girlfriend guys and alcohol

[loner_2212]

Hello everyone, I've been stressing over my current situation a whole lot recently and I wanted to see if anyone here has had a similar experience or could offer any input or advice.

 

I'll try to keep this short for you

 

About a year and a half ago I started dating the girl whom I'm posting about. I'm only two years older than her, shes in college and all her friends including her is in the college party scene. We both really love each other and really hit it off from day one.

 

This problem has been really bothering me since day one I've always pretty much just bit my tongue but it seems to be getting worse. My girlfriend has been going to a lot of party's recently where its her her friends and about 15 other guys. Normally this wouldn't bother me I trust her 100% while she is sober but she tends to really go off the deep end when she drinks and doesn't realize how drunk she is until its too late.

 

I believe what's really contributing to me feeling this way is about a half a year ago she for some reason decided she wanted to take a break between us, telling me she isn't looking to meet anyone else. After she said that she went out with her friends to these exact party's got REALLY drunk and was hooking up/yankin off/getting fingered by some guy she met at these party's prior to us breaking up! Keep in mind this is only after 3 days of us breaking up. I met the guy before this all happened to that's what I thought was the funniest.

 

I've tried to bring this to her attention that it's really bothering me. I've asked her can she at least limit the amount that she drinks which hasn't worked. I put the shoe on the other foot and said if I was in a house full of 6 girls with 3 of my buddies hammered how would you feel..which she wasn't thrilled about but she still didn't see my point. After I was trying to come up with something to make me feel better she tells me I need to grow up and this isn't a big deal...?

 

A couple nights ago she went out with her friends apparently her friends were asking where I was and she didn't want me to come out with them because when I'm there she says she feels like she ignores her friends. I don't know what changed but later that night she invited me I walked in shes trashed its her, her friend and about 7 or 8 other guys who her friend was telling me was all over her until I walked in.

 

I obviously can't tell her don't go out and be with your friends that's extremely controlling and not what I want. I guess we are just in two different places I wouldn't put myself in a situation like this and i have stopped going to places like this because I wouldn't want her to feel like this.

Edited June 15, 2012 by loner_2212

[mynameistom]

Oh god I can only hope you don't feel as bad as I felt a couple months ago. My ex didn't physically do stuff with other guys (to my knowledge) but the same ****... Going out clubbing without me, scared that I'll "steal away her friends" and that "their feelings would get hurt if I came along" which is apparently more important.

 

I didn't do anything like that to make her uncomfortable at all because I know how bad it can make someone feel.

 

Answer me this, do you think you could handle not talking to her/being with her if I told you that's what will inevitably happen/you should do it yourself?

[nofool4u]

This problem has been really bothering me since day one I've always pretty much just bit my tongue but it seems to be getting worse. My girlfriend has been going to a lot of party's recently where its her her friends and about 15 other guys. Normally this wouldn't bother me I trust her 100% while she is sober but she tends to really go off the deep end when she drinks and doesn't realize how drunk she is until its too late.

 

 

Don't trust her. Partiers can't be trusted. She knows what she is doing. The main reason to party is to mingle with the opposite sex.

 

You think if there were nothing but girls at these parties she'd want to go?(unless she is bi)

 

Of course not. And being drunk only allows someone to do what they would like to do when sober, they just don't have the guts.

 

You are going to have to decide. Do you want someone that doesn't party? Or do you want to continue and bite your tongue and put up with her disrespecting you by partying?

[nofool4u]

Oh god I can only hope you don't feel as bad as I felt a couple months ago. My ex didn't physically do stuff with other guys (to my knowledge) but the same ****... Going out clubbing without me, scared that I'll "steal away her friends" and that "their feelings would get hurt if I came along" which is apparently more important.

 

Ya, girls nights out mean no guys. Well, no boyfriends that is, but other guys are definitely acceptable.

 

She is feeding you a line. She won't be able to flirt with other guys, or get her male attention fix if you are around.

[mynameistom]

Ya, girls nights out mean no guys. Well, no boyfriends that is, but other guys are definitely acceptable.

