Why do you think you can't improve your dating life?

[Imajerk17]

I'd say that being bad with women is only a SYMPTOM of an even deeper issue. For those on here who feel they can't improve, there are two reasons that I am seeing.

 

(1) Not taking any action.

(2) Falling and staying down when dealt with the ordinary setbacks of life.

 

I don't want to name names in here, but there are some dudes (whoops ) on here who suffered what is really only moderate turn-downs in the scheme of things... And yet, from hearing them whine and cry on here, you'd think they suffered the world's worst rejection ever. Nevermind the people on here [and their threads for all of us to read] who have dealt with REAL problems such as cheating spouses or relationships of how many years breaking up because the other person isn't feeling it anymore. The Lovable Losers still think they have it worse than anyone else in humanity ever. It's no coincidence that the Lovable Losers haven't done much in other areas of their life either. People who are knocked down and who give up that easily just aren't big successes in general.

Edited June 17, 2012 by Imajerk17

[Imajerk17]

Don't get me wrong. A blow-off or a rejection or a flake still stings. But you gripe about it for a day or two maybe and then you move on. You can't sit and wallow in it forever....

[Mr Scorpio]

I'd say that being bad with women is only a SYMPTOM of an even deeper issue. For those on here who feel they can't improve, there are two reasons that I am seeing.

 

(1) Not taking any action.

(2) Falling and staying down when dealt with the ordinary setbacks of life.

 

The Lovable Losers still think they have it worse than anyone else in humanity ever. It's no coincidence that the Lovable Losers haven't done much in other areas of their life either. People who are knocked down and who give up that easily just aren't big successes in general.

 

I agree with the overall sentiment, disagree with the bolded parts to an extent. I know that for myself, and say TrainofAngels, there are underlying mental issues at work. So, to the extent that mental-illness isn't an "ordinary setback", I disagree with your second point.

 

In addition, for me personally, the economy is a huge factor. If I were making an "average" salary -- much less the kind of money many posters on this site seem to make -- I'd be in a much better position to do something about being single.

 

Finally, I walk by dozens of homeless people everyday on my way to/from school. So I know there are other people that have it worse. I don't know, however, if they feel worse.

[irc333]

I am working on that...I'd say I've been having better results lately in the past couple of years. Though, I wouldn't say I'm racking up phone #"s or different dates every week, it can account for something.

 

I just try to enjoy my time when I'm out socially with friends and people of the opposite sex of course. If I take a shine to a particular lady, I'll take a shot at it, if I get blown off, I move on. Sometimes they come around because you haven't been in touch with them. SO I've discovered you have to give them a chance to miss you a little.

 

I actually have a female friend that's a bit needy, I think. Kinda suprised on that because she's an attractive woman. Figured she'd need not be to be needy. Apparently, after only had been out with a guy 3 or 4 times, she wanted him to have her travel with her to Meet her parents.

 

I was kind of shocked, but....I had an interest in her romantically initially, but she only liked me as a friend. Not in a romantic sense.

 

ALso, I think I"ve improved a bit more on just builing rapport with women, and not really even asking them out sometimes, but to just simply let serendipity take it's course. A male friend of mine advised me on that, because it elminates you having to seem you're trying to hard.

 

I"ve actually compared myself with other men in action with women, and I Have to say by using them as a basis of comparison, they've proven to be more pathetic and destroyed their rep by being pushy, needy, and sometimes physical with women.

 

(When I say physical, when a woman was about to leave his side to mingle at a party, he grabbed her wrist, and said "aw, comeon, can you not stick around a little longer?")

 

Some men would give these women unwelcomed neck massages out of the blue.

 

To answer your question, I have to answer, I wouldn't see it as a rationalization. I see myself as a unique person that comes from an age of a more moral background.

 

Sometimes I feel I grew up in the wrong time period, where friendzone's didn't really exist. A man and woman that had spent alone time together back, in say the 1940's, resulted in a courtship, dating and even marriage.

 

People weren't as "loose" back in the say, though I'm sure it happened. BUt like on TV, sitcoms and so on, everyone is displayed as sleeping with one another so freely. Old-time TV wasn't like that. MOrals have become so loose, it made dating disingenuous. Relationships end as soon as they've started and so on.

 

 

Also, neediness is only left up to interpretation.

 

Sometimes calling 2 times a week might be considered needy by one person. Of course, the majority might rule that calling the same person 3 to 5 times a day unbelievably needy.

