I Want To But I Can't Cope

[Norse]

First some background information from a previous thread. This will be long, this is a collection of things I wrote down, I'll update this daily.. Advice is always appreciated.

 

So here's the story..Let me start off saying we've dated for a total of 1 year and 6 months. We did break up for 2 months once because I was being too "controlling" according to her friends, and she was tired of my guilt trips about spending too much time with her friends over me. We got over that, one day she told me she was done and wasn't going to take me back, so I let it go and never spoke to her again. The very next day I didn't respond to any texts or calls and she eventually told me she wanted me to take her back and she wasn't appreciative of my good qualities. So I did, instantly.

 

It's been six months now, and she recently flew several states away to be a bridesmaid at a friends wedding. So I sent her some texts being jealous and said "is your groomsman cute?", "you're not talking to any guys are you?". I'm not sure why I said these things, I guess after a few days I started missing her and was just sad. To be honest we're both jealous like that, when I got my recent job the first text she sent me while I was there was, "are there any cute girls there?" and I told her, "no I just come here to work, I only care about you". So I was hoping with me texting her asking about cute guys and stuff she would kind of tell me the same, well it didn't work like that. She started to seem without emotion in her texts over the next few days and I knew something was up. So I sent her one asking if we were okay. Big mistake, that's what caused us to break up the first time, asking that question always initiates it. So I called her and asked if we were going to stay together and she said she just wasn't sure. So the next day I brought her some flowers and we seemed to get a long fine, we talked about it a bit and disputed it. Eventually we were hugging, kissing, etc etc, even though she didn't seem to care much for kissing me. Which in my opinion is because she's pretty upset.

 

She told me she felt attacked because I told her not to talk to any guys, and what I asked was "you're not talking to any guys are you?". To her it was an attack but honestly I was expecting her to say something along the lines of "no I just care about you". Then she went on to tell me that it seemed like i was being controlling again. Over the next few hours she told me she would think about it.

 

So the next day came, and she didn't text me a once. Later on that night she asked to call me. So after talking about various things we got onto the breakup topic. She said it was what she wanted to do because she just wasn't happy. I tried to tell her this decision would make us even more unhappy though. She said the same thing she did the first time, "nothing you can say or do will change my mind." So I asked her for two more days together as a couple, just to remember what it was like. Then she went on to say "I don't know what that's going to help". Neither did I, but it was what I wanted.

 

After work we met up for a social event that was going on in town, and I helped her do some work there, while she completely ignored me. I acted as if nothing was the matter. When I was getting ready to head on home, she told me to text her when I got in so she knew I made it back safely. I did and told her I loved her and never heard anything else back.

 

So as the next day came I planned to enjoy my final moments, and while at work she sent me a text saying she was going to call me as soon as I got off of work, and asked what time that would be. The whole 8 hours I was stressing it. I knew what that phone call was going to be about. When she finally called me I rambled on about whatever I could to delay it as much as I could. Finally she came out with, "so have you thought about what I said?", and I told her "yeah I just don't think it's a good decision." She went on to say "well it's my decision."

 

So I went on to tell her that she was the greatest thing that ever did or would happen to me, and for once I knew true happiness, and she caused me to see a future for myself, and a family. I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I told her there were no other girls out there as sweet and as caring as her, and whoever found her next would be the luckiest guy on the planet, and I hoped he would give her everything she wanted. I told her I wished nothing for her but a happy life. I told her I ruined all of that, and it was my own fault, and I would have to live with that guilt for the rest of my life. I even tried to ask her to be friends but she told me that wouldn't work, and we tried it before. I recall her saying "I'm sorry" over and over throughout the entire conversation and that seemed to be about it.

 

I asked her if she would take me back again like she did last time, and why she even took me back that time. She told me she missed me, and I was like you'll miss me again, and I don't know what she said after that. But anyway she has blocked me and all of my family on Facebook. I don't believe she hates me at all, I think she blocked me to make it easier on us both.

 

I'm not taking this as hard as I did the first time, I still don't have the desire to take off the promise ring she got me or remove all of our pictures, and it seems like every time I put on an article of clothing she bought me or see her vehicle model I think of her. 8 hours a day at work I am tortured by memories I made with her and no one else and I just keep rehashing and rehashing day after day. When I got in my car accident and couldn't feed myself, or walk right and she took the time to help me recover from all of that, amongst the other countless things, from getting up at midnight out of bed to drive out and fill my gas tank up when I ran out, helping me when I couldn't afford to pay my bills, I don't think I'll ever meet such a caring individual. I can't help but think of my loss, and how all of my future plans and dreams got smashed. Sleep comes hard as well. But at the same time I feel like the "problems" we had could have been talked over and worked out, which I told her but she would say "you shouldn't have to fix these problems, there should just be someone out there I can have less problems with". So the fault is my own. I just want another chance.

