How does your own attractiveness define what you consider attractive?

[ThaWholigan]

My own attractiveness has never been a factor in what I find attractive personally. I am happy with the way I look, although I could be a lot fitter and have a better body, but that's within my control largely.

 

Generally, I can be absolute when it comes to what I like. If I find something sexy about a girl, I find her attractive, even if it's one small thing. And I apply that very broadly, so there isn't too many girls I find unattractive, even though I can be picky when it comes to the crunch.

 

I don't really adhere to leagues or ratings or anything like that, so if I think someone is hot, she's hot to me and that's it. If she thinks I'm hot too, great. That's about as deeply as I get into it, when it comes to relative physical attractiveness in comparison to each other.

[somedude81]

I don't want a woman who looks worse then I do nor do I see a reason why I should.

 

I also know that women way above me in looks, would have no desire to be with a man who looks worse than they do.

 

So that window of not being substantially less attractive than me or more attractive than me, has been shaped by how attractive I perceive myself to be. Now if only I could meet a girl who thinks the same way.

[CarboniteCammy]

Before my husband, I had a thing for guys with unusual features. Not necessarily ugly, but just striking. Most of my female friends would think they were ugly dudes, but I find beauty in extremes.

 

My husband is more what more people consider "hot" as he has very regular features, square jaw, beautiful brown eyes, that type of thing.

[threebyfate]

I honestly don't understand the attitudes with all the comparisons between self and potential partner where it impacts on who you're attracted to. How can you control attraction to this degree?

 

For myself, I'm attracted to whom I'm attracted to, where what I believe of myself has no reflection on this. I've never run around selecting partners based on what "level" I believe myself to be at.

[ThaWholigan]

I honestly don't understand the attitudes with all the comparisons between self and potential partner where it impacts on who you're attracted to. How can you control attraction to this degree?

 

For myself, I'm attracted to whom I'm attracted to, where what I believe of myself has no reflection on this. I've never run around selecting partners based on what "level" I believe myself to be at.

This^^^

 

Put it way better than I did .

[zengirl]

I honestly don't understand the attitudes with all the comparisons between self and potential partner where it impacts on who you're attracted to. How can you control attraction to this degree?

 

For myself, I'm attracted to whom I'm attracted to, where what I believe of myself has no reflection on this. I've never run around selecting partners based on what "level" I believe myself to be at.

 

I know. Doesn't level gauging just sound exhausting?

[ThaWholigan]

I know. Doesn't level gauging just sound exhausting?

I find it much more worthy of my time admiring a woman's physical and mental beauty rather than analyzing how attractive she is on a scale. How counterproductive

[jobaba]

I honestly don't understand the attitudes with all the comparisons between self and potential partner where it impacts on who you're attracted to. How can you control attraction to this degree?

 

For myself, I'm attracted to whom I'm attracted to, where what I believe of myself has no reflection on this. I've never run around selecting partners based on what "level" I believe myself to be at.

 

I know. Doesn't level gauging just sound exhausting?

 

It's subconscious.

 

There's a woman I see in one of my classes who I think is very attractive. If I were a good looking man, the chances of me thinking that would probably be small or at least much smaller.

 

Most people don't quite realize it, but they have a subconscious cutoff based on their own life experiences of either their own attractiveness or what they can get.

 

But most people aren't like me. And it's because they are conditioned by what they look like themselves and what they

[verhrzn]

Having read ES's post, I've reconsidered my position and decided that my own level of attractiveness would effect who I find attractive.

 

For example, I would never, ever want to date a traditionally "hot" guy, because being with someone who is outside my league would make me very uncomfortable and insecure. I actually have (as demonstrated in other threads) an aversion to traditionally attractive men, as I feel like they are going to hurt or injure me in some emotional way.

[verhrzn]

I know. Doesn't level gauging just sound exhausting?

 

It's automatically for me. I don't even think about it... I see an attractive guy, and my "Grr" tendencies go straight up. It's barely conscious, so it's not like I'm putting all of this energy into weighing "He's a 9, but with his lack of X, he's more of a 7 1/2, and I'm a 6...."

