Shaun1967 Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 Hi All, Here is the brief rundown of my doomed relationship! I met the wife when I was 19, she was 16 that was 25 years ago and I have been married for nearly 18 of those years. No kids, just me and her - no affairs on either part. The past couple of years the wife has been very emotional and to be honest quite hard work! That being said I have done all I can to keep her happy, until our recent drunken times where things have got on top of us. At times it appeared she was trying to push me away..... We had a very brief split 10 years ago over the fact that she didn´t want children - that was no problem for me as I believe if you find someone you truly love then thats enough! Anyway, we got back together, moved on, moved to sunny spain for 7 years and now were back in the UK. Living in Spain was hard and the novelty ran out so we both decided it was right to move back. She has now started to regain her confidence and independance and has basically said she wants to live on her own. Just like that - no one else involved (which i believe) not interested in any Marriage Guidance - nothing. Just wants her own way! She is a completely different person that I used to know and I feel now, that when I speak to her about how I feel its a bit of an inconvience. Maybe it makes her feel quilty.... I am pleased for her, in that she seems to know what she wants but I dont understand it...... she will be working all week to keep the roof above her head - and obviously looking to go out with her girlfriends. So we know what that could bring.... Does this sound like a mid-life crisis????? and does anyone have experience with a similar scenario!! and outcome! I have no choice but to let her do what she wants and at times I am looking forward to the thought of meeting new women - she has been gone for 5 weeks now and just removed her clothes from our house ( I asked her if she would due to me expecting her to come back - where I now think thats it!!) I have very mixed feelings about the seperation, she was my best mate as well as my wife and we shared everything! Some days I am OK with it, other days I feel angry and some very depressed. What do you reckon, thnaks.
Radu Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 Have you talked with a lawyer and started the D proceedings ? You need to understand that when a woman says she wants out, it has been coming for a while and she has already everything setup, so it's not generally something they do at the drop of a hat.
KathyM Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 I suggest you hold off with any divorce proceedings. It may very well be a midlife crisis, and once she realizes she made a mistake in leaving, she will come to her senses and return to you, hopefully, before she has any intimacy with someone else. I know three cases personally of women who went through a midlife crisis. With one, she had a seemingly good marriage, and then she up and left, bought a sports car, and moved to an apartment. Left her children and the house with the husband. She did not return. They eventually divorced. With the second woman, she was determined she wanted something better, was not happy in the marriage, so she left after the last of the kids went off to college. She realized her mistake after several months, and returned to her husband, and they managed to put their relationship back together. For the third woman, her midlife crisis involved needing serious validation from other men in order to feel good about herself, so she went out and got a boob job, started flirting with other men online, and had an emotional affair with one and a physical affair with two other men. Her husband divorced her shortly thereafter. So it's possible your wife will come to her senses and realize the single life is not what she wants. Hopefully, she'll come to that realization before intimacy with others takes place. 1
Author Shaun1967 Posted June 15, 2012 Author Posted June 15, 2012 No, I have not started any divorce proceedings - and I must admit thats something I am Not considering. It might wake her up or she might say yes, no problem..... If it is a midlife crisis - it would probably go along the lines of your third case:- I like the term serious validation. Its always nice to get attention from the opposite sex, not too sure if I would be happy with her getting some intimate attention :- you know what men are like and I wouldn´t want to see her being used, (but thats my selfpreservation I guess!) - although it could be the other way around! At this stage, I hope she sees sense and sorts herself out but only time will tell. She will need to get into the Flat/apartment first before she realises "this is my lot" Thanks for your replies.
standtall Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 She doesn't want to go to MC? Are you beating her or doing drugs? Is she? The third party detector is going off here. 1
Gagirl Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 Women absolutely do have mid-life crisis. It is usually caused by lack of emotional support, no friends, family or so on. One day, they wake up and realize how bitter and angry they are and poof! Off to the races.
