k100danny Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 I have done my goodbye to my ex and I think i have it sorted in my mind. I plan to start no contact from this minute. It will be hard im not saying i dont wish it could all go back to normal but deep down I know we weren't the best match although we did love each other it took a long time for one of us to pull the plug for good. I plan on using this thread to post each day or when I want to contact her and monitor my progress until I feel I don't need to vent anymore and I have fully let go. I have come to the realisation that I tried to make her happy. I wasn't 100% happy and i was often miserable. I don't know why i feel the need to hold on to people for the small amounts of time when it is good but this is something i will have to talk to my therapist about ( I have therapy for my anxiety disorder but we often chat about anything that is on my mind) I did what I could and at times was made to feel so small and worthless but i still tried to make someone happy. I shouldnt change anything about myself for someone or try to make things work. if it works it works and if not then so be it. Of course in relationships we make sacrafices and accomodate our partners but you shouldnt lose yourself. My ex wasn't fully happy with her life here and i can't change that. she is a traveller who at the moment doesnt know what she wants in life and thats ok. she has to find that out for herself wherever that may take her. I do wish her well. I obviously wish it had all worked out but if we had been a match we would have been two different people. I miss her but I wouldn't be happy knowing she wasnt. I'm finding it hard but i know in the long run i will look back and thank god that we didn't end up together and she will probably feel the same. One of my biggest things and reasons i think i hang on is i have a small network of friends. I was quite controlled in this relationship and the friends i did spend time with all got left out in the end and she was the only person i really had contact with. this is something i have to try not to do in future. My anxiety also makes it hard to keep socialising all of the time and to keep a wide network of friends as i sometimes dont feel like doing anything at all. this is something else i have to sort out before i get in another relationship as this one made my anxiety worse. It's easy for people to say as i have been told many times that i am better off without her and i will find better but our feelings dont work like that do they. Im not expecting people to reply to this but they can if they wish. As i say it's just a place for me to vent and try to keep from getting in contact.
Jose11 Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 I wish you the best of luck k100danny. I know this is a hard time to go through as i am still going through it myself. I guess we kind of have similar stories in that she really didn't know what she wanted out of life, and i guess i was holding her back from figuring it out. I really wish the best for her and i really wish it was me, but when they aren't happy with themselves, well then we have to just take a step back and let them go. Start a journal and write what you feel down. Its been helping me alot. It also helps me keep NC. I write in it what i want to tell her instead of contacting her. Trust me it'll help.
Author k100danny Posted June 15, 2012 Author Posted June 15, 2012 Thanks for the reply. I have a journal too, i found this helpfull last time i went through a break up and struggled. I found myself writing huge ammounts at the start and literally going through pages and pages then it got less and less until i finally moved on. I know it will be a hard thing to do go no contact when i know i still love her and im sure she still loves me in some way but we know we arent meant to be and neither of us were 100% happy. we id have many very loving times which is why we held on for the last couple of months i suppose. good luck with yours too. no shame in having these feelings and this relationship will make me understand myself more just as the last one did.
Jose11 Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 I found the journal to be helpful too. This is my first long term breakup and its gotten better. I guess the worst part for me was that I really didn't know she was unhappy. I knew we were not at 100% when we broke up but I just thought of it as a rough patch. Hopefully in time I will be like you and realize where things went wrong and where it can be fixed for the next relationship. Stay strong in NC.
Author k100danny Posted June 15, 2012 Author Posted June 15, 2012 You will get through it. This break up os very early for me but we had had a rough patch and weren't getting along as well. we had a pretty turbulent relationship as she is very insecure and controlling and often acted out. I knew something was wrong, she said she was happy with me but she wanted to travel which is fine by me. I had a really rough time with my last break up and it took me a LONG time to get over and wasn't as long as this one, but i did a lot of soul searching after and tried to udnerstand myself and other people more aswell as their and my own needs. This helped me to pin point certain things and be aware of them. This relationship only broke up on monday after a couple of weeks of not really being close at all. It doesn't make it easier knowing but i find some comfort in a saying that is said all of the time. Would you be happy knowing she wasnt ? whatever the reason everyone deserves to do what makes them happy or at least try. I was conning myself aswell thinking i was 100% happy which wasn't the case but i have some issues of getting anxiously attached so this explains why i didnt walk away. journalling was the thing that tought me a lot when my last relationship ended, you will find yourself writing things you didnt even know you felt. My number 1 tip is try to be 100% HONEST in your writing, nobody will see it. I started to write as if my ex was having the conversation with me and found myself censoring stuff which isnt helpfull. your emotions are yours and even if you feel guilty for saying something or feeling a certain way it is how you feel so stick it in there.