 

I recall a female friend who had been in long term relationship make a remark that she opted out of going to a certain event because she was tending to her 'needy' boyfriend (said it in a joking manner), but he really wanted some alone time with his g/f.

 

 

 

 

 

Are you sure that is not a rationalization?

 

It is not about techniques. It is about being comfortable with yourself and who you are. At the moment, I don't have the impression (and I can be wrong) that you are not really comfortable with who you are. Neediness is a big turn-off, no matter who or what you are. I guess that is one of the reasons you are playing a numbers' game? I'd suggest working on the neediness first.

 

You can work on learning to pick up cues in dating profiles that suggest a person is not suitable for you. Usually people who are selfish give away cues that that is the case.

 

Sometimes improving your results is more about improving your method than anything else.

Edited June 18, 2012 by irc333

[irc333]

*shrugs* Yet those women have genuinely had relationships with their best friends. Just not with you. Wonder why that is?

 

I don't know, I suppose that's a big mystery that you and I will never know. I just chalk it up as women being fickle.

 

Though, for every person who hasn't had much success at landing many dates with women, the same question could be asked for people with many failed marriages or relationship revolving door.

Edited June 18, 2012 by irc333

[fortyninethousand322]

I'd say that being bad with women is only a SYMPTOM of an even deeper issue. For those on here who feel they can't improve, there are two reasons that I am seeing.

 

(1) Not taking any action.

(2) Falling and staying down when dealt with the ordinary setbacks of life.

 

I don't want to name names in here, but there are some dudes (whoops ) on here who suffered what is really only moderate turn-downs in the scheme of things... And yet, from hearing them whine and cry on here, you'd think they suffered the world's worst rejection ever. Nevermind the people on here [and their threads for all of us to read] who have dealt with REAL problems such as cheating spouses or relationships of how many years breaking up because the other person isn't feeling it anymore. The Lovable Losers still think they have it worse than anyone else in humanity ever. It's no coincidence that the Lovable Losers haven't done much in other areas of their life either. People who are knocked down and who give up that easily just aren't big successes in general.

 

Probably true. But there's no shame in being unsuccessful in life. Not everyone is a success.

[somedude81]

Because women are aliens and it doesn't matter what I do.

 

Or maybe I'm the alien?

 

Either way, we don't speak the same language.

[Meeks7]

this topic question doesn't qualify for me since I'm currently dating a gorgeous young woman who's the bomb

 

Didn't happen overnight though. I worked on myself and improved certain weaknesses. Luck plays a part, sure, but most of "dating success" comes down to the choices you make day in, day out to.

[mortensorchid]

Improve? I think we all want to improve something about ourselves, whether it's our career, appearance/body issues, etc. As for that being an area of improving, it's like anything in life where you have to try to mix things up, try different angles, and work on it. Nothing (with a few exceptions) are given to us, they are things that we have to work at. Dating life can by improved, but only based on some things such as attitude adjustments, new population of people to interact with, new interest, etc.

[USMCHokie]

Because the real world often doesn't reflect what the more mature, sophisticated, and self-aware folks on LS propogate about dating and relationships. The real world often isn't as romanticized as we want to think it is. And making every improvement you can think of sometimes doesn't cut it in the real world.

[ThaWholigan]

Because the real world often doesn't reflect what the more mature, sophisticated, and self-aware folks on LS propogate about dating and relationships. The real world often isn't as romanticized as we want to think it is. And making every improvement you can think of sometimes doesn't cut it in the real world.

Speak for yourself

[Els]

I don't know, I suppose that's a big mystery that you and I will never know. I just chalk it up as women being fickle.

 

... Yeah, when a woman chooses someone else over you, clearly that is because she is 'being fickle', not because she sees in him something she doesn't see in you, or because she doesn't feel you are right for her, or....

[irc333]

... Yeah, when a woman chooses someone else over you, clearly that is because she is 'being fickle', not because she sees in him something she doesn't see in you, or because she doesn't feel you are right for her, or....

 

 

I'm not really sure what you mean here, but one can only do so much to improve themselves, if not, it's really all about having accept the person for who they are.

 

It's really about accepting the person's inadequacies and being able to deal with them accordingly. There are people currently in marriages right now, apparently they were willing to put up with their faults.

Edited June 18, 2012 by irc333

[jobaba]

Because the real world often doesn't reflect what the more mature, sophisticated, and self-aware folks on LS propogate about dating and relationships. The real world often isn't as romanticized as we want to think it is. And making every improvement you can think of sometimes doesn't cut it in the real world.