Author Shaun1967 Posted June 15, 2012 Author Posted June 15, 2012 Women absolutely do have mid-life crisis. It is usually caused by lack of emotional support, no friends, family or so on. One day, they wake up and realize how bitter and angry they are and poof! Off to the races. This is an interesting point Gagirl. When we were living in Spain - for the last 18months I was going out working daily and my wife was at home, mainly due to the lack of work opportunities - which drove her up the wall and emotionally very vunerable, with no family in Spain with us. Looking back I could have given her more emotional support. Her boredom and gradual downward spiral led us to come back to the UK. Since then my Mother has had a serious operation and now has been diagonised with cancer - this has delayed my wife leaving for sure, and when speaking with her I can detect some anger in her....... Thanks
GLDheart Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 (edited) This is a VERY tough choice for her. Please acknowledge that your wife has every right to live her life the way she sees fit. I respect her honesty with you. YES it is selfish. But thats exactly the point. It's her life. She is going to go one way or the other. Once she leaves, what she then does is not your responsibility. I say repsect her decision but do not support it. Get out of her way. Tell her you love her as you do nothing to assist her in moving out etc. If she wants to be on her own, let her have it. ALL OF IT. Use this time to improve yourself too. Lose a little weight. Do "that project" you always wanted to. Go visit a buddy you havent seen in a few years. Get your game on man (but don't rush out to sleep with other women). If she then sees you for what you are, maybe she will return. Maybe not. And, maybe with a few extra miles on her too. Make her want the new improved version of you. Now it will be your tough choice if you'll want to have her back. And worse case scenario, if you dont want her anymore, you have a nice head start on moving forward. Edited June 18, 2012 by GLDheart 1
SarahRose Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 maybe she is going through the change and that can mess a person up with the hormones all over the place.
alexandria35 Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 maybe she is going through the change and that can mess a person up with the hormones all over the place. This sounds simplistic but I actually do believe it has some merit. I once watched a show about how a woman's actions can become illogical and erratic during menopause. There were some women on the show talking about the some of the crazy and self destructive things they did during this time. One was single and self sufficient. She wasn't rich but she had a good paying job and owned her own condo. She quit her job, sold her place, moved to Paris and spent all of her money. She ended up without a job, a home or money. She devastated herself and since she had always been a responsible rational person her entire adult life she was at a loss to explain what caused her to do something so crazy and destructive to herself. Another woman who had had a long term successful marriage suddenly decided she wanted to be free and single. She became wild, going to clubs, hanging out with people she would have normally never considered and ignoring her family. She lost her husband as he divorced her and remarried and damaged her relationships with her family members. She regretted it deeply and was also confused by her own actions. And I watched my very own mother become someone I didn't recognize for a few years in her early fifties. My mom is regretful of some of her actions and also believes that it was hormonal. I'm in no way suggesting that menopause is an excuse or reason for making bad decisions, I'm just saying that if a woman starts acting completely out of character at this time, hormones may be a contributing factor. And there are certainly doctors and psychologists who also believe this to be the case. 1
Author Shaun1967 Posted June 18, 2012 Author Posted June 18, 2012 Thanks for the comments people, I am obviously thinking of this constantly - trying to reason it out...... Within the last 6 months she has been to the Doctor who stated that she wasn´t going through the change - but did suggest there could be fertility issues..... biological clock ticking etc.. this would play on your mind. This has never been brought up in conversation as an issue though.. so not too sure if this is it... One thing that does concern me though - she seems to be partying quite a bit, quite normal really with a new lease of life. Last week, I was out with a couple of mates and I saw her out in town, completely hammered, back smoking and I did vent some frustration out on her... that was wrong of me I know. I felt better after though :-) The next day I phoned her and arranged to meet - through genuine concern. She was getting drunk whilst living with me - and she is still getting drunk, and she admitted that once she starts drinking she struggles to stop, only stopping when the pubs or clubs close. I explained that the problem is still present in her life even though she has left me and her home..... I should just let her go! but she is a great woman (even if she stays on her own) and I genuinely don´t want to see her go down this road... again two days later, out on the drink. Don´t get me wrong, drinking is great but when emotions are high you get very depressed when the drink leaves your system. I have noticed this myself! After my drink with the Lads - the next day I felt great, the day after I felt bloody morbid!!! I am trying to establish in my own mind if I am angry about the situation or I am grieving for the loss.... more so now that I am more concerned about her drinking etc... than I am getting back together. Still confused none the less.. :-)
Author Shaun1967 Posted June 18, 2012 Author Posted June 18, 2012 I have also mentioned to her about going to the Doctor, but this gets ignored! Depression, Drink, Denial..... all scary stuff if the person suffering dosen´t realise. She dosen´t want to speak to me about these things - her friends and family say she is just letting off steam. Which could be true of course, again a concern of mine is she is going to move into her own apartment, alone and she can carry on at will......