[zengirl]

I think there's a difference between:

 

*Does your level of attractiveness determine . . .

 

and

 

*Does your level of self-esteem determine . . .

 

that is not being established, really. I hear a lot of people saying their low self esteem, esp. in regards to how they look, determines them to avoid people they see as more attractive (though recognizing them as attractive then disproves the whole "not considering them attractive" idea), and that I certainly believe! But it's not really the same question.

[verhrzn]

I think there's a difference between:

 

*Does your level of attractiveness determine . . .

 

and

 

*Does your level of self-esteem determine . . .

 

that is not being established, really. I hear a lot of people saying their low self esteem, esp. in regards to how they look, determines them to avoid people they see as more attractive (though recognizing them as attractive then disproves the whole "not considering them attractive" idea), and that I certainly believe! But it's not really the same question.

 

I disagree. My mother is endlessly saying that she recognized Brad Pitt as attractive, but would never be attracted to him in real life. It's kind of how I can look at my male friends and recognize that they are aesthetically pleasing, but emotionally/sexually I see them as Ken dolls.

 

Is it really low self-esteem to speculate that you are in a lower league than someone else, and thus don't bother wasting the energy being attracted to them? That just seems realistic, and seems to fit the question.

[d'Arthez]

Eye candy does nothing for me. They may be aesthetically pleasing but attractive? Nope. It is pointless to me saying say Irina Shayk, Jennifer Aniston, or whatever celebrity is attractive.

 

To me attraction is an interpersonal attribute. I don't have a real relationship to 2D images.

[zengirl]

I will grant you there is a difference between being attracted to someone and recognizing them as objectively attractive (though I would put 'consider attractive' in the latter category, as it's a logical word - consider - being asked), so some semantics there.

 

HOWEVER, if your attraction is determined based on whether or not you think you can pull someone, based on their attractiveness, then yes, I'd say that's low self esteem.

 

What I mean is it's one thing to say, "Yes, I can see that Brad Pitt is attractive, but he's not my type and doesn't really make my lady parts buzz" or whatever and another to say, "Brad Pitt is so attractive I'm not attracted to him because he'd never go out with me!" While it's good to realize that Brad Pitt is probably never going to go out with you (whoever you are, really), I don't think basing your attraction on such things is really natural or done unless you have low self esteem. Whether I'm attracted to a man or not has literally nothing to do with whether or not I think I'd be successful, as far as I can tell.

[verhrzn]

I will grant you there is a difference between being attracted to someone and recognizing them as objectively attractive (though I would put 'consider attractive' in the latter category, as it's a logical word - consider - being asked), so some semantics there.

 

HOWEVER, if your attraction is determined based on whether or not you think you can pull someone, based on their attractiveness, then yes, I'd say that's low self esteem.

 

What I mean is it's one thing to say, "Yes, I can see that Brad Pitt is attractive, but he's not my type and doesn't really make my lady parts buzz" or whatever and another to say, "Brad Pitt is so attractive I'm not attracted to him because he'd never go out with me!" While it's good to realize that Brad Pitt is probably never going to go out with you (whoever you are, really), I don't think basing your attraction on such things is really natural or done unless you have low self esteem. Whether I'm attracted to a man or not has literally nothing to do with whether or not I think I'd be successful, as far as I can tell.

 

Hmm, I'm still confused why you think it's low self-esteem, and not just natural "culling."

 

Let's say I'm lactose intolerant, and I see some ice cream. It makes a lot of sense for my body to go," That looks delicious, but I can't have it, so I'm going to convince myself it's not delicious." The alternative is," That looks delicious, but I can't have it, but it looks so delicious."

 

If I can't have something, my natural tendency is to stop wanting it as soon as possible. How is that low self-esteem?

[pteromom]

Most people don't quite realize it, but they have a subconscious cutoff based on their own life experiences of either their own attractiveness or what they can get.

 

I don't necessarily agree. I can see an extremely good looking guy, and I may think he is attractive. And I will likely flirt with him, even if he is technically "out of my league" looks-wise. And if he flirts back, awesome. And if he doesn't, I had fun flirting anyway.