 

She is feeding you a line. She won't be able to flirt with other guys, or get her male attention fix if you are around.

 

Still beating myself up over being too much of a dumbazz to pick up on this until now lol

 

OP.............. It really depends on how you feel. It could end pretty messy like mine if you really care about her and don't want to leave her. Let us know what you think

[loner_2212]

First off thank you for the quick input its greatly appreciated.

 

I believe you guys are absolutely right but my heads in two different places over this. One side of me is saying move on this isn't going to change and only a disaster is going to come out of this while the other side is saying that I might be leaving something that could be great.

 

I just can't imagine myself, being the type of guy i am while I'm in a relationship going to a party getting really drunk with 5 or 6 other women not matter what they look like and not wanting my girlfriend there. That's just a recipe for disaster in my eyes.

But maybe shes different and has different views then me? I dunno:sick:

[gmazz06]

Loner,

 

I must admit my girlfriend doesn't act in this way but I admit my jealousy issues and insecurity are even greater than that. My current GF is one that dresses professionally and doesnt let guys get close to her. She didnt let me get close either when I first met her. Shes very outgoing and personable plus she kind of hangs out like shes one of the guys. I love this quality about her but I hate that it attracts guys in the same way it attracted myself. She truly doesn't behave like your girlfriend does but I find myself worrying every time i see her with a guy and sometimes even worry about future situations where she will be with a guy/s. I stumbled across this post on a random forum about a guy struggling with his relationship and fidelity and every time I get these types of thoughts that you are experiencing, I read this without thinking about whats currently bothering me and once I do this, I am able to rationally decide if what I am worried about is truly worth stressing over and whether or not its worth bringing up to her.

Coming to terms with Jealousy:

You can learn to trust your girlfriend, indeed you must if you want this relationship to continue. Or, for that matter, if you wish to build a lasting relationship with any woman at all. The anxiety you are feeling and the visions of betrayal that dance through your head constitute a condition that in simpler times was known as jealousy. A jealous man is one who fears being played for a fool by his woman -- that is how he thinks of her, as His woman -- regardless of who that woman may be. The woman may change, the woman may be replaced, but a man who cannot rid himself of jealousy will see the same flaws in every single one.

 

Today, this common male condition is described variously as a controlling tendency or possessiveness or insecurity. No matter the name, jealousy is a habit of mind that invariably proves ruinous to a man's well-being, whether it is bottled up or allowed to manifest itself in amateur detective work or spectacular rages. This is not to say that jealousy cannot be cured. Like any other habit, from fidgeting to smoking, it can be unlearned through a long and sometimes difficult process of recognition, determination, and rehabilitation.

 

Your own jealousy does not seem to be especially deep-seated, for you recognize the problem and have discussed it with your girlfriend. You have also maintained the relationship through some unusual conditions, such as being geographically separated from her while she was at college in Chicago. The fact that you have openly discussed your feelings on the subject of fidelity speaks well for both of you. You should find it reassuring that she agrees with you in principle on the notion of a monogamous relationship. This philosophical agreement is necessary, although it is not sufficient, to maintain such a relationship. What can guarantee that your girlfriend will forever act in accordance with her principles, that she will never yield to temptation?

 

There is no such guarantee. The fact is that beyond certain easily recognized limits, there is no way to know whether one's paramour is, was, or will be faithful. A person who is not admittedly or visibly licentious, who professes a staunch fidelity, may nonetheless be lured in certain circumstances from the practice of monogamy while remaining committed to the theory. What these circumstances are, and whether they will ever come into play, is unknowable to anyone. How can we peer into the heart of another? This question has caused immeasurable agony to romantics throughout the ages. It is impossible even to know the deepest truths of one's own heart.

 

As a first step to doing away with the agony, you must reconcile yourself to the fact that nothing can guarantee everlasting fidelity. You must also perceive, as I think you already do, that worrying about the matter and seeking frantically to shore up the borders of the relationship against every possibility of attack will only sour the prevailing mood between the two of you. You must reflect positively on the reassurances she has given you, and on the generally free and honest communication you enjoy.