notbroken Posted June 19, 2012 Posted June 19, 2012 Midlife crisis can definitely happen to both women and men. She wasn't happy. Unfortunately she thinks happiness will come from the 'freedom' of being single, chasing men, and partying. She likely won't find it there but your marriage will be ruined. I'm sorry, but the sooner you accept that she is gone and move on with your life the better off you will be. Do you really want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you? Can you trust her ever again? You definitely can't trust her now. She believes she has found 'freedom' or at least the freedom to mess around. 1
Author Shaun1967 Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 Midlife crisis can definitely happen to both women and men. She wasn't happy. Unfortunately she thinks happiness will come from the 'freedom' of being single, chasing men, and partying. She likely won't find it there but your marriage will be ruined. I'm sorry, but the sooner you accept that she is gone and move on with your life the better off you will be. Do you really want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you? Can you trust her ever again? You definitely can't trust her now. She believes she has found 'freedom' or at least the freedom to mess around. Yes, I agree with all of your comments. It won´t make it any easier though.... But for ME I need to crack on and get myself sorted, as she would prefer I wasn´t around. (she would even deny that) Could be a struggle though as we both work at the same place as well....... doh.... never should have took that job!!! Again I agree with you, I may be denying myself but I don´t think I am after a re-conciliation - as I am sure it would bite me in the arse again at a later date.... and you never forget stuff like this in a relationship... Cheers
seibert253 Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 FHope for the best, but plan for the worst. She's gonna cheat on you, if she hasn't already. You need to come to this realization. I can't tellyou what to do, I can only tell you what I would do if I were in your situation. I'd contact an attorney and start planning for D. If she wants S, them make it official. Have S or D papers drawn, filed, and served. I'd start changing me; hit the gym hard, buy some new theads, and be the best you, you can be. If she see's what she's missing and you're no longer playing her games, it may just bring her home. If it doesn't, well you're already ahead of the game toward healing and moving on. Best of luck mate.
