Vintage79 Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 I just had an interesting experience earlier today in context of Facebook and an online date, and consequently, I am curious to find out about how people utilize Facebook in dating and their perspective/view about my incidence. My experience: I had been communicating with a girl I met online for about 2 weeks - e-mails, lots of texts, and a small amount of phone conversation [near daily contact]. I thought things were generally going well, although we had yet to meet (we have tried once or twice to meet up, but our schedules conflicted). Anyhow, yesterday in a text she asks for me to connect with her via Facebook. I send out an invite. At this point, I need to clarify, about 2 years ago, a photo of me and one of my friends was posted that got my friend in a bit of trouble with his employer (as his employer interpreted the image out-of-context). Needless-to-say, it catalyzed a divide between me and that friend. As I was never big into Facebook (I don't even log in once a month, and spend maybe 2-3 minutes on when I do), I since generally screen out most images/posts that people make about me so that something similar doesn't happen again. I mentioned that that story to this girl, and it apparently raised red flags in her head, and she stated that she doesn't date guys who hide things on Facebook. I don't really think what I'm doing is hiding anything (other than that picture), it's generally removing everyting, not specific to any given incidence - consequently, there are only a handful of pictures on my profile, but ~800 connections. That said, I'm curious to know how people utilize Facebook in dating. Is what I described doing to my Facebook page taboo, a red flag, etc. (in your mind - obviously it was in hers)? I'm wondering if this would be considered normal behavior, or atypical. Is her perspective extreme, or justified? I honestly don't know, and am wondering if I'll run into these types of issues in the future, or if this is more of an outlier situation. With Social Media, and Facebook, being so pervasive, I'm trying to figure out if I'm shooting myself in the foot, if this person was an outlier, or what. I can probably build out my page, but it may take a bit of effort... Anyhow, I'm not really expecting to hear from this girl again. I'll likely write her a final letter, stating that I understand and appreciate her position, and end with a best of luck type. I never met her, so it's not terribly hard to stop things, although, I admit, I would be curious to actually meet the person I was communicating with. Thoughts on this being a good close? Or should I try to migrate things in a different direction? Thoughts on the above situation, and on Facebook usage in context of dating, is greatly appreciated.
veggirl Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 I don't get it. What's so bad about the picture? Anyway, I don't add dates to FB until I get to know them. (in your case that would mean in person, if I was OLD). My BF added me after our 1st date and i was kinda ehhh about that, but accepted. I wouldn't normally I don't think though, I add people I really know and so forth.
ALoveStudent Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 Hey man, I think what really happened here is that you presented no mystery to this girl. When a girl is interested in a guy, they want to know everything about that guy. This want to know more and basically play a detective is their drive to keep communicating with you in the beginning. If you take that away, there is no more motivation and things become boring. With that said, you continued talking to this girl despite not meeting her in person, and by doing so you gave her nothing to look forward too and therefore she had no desire to meet you. As for facebook and dating, I think facebook gives out tooo much information. Think about it, it is easier to get turned off by something someone does when you have no romantic connection with them. You get this connection by going on dates only. Once that connection is established, people are willing to accept more things about someone else that they may have been hesitant to accept before. You know what I mean? Hope this helps..
Author Vintage79 Posted June 14, 2012 Author Posted June 14, 2012 Hey man, I think what really happened here is that you presented no mystery to this girl. When a girl is interested in a guy, they want to know everything about that guy. This want to know more and basically play a detective is their drive to keep communicating with you in the beginning. I certainly agree that there's something to that statement, although this time one of the issues is that there wasn't more info on Facebook, and she thought I was trying to hide something. Consequently, if anything, there was more mystery, as opposed to lack thereof. Once that connection is established, people are willing to accept more things about someone else that they may have been hesitant to accept before. You know what I mean? Definitely agree with this statement...
Author Vintage79 Posted June 14, 2012 Author Posted June 14, 2012 I don't get it. What's so bad about the picture? Anyway, I don't add dates to FB until I get to know them. (in your case that would mean in person, if I was OLD). My BF added me after our 1st date and i was kinda ehhh about that, but accepted. I wouldn't normally I don't think though, I add people I really know and so forth. I didn't really have a problem with the picture, but it was a picture taken when me and a friend were in Southern China for work and were at a night club. My friend's boss saw the picture, thought he was associating with prostitutes while on company $, and was fired [which wasn't the case at all, there was nothing even close to physical contact in the picture, let alone prostitution - the picture was essentially just us smiling with some fully clothed ladies in the background]. My friend essentially blamed me, or at least had bitter feelings, and we're not really friends anymore. Since I don't really use Facebook, I thought it would be better to just remove photos that are posted, so a similar situation doesn't happen again (to me, or to my friends)... Anyhow, point taken as to when to add people - I thought it would be ok, given that we'd been communicating in various forms for a while...oh well.
tivoconga Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 Hey Vintage, That was definitely a little odd - I'm guessing that given your story that you didn't have any strange pictures of yourself on you account that may have spooked her. It's possible that you had the best picture of yourself online and that she saw something that wasn't quite as attractive. My guess, though, is that she has some trust issues or has been hurt in the past. If so, she may be immediately turned off by any signs that the guy is trying to cover something up...has she alluded to anything that may be suggestive of this? If yes, she may not listen to anything you say - as trust has been damaged, even if unjustifiably so. As for writing another letter - I'm not sure if I would bother, although if you like closure, it may offer that. Given, however, that you haven't met her, though, I'm guessing closure isn't a big deal. Don't expect another letter to whoo her, however, and get her back...if the problems hinge on trust, it's a dead deal. As for how common this is - not really sure. I tend to agree with some previous posters that maybe hold off on Facebook connecting with OLD prior to one, or a few dates, but I don't know if it's a big deal...it can be viewed as part of the get to know you process, and some people may shoot you down if you don't share/connect...hopefully a few other people chime in and can share their perspectives.
truth_seeker Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 I don't get it. What's so bad about the picture? Anyway, I don't add dates to FB until I get to know them. (in your case that would mean in person, if I was OLD). My BF added me after our 1st date and i was kinda ehhh about that, but accepted. I wouldn't normally I don't think though, I add people I really know and so forth. What happens if you add dates and then it doesn't work out? Do you continue to be Facebook friends with them or delete them?
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