if.they.only.knew Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 Hi everyone. I just found this page, read a few posts and realized this seems like the group of people that could give some genuine nonbiased advice. Short background, we have been married for 10 years. My husband is in the Military, we have 3 children.. one of which is chronically ill. We had a very big issue during his last deployment and things just never seemed to truly pick up from there. When our child got very sick last year, I obviously take most care of them.. he just doesn't seem to handle it well. I feel as though he resents her for her illnesses, in a sense that our entire family life revolves around her and our activities revolve around what she can and can't do. I.E, what restaurants she can eat at (life threatening food allergies), camping (asthma, severe eczema and allergies) etc. He seems to have zero compassion or empathy or for and what she goes through, you know? Give the kid a genuine hug and tell her you love her. He is very, very distant from the family. Doesn't like to go anywhere with us. So we go everywhere alone (the movies, park, mall, school functions, birthday parties etc). It has come to the point that the kids don't even ask anymore. If it is something he is interested in, then he will go. When he is home, he really isn't there.. if that makes sense? He just exists. He doesn't interact, I am not sure if he just doesn't how or what. He hates eating dinner at the table, so most the time he will eat alone in front of the tv. He hates taking the kids to bed because they get read a book (they are 9,7 and 5) and apparently that takes "too much time". It just saddens me, he will deploying again soon (his 3rd) and I feel he needs to spend this time with his children (they are all girls). When it comes to our relationship, we have no common interests. And he does make that very clear. We seem to just coexist. I miss enjoying the time we shared, I miss laughing and smiling and actually wanting to spend time with him. We never see eye to eye on anything, mainly with the children.. it seems as though we are always on different pages. When it comes to our daughters health, he doesn't believe she has as many "problems" as the Dr's say she does. One of her issues is a Vocal Cord Dysfunction. It is not very common and quite scary. He doesn't believe it, and will literally harass her during an attack. To me, he very cruel to her and puts her down. Calling her "baby" saying that "she is always crying all the time like a big ole baby". I will always stand up for her. She always suffers from Migraines he tells her "you know, I have migraines.. you just have to learn to deal with the pain and get over it". I tell him that is not appropriate to say to a child. This poor child suffers daily from her conditions. Being hospitalized for over a week for severe anemia (out of nowhere), it was horrendous.. just scary. She has a disease called Eosinophilic Esophagatis... it causes some of the worse stomach pains you could ever imagine. This 9 year old little girl has bleeding ulcers and yet she feels she is "losing" if she cries because daddy says she cries too much? When she has a vocal cord and asthma attack at the same, it is one of the most scariest things you can ever witness. Usually, best case is she will pass out from oxygen deprivation and the vocal cords will relax and open up. To have your father there yelling at you to stop exaggerating, and that he knows you can breathe.. is just horrible. I promised her I would never let him treat her that way again. I have been doing my best to suck up to him, do everything I can to make his home life as easy going as possible.. thinking if I do everything he wants, he will be happier. - He didn't like my personality (too outgoing, talking too much etc). I completely changed.. now he hates it because I am such an introvert. But I actually like it more now and said I wasn't going to change. - he didn't like my way of disciplining the children, so I changed that also and went to what they do on tv (the timeouts where pretty much the kids try and escape 100 times, you put them back 100). Apparently, that wasn't fair becuase our youngest (at first) would take about 45-60 minutes to calm down before her time out started. - "you know, you can keep the house, garage and everything very clean (we have a 3 story townhome with a 2 car tandem garage) so, I dont understand why you can't keep the car as equally clean" ( nothing is ever good enough for him) - I have lost 25lbs in 2.5 months (you know, you need to work out at the gym also, dieting and doing the wii zumba thing isnt enough). Well, I am sorry dear, I do what I can. With our daughters appointments, it makes it impossible to make time for myself. (mind you, I am not even that over weight lol). - I have 3 "hobbies" gardening, couponing and hairbow making. All benefit the family, I try to not let it interfere with home life, but our daughters medical and gas expenses (her specialists are very far) costs alot of money and I do what I can, you know? He isnt very pleased with this. But I do it so that we can afford to do nice things. It seems as though this man can never be pleased. I have done everything he has asked. I am beginning to see that there is nothing any of us can do to make this man happy. He always says right off the bat that he will not go to counseling at all, not even a possibility. When it has come to the point