 

Now, there are some attributes of a guy who would be considered extremely good looking that may not fit with my life. For example, if someone spends two hours a day in a gym and spends a lot of time talking about the gym and supplements and nutrition, that wouldn't be compatible with my life. But it wouldn't stop me from enjoying an evening or two or three with someone like that. LOL

 

As far as how my own attractiveness defines what I consider attractive, I would say I am attracted to the male version of myself too, just like v said. Tall, just a little chubby, big smile, happy, clean-cut. But it isn't due to not being able to attract a better looking guy. That's just what I find attractive.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

It doesn't - not at all!

 

I don't even understand the question really. What difference do my own looks or personality make in deciding who I am going to be attracted to? I am attracted to guys for all sorts of reasons - sometimes they are objectively 'hot', other times they are not. My attraction is NEVER based on how attractive I am.

 

The only way I can relate to what you are asking is in terms of looks 'declining' as we age. I am 47 and haven't noticed any difference in my own level of attractiveness (if such a thing exists) as I have got older. I have the same number of guys coming on to me as I ever did and, as has always been the case, most of them are a similar age to me. Likewise the guys I am attracted to have got older in line with my own age.

 

I might see an objectively attractive man half my age and appreciate his looks but my reasons for not pursuing him would be down to the difference in age and life experience rather than any perception that I couldn't 'catch' him because he was younger (and therefore apparently hotter?) than I am.

 

So, objectively, my level of physical attractiveness has probably dropped because of my age, but I have noticed no difference in either the 'hotness' level of guys who are attracted to me, or the 'hotness' level of those I find attractive.

 

This sums it up for me as well. Like LittleTiger, I wasn't sure I understood the question either. I have been turned off by stereotypically "hot" guys. But I also have been turned on by them. I have been turned off by average guys or even "ugly" guys but I have also been turned on by average guys and even ones that some might consider "ugly". Some of the best sex I ever had was with a man that was not stereotypically hot by society standards. But I was really attracted to him and the sex was great. Chemistry is so much better then physical looks.

 

I also think that we are more liable to be attracted concerning relationships with our opposite parent more then our relationship with ourselves just on base attraction. Whether that relationship was good or not, we may find ourselves leaning to or away from people like our parents. My one girlfriend's father is a doctor name Jay. She married a doctor named Jay. Physically they are completely different but they are certainly similiar in other regards, her father and husband.

 

I think I actually tend to like guys that are the opposite of me though. I'm not really a fan of metrosexual guys. I don't mind a little rough around the edges. But my Dad owned his own trucking/farming business and I like guys that get their hands dirty and I think it's because I was influenced by the type of man my father was.

 

I think there are many reasons why we find certain people attractive or not and a lot of it has to do with our own early relationships, the messages we pick up from friends, family or the media, and our own biologica make-up.

[zengirl]

Hmm, I'm still confused why you think it's low self-esteem, and not just natural "culling."

 

Let's say I'm lactose intolerant, and I see some ice cream. It makes a lot of sense for my body to go," That looks delicious, but I can't have it, so I'm going to convince myself it's not delicious." The alternative is," That looks delicious, but I can't have it, but it looks so delicious."

 

If I can't have something, my natural tendency is to stop wanting it as soon as possible. How is that low self-esteem?

 

The phenomenon you're talking about is called Sour Grapes, which mostly comes from jealousy and insecurity, two things that are often linked to low self-esteem.

 

Ice cream isn't any less delicious if you can't have it. Though I hardly think the comparison is REALLY apt because it's a known physical reaction you'll have to eating lactose (being sick) which really doesn't apply to gauging attractiveness.

[jobaba]

I will grant you there is a difference between being attracted to someone and recognizing them as objectively attractive (though I would put 'consider attractive' in the latter category, as it's a logical word - consider - being asked), so some semantics there.

 

HOWEVER, if your attraction is determined based on whether or not you think you can pull someone, based on their attractiveness, then yes, I'd say that's low self esteem.