 

I'm not really sure what you mean here, but one can only do so much to improve themselves, if not, it's really all about having accept the person for who they are.

 

It's really about accepting the person's inadequacies and being able to deal with them accordingly. There are people currently in marriages right now, apparently they were willing to put up with their faults.

 

Dating, more than most things in life is unfair. Looks and inherent personality traits play such a big part that somebody with nothing going on could do well better than somebody with a good deal of accomplishments.

 

I don't feel like improving yourself will help much with women. When I think back to the women who have dated me, they would have dated me even if I was less accomplished than I was ... so long as my motivational degree was the same.

[irc333]

You know, I do recall men that I know, or through friends of friends. Great career, a home with a 2 door garage....not wealthy, but doing rather well in life, in their 30's or 40's. Great guy that treats his family and friends very well.

 

So a very well loved and adored person.

 

 

They are actively looking for love, but struggling, friends or other people are wondering why he's not meeting women to date.

 

Some even think he qualifies for being set up. Some cannot even wrap their minds around it as to why he remains single or sometimes dateless.

 

Do you know people like this?

 

Yet, deadbeats with a coke habit can attract women a lot better than the above described. Go figure.

 

 

Dating, more than most things in life is unfair. Looks and inherent personality traits play such a big part that somebody with nothing going on could do well better than somebody with a good deal of accomplishments.

 

I don't feel like improving yourself will help much with women. When I think back to the women who have dated me, they would have dated me even if I was less accomplished than I was ... so long as my motivational degree was the same.

[Els]

I'm not really sure what you mean here, but one can only do so much to improve themselves, if not, it's really all about having accept the person for who they are.

 

It's really about accepting the person's inadequacies and being able to deal with them accordingly. There are people currently in marriages right now, apparently they were willing to put up with their faults.

 

Yes, but people are entitled to choose whom they want in their life, to share that sort of relationship with. Just because a woman tells you she prefers relationships that are borne out of friendship and then goes off with a guy other than yourself doesn't make her full of ****, or fickle, or anything else you have called them. Perhaps she just felt she would be compatible with him and not you.

 

Dating, more than most things in life is unfair. Looks and inherent personality traits play such a big part that somebody with nothing going on could do well better than somebody with a good deal of accomplishments.

 

I don't feel like improving yourself will help much with women. When I think back to the women who have dated me, they would have dated me even if I was less accomplished than I was ... so long as my motivational degree was the same.

 

I don't think 'working on yourself' necessarily means accomplishments. There is a huge variety of aspects that different people prioritize in relationships, but many, if not most, of them can be worked on. I don't care about accomplishments but I do care about things such as a guy's attitude, how well he can care about others and take responsibility for his own actions, how much effort he is willing to put into the R, etc. All of those are things that most of us could benefit on working on.

[fortyninethousand322]

Yes, but people are entitled to choose whom they want in their life, to share that sort of relationship with. Just because a woman tells you she prefers relationships that are borne out of friendship and then goes off with a guy other than yourself doesn't make her full of ****, or fickle, or anything else you have called them. Perhaps she just felt she would be compatible with him and not you.

 

Perhaps. But it doesn't hurt anyone to feel like she is full of it. It's not she's owed the benefit of the doubt. Nobody is.

[irc333]

I recall talking to a female friend of mine, apparently she had quite a few men after her through our social group. I recall her saying that she only has fat men trying to ask her out most times. Because, at the time, she was only in contact with men she found too overweight for her to date.

 

It actually got to the point where she resorted to online dating, and now found someone she was attracted to, and believe it or not it's a long dist. relationship.

 

She also said she has a guy friend she considered dating, but she recalled something about him, while they were in her car together, some ornaments that had "sharp edges" hanging from her mirror. He said something like, "You know if we ever got into an accident, those sharp items could stab your/our eyes or skin.

 

Something like that, even though there's no way plastic sharps could do such a thing.

 

His behavior, and other irrational fears was a red flag to her, so she friendzoned him, put him in the "undatable" category.

 

BUT, was his idiosyncrasy that bad not to warrant dating him.

 

Sometimes, and MAYBE this my issue, so I sometimes keep my mouth shut. This has what me got me to stop or at least keeping to a minimum, making replies to strong FB beliefs by someone who posts something controversial on a wall

If I make a reply to that wall post, that might not necessarily be a popular among the majority, that could get me "ousted", or people who take it the wrong way. Same goes for public conversations at a party, someone says something, or perhaps who takes a joke the wrong way, things like that can be off-putting to a woman

 

Like, I might say something that would counter some woman who is a bleeding heart liberal to the point of ticking her off.

