divorce 3- open or cuckolding relationship 1+2 If your desired outcome is one of the first 2, then you need to : - consult a lawyer pronto - consult an accountant - hire a PI to follow her around if need be - remove pressure from her and act like all is OK around her, to give her enough rope to hang herself with. Document such proof and think about installing a keylogger on her laptop/ VAR in her car / keylogger on her smartphone - make sure she doesn't find this thread ... it has happened in the past - she might already have a backup phone, you jumped the gun with some of this stuff and she had enough time to go underground - see what your assets are in terms of her family, and your family. If you are lucky, it is an affair. If it is GIGS about the lifestyle of being single, you are most likely **** out of luck because you do not have concrete solid proof that would make her look bad socially and would force her into reconciliation. - look up the 180 and implement it if need be. All of the above will have the outcome of preparing you mentally for either getting a Divorce and not suffering, or for pushing for reconciliation. If she has an affair, you have proof, and public knowledge of this affair would hurt her badly, then you have a good shot at reconciliation. 3 For this one, communication is key and transparency likewise, don't go for it unless it's a desperate last effort for staying together. ------------ You need to be smart about this OP. Up to now you have been quite a doormat. Women generally need to respect a guy to love him, and it's quite obvious she has no respect for you. Respect is not given, it is earned, you need to earn it back. Remember when she came to your office and told you that she 'loves you but she is not in love with you' ?; you should have acted right then and there. Guilt-tripping her back into the marriage won't bring her back. You need to act strong and act now, because quite frankly, after this indiference the next step is hatred for you, for holding her down through marriage and that's when things will turn ugly. Read up also the book Women's Infidelity by Michele ... something. PS: Those 2 friends of hers who are adulterers, they are the ones who are encouraging her.
Miss Olivia Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 Wow. Red flags everywhere. Hot wife who likes to flirt and hang around adultrous friends. Lack of intimacy. Isn't "in love" with you. If something isn't already happening, it will. It's not a matter of if, it's when. Better hope she'll do a 180 for you if she wants to stay married to you.
standtall Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 I'm with the OP's here. This is red alert time. You got her to fall for you once, so become that guy again. Not pyscho jealous or anything, but whatever it was that got her attention. Women do not love men they do not respect, so put down the xbox, lay off the porn, take up running or some other physical activity and guard your family with confidence and control, not weakness and jealousy.
GLDheart Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 First: OUCH. I am sorry for your pain in this awful ordeal. She is being very selfish and disrespectful to you. NOONE deserves this. It is up to you to know if you will tolerate it "for the sake of your marriage". I suspect that you posting in here means that YOU DO NOT WANT TO. To that, I ask: What are you going to do about it?
Author powfiend Posted June 18, 2012 Author Posted June 18, 2012 First: OUCH. I am sorry for your pain in this awful ordeal. She is being very selfish and disrespectful to you. NOONE deserves this. It is up to you to know if you will tolerate it "for the sake of your marriage". I suspect that you posting in here means that YOU DO NOT WANT TO. To that, I ask: What are you going to do about it? Individual counseling and keep an eye on all records available to me.
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