that everyone in the house is miserable and looks forward to when he it gone for training, something has to happen. Currently he is out training. The morning that he was to leave he completely blew up on me again. Saying that we have nothing in common, we have nothing. I say what can I do to make you happy, I am trying. He says, maybe some people are just meant to be unhappy. He says that he looks forward to leaving, it is a weight off his shoulders because she doesn't have to deal with all the bull at home. (I would say most of our fights originate from the kids and disagreements on how they should be raised or treated, I prefer the loving approach and spending lots of time with them). The night he left he said to me, I know too little too late but I am sorry for the way I have been. And I am like, really? Again (as this happens all the time). Since he has been gone, we have had a few fights (again about the kids and us). I have a habit of not saying I love you when I am angry, I cringe at the words. I am at the point where I know this marriage is over, I know the children will be better off not living under the same roof but the thought of actually ending this relationship scares me. I am the type of person who just hates when people are upset with me, I do everything in my power to make people happy. But, I do have a line that is not to be crossed. And that is my children, when you start to mistreat them... we have a big effin problem. I wont talk to our friends and family, I dont want them thinking less of him. He is not physically abusive, he would never go out to hurt us.. I believe he will become incredibly depressed at the idea (when he left he told me on the phone, that is problem is that he doesn't realize what he has until he is gone... dont they all?). I dont know how to leave. I wont even be able to talk to him until next weekend, and when he comes back he will only be here for 2 weeks before leaving again for more training. I guess I am looking for reassurance, I know you guys don't know the whole story. I know that I am not as bad as person as he makes me feel. I work so hard to take care of our kids, our home, our lives, our everything. He honestly, doesn't even know how to write a check! Or how to pay a bill.. he has never had to do anything for himself. I mostly do not want my children looking at us, thinking this is an acceptable relationship. I have always thought, to stay together for the kids. Nope, I will not. Even if I never ever remarry, I will atleast show them how not to live in an unhappy home. If anyone has stuck through this novel, thank you so much. I appreciate it so much!
K Os Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 I have always thought, to stay together for the kids. Nope, I will not. Even if I never ever remarry, I will at least show them how not to live in an unhappy home. Absolutely. Gets my vote. My wife is leaving me, and I'm currently one of the most miserable people on the planet, but this is still right. She's offered to live together as 'friends', but Nope, I will not. Kids growing up need to learn what a loving home is, whether that's with both parents together or only one at a time. I wouldn't want to advise anyone that leaving a marriage with kids is a 'good' option, but I completely agree that staying in an unhappy relationship just so your kids can learn what an unhappy relationship looks like is a downward spiral. Best wishes to you.
96nole Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 I've never been in the military, but I wonder how much if his issues are because of him being in the military. He tells your daughter to essentially toughen up. That sounds like something military guys will say to each other, since they aren't going to show weakness. He's been deployed twice already and about to leave for his third. There is no telling what he's seen or been through. Not that any of it excuses his actions. Was he always this was towards you and your children? You may want to talk to a counselor that specializes in military personnel. He may have a bit a PTSD.
onthefence210 Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 It sounds like emotional abuse to me. I grew up military, my father was in the navy until I was 16. We weren't even in a major crisis like our military seems to be now. He was very emotionally abusive to my mom and my mom eventually had a nervous breakdown (I didn't kno this til I was all grown up and dealing with my own emotionally abusive H). You are right to see that you can not allow for this in your house, around your kids. They too will see this as normal and find someone just like him or just like you. I think there are resources for spouses in the military for help. Even if you need to bring this to his commanders attention. The funny thing about boundaries is that we have them yet we don't know how to follow thru with a consequence without it sounding like an ultimatum. But I know first hand that idle threats get you nowhere but in the hell that I'm in with my very controlling H. Take the time while he's away to get yourself some help. Also there's a great network of woman out there on firstwivesworld.com who have been thru what u are going thru and some are military spouses. They have been a great source of strength for me. Wishing you peace in your life and a good book for u might be Boundaries in your marriage (I may have that wrong).
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