Author Shaun1967 Posted June 20, 2012 Author Posted June 20, 2012 She assures me that she never cheated on me whilst we were together, not any time in the 25 years.... I never on her either. I have no reason not to believe her. The past few years her confidence has been below what she used to be - now she is regaining her confidence and Independance and now wants her own life. I woulden´t have chose this breakup but I am looking forward to my new life and I have been to buy some "pulling pants" or new threads as you call it, I am thining about the gym and might even get some contact lenses....... revamp the old model!!!!! The next big test for me is when I see her out in a compromising position with a new guy... It will happen for her as that what she needs to boost her confidence evenmore - and I know that is no reflection on me, going to hurt though... :-) I am toying about the idea of sorting out a divorce whilst things are still OK - we still have a holiday home that we need to sell, but we are totting up our money to split. Interesting, as she woulden´t expect it coming! I think the main problem at the moment is me coming to terms with it, as she used to be my best mate - maybe that was part of the problem, she might have been more of a mate than a wife. (And you dont make love to your best mate!!!!!) Sure she feels guilty about her decision but its her life and she has to discover whatever it may be. Cheers
GLDheart Posted June 20, 2012 Posted June 20, 2012 ...... I am thining about the gym and might even get some contact lenses....... revamp the old model!!!!!...... .....The next big test for me is when I see her out in a compromising position with a new guy... It will happen for her as that what she needs to boost her confidence evenmore - and I know that is no reflection on me, going to hurt though... :-) ..... ......I think the main problem at the moment is me coming to terms with it... Sure she feels guilty about her decision but its her life and she has to discover whatever it may be. Cheers These statements show me that you've got it. Just remember, she will do this with or without your blessing. DO NOT beg or get in the way. She will lose respect for you. Tell her you love her and disagree adamantly. Then step aside and point to the door. She's making a selfish choice but if its what she needs to live a life with no regrets, then who are we to judge what's right for her. If she realizes she made a mistake, this will bring her home faster than any turmoil of messy begging and fighting. Good luck to you. I hope she gets it out of her system fast and stays honest with you during this chaotic time. 1
worldgonewrong Posted June 29, 2012 Posted June 29, 2012 I suggest you hold off with any divorce proceedings. It may very well be a midlife crisis, and once she realizes she made a mistake in leaving, she will come to her senses and return to you, hopefully, before she has any intimacy with someone else. I know three cases personally of women who went through a midlife crisis. With one, she had a seemingly good marriage, and then she up and left, bought a sports car, and moved to an apartment. Left her children and the house with the husband. She did not return. They eventually divorced. With the second woman, she was determined she wanted something better, was not happy in the marriage, so she left after the last of the kids went off to college. She realized her mistake after several months, and returned to her husband, and they managed to put their relationship back together. For the third woman, her midlife crisis involved needing serious validation from other men in order to feel good about herself, so she went out and got a boob job, started flirting with other men online, and had an emotional affair with one and a physical affair with two other men. Her husband divorced her shortly thereafter. So it's possible your wife will come to her senses and realize the single life is not what she wants. Hopefully, she'll come to that realization before intimacy with others takes place. You make some interesting points here. This begs a key question: Do some way-ward wives come to their senses even AFTER they've established physical intimacy (however fleeting) with someone else???
Author Shaun1967 Posted July 14, 2012 Author Posted July 14, 2012 Well here we are - a month since my first post and things are ticking along. The wife that I am seperated from came around to day to pick the dog up! During our conversation she did tell me that she was going out on a date with a guy that she knows. She has known him from school and I have always known him to be a "dickhead" but then again at the moment there woulden´t be anyone suitable. He has always drunk excessively and is married (just split). Just what she needs to boost her confidence though - if it wasn´t him it would be the next guy that asked her out!!!!!! Good luck to her - I have to say that I have often thought about this scenario and I don´t too feel to bad about it - I guess its only a date, but I am sure it will develop into something. When you get drunk everything seems fine!!!! I told her it could be a point of no going back. More importantly, at least I know where I stand. I am free to do the same without thinking I am cheating. It will be hard, as I took the vows and believed them....... I still do feel down and sometimes depressed when I get lonely. That confuses me sometimes - as I am not sure if its being lonely or I am genuinely missing her that gets me down, as I am quite a social guy and enjoy peoples company! I often overthink my situation and think I will be on my own, at least its summer and I havent got the long winter nights to contend with - I also feel some shame that my wife has felt the need to leave after all these years!!! I am working on myself, going to he gym etc.. and doing the usual stuff to keep active and make myself feel better. I feel in better shape now than I have in the 25yrs with her!!!!!!! have just got more grey hair!! Out with the lads tonight - so tonight could be the start of something good!
FryFish Posted July 14, 2012 Posted July 14, 2012 You shouldnt believe everything she tells you so eagerly.
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