 

What I mean is it's one thing to say, "Yes, I can see that Brad Pitt is attractive, but he's not my type and doesn't really make my lady parts buzz" or whatever and another to say, "Brad Pitt is so attractive I'm not attracted to him because he'd never go out with me!" While it's good to realize that Brad Pitt is probably never going to go out with you (whoever you are, really), I don't think basing your attraction on such things is really natural or done unless you have low self esteem. Whether I'm attracted to a man or not has literally nothing to do with whether or not I think I'd be successful, as far as I can tell.

 

I don't necessarily agree. I can see an extremely good looking guy, and I may think he is attractive. And I will likely flirt with him, even if he is technically "out of my league" looks-wise. And if he flirts back, awesome. And if he doesn't, I had fun flirting anyway.

 

Now, there are some attributes of a guy who would be considered extremely good looking that may not fit with my life. For example, if someone spends two hours a day in a gym and spends a lot of time talking about the gym and supplements and nutrition, that wouldn't be compatible with my life. But it wouldn't stop me from enjoying an evening or two or three with someone like that. LOL

 

As far as how my own attractiveness defines what I consider attractive, I would say I am attracted to the male version of myself too, just like v said. Tall, just a little chubby, big smile, happy, clean-cut. But it isn't due to not being able to attract a better looking guy. That's just what I find attractive.

 

I think it more determines your lower limit than upper limit in most cases though.

 

Like I see lots of women who are average looking and lusting after and pursuing very attractive men. Men too, but I think women are slightly more apt to do this. I know I'll catch flak for that, but it's my opinion.

 

Like I said, I find a very wide range of women attractive and I think if I were better looking that range would be lowered considerably.

[verhrzn]

The phenomenon you're talking about is called Sour Grapes, which mostly comes from jealousy and insecurity, two things that are often linked to low self-esteem.

 

Ice cream isn't any less delicious if you can't have it. Though I hardly think the comparison is REALLY apt because it's a known physical reaction you'll have to eating lactose (being sick) which really doesn't apply to gauging attractiveness.

 

I'm still not convinced it's either jealousy or insecurity, but a form of self-protection. If you know you're not gonna get that attractive something, then it is far better to NOT be attracted to it right off the bat, than be attracted, get rejected, and turn bitter, yes?

 

Not being attracted to people who are outside your league is just a smart idea. Why do you think it ties back to insecurity?

[pteromom]

I think it more determines your lower limit than upper limit in most cases though.

 

Maybe. But I don't really think I have a "lower limit" as much as certain characteristics I just find unappealing.

 

It's not like I see a guy and think "Oh, he's beneath me, and I can do better than that!" That spark of attraction is either there or it isn't. And there's been a wide range of men I have felt it with, from incredibly gorgeous, to subjectively below average, and everything in between.

 

Even if someone isn't great looking, the way he looks at me or something he says that resonates with me will make him more attractive to me.

[zengirl]

I'm still not convinced it's either jealousy or insecurity, but a form of self-protection. If you know you're not gonna get that attractive something, then it is far better to NOT be attracted to it right off the bat, than be attracted, get rejected, and turn bitter, yes?

 

Not being attracted to people who are outside your league is just a smart idea. Why do you think it ties back to insecurity?

 

Do you think everyone can get everything they want? Do you really think it's healthy to devalue something just because you can't get it? That's what Sour Grapes is. Most of self-protection/defense mechanisms comes from insecurity as well. Why is the self so vulnerable that not getting something it wants could damage it so? That's because of low self-esteem and a low sense of self.

 

I've faced loads of rejection -- some of it pretty ugly -- personally and professionally in my life. I've not gotten loads of things I wanted. Pretending they weren't great never helped me do anything except become more mediocre and bitter. When I accepted that I wouldn't always get what I want and that was okay and no reflection on me, I became much happier.

[jobaba]

Maybe. But I don't really think I have a "lower limit" as much as certain characteristics I just find unappealing.

 

It's not like I see a guy and think "Oh, he's beneath me, and I can do better than that!" That spark of attraction is either there or it isn't. And there's been a wide range of men I have felt it with, from incredibly gorgeous, to subjectively below average, and everything in between.

