I found out my boyfriend is in a 7year on and off engagement :(

[LylaMae]

I am 19 years, a lot of people consider me as a very attractive, young lady, I never believed this until I caught the attention of the man I fell in love with, I've had 2 boyfriends, and someone always wanted me,I put aside my makeup (my security) because he didn't approve off it, I started dressing differently and trying to change for him because of how much I wanted him, but this man I wanted from the very start, he told me he was 25 years old, such a sweetheart and a gorgeous babyface, always took me for dinner, long journeys, always out the way, everywhere and everything a young heart wants to see, I couldn't understand why I felt so deep for this man, the way he made me feel, and took care of me, I spent everyday with him, I loved the way he dressed, the way he smelt, at the time I recently left the care of the local authorities and was staying at his dads house while he was abroad, this was my perfect man, I was paying my 25year old boyfriend 50pound a week, plus additional costs, while he stayed at his 'moms as so he claimed' we were having regular sex, without and with condoms, I found myself becoming a lap dancer as every time we went out for dinner he wanted to pay, and whenever I'd make money, he take majority of it, I always had my doubts about him but being an older man I thought he would take care of me and treat me correctly and love me like I've always needed, I told him everything about me, but I knew little about him, {my mother lives in america and I don't know my father} in the time we were together (nearly a year) and he seemed to have understood the way I am, I love him so much it hurts me to the very depths of my soul, my tears for him are endless, however our arguments were terrible, he would call names and tell me we argued due to "my feelings for him were a lot stronger than his for me" but over all I love him, even if we did split about 4months ago, when he had told me he had been in an on and off family life for 7-8years with a woman he was engaged to, (which he claimed they both had a number of affairs) and he had another child with another woman previously, even though he tried his best to convince me he wasn't with her and they had broken up, I had a feeling inside that it wasn't genuine, I think the pain that I felt was so bad, at such a young age I never thought I'd feel anything so hurtful, I found out he was a DJ, he was 33years old and he had been still with his "woman" as he called her, even though he swore to me he hadn't, I know people may say It serves me right, or I'm a bad person, but I really can't help but still love this man, we had an argument about the last payment of 50pound rent whilst I was staying at his dad (which my ex DJ boyfriend kicked me out and made me live my with my sister because of an arguement we had about him being married -: which he also denied), and he became violent and manhandled me, he said sorry and I forgave him, I gave him everything he asked for, trainers, hats, clothes, presents for his children on their birthdays, I gave him grands out of the money I made in stripping, and now he has gone back to his "woman".

 

 

we don't talk anymore.

 

 

I gave him the power to ruin my life because I gave him my soul to take care and that he didn't.

I tell myself I'm over him and to let him live his life, but I am in so much pain, I find myself still dancing from time to time and crying over this man who I love so much with all my heart every single day that god sends to me even if it is only for a few moments, he's always on my mind everyday, and my heart is on fire, and my soul is destroyed, now I hate having men touching me (even friends) or even looking at me or telling me anything other women would find comforting, I gave this man everything I absolutely had, I gave him everything I could offer and he just doesn't care, how do I move on? Knowing that I'm in the longrun and the pain doesn't get better it hurts even more everyday he's not here, it hurts to know he is getting married (even though he told me he has no desire to) will this feeling ever go away? Has anybody ever felt like this? How can I move on? I don't want to think about him anymore, I've tried chilling out with friends or going to the library, even when I'm at college I think about him, but when I think about him I think about him and his family, and everything he promised me, how we would always be together and he would never leave me, and how beautiful he used to tell me I was, I feel so stupid for thinking I was his only and he only wanted me, I feel used and naïve and I don't think I ever want to be involved with anybody else again, this pain I feel is a great deal of pain and it doesn't seem to be going away, I just want to live my life and forget everything about him but it is so hard when the only person you had, relied on, trusted, confined in, loved, cherished, shared your whole dreams and plans with threw everything away in the space of a moment, I miss him so much and I love him still ( I don't tell my friends I always keep it tomyself) I've done as much as restricted myself from talking to him but my heart hasn't even come close to dealing with the all of the pain he's brought, sometimes I sit and think about him for hours on end and just feel so fragile, wondering what I've done to make him leave, because all I ever did was try and make him happy???? I don't see myself being happy with another man again, the thought of another man makes me physically sick, I currently moved into my first apartment and I am still decorating but sometimes I break down in tears because he had always promised a life together, my heart is so tierd that when I cry now I can physically, mentally and emtionally feel my heart, what do I do? I don't want to feel like this anymore, I am not ready to be in love but it had hit me so hard and made it harder for anybody else to come near me, I've had previous boyfriends and brokeup with them but nothing compared to this, I'm so hurt and confused, should I tell his woman? Or should I just leave it? I don't want him to hate me for saying anything but I think she deserves the right to know? I really don't know! I've prayed to God and told him how sorry I am for being with another womans man (even though he says he's not in a bond but I don't believe his lying filth) and all the lust he had for me, I pray for him everynight so that God can protect him against any bad thing and I pray that he and who ever he is with have a long happy life together, how do I cope with all this? Feeling like the loser? Like I have nothing but just a body? Not even feelings or anything? I can't even remember how I felt before I met him, and I hate when my friends talk bad about him it hurts me to hear the bad things they say about him, He told me loved me but I know that was all just lies and games, Any good advice for a tender broken heart? I wish him all the best and I hope he has a beautiful life with anybody he's ever with because he's such a nice guy and any woman who is with him really deserves him, I know he's made mistakes and not thought about the people he's hurt but he's only human, I get so angry at him for just leaving me, what if every man I meet is like this? Why did he feel the need to lie to me and act like I was his only? And all the time he was living two lives. How can a man be so coldhearted and not even care about the damage he's doing to both his "woman" and how he has just come into my life and not realize how much scarring he has left behind and just carrys on with his life like I never exsisted? I feel so much remorse towards his "woman" even if they really aren't together, why would anybody drag another persons life into their own because its not working out or because they have problems? please give me some tips on how to be happy in myself again and move on in whole xxxxxx xxxxx

[darkmoon]

"how do I move on?"

 

you need to fix the fact that this man is in your system; his is there because of a hormone called oxytocin which a female will manufacture when she goes to bed with a guy it glues most any woman this way

 

not sure? well, if the story of your association was about you and another woman, you would not be so overwhelmed, but would be more angry/annoyed at her behaviour

 

i think you need a holiday

[ladyabstrused]

I'm sorry you had to go through all that and also for the fact that you still care about him despite all that. You said that you don't want to be involved with anyone else again, but you'll see that it will change once you start to heal. I thought the same way you did.

 

You have to let go and move on. How? I don't know, each has his/her own way but I think the important thing is to start on detachment cos I think you are still clearly attached to this person emotionally. Get yourself distracted, occupy your time with other useful and positive things, hobbies, helping people out, volunteer work etc. It'll make you feel better.

 

Don't say too soon you don't want to get involved with anyone else. You're still so young, younger than me. Life is unpredictable. You can't plan too far ahead, something happens, it's only going to crush you. For now, I think it's best you take a day at a time to get through this and it's not going to be easy.

 

Oh yeah, hang out with your friends more often. Socialise. It truly helps. It's what I've been doing since my break up. I was so stupid. I'm still healing myself, so yeah, keep yourself occupied. It's still okay to cry it out though, it's good. You should let it out, not keep it in. If you need to vent here, go ahead. *hugs* It'll get better with time. You'll be all right.