forbidden fruit Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 I felt like I need to post here, even though it has been along time since I have been here. My xmm and I have not spoken in years. He has always tried to say hi or intiate some sort of contact. I have completely ignored him for the last 3yrs. Fast forward to present day and a lot of soul searching, and therapy. I am at a good place, happy, and peaceful, after the xmm period of hell!! So I have let go all of my feelings toward xmm including hatred and love. Now when I see him I can remain neutral with no emotion. I am back to the self I was before I met him, but a lot wiser. Here comes the weird part. I have spent a lot of time lately with his family and mine. He acts like he just met me for the first time and I do the same. He is giving me the vibe that he is now committed to his family and will never do what he did in the past. However, I am starting to feel like he is up to something. I cannot put finger on it and I could be wrong, but something is making uneasy. If anyone knows my backstory they will understand. What should I be looking out for and is it possible for us after all this time to start over and be civil? Is it possible to believe someone can change this much? When I see him now it is so strange, but he seems unfazed like he barely knows me.
TaraMaiden Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 Listen to your gut instinct. I hate to say it, but it's rarely wrong, and if you have a weird feeling, chances are, it's there for a reason.... Back off and put some distance between you and his entourage. you know it makes sense.....
MissBee Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 I don't know your back story, but I'll say that if he makes you feel uneasy and you feel like he is up to something and he's only feigning commitment....then he probably is! Your intuition is probably correct. Unfortunately most APs cannot go on to remain civil friends. That's just the nature of the beast. If you haven't been friends in 3 years, why start now? You guys made a grave mistake and I think it's best to keep on as things are now. No need to be friendly or friends. Being cordial and civil IF you must see him is fine, anything more isn't necessary. If you have no interest in him again, then whatever he is up to shouldn't matter to you, since YOUR decision is already made. Don't try to dissect him and please don't get entangled again. You've come a ways in 3 years, "friendship", is not worth that hell you described. Trust me. Leave this sketchy man up to his own devises. He may think that you are ready and willing if he says the word...don't prove him right. No matter what he thinks and is planning, it shouldn't faze you.
Alice2012 Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 (edited) However, I am starting to feel like he is up to something. I cannot put finger on it and I could be wrong, but something is making uneasy. When I see him now it is so strange, but he seems unfazed like he barely knows me. Perhaps that "uneasy" feeling is your ego getting bruised. Is it possible the man has finally reached indifference with you and doesn't want to take any chance risking his marriage? Edited June 15, 2012 by Alice2012
whichwayisup Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 I felt like I need to post here, even though it has been along time since I have been here. My xmm and I have not spoken in years. He has always tried to say hi or intiate some sort of contact. I have completely ignored him for the last 3yrs. Fast forward to present day and a lot of soul searching, and therapy. I am at a good place, happy, and peaceful, after the xmm period of hell!! So I have let go all of my feelings toward xmm including hatred and love. Now when I see him I can remain neutral with no emotion. I am back to the self I was before I met him, but a lot wiser. Here comes the weird part. I have spent a lot of time lately with his family and mine. He acts like he just met me for the first time and I do the same. He is giving me the vibe that he is now committed to his family and will never do what he did in the past. However, I am starting to feel like he is up to something. I cannot put finger on it and I could be wrong, but something is making uneasy. If anyone knows my backstory they will understand. What should I be looking out for and is it possible for us after all this time to start over and be civil? Is it possible to believe someone can change this much? When I see him now it is so strange, but he seems unfazed like he barely knows me. Hi FF. Why are you spending time with him and his family? You moved off your street to get away from him and I thought the last time you posted you wanted your kids to distance themselves from his kids so in time they would just grow apart. Don't react to it at all, don't try to figure it out. He chose to focus on his wife and family. Don't think he is playing games with you. This is what got you going before, wondering too much the why's and how's of him and what he thinks. WHO CARES. Don't look for any friendship. Keep things as they are now. Hope everything else in your life is going good.
Stellar Wench Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 What is there to figure out? After 8 years of drama with you, he's over it and over you. It wouldn't be an issue for you if you were over him like you said. 2
Author forbidden fruit Posted June 16, 2012 Author Posted June 16, 2012 I still have feelings for him-there I said it. Is that what you all wanted to here!! I forgot except for a few how spiteful and truly awful most of you are. You all have some anger issues. It is possible to have feelngs for two people, it is possible to never get over someone, and it is possible to have a connection with someone like you do not have with someone else. I don't need to be judged I just need to be able to go somewhere and write how I am feeling. why is that so hard for some of you to understand. Yes I intitated NC and yes I did end it and yes we have not spoken in years. He has tried to intitiate contact to talk about things and I refused. I am not lying to you all and even if I was what would be the point?
Author forbidden fruit Posted June 16, 2012 Author Posted June 16, 2012 This is so stupid NC no we have not had contact maybe two years ago I ran into him and we had a basic conversation, but this is the first time we have been civil, in the same car, same house and allowed to talk to me and me not ignore him. What does it matter. I don't want to have feelings for him I don't like wanting to be around him. I thought I was over him.
Stellar Wench Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 Being angry with us doesn't change the fact that he's moved on with his life. When will you move on with yours?
Author forbidden fruit Posted June 16, 2012 Author Posted June 16, 2012 Are u guys kidding he is back into my life for a reason. do u think if I said meet me at a hotel he would not show up. He has not moved on and the only reason he is still in his unhappy marriage is for the money.
