Bridget71 Posted June 30, 2004 Posted June 30, 2004 My boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me on my birthday last week, citing an inability to make me happy and a talent for hurting me. Fine. Whatever. I'll get over it. It sucks, but I'm realizing that, when we were dating, I was very unhappy. He definitely took me for granted, and I allowed him to because I got wrapped up in having another person around. I would occasionally find some backbone and try to end it, but he would somehow worm his way back in. This time, it was he that ended it...which is a little humiliating, but at least it feels more permanent. I was surprised at how quickly I recovered from the initial blow....only a day and a half. My sadness was replaced by a sense of euphoric relief. I'm out. Finally! He and I are separately attending a 4 day out-of-town wedding this weekend. He's a friend of the groom (and a groomsmen), and I'm a friend of the bride. It is a small wedding, and there are going to be many social functions (happy hours, wedding rehearsal, etc.) that I'm expected to attent. He will also be there. I don't NOT want to go. I love the bride, and don't want a little thing like a break up to scare me away. The Ex BF was insistent when we broke up that we HAVE to stay friends....that I'm too important to him to lose, that he cares so much about me, blah. blah. blah. I told him that I didn't think that would be a good idea, that it may impair my ability to heal, but he is adamant about it. He said, "Okay, well I'll give you your space this week. I'll stay away. We won't speak. And we'll be friendly to one another at the wedding out of respect to the bride and groom. And then, when we get home, we'll try for the friendship." I'm a little worried about seeing him. The time apart has really helped me, but the fear of not knowing what to expect when I get there is beginning to eat at me. It's not the sort of environment where I can avoid him without causing a scene. Chances are, we're probably sitting with one another at the reception! Any tips on how to deal with this? And what to do if he presses the friendship plan again? I don't want to come off as bitter, or make any of our mutual friends uncomfortable. And I AM feeling better about this, and I agree that the breakup was a good idea. Am I kidding myself to think that I can handle it?
murasaki Posted June 30, 2004 Posted June 30, 2004 Obviously you should go to the wedding, no question about that. If you end up seated next to him, deal with it as best you can. In your shoes I think I'd touch base with some other friends who will be at the wedding, and let them know that you're really looking forward to seeing them, and looking forward to the wedding itself, and by the way do they know that you and Ex are no longer together? You just wanted to give them a heads up so that they wouldn't feel confused, or feel like they couldn't ask questions or anything. Put it out in the open, let people know you're more or less okay about everything, and then at the wedding events it won't seem strange to anyone that you're not super keen to spend much time in the company of Ex. So that's how I'd deal with it vis a vis other people. As for Ex himself, I'd say that he's got no business insisting on "friendship" with you. Friendship is a two-way street that cannot be foisted on either party. I've been on both sides of the equation at different times, and there is nothing to be served by forcing someone to pretend to be happy in your company when they're not. If they're feeling confused or awkward or resentful or hurt, a sham friendship is not going to alleviate those feelings. It sounds to me like your ex is rather self-absorbed and selfish. It was a bad relationship in part because he had "a talent for hurting" you? That right there is reason enough to not want to be friends with him now. Believe me, I've been there, I know how you can get into mindsets where the particulars of a situation seem to justify slights and hurts and even big wounds. And while I believe that someone who just wasn't cut out to be a romantic partner might eventually be a good friend, I think that is something that only evolves over time, by that person demonstrating that he/she has your best interests at heart. How does ignoring your misgivings about friendship demonstrate concern for what's best for you? Sounds to me like this guy wants to keep you in his orbit. In case he feels like taking another shot at you, or perhaps so that he doesn't have to deal with the idea that you don't think he's a terrific guy. Who knows? Point is, as long as he's not respecting your wishes by insisting on a bogus friendship with you that you're clearly reluctant to pursue right now, he's just showing that he's a callous jerk. Not a friend! It's obvious you're good friend material, but it's not so clear that he is. You don't have to be his enemy if you don't feel like it, but neither must you be his friend. The two of you can be civil acquaintances who don't mind each other's company but who don't seek each other out. Sounds to me like that's what you want -- and therefore, that's the best he can hope for right now. Tell him to take it or leave it.