Jose11 Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 I guess it is normally to write like you are talking to your ex. I went from just writing to writing like i am having a conversation with her. Although i have noticed I am censoring myself a bit, so I have to be honest as well. While you said you noticed the insecurities of your ex, I didn't. I have now come to the realization though that the person she wanted to become when we first met to who she is now is completely different. I want to say it was chalked up to growing as an individual and having yourself adjust to what life gives you, i guess she couldn't and doesnt want to adjust. She just wants to change her old life. Unfortunately I was a big part of her old one so I had to go to get her going. And yeah your right and everyone else is right, she deserves to be happy, even if it's not with me.
Author k100danny Posted June 15, 2012 Author Posted June 15, 2012 (edited) Most of the time I think people do change over time. It is normal for people to get together and be more accepting of differences only for them to realise them down the line. they haven't fooled you just tried to make something work and it hasn't. It's only been half a day and my no contact is hard already. I sent my goodbye message this morning wishing her well for the future and hope she finds happiness which she replied to with pretty much the same. The hardest part is when you think you have it all figured out in your head then you think of another angle and think hhmmmm maybe. But you know it isn't the best way to think it's just a way of trying to get the pain to leave now. Holding tight and will be geting my journal out soon. Another thing im really struggling with at the minute is the high anxiety, not being able to eat and sleep properly and concentration on anything seeming near impossible. I havent eaten properly since monday, ive had small meals and eaten what I can but nothing like i would usually. I feel sick all the time and have thought i will be on a few occasions. Edited June 15, 2012 by k100danny
Jose11 Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 Yeah its really hard the first couple of days. Im on week 7 and although it has gotten better, i still have my moments, and bad days. Yesterday was a BAD! day where the thought of us hit me like a ton of bricks. but today is a ok day where it just comes and goes. Make sure to take care of yourself the first couple of weeks. I was dumb enough to let myself not eat and lost like 15 pounds and wasn't able to sleep for days on end. But it gets better. what i actually did was have her number blocked from my cell phone so it can't ring if she tries to call. which i doubt she would. But it helps becuase im not on my phone 24/7 waiting for a call that will never come because it just can't. Friends and family are your best assets right now.
Author k100danny Posted June 15, 2012 Author Posted June 15, 2012 Yeah i lost a LOT of weight through my last break up, like 25lbs or something over 3 months. I am still eating and i am sleeping its just at odd times and not getting a full nights sleep yet. I need to get back into a routine of sleeping and working. Family are supportive and i have a couple of close friends but my anxiety issues and panic attacks mean that socialising isnt always what i want to do and definitely not for the last couple of months so although i have friends i am very withdrawn. My anxiety has gotten a lot worse during this relationship and it has taken a lot out of me, not to be just blamed on her. I put the pressure on myself to get over my anxiety as i felt guilty which turned into a vicious cycle. I used to socialise around once a week and see a few friends but my ex was quite insecure and I kind of put all of my eggs in one basket with her and the only places i really went were with her, she would still socialise with friends now and again but mainly just us two so we talked all day mainly via text and then on the phone and saw each other a few times a week for the last 7 months. It's very hard and although I know we couldn't have worked the way we were going and she wants to travel and I have anxiety issues so travelling is a no for me. But i still kid myself that is might work sometimes, this kind of delusion is i suppose a defence against admitting its over and therefore trying to stop the bad feelings.
Jose11 Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 You know your story sounds so much like mine. The fact that we always just socialize mainly with each other. We text throughout the day and talked at night on the phone. The only place I went to also was with her. I wouldn't say i had axiety by myself going to these new places, but I liked taking her along with me. I loved taking her to new places. But I guess you are right. Like you we didn't really socialze with anyone at these place but each other, and i think thats what got to her. She always wanted to be a social butterfly, but never could becuase she always had me as her security blanket to fall back on. I want to say too that we would work if we tried, but idk if i am lying to myself or not. Like you I am not sure if I am bargaining with myself or accepting reality. I kind of wish we had tried at least before we broke up, but i don't know if we would just be delaying the inevitable.
Author k100danny Posted June 15, 2012 Author Posted June 15, 2012 Yeah I mean she was like me in lots of respects, she did like to socialise a bit more which was fine by me I didn't have a problem if she wanted a few nights out with the girls thats healthy. she liked time on her own too or well time with me just the two of us. She isn't really a city person, she grew up in the countryside and i think that is probably where her heart stays though. she did have some control issues too, she got jealous easily and needed a lot of attention from me. I am a loving and caring person but i am quite happy being sat next to someone in the same room if we were together for a few days but she needed constant contact from me. This feels sweet at first and im not saying i dont like givng affection because i do but it just felt like a control thing. She even got jealous of my 4 year old cousin who I am very close with as I dont have children and i spoil her and treat her like a princess. I mean who gets jealous of a 4 year old haha. I shouldnt laugh because it must be awful to feel that insecure but i cant imagine being like that.
Jose11 Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 Yeah she was more a social person. She went out with her co workers once or twice a week. And that didn't bother me. A part of me wonders though why did she need to break up if she knew i was never the type of person to tell her no i don't want you to go out. I trusted her, and i never go jealous when she did. But I guess she just doesn't want to even think about me with any action she does. I guess that includes meeting new guys.
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