Alice2012 Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 (edited) Are u guys kidding he is back into my life for a reason. I'm confused - for what reason? I'm still wondering how and why you're spending time with him and his family? So this man contacted you out of the blue and arranged for all these "former neighbor" reunions? If he did reach out to you, why would you put yourself in this situation over and over again? I've read a few of your previous threads over the past several years, which are just beyond disturbing. Please stay away from this family once and for all. Based on this thread and the several years worth of previous threads, you come across as erratic and delusional and I hope you seek help immediately. I don't think the people on this board will be able to help you the way a professional can. Edited June 16, 2012 by Alice2012 1
Artie Lang Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 Based on this thread and the several years worth of previous threads, you come across as erratic and delusional and I hope you seek help immediately. I don't think the people on this board will be able to help you the way a professional can. totally. it's like you've said "same ol' song & dance." 5+ years of posts, yet you are still stuck in the same place. <<<SCRATCHING HEAD>>>
Stellar Wench Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 Have you ever been diagnosed with a personality disorder? 1
whichwayisup Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 This is so stupid NC no we have not had contact maybe two years ago I ran into him and we had a basic conversation, but this is the first time we have been civil, in the same car, same house and allowed to talk to me and me not ignore him. What does it matter. I don't want to have feelings for him I don't like wanting to be around him. I thought I was over him. If you don't want to feed the feelings then he cannot be in your life. Just stop seeing him. You may always feel a bit of something for him, but seeing him just feeds your feelings. Deep down you KNOW this isn't going to go anywhere with him, it's a dynamic/habit/ego feed that you two have going on and also the cat/mouse game. Just stop and focus on your husband, your kids, your own life. As I said before, you moved AWAY to get away from him so don't go looking for trouble by hanging out with him again. You have a lot to lose .. So does he if you two get caught. Is it worth it? Are u guys kidding he is back into my life for a reason. do u think if I said meet me at a hotel he would not show up. He has not moved on and the only reason he is still in his unhappy marriage is for the money. He isn't back in your life for a reason. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. He doesn't know what goes on in your house with your husband and I'm sure he has tons of assumptions like you do with his marriage..And my guess is, you both are wrong for assuming 'each of you know' about eachothers lives/marriages. He is not in your daily life and hasn't been for quite a while now. Why open that door again? Don't go there. 1
MissBee Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 Are u guys kidding he is back into my life for a reason. do u think if I said meet me at a hotel he would not show up. He has not moved on and the only reason he is still in his unhappy marriage is for the money. What reason is this? I'm confused. Your first posts says you're over him and can you be civil and you feel he is up to something, now you're saying he is back into your life for a reason and hotel meetings??? Huh? In any case. You can choose to restart your affair if you so desire by asking him to meet up with you at a hotel. But frankly, based on the history, it seems like a completely pointless venture that you've already tried for many many years and this time will most likely be no different. My advice would be to move on with your life and not venture back into this situation. Maybe the universe brought him back to test to see if you've learned ANYTHING at all or if you need a wake up call.
Author forbidden fruit Posted June 16, 2012 Author Posted June 16, 2012 Thank u Miss Bee and wwiu. You are right and have put it in perspective .
whichwayisup Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 Thank u Miss Bee and wwiu. You are right and have put it in perspective . Glad to help FF. Okay, what are you going to do now to be pro active so this A or EA won't start up again? What steps will you take to not cross boundries and stay away from him? From what I've read, it seems he isn't into you at all and this bugs you. So just realize that the ego feed isn't worth losing everything you have with your husband and kids, family life. Continue on like nothing happened and ignore him. Distance yourself (no more hanging out! Let your husband take the kids if he is there).
confusedinkansas Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 I still have feelings for him-there I said it. Is that what you all wanted to here!! I forgot except for a few how spiteful and truly awful most of you are. You all have some anger issues. It is possible to have feelngs for two people, it is possible to never get over someone, and it is possible to have a connection with someone like you do not have with someone else. I don't need to be judged I just need to be able to go somewhere and write how I am feeling. why is that so hard for some of you to understand. Yes I intitated NC and yes I did end it and yes we have not spoken in years. He has tried to intitiate contact to talk about things and I refused. I am not lying to you all and even if I was what would be the point? I could tell from the last paragraph in your first post you weren't over him. Without trying to sound mean (because I TOTALLY get where you are with this) You're trying to psych yourself out over him. You're telling yourself how well you're doing & how you're so over him - but on the other hand you want him to still pine away after you..........Not good sista! Is it possible to NEVER get over someone? ABSOLUTELY!!!!!!! (see all the exclamation points) Is it possible to have a connection with somoene like you do not have with someone else? ABSOLUTELY! Personally, if you were doing so well with NC why are you hanging out with him & his family too? - Not sure I saw if you answered that or not.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 FF, I'm shaking my head! After all you went through to get rid of him, why oh why would you want to have contact again? What could possibly be different this time around? Yes, it's possible to have a connection and to never get over someone, but this NEVER worked. Feeling and connections have nothing to do with whether this is a healthy or unhealthy situation. I get needing to vent but you can't blame people for wanting to warn you off of an expending train wreck. Maybe you should take some time and read through all of your old posts. I hope you are able to turn this around before you repeat past mistakes. Remind me, did you ever go to counseling?
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