aggresiveness

[eleanorhurting]

I have always had low self esteem. I have tried to work on it and I have had my highs and my lows.

 

But last year was a low. Like an ultimate low. I had so much guilt and I did not think very highly of myself. Come to think of it, most of medical school has been a low. But last year was the worst.

 

After being depressed and getting therapy, I tried to work on becoming more assertive because my therapist let me know that as a result of my low self esteem I had become very passive and basically had been a doormat.

 

So I started not being afraid to speak up after that.

 

But looking back over the last 8 months, I think I might have gone too far. Because I was looking at some pictures of when I started medical school and I realized that I now have personal issues with a LOT of people. Because they did something that seriously upset me, I spoke up about it in an aggressive manner and then I just proceeded to completely cut them out of my life.

 

Of course, these are people who I did not really care about anyway. They were never my friends. But now they are my enemies.

 

I have a very close knit group of friends and I have been able to maintain these friendships through the years. I even have had conflicts in the past 6 months with 2 of them that were resolved without a glitch. I only have "lost" 1 person who was a semi-close friend after he said something that offended me last December, I told him and he said that that was the way he was and that he was not going to change who he was so I had to deal with it. So I haven't spoken to him ever since. I wonder if I should.

 

So have I overdone it?

 

Should I say sorry to the people I was completely aggressively bitchy to? They have not reached out to me at all, and these people never cared about me or respected me as it is evident by their actions. But I don't want to have a bunch of enemies either and I also do not want to be known as the crazy bitch.

 

In one occasion, my verbal aggression was in front of a lot of people. This guy, who to me has been and will continue to be the biggest jerk in the planet, made a comment about someone from my past in a group setting that I felt was completely inappropriate. This guy had made rude comments before about me and about basically everyone so it was not the first time. I called his attention to it and told him that what he said was completely uncalled for and he tried to pretend like it was innocent and like he did not know why I was angry. And then it ended because someone saw that it was getting heated and cut us off. I pretty much ignore his presence whenever I have to see him at school. Other people who were there told me that what he said was completely out of place, although im sure they also would agree that I acted out of anger and could have handled it better.

 

 

 

I am trying to find a balance between being a doormat and being aggresive but i guess it takes time.

[SpiralOut]

Yes it takes time. I think it takes a bit of bouncing back and forth between passivity and aggression before finding where the middle ground is.

 

The way I see it, it's better to stand up for yourself and go a bit overboard than to not stand up for yourself at all. At least people will see they can't mess with you. That guy you call a jerk, had it coming to him. Perhaps there was a better way to handle it but that's all over now and apologizing to him now will invalidate everything you said to him. I would leave him be.

 

As for the others, whether you choose to apologize depends on how you feel towards them. Sometimes the best way to change someone's opinion of you is to change your behaviour towards them. Go out of your way to be kind to them and they will see the good person you are.

[D-Lish]

The balance between the two is "assertive". You can stand up for yourself without being aggressive and not make enemies in the process.

 

Pick and choose your battles. Some battles are worth fighting and others are not. If a person means something to you and you do something you think warrants an apology, it doesn't make you a doormat if you acknowledge you were a little out of line.

 

I was super stressed during school many years ago and I blew up at a classmate that had done something stupid. The problem is that I blew up at her in front of the entire class- a class I was going to be spending another year and a half with. I apologized to her afterward, then I apologized in front of my class. Doing so quickly diffused the situation and no one held it against me.

 

Fences can be mended with a simple apology in many cases. Sometimes it's worth it to make the effort if it will make your life easier.

 

I'm all for addressing bad behaviour- but it can be done without aggression. I think it's good that you recognize this about yourself- a lot of people aren't capable of that.

 

You are in a stressful program, what do you to to help relieve the stress you face?

[eleanorhurting]

The balance between the two is "assertive". You can stand up for yourself without being aggressive and not make enemies in the process.

 

Pick and choose your battles. Some battles are worth fighting and others are not. If a person means something to you and you do something you think warrants an apology, it doesn't make you a doormat if you acknowledge you were a little out of line.

 

I was super stressed during school many years ago and I blew up at a classmate that had done something stupid. The problem is that I blew up at her in front of the entire class- a class I was going to be spending another year and a half with. I apologized to her afterward, then I apologized in front of my class. Doing so quickly diffused the situation and no one held it against me.

 

Fences can be mended with a simple apology in many cases. Sometimes it's worth it to make the effort if it will make your life easier.

 

I'm all for addressing bad behaviour- but it can be done without aggression. I think it's good that you recognize this about yourself- a lot of people aren't capable of that.

 

You are in a stressful program, what do you to to help relieve the stress you face?

 

log on to LS!

