dumped for another girl?

[btrfly85]

My ex and I were together for almost 7 years. We had our ups and downs but we always seemed to make things work and I felt like it always made our relationship strongrer. 3 months ago.. I thought I had it all - I graduated, got my dream job, and my boyfriend seemed ready to settle down. I never pushed him about it because I knew how he felt about the situation. He had plans on buying the restaurant he worked at and I guess that got him ready. We talked about what kind of wedding we wanted and the gifts for our guests, our future kids names, what kind of engagement ring he was looking to get me and how he wanted to design it when the time came to look, and he even wanted kids, saying "lets make babies now." Well, the restaurant plan didn't work out and he changed jobs and started working as a cook with his best friend and another guy he used to work with years ago. I don't hate them but I hate how my ex was when he was with them. My ex was into video games before but his friends got him hooked and addicted to WOW, magic, and now dungeons and dragons. Though I was hesitant about this change, I supported him because I knew he wanted to work with them and he was unhappy at his old job. I helped him write his resume.

 

My ex used to call me every night after work at his old job.. never had to ask him.. would always call even if I had work just to leave a message to say hi, I love you. and I would sometimes get off to late so I would call back and leave a message so it was never a big deal if we didn't talk but it was nice to hear from him, as I would do the same. Well, once he started this job, excuses started coming up about why he didn't call.. thought I was still working, etc. I didn't care too much at first, but the fact was he would work with them all day then go over his friends house to play magic until 4 am. I guess asking for a 2 minute phone call or text to say hey or i love you was too much to ask for? So yes, I did get annoyed but only after I had talked to him about it. His friends also like to tell him that he's whipped and that he is a saint for putting up with me, says a bunch of 23-29 year old guys who has never had a girlfriend before and still live at home with their parents with no plans of moving out. My ex would change our plans for them and told me "plans change.. get over it" but if I asked to hang out without knowing any of his plans, he would tell me he was busy with them? He never answers my calls/texts when he's with them (I'm not the only one he does it to, his family has to text me to pass along a message) but if his friends call/text him about the game, he almost always immediately answered. I know my ex had a difficult childhood as well and had a hard time making friends so I know how important this "crew" is for him and I would never want to take that away from him.. I just wanted to feel important too.

 

a week before he broke up with me, he became more distant, started lying more. when he broke up with me, he made excuses like "I didn't love him??", that i was crazy, and that his rude friends are okay the way they are because "no one ever told them how to act" but he expected better from his girlfriend. I was raised in a broken home and I had a horrible childhood yet I made something out of myself and I know I'm a good person and no one had to tell me to act that way. Well, I found out a week later he was going out with another girl and sleeping with her.. I believe she works with him and plays d&d after work with the guys so his friends must love her. I know in my heart though that there must have been something going on before he broke up with me because he was so cold.

 

I hate feeling like I wasn't good enough for him.. I hate that I supported him and loved him and was there for him if he needed anything and he does this. I hate that his friends opinion mattered more than what I would ever have to say or feel; his best friend has known him for 5 years yet doesn't even know when his birthday is. I hate how quickly he moved on and the thought of him actually cheating on me with this girl. I know I'm not perfect.. I was really clingy for a while during the beginning of our relationship. It did have a lot to do with my childhood and feeling unloved.. i felt like my own mom didn't love me so when I found someone who did love me, I held on tight. I changed a lot during our relationship for the better.. not just for him but for myself as well. I know that at my core, I'm a really good person and I have been able to peel off the layers that I grew because of what happened to me when I was younger - the anger, insecurity, the feeling of needing to cling on to those who loved me and it feels great to be able to just be me. I guess asking for a call or text even if it was just to say hi was too needy for him? I barely saw him during the week.. maybe once or twice and that depends on my work schedule and his. I guess I couldn't understand why i had to even ask or why it was too much to ask for? just getting a hi.. love ya when we've been going out for almost 7 years. I hate this emotional roller coaster I'm on. One minute I tell myself "its a brand new day! I'm going to look hot and kick ass" and then a few minutes or a few hours later, I get so depressed and sad. I hate that I know I don't deserve this yet I still hope that he realizes he made a mistake and come back to me. I hate that I'm losing such an important relationship I had with his family who I considered my own as well. I hate that he was a coward.. I felt like he waited until he definitely knew this girl was into him before he broke up with me. I hate that I feel worthless and unloved by somebody who I loved so much and I thought he felt the same way. I hate the he hasn't called or wanted to see if I was okay. I hate that my heart is so broken and my dreams of a future with him shattered. I do try to get myself out there and not mope but its so hard. I do miss him and I know I deserve better. I just don't know what to do sometimes.. shopping and doing new things takes my mind off things for a little bit but once I'm by myself, it comes back and hits me like a ton of bricks.

[Philosoraptor]

Sadly it seems that he cared about the opinions of his friends more than he did you, which should say something. Instead of being honest and respectful he also picked the path of least guilt and tried to pin everything on you. With that in mind it's pretty clear he had this lady picked out before he ended things with you.

 

On the bright side looking at his character did you really lose a whole lot? You cared deeply for him but his friends opinions came before any sort of importance was placed on you for your relationship. I dare say even though it hurts now, you dodged one heck of a bullet if he is that easily swayed by others.

[NordicStripes]

Your story reminds me so much of mine...

 

My ex and I had a great thing going, but I was quite clingy as well. His friends were all just kids - they never did anything but smoke weed and play cards or watch the game. By the end of our relationship he started ditching me for them. He would feel like not doing anything, but when they called he's jump up and leave... Anyway, you know what I mean Then he broke up with me, and I found out a week later he was sleeping with a colleague of his. And I know you know how that feels... it's completely and utterly heartbreaking.