 

Consider, also, that your jealous fits are caused by two pairs of conflicting visions. First, you are bothered by the discrepancy between your image of the perfect mate and the actual traits of your girlfriend. To counteract this, you must acknowledge that no one is perfect, and that you yourself are far from a paragon of manhood. Second, there is a tension between what you know about her behavior and what you imagine her doing when she is out of sight. You must come to recognize that exerting your powers of imagination by picturing your girlfriend in compromising situations and salacious poses is useful only as a way of tormenting yourself. It is also something that you do unwillingly, for it is a nervous habit. You must stop screening movies of infidelity in the cinema of your mind.

 

Confronting this self-torture and talking about it is a good start. I can also recommend as a practical procedure that you begin keeping a record of the occasions when you lapse into jealous daydreams. Carry around a small notebook and a pen so that every time you find that you are imagining scenarios of betrayal or otherwise fretting about your girlfriend's fidelity, you can make a note of it. It is enough to record a stroke so that you can count these occasions, or, if you feel like it, to jot down a word or two remarking on the nature and duration of the episode. You will eventually find it useful to review your records so that you can see what progress you have made in carrying out your resolution to eliminate the jealous fits. You should also find that the act of keeping track is itself a good countermeasure, since you will begin to form the habit of catching yourself as your mind begins to wander into the rut. This will naturally serve to reduce the duration and eventually the frequency of your unhealthy thoughts.

 

If you are the worrying type, you will in the end find something else to worry about: your job, your lawn, your football team, your government, your environment. These are things you can control or at least investigate to some degree. The last thing you should worry about is something you cannot control. And bear in mind, always, that you would do far better to improve yourself than to seek to improve another.

 

You can not tolerate intolerable behavior. I also have played the "how would you feel if i did it to you" card and they admit they wouldn't like it but you can not control there actions/behaviors and trying to will only force them to act/behave even worse. The best thing you can do is treat her like you wish to be treated and when you get to a point where its not being reciprocated and she knows you feel this way, than you need to make a decision that you stick by. If you feel that one day she will wake up and realize she needs to behave with your feelings in mind than by all means stick with her but understand that the stress you feel is a one-way road and only you are going through these emotions. If these feelings are worth the wait for her to change than keep putting yourself through it otherwise I suggest doing the unthinkable... putting yourself first... but i mean literally putting yourself first. Trust that if it doesn't work out than so be it. Up to this point, you've survived your life's ups and down and perhaps survived past break ups as well. They often times feel like your losing something irreplaceable but more often than not you find something better in your search once you commit to putting YOUR needs, wants, and desires as priority #1 in your life. This is YOUR road and YOURS alone. Others may walk it with you but no one can walk it for you. Make a decision, stick to it, don't look back, and let fate do the rest.

[Joaquin]

I agree with the above.

 

You experience what u tolerate.

 

You have to set boundaries that match the type of relationship you want.

 

It's up to you to define the relationship you want.

[dasein]

while the other side is saying that I might be leaving something that could be great.

 

A GF who goes out and gets hammered with guys she has hooked up with in the past and doesn't want you along because she doesn't pay enough attention to her friends while -you- are around? And that has any possibility at all of turning out great? Dump trash.

[loner_2212]

These were some awesome posts it really opened my eyes.

 

My question to you guys though is. As her boyfriend do I have any place to tell her I don't like her going to these parties where its her, her friends and a bunch of guys. I almost want to say if you continue doing this I cannot see myself with you much longer. She tells me the only reason she goes is because that's all her friends do and she's not going to NOT hang out without them.

 

I almost feel like that's being really over protective but the headaches and heartaches that I'm getting over this isn't even fair. At the same time though I keep having this thought that I'm just going to run into this problem with another female..

[nofool4u]

These were some awesome posts it really opened my eyes.

 

My question to you guys though is. As her boyfriend do I have any place to tell her I don't like her going to these parties where its her, her friends and a bunch of guys.

 

Its not your place to tell her what to do.