 

Even if someone isn't great looking, the way he looks at me or something he says that resonates with me will make him more attractive to me.

 

Yea, that's what I'm saying. That spark is determined by your level of attractiveness and what you can get, mostly subconsciously.

 

Although there are many people who would say "Oh, he's/she's beneath me" flat out."

 

If our intrinsic level of attraction was determined at birth and totally subjective and involuntary, then nobody here would be complaining about being ugly, because everybody would have had a high number of people who would have wanted to jump their bones by now.

[verhrzn]

Do you think everyone can get everything they want? Do you really think it's healthy to devalue something just because you can't get it? That's what Sour Grapes is. Most of self-protection/defense mechanisms comes from insecurity as well. Why is the self so vulnerable that not getting something it wants could damage it so? That's because of low self-esteem and a low sense of self.

 

I've faced loads of rejection -- some of it pretty ugly -- personally and professionally in my life. I've not gotten loads of things I wanted. Pretending they weren't great never helped me do anything except become more mediocre and bitter. When I accepted that I wouldn't always get what I want and that was okay and no reflection on me, I became much happier.

 

Perhaps, but we're not discussing all things. We're discussing dating, in particular. And when I get rejected by someone outside of my attractiveness league, that IS a reflection on me.

 

And saying that you're not attracted to something isn't necessarily devaluing it. You're not making any kind of value judgement at all... it's merely a gut-reaction, instant-feeling, "not into it."

 

Okay, let me try it another way. If I came onto these boards, and cried about how I couldn't get the hot guy to notice me, most (reasonable) responses would warn me about having realistic expectations, and about not straying outside my league. Stop being attracted to what you can't have. Judge your attractiveness by what you can attract, etc.

 

I think you would probably be among the posters who encouraged realistic standards and expectations. So, why is sour grapes/insecurity for me to not bother being attracted in the first place? It saves me the rigamoarole of being attracted/rejected; I don't have to bother at all.

Wouldn't you agree that that's a good thing?

[pteromom]

Yea, that's what I'm saying. That spark is determined by your level of attractiveness and what you can get, mostly subconsciously.

 

That spark is determined by a connection. Could be a physical connection; could be an intellectual connection; could be just a joke a person makes that resonates with someone else.

 

I would rate myself a 7 (for my age - I'm sure I'd rate lower to all the 20-somethings in here LOL). Not supermodel gorgeous, but not ugly either. But I don't see a guy who is a 10 and say "Oh, I couldn't get him." I know I have a lot to offer, and if I am attracted to him, I'll put it out there, and see if he responds.

 

Although there are many people who would say "Oh, he's/she's beneath me" flat out."

I agree, but the rest of us don't want someone who would think that way.

 

If our intrinsic level of attraction was determined at birth and totally subjective and involuntary, then nobody here would be complaining about being ugly, because everybody would have had a high number of people who would have wanted to jump their bones by now.

I don't think it is determined at birth. I agree with the posters that it is largely based on your opposite-sex parent and the stimuli that surrounded you as a child, especially around puberty-age. If your first crush was a very athletic guy with a big nose, you'll find yourself noticing athletic guys with big noses. If your first crush was a curvy latino girl, you'll find yourself attracted to that type.

 

I think that initial attraction is involuntary, but most people don't go by that initial attraction. A spark can come out of nowhere, even from someone you hadn't previously noticed.

 

How many times have you had a dream about someone you weren't particularly attracted to in real life, then ended up crushing on them for several days after, just based on your feelings in that dream? There's a lot more to attraction than where someone rates on the 1-10 scale.

 

As far as the people who feel they are ugly not having a large number of people trying to jump their bones, I think that has a lot more to do with the lack of confidence they display, their feelings about themselves, and their preconceived notion that nobody will find them attractive. If you go out into the world thinking that nobody will find you attractive, you 1. won't attempt to create that spark with anyone, and 2. will assume someone isn't interested so won't recognize someone else open to creating that spark with you.