bridget71 Posted July 7, 2004 Posted July 7, 2004 Well, I'm back from the wedding. It was rough, but I was proud of myself for going. Most of my gal pals confessed that they wouldn't have been able to do it, so I'm feeling very ballsy of late! I rock! The ex and I basically smiled at one another, said a few words, and kept to opposite sides of the room. His friends were extremely gracious, and continuously tried to include me in every way possible. So much so that it was a little embarrassing. One of them literally said, "Bridge, you can join us over here. WE still like you. You don't have to stay away from all of us." Aaack! I think they all felt a little awkward about the situation, as did I, but we all handled it very well. I made every effort to be a sociable as possible, smiling and introducing myself to everyone I came into contact with. The ex kind of hung back and let me work the room, and stayed out of my way for the better part of the weekend. A few people did approach me to inform me of the things my ex was saying about me. All very kind things, but I was surprised that he was speaking so much about what happened. Blaming himself for his inability to commit, stressing to anyone who would listen that he didn't want for me to feel excluded this weekend, that he hopes I'll come to the after-party at their house (and that he was so excited when I DID show up), that I'm looking great, that I was surrounded by men hitting on me at one of the more public functions, that he thinks the world of me, etc. Nice things, but it didn't make me feel any less awkward being in his presence. But I wasn't going to let him see that. I smiled and laughed like a champ. Head held high. But I'd cry when I got back to the room. It was very, very hard. Our last night out was the wedding and the reception. Again we had the standard, "You look great." greetings. A few hours into the reception, we ran into each other, and I caved and asked him to smoke with me. We went off to a quieter area and sat down. He asked how I'd been enjoying the weekend and I confessed that, although I was having fun, I was working very hard to do so. I explained to him that he was my best friend here, and it was difficult having him be the ONLY person that I couldn't talk to, when he was the person I most wanted to talk to. He said that he too was having a rough time, staying on opposite ends of the dance floor, but that he wanted to give me my space. I agreed to TRY to be friends, but told him I might be unbearable at times about it, because it would be difficult. He said that it was okay, and that he was sure he was also going to have a hard time of it. We finished the conversation there, returned to the reception together, and spent the rest of the evening dancing and having a fantastic time. After the reception, he asked me to come back to another one of their after-parties, promising to get me there, get me back to my room, and would pick me up the next day to fetch my car. So I went. And we had more fun. He began to get a little more touchy-feely with me as the night wore on, which I pretended not to notice. I do a good "oblivious." We both got very drunk, danced some more, and just had one of those great, great nights. When the party wound down, he asked me to say over, promising to be a gentleman. And I did. And he was. He wrapped himself around me as we slept, but that was it. Did the same when we woke up in the morning. Took me to get my car, took me to lunch. Hung out with me for a few hours after and then hugged me goodbye very, very tightly and left. And he's now called me three times since. I read Kate's story about she and her ex, and I really identify with what she said. I was constantly acting hurt, reacting to the things he did or didn't do, but didn't really think about how he was feeling or what he was thinking. I'm going to try to go the route of just letting him work his way back to me, and see if he will. If he doesn't, he doesn't. But he should. I'm awesome.
bridget71 Posted July 9, 2004 Posted July 9, 2004 The ex phoned yesterday and made plans to see me that night. I mentioned that I had been informed an I Saw You/Missed Connections posted about me in a local paper. I told him that an guy I used to date casually called me out of the blue after a long period of no contact to inform me of the posting, and that I thought that it was funny to hear from him for such a random reason. The ex and I got off the phone and planned to meet later. I was getting ready to go out later that evening when he called me, flustered. Wanting to know why I was shoving other guys in his face. The guys hitting on me the weekend of the wedding, the former date calling me, the I Saw You ad, etc. Coupled with my snubbing him over and over that wedding weekend. He told me how much it hurt him, and how jealous he had become. I didn't realize that he felt ANYTHING, so I was surprised. He's always stressed that he is incapable of jealousy. I certainly didn't think that he would be threatened by other guys, considering that it was he who ended things with me. I explained that the snubbing was simply my being extremely nervous about seeing him, and not knowing what to say. I would clam up and walk away after the briefest of hellos. As for the guys-- I wasn't looking to hook up, but being at a function where I really didn't know anyone all that well, having people to talk to was a welcome diversion, and preferable to standing on my own while the ex is surrounded by all of his close friends. I told him that he was the one who ended it with me, that it wasn't my choice, and that I didn't want it. And I apologized profusely for hurting him. He accepted, and we agreed to go out that night. I had to leave he and his friends after a few hours and get to bed. The ex walked me to my car. En route, he took my hand and began dancing with me on the side of the road. He then kissed me and told me that he loved me. That was the first time he said it, in our 6 mos of dating. We made out on the street right then and there (with cars honking away at our PDA!) and he said it to me again and again. I love you. I love you. Later that night, he called me at home to say it a few dozen more times. It was nice to hear, but I'm a little freaked out. He went from being my ex-afraid-of-commitment-boyfriend to the man professing his love for me. He mentioned again that he was jealous of the male attention I had been getting, which for me is a bit of a red flag. I don't want to rock the boat, but is it possible this is just about his ego and not about his true feelings for me? He went on and on about the other guys, and said, "You're my woman." Sorry if I'm coming across as ungrateful. I'm just feeling guarded. It's bottomed out so many times before, I'm afraid to get too excited about the grand declaration of love, although it was something I'd dreamed of hearing for quite some time.
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