How does your own attractiveness define what you consider attractive?

[threebyfate]

Ah I feel like lots of people on here like to pretend that we live in some fantasy land full of bunnies and rainbows where looks of the partner and our own looks are not considered to any great extent.

 

I am not saying that anyone consciously judges the other and gives them a mark. It's subconscious and I am sure that all your partners (to the people "we don't pick others based on looks scale") are in the similar ballpark of attractiveness, as was every other long term partner that you had. Doesn't matter how you arrived there.

 

I was simply more aware of the process of physical attraction and broke it down to numbers....because well, I like numbers

Whether you intended to include me in the rainbows and bunnies crowd, I can say that you've misinterpreted my post, if so. It was in reference to comparing, rather than saying that looks have nothing to do with attraction. Looks do have impact but using my own looks as a guideline to measuring how good-looking a man must or should be, doesn't factor as an element to attraction.

[jobaba]

It really pulls my heart strings how people here are standing up for the beautiful people. Lepers, orphans and beautiful people

 

I have to agree completely with the analysis earlier, that in High school (before they can go out to big nightclubs and other shrines of indiscriminate woman worship) and later on in late 20's/early 30's women are way easier to get along with than in their 20's. Women in their 20's have the attention span of a downy at a Pink Floyd laser show, regardless of what they say they simply don't want any real long lasting connections with men, just to sleep with the superficially hottest guy possible (and replace him like one of her 50 pairs of shoes when an even hotter guy moves into the picture).

 

Women in their early 20's are playing the field, book closed. Unless you are much better looking than the target woman in this demographic, it's a waste of time.

 

Unfortunately nowadays, many women are staying this way forever, look at the whole MILF phenomenon. I find the woman complaints about men going for younger women to be a relic of the past, now its the other way around. Go to the bar and all the man-eaters with 5 divorces under their belt in their 40's and 50's are there waiting to feel up some guy in his 20's and are much more successful in getting what they want than the guy in his 40's who even tries to start a conversation with a younger woman (or even a woman his own age!). Even the really rich old guys are having trouble these days, didn't Hugh Hefners woman run out on the wedding day?

 

What's the word for a woman in her 40's that trolls for sex at bars and nightclubs with men half her age? COUGAR; empowering supposedly. But a man the same age? DIRTY OLD MAN. In america everything men do starts off with a handicap.

 

Wolfie, is that you?

[LittleTiger]

Ah I feel like lots of people on here like to pretend that we live in some fantasy land full of bunnies and rainbows where looks of the partner and our own looks are not considered to any great extent.

 

I am not saying that anyone consciously judges the other and gives them a mark. It's subconscious and I am sure that all your partners (to the people "we don't pick others based on looks scale") are in the similar ballpark of attractiveness, as was every other long term partner that you had. Doesn't matter how you arrived there.

 

No, they are not in the same 'ball park' - not even close.

 

I don't personally hold with the idea of 'leagues' but, at my age, I have dated a lot of guys in the past. From a purely objective viewpoint and referring only to external 'looks', I think they ranged from anywhere between a 1 and a 10. That, of course, is based on my own perception of what a 1 or a 10 (or anything inbetween) might look like.

 

I am attracted to the men I am attracted to - for all sorts of reasons - my own looks don't come into it in any way.

 

The most important factor in determing whether a couple are well matched in terms of how they look is probably that both people are 'proud' to be seen with their partner and consider themselves very lucky to be in that relationship. In that case it doesn't matter at all where you might consider yourself or your partner to be in the imaginary leagues tables.

[zengirl]

If it's "subconscious" as people say, how can you say you do it OR don't do it? The people who believe it exists in this thread keep saying "it's subconscious" to anyone who disagrees, but I think that's a flimsy defense. At any rate, not everyone's subconscious is going to work the same as everyone else's!

 

So you're advising me to start hitting on hot guys? Really, Zengirl, is this all gonna end well?

 

I never really advise people to 'hit on' anyone, but I see nothing wrong with getting to know and flirt with any men you find attractive to see if there is synergy there, regardless of how you would rank them as 'hot' or 'less hot.' I would hope you would only flirt with men you, personally, found attractive. As to leagues, I'm not a believer in them. Your league is anyone who you'd go out with who would go out with you, which is impossible to know by looking at people, unless you're looking for wedding rings or sourpusses or something.

 

I was going to add this but didn't edit in time - there's only one thing about my relative attractiveness that I think has altered my perception of others' - my age. I honestly find older guys (40 plus) hot now, in a way I didn't used to. I wonder how much of that is biology vs. socialization vs.....eh, whatever, they're hot.