 

Well, it's been 11 months on now. And I can tell you this:

1. It's not that you weren't good enough for him. You were too good for him. Believe me.

2. He probably has a lot of growing up to do if he values his friends more than you. You need someone who puts you in 1st place. That's what you deserve. And that's what you'll find some day.

3. The hurt will stay for quite a while. I can't tell you that one day it'll be gone magically. But after a while you'll have more days where - when you think about what happened - it won't feel like a punch in the stomach anymore. But this will take time.

4. He is part of the past now. There is a great new life waiting for you. And a great new guy who values you for who you are.

 

5. Very important. This is NOT your fault.

 

It will get better.

[Coil]

do NOT look back or give him the time of day again. you will be much better off in the big picture w/o someone so selfish. It sucks that you wasted 7 years, but at least you were not married.

[btrfly85]

Thanks for the reply. Sadly, I have to face the fact that he didn't love me at all. It seems like he has changed a lot of his ways with this new girl. Stopped playing his games, stopped hanging out with his friends as much, losing weight, doing things to impress her. I guess im hurt because he didn't want to be better for me and he probably used the games and his friends as a way to escape me. I know when you're with somebody new, everything seems so perfect and you have those butterflies and you want to impress your new gf or bf. But the guy I wanted so much for him to be with me, he is being that guy for her. It seems so unfair because the fights we got into was because he didn't want to go out and do things.

 

His friends, and coworkers, and boss.. and maybe his family thinks they're perfect for each other.. and maybe they are? I feel like there are days when I move forward but than I take 2 steps back when I hear something about them or when I think about how much he didn't care.

 

I know ignorance is biss and I'm only hurting myself by finding out whats going on or making assumptions about whats going on. I hate not knowing.. but I guess I'll hate it more when I find out one day that they're getting married or shes pregnant, etc.

 

Last I talked to him, he said he dumped me first and not for another girl. He's lied so many times before to cover his ass that I have no reason to believe him now. I over analyze things a lot and I think back to all those nights he came home from work late and I ask myself if he was just staying there to be with her.

 

I know all this thinking and over analyzing won't help me heal. I know finding out that he is taking her out on dates that I would ask to go on or driving her around in his mom's corvette to impress her isn't helping me. I know hearing that they are an "A+ team" at work from their coworkers is just a stab through my heart. Its been 7 weeks since we broke up and it seems he really loves her if he is like this towards her.

 

I'm heart broken and devastated.. I do want him to be happy because I did love him for the whole time we were together.. Its a bitter and hard pill to swallow knowing that he didn't care or love me back and that he is with somebody who he must think is really special. Makes me feel worthless and rejected.

 

I am starting therapy. The pain is too much and Im still on an emotional roller coaster. I don't know how people get thru this but I know they do.

[Philosoraptor]

I am starting therapy. The pain is too much and Im still on an emotional roller coaster. I don't know how people get thru this but I know they do.

The best path to healing is to take care of and learn to love yourself the most. I wish you well in your healing.

[Manimal]

I think the texts/calls after work and the like are totally cool. I always call my wife when I get off work just to yap about stuff, ask if I need to make a food run, what did the kids do in the evening, etc. Granted I will see her in 20 minutes if I am coming straight home (otherwise I go to the gym), but she usually hits the sack as soon as I get home as she works in the morning.

 

And I know it sucks, but it sounds like you are definitely better off without him.

[blondie 12345]

hi your story brought back some memories

I was with my ex for 10 years I noticed before we broke up he became distant was always out wouldn't answer my calls or texts wouldn't take me anywhere.

Then 1 day he said he wanted to be on his own for while and 2 days after leaving me he had a new girlfriend from work n had moved in with her he wouldn't answer me or talk to me or say why I was devastated n heartbroken I was a mess for 2 years its now 5 years on and I can honestly say I am so happy for the day he left me for her because I have never been happier n if he hadn't left I wouldn't have the life I have now we have a son together so I still see him when he picks him up n I don't feel anything for him. I never thought I'd see day where I'm not bothered bout him.

Good things come out of bad situations.

It mite take weeks months or years but all will be fine

Xx

[blondie 12345]

and also he says he never dumped me for her but I know he did he should be man enough to say it but won't even 5 years on lol they have 3 kids together now so he's always stuck in now and he never wanted kids looks like things don't always turn out how you want them too,

Keep chin up xx

[btrfly85]

Thanks for the reply guys.

 

I didn't think the phone calls were that big of a deal.. It meant something to me because I didn't see him often and I loved just talking to him. But he didn't feel the same way.

 

I am slowly realizing that this could probably be the best thing that has ever happened. I loved him very much, I still do. I do want him to be happy. If she makes him happy and if all this is what he wants.. than I am genuinely happy for him. I find comfort in knowing that if he can find happiness.. I know I will too and when I do find “the one” it will be absolutely amazing because I know now I won’t settle for anything less than amazing.

 

In a way, I am grateful for him breaking up with me. My mom is in a horrible relationship with a man who does not respect or love her. And I've always told myself that I will never let that happen to me. But I did. I was weak and fought to stay with a guy who didn't respect me..

 

I am scared of going out to places where we used to hang out.. restaurants, malls, movies... scared that I'll see him, see him with her. It'll take time.

 

Blondie... how did you move on from that heartache? Did you ever find someone else or what made you happier? I think I'm doing okay dealing with it. I don't know how to feel about him cutting me off. We talked almost everyday for 6 years and 10 months. And he blames me for everything and says I was the one who wasn't good in a relationship. I never denied that I had flaws and made mistakes.