 

It is acceptable to tell her how you feel and that you don't like it. If she gets defensive or doesn't care, then just put her on the street where she belongs.

 

 

I almost want to say if you continue doing this I cannot see myself with you much longer.

 

 

Thats perfectly acceptable. You are telling her what you expect without telling her what to do.

 

 

She tells me the only reason she goes is because that's all her friends do and she's not going to NOT hang out without them.

 

Bullsh*t and onions.

 

 

I almost feel like that's being really over protective but the headaches and heartaches that I'm getting over this isn't even fair. At the same time though I keep having this thought that I'm just going to run into this problem with another female..

 

Once again, partiers are not to be trusted. There is a reason people party. You think she would want to party if absolutely no other guys were around? Girls night out means no guys, well no boyfriends anyway, other guys are allowed and desired.

 

And no, you aren't going to run into this with every female. There are people that like to party, and there are people that don't. You just find yourself one that doesn't.

[Chi townD]

One side of me is saying move on this isn't going to change and only a disaster is going to come out of this while the other side is saying that I might be leaving something that could be great.

 

 

OR....another side should be telling you that something great is going to pass you by while you're still stuck on a girl that's going to cheat on you any chance she gets....

[Eddie Edirol]

She tells me the only reason she goes is because that's all her friends do and she's not going to NOT hang out without them.

 

I almost feel like that's being really over protective but the headaches and heartaches that I'm getting over this isn't even fair. At the same time though I keep having this thought that I'm just going to run into this problem with another female..

 

Theres nothing wrong with her hanging out with her friends, but she doesnt HAVE to get drunk. But she wants to. So that means she can do whatever she wants because you are staying with her. Thats what you are teaching her. Only when you leave and she gets left a fwe times will she grow up. or take someone seriously and not want to drink and flirt so much. That isnt you. There are plenty of women out there that will take you seriously. Dump this one.

[Robert P]

My question to you guys though is. As her boyfriend do I have any place to tell her I don't like her going to these parties where its her, her friends and a bunch of guys. I almost want to say if you continue doing this I cannot see myself with you much longer.

 

Yes, you have the right to tell this to her. Firstly, because it's not right that she goes to parties, gets drunk and flirts with other guys. I mean: if she is in a relationship that, by definition, requires exclusivity, she really has no right to do that.

 

Só, by telling her that you don't want her to go to parties, get drunk and all this stuff, you're doing nothing but claiming your right to see her accomplishing her obligations as a girlfriend.

 

But certainly doing this may bring up some arguing; she may not be happy; she may even try to attack some personal issues, hoping that you're imature or that you're afraid to lose her. You know, she may just say "I'm like this, love me this way or leave me alone".

 

Well, that's the point where you decide. Honestly, I wouldn't bear be with a girl who gets drunk and flirt.

 

In my opinion, or she changes herself (and you have all the right to ask her to do so) or you should not be afraid of dumping her at all. Seriously, man.

[Snakechammah]

What do we expect from someone in college? She's young and wants to have fun... she's just discovering life and wants to party 24/7. In my opinion, she shouldn't be in a relationship if she prefers to flirt, drink and party excessively.

 

You, on the other hand, seems much more matured and grounded.

 

This has been a total mismatch. Your priorities in life are so different, do you really think you could make this work? How long do you need to wait till she grows up? Even if she ages, do you think her maturity will ever match yours? Or will she stay the same party person - just with more wrinkles?

 

It's best you find someone more compatible - someone who understands your perspective in life.

 

If you are hurting in a relationship, it is probably not worth it.

 

Good luck!

[Feedthewhitedog]

I feel bad for you man. Women like this do not deserve you, I try to avoid party girls at all costs because it really is not my thing. I think it only causes problems that will linger under the surface until they explode. The way I see it man, you now know what you're looking for, and it is not a party girl. I don't mean to say that all party girls are disloyal, but it is my belief that a solid majority of them will not respect a relationship and they should remain single until they are ready to grow up and be involved in the real world. If she can't be loyal to you, end it. The sooner you do, the sooner you will find someone who will show you the respect you really deserve.