 

I think that's partially about how we grow and what we see. I *do* think that what we see repeatedly impacts our attraction levels. For instance, after living in Asia for a couple of years (Korea & Japan), I found many Asian guys more attractive than I did before I went. I think that's more an emotional difference. Growing up, the only Asian men I regularly encountered were my Dad and male relatives on his side - none of which I particularly liked, and my Dad was a deadbeat. Living in whole countries with mostly Asian men, many of whom were perfectly nice people, somehow 'reset' that emotional button. I also think as we age, we just look for different things, and we definitely look for some commonality to THAT degree (even if they're objective hot, someone who's young and so obviously different, even by looking at them, begins to seem tedious - EH wrote a great post on feeling people were too young not to long ago).

 

But I don't think that's really all about our own level of attractiveness, as much as it's about our experiences and identity, which is made up of A LOT more than how we look.

 

I guess what this shows is that some people get into relationships when they know their partners reasonably well' date=' whilst others get to know their partners primarily within the relationship? Or am I off here?[/quote']

 

I'm not sure how that relates to THIS question, but I've done both. Dated strangers and friends. Hubby was a stranger I met online.

[d'Arthez]

I'm not sure how that relates to THIS question, but I've done both. Dated strangers and friends. Hubby was a stranger I met online.

I'd venture to guess that you spoke for quite some time with him, before you actually started dating him? Rather than a few messages on an OLD site?

[zengirl]

I'd venture to guess that you spoke for quite some time with him' date=' before you actually started dating him? Rather than a few messages on an OLD site?[/quote']

 

Oh, yes, I loved OLD because you could write back and forth a lot, and read detailed profiles, and get a 'feel' for a person. We wrote daily messages for a few weeks, I think.

[d'Arthez]

Key is a few weeks of exchanging messages back and forth. Rather than "ZOMG! I love the kitteh in your profile pic! Awesome! Can we meet up?"

 

You obviously engaged in meaningful conversation to get to know him a bit better before meeting up. I am a firm believer that you can get a good feel of a person, and how a person works through online correspondence; reading about how they perceive themselves. You do need to have a good intuition about people, so you can separate the real from the unreal.

 

Real-time communication (chat for instance) is even better, because then you don't give the other person 2 hours to write a decent message. They have to relate to you on the spot. In the case of the two of you not sharing the same first language, you get a real gauge of language fluency as well.

 

That is not however, how most people go about dating it seems.

[skippercollector]

I am a woman, and I've always considered myself a 4 in attractiveness. 5, I can manage a few times a year, and I think I've been up to 6 once or twice in my life. Unfortunately, I've never found the male 4's that I've met over the years to be attractive, either physically or emotionally.

What makes it worse is that I live in a town with a much larger female than male population. Actually, many of the 4 guys are "taken" as well. So the 1's and 2's seem to worship me. I'm talking about homeless guys, morbidly obese men, men with substance abuse problems, men with police records, etc.

Verhzon, have you ever encountered this? I know I am older than you are, but you are the only person here who has had the same experiences that I have had.

[TheFinalWord]

Finalword, I don't think we are "genetically programmed" with any certainly one way over the other. You began your post with this but when you got into the meat of it, you talked about other factors that are truly better for the survival of a healthy relationship. In all things, I think nature comes down to balance.

 

And it's not simply just me that like young, healthy desirable men. Women and men that are younger tend to be stereotypically more attractive then either of their counterparts. That is, if you only justify health and beauty one way. I simply dislike when we say "men are biologically driven for the youngest hottest women." Women aren't much more different. But I do find that women usually seek out learning more about themselves emotionally in relationships that they more easily/quickly seem to learn that other factors can be much more healthy then just the hot guy.

 

But I'm with you on the rest of your post.

 

As long as you are really into your partner and not dating women you find compatible on a loyatly level then looking to spank the monkey to 18 year olds through porn.

 

Good follow up

 

I agree with you! I was only speaking from a guy's perspective. I'm sure women are the same way, like you said

 

Either way, the "youth" angle is just surface, physical attraction IMHO.

 

At a certain point I think this purely physical drive fades because of common sense and experience. At least it has for me. You need to have equal maturity levels or there will be constant turmoil

[verhrzn]

I never really advise people to 'hit on' anyone, but I see nothing wrong with getting to know and flirt with any men you find attractive to see if there is synergy there, regardless of how you would rank them as 'hot' or 'less hot.' I would hope you would only flirt with men you, personally, found attractive. As to leagues, I'm not a believer in them. Your league is anyone who you'd go out with who would go out with you, which is impossible to know by looking at people, unless you're looking for wedding rings or sourpusses or something.

 

I only flirt with guys I have a chance with... so, usually I end up flirting with guys I don't necessarily find physically attractive, but whom I find emotionally attractive. Usually as I get to know their personality, I grow to find them sexually attractive as well and their "bad" looks become a moot point.

 

In other words, if I find a guy physically attractive off the bat, I don't flirt with him, I stay the heck away from him. If I find a guy "neutrally" attractive or even unattractive, I will talk to him, and begin to flirt if I sense a good personality.

 

I think this is absolutely the best way to go about things, as I never end up entangling by unrealistic expectations when it comes to looks. I never have to worry about shooting "outside" my league, because I avoid guys who could be construed as traditionally attractive.