 

She said she realized no one was perfect but believed someone was out there that would have less problems with or something. I just don't understand why she didn't want to work it out. Problems happen and you have to be adult and worth through them if you want a lasting relationship. All of which is easier said than done. For the most part I'm mentally trying to accept what has happened and convince myself it's not entirely my fault.

 

I'm just not sure how to deal with all of this. I can't keep my mind off of it, and I just don't want to be alone. I don't want to give up on her, she might give me another chance. I don't know I guess she would have eventually got mad about something and just wanted out of it anyway.

 

I didn't want out of this relationship she did. I feel she gave up on our love, that's what is the craziest, because she seemed so in love with me but was able to give it up just like that. I'm just dumbfounded by the whole idea of her giving up our relationship that easy.

 

She just kept going on and on about how she was unhappy. I just feel like she was upset at the time but would have gotten over it eventually, maybe if I hadn't pushed at asking if we were going to stay together, and if we were okay this would have never happened.

 

She seems to want to run away from problems, maybe I shouldn't have gave them to her. I dunno. Maybe this goes both ways. I just want to get over it. I'm not sure how, but either way I miss her I wish I could tell her that and how much I love her but I guess it will never be....

 

I'm just having such a hard time letting go. Someone suggested I text her, I mean I feel she wouldn't respond, I mean she blocked me on Facebook and you know how iphones are you can get that service where you block people, and she may have just went to those ends. I have some other plans though, I'm working on a way of finding out if she still has my pictures up on facebook, if she doesn't at least I'll know she's done with me and I feel it would help me let go, but her page is private either way. I thought about having my friend call her number from a payphone while I'm at work and see if it gets a voicemail incase she changed her number. If it's done while I'm at work at least she wont know it's me.

 

I have this problem where I don't like to give up, on anything. I feel when you love someone enough there are no ends to where you would go to be with them, I know she doesn't hate me, in fact she loves me a lot. She even told me that she believed half the time I was good and half the time I was bad. I think we had an argument once every few months so I would say I'm 20% bad.

 

I would have done anything for that girl. Just like the sports car when I was telling her how it didn't matter to me when we were having our last conversation via phone, she was like "well you bought another one didn't you" I should have told her I'd set a brick on the gas pedal and aim it over a cliff if she wanted, and honestly I would have. Well I guess she will get another athletic guy this time he will have a career and just be more perfect than me. As you can tell I'm in the angry stage right now, I'm progressing because I've surpassed sad/guilt ridden. I even told her I would sell it and get a four door during that convo and she was like, "if that's what you wanna do".

 

I just wish our last days could have been peaceful, and loving. I mean at that social event(friday) she wouldn't even hold my hand, like she didn't jerk away but she just didn't even care. She always would remember me when i was there, like if we went somewhere with her friends and i was in the back, she would always look back and check on me, but this time I was totally ignored. I never have had anyone feel so cold towards me in my life. She tried to tell me I wasn't a bad person, but if i wasn't a bad person why couldn't she have just took some time to cool off about it.

 

Thanks for reading...

[Philosoraptor]

The jealousy and lack of trust really had this relationship by the horns.

 

You also needn't change to be with someone, and that seems to be an issue for you. Let your car fly off a cliff? Be comfortable being you.

 

You might say you are in the anger stage but you're also still very much fawning over the relationship. Very little about what she did wrong but an entire list of how wonderful she was. I know that feeling, I did it to. Take a step back, a few deep breaths, and then look at things without the bias. The relationship had enough issues for her to give up and she wasn't as willing to work at it as you were... that's telling right there.

 

Just take care of yourself now and continue to move on. Take it a day at a time and enjoy the moment, try not to focus on the past or future.

[Norse]

Well I was trying to let her know I was willing to let it fly off a cliff if that's what stood between me and her.

 

Its just so frustrating and you don't want to give up when you have talked future plans with that person. And you knew what you wanted to do with your life.

[Philosoraptor]

Well you don't have to give up on your dreams, just need to find someone else to share it with. Work on yourself and let the right person cross your path.