[eleanorhurting]

i think what is stressful is having had to deal with the same people for 3 years. It really is like being in high school. But worse. And I tried so hard to get away from the med school circle. And somehow I have ended up dating someone from school... again. It sucks.

 

But, we are both kind of outsiders so I guess maybe that was what brought us together to begin with.

 

well one of the people I confronted said he had absolutely nothing to say sorry to me about (I have posted about him earlier. He is this idiot friend of someone I dated who started talking trash to my boyfriend about me before we were official).

 

The other guy never even bothered talking to me about how what he brought up offended me. And he did something like that to a friend of mine a few months ago and he never apollogized to her either.

 

These guys are seriously scum.

Edited June 15, 2012 by eleanorhurting

[johan]

It's better to pick your battles and focus more on your boundaries. You don't have to go after everyone who upsets you. But you also can choose not to get close to them in the future.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I can relate. I spent most of my life being a bit of a doormat. Then I got sick of it and started speaking up. All the time. I spoke up at work as soon as something bothered me. I let my friends know that I am pissed if they are late etc etc. This was probably worse than being passive and I was seen as causing unnecessary "drama" all the time (and being pain in the a..).

 

It took me a while to find the right balance, between speaking up and letting something go. I am just about there now.

[eleanorhurting]

It's better to pick your battles and focus more on your boundaries. You don't have to go after everyone who upsets you. But you also can choose not to get close to them in the future.

 

That is what my boyfriend keeps telling me that my problem is that I dont choose my battles

[TheFinalWord]

I have always had low self esteem. I have tried to work on it and I have had my highs and my lows.

 

But last year was a low. Like an ultimate low. I had so much guilt and I did not think very highly of myself. Come to think of it, most of medical school has been a low. But last year was the worst.

 

After being depressed and getting therapy, I tried to work on becoming more assertive because my therapist let me know that as a result of my low self esteem I had become very passive and basically had been a doormat.

 

So I started not being afraid to speak up after that.

 

But looking back over the last 8 months, I think I might have gone too far. Because I was looking at some pictures of when I started medical school and I realized that I now have personal issues with a LOT of people. Because they did something that seriously upset me, I spoke up about it in an aggressive manner and then I just proceeded to completely cut them out of my life.

 

Of course, these are people who I did not really care about anyway. They were never my friends. But now they are my enemies.

 

I have a very close knit group of friends and I have been able to maintain these friendships through the years. I even have had conflicts in the past 6 months with 2 of them that were resolved without a glitch. I only have "lost" 1 person who was a semi-close friend after he said something that offended me last December, I told him and he said that that was the way he was and that he was not going to change who he was so I had to deal with it. So I haven't spoken to him ever since. I wonder if I should.

 

So have I overdone it?

 

Should I say sorry to the people I was completely aggressively bitchy to? They have not reached out to me at all, and these people never cared about me or respected me as it is evident by their actions. But I don't want to have a bunch of enemies either and I also do not want to be known as the crazy bitch.

 

In one occasion, my verbal aggression was in front of a lot of people. This guy, who to me has been and will continue to be the biggest jerk in the planet, made a comment about someone from my past in a group setting that I felt was completely inappropriate. This guy had made rude comments before about me and about basically everyone so it was not the first time. I called his attention to it and told him that what he said was completely uncalled for and he tried to pretend like it was innocent and like he did not know why I was angry. And then it ended because someone saw that it was getting heated and cut us off. I pretty much ignore his presence whenever I have to see him at school. Other people who were there told me that what he said was completely out of place, although im sure they also would agree that I acted out of anger and could have handled it better.

 

 

 

I am trying to find a balance between being a doormat and being aggresive but i guess it takes time.

 

It does take time.

 

One thing about you is that you actually care about how your actions affect others...even people who treat you bad.

 

That says a lot about your character You have a good heart and care about people. Sometimes that can be confusing to sort out when people are mean towards you.

 

But you have higher morals than those people...I guarantee they aren't thinking about you unless it's to say something nasty...so you should be proud of that!

 

I think you should pray about those people. God will tell you if you're supposed to make amends. Either way, forgive them in your heart, but don't worry about trying to apologize to them or rebuild a friendship with them unless God directs you too. The way I have found that God does this is by directly putting them in your path in some off the wall way. Either that or he will convict their heart and they will seek your forgiveness. Forgive them to free your own mind.

 

Your bf is right about picking battles. But I don't think that pertains to this situation. From what I remember, that guy you were seeing in your program was a colossal jerk. In regards to picking battles I think of it more in the work world...is this worth complaining to the boss about? That's a whole other topic though. In the relationship world, it's usually better to discuss things to prevent emotionally bottling.

 

Overall, you should be commended for caring and thinking about the issue at all. But don't let these people's mean ways impact you any more. Holding a grudge is letting someone live rent-free in your mind...

But don't worry about building friendships or making amends with them either Good luck!