 

I knew of a guy that tried to compliment a woman and wound up insulting her at a party to the point where she was in tears! And he's left thinking "What did I just say again?"

 

Quite embarrassing to see a grown woman crying over something hardly considered a crisis. It took a while to get her to calm down.

 

Though, get this, male friend of mine who is no longer dating a woman, but still friends with her, she's currently dating a guy she's totally head over for.

 

BUt, he would say things that would be social blunders or off putting to most people, but she laughs it off as a joke (a woman in love I suppose) he can't see what she sees in him, but she accepts him for his rather disrespectful comments.

 

GO figure

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, but people are entitled to choose whom they want in their life, to share that sort of relationship with. Just because a woman tells you she prefers relationships that are borne out of friendship and then goes off with a guy other than yourself doesn't make her full of ****, or fickle, or anything else you have called them. Perhaps she just felt she would be compatible with him and not you.

 

 

 

I don't think 'working on yourself' necessarily means accomplishments. There is a huge variety of aspects that different people prioritize in relationships, but many, if not most, of them can be worked on. I don't care about accomplishments but I do care about things such as a guy's attitude, how well he can care about others and take responsibility for his own actions, how much effort he is willing to put into the R, etc. All of those are things that most of us could benefit on working on.

[jobaba]

You know, I do recall men that I know, or through friends of friends. Great career, a home with a 2 door garage....not wealthy, but doing rather well in life, in their 30's or 40's. Great guy that treats his family and friends very well.

 

So a very well loved and adored person.

 

 

They are actively looking for love, but struggling, friends or other people are wondering why he's not meeting women to date.

 

Some even think he qualifies for being set up. Some cannot even wrap their minds around it as to why he remains single or sometimes dateless.

 

Do you know people like this?

 

Yet, deadbeats with a coke habit can attract women a lot better than the above described. Go figure.

 

Yes. I know plenty of good guys who get no women in their mid 30s. But if they were aggressive enough, over enough time, they'd have one...

 

 

I don't think 'working on yourself' necessarily means accomplishments. There is a huge variety of aspects that different people prioritize in relationships, but many, if not most, of them can be worked on. I don't care about accomplishments but I do care about things such as a guy's attitude, how well he can care about others and take responsibility for his own actions, how much effort he is willing to put into the R, etc. All of those are things that most of us could benefit on working on.

 

I agree/disagree. I'm definitely more charming than I was, say 15 years ago. But at the same time, the women who have passed me up, I don't see them saying, "You know, if only Jobaba had more XXX, he'd be good for me."

 

I see them saying, "Not in this lifetime." Which is cool.

 

Of course, if I rejected a woman, there would be a concrete reason, and if she changed that part of herself I'd be all for it. I don't know. I've never rejected a woman.

 

And you might think like that too. But most don't.

 

Just so long as I know the game, then I'm better equipped to play it.

[Els]

Perhaps. But it doesn't hurt anyone to feel like she is full of it. It's not she's owed the benefit of the doubt. Nobody is.

 

It does hurt someone - you. For as long as you put the blame for your lack of success solely on the other gender, you're not going to improve. Not to mention that it's incredibly unattractive. Lots of us give others the benefit of the doubt. You're welcome to do, think, and say what you like, but don't expect people to find it attractive.

 

I recall talking to a female friend of mine, apparently she had quite a few men after her through our social group. I recall her saying that she only has fat men trying to ask her out most times. Because, at the time, she was only in contact with men she found too overweight for her to date.

 

It actually got to the point where she resorted to online dating, and now found someone she was attracted to, and believe it or not it's a long dist. relationship.

 

She also said she has a guy friend she considered dating, but she recalled something about him, while they were in her car together, some ornaments that had "sharp edges" hanging from her mirror. He said something like, "You know if we ever got into an accident, those sharp items could stab your/our eyes or skin.

 

Something like that, even though there's no way plastic sharps could do such a thing.

 

His behavior, and other irrational fears was a red flag to her, so she friendzoned him, put him in the "undatable" category.

 

BUT, was his idiosyncrasy that bad not to warrant dating him.

 

Sometimes, and MAYBE this my issue, so I sometimes keep my mouth shut. This has what me got me to stop or at least keeping to a minimum, making replies to strong FB beliefs by someone who posts something controversial on a wall

If I make a reply to that wall post, that might not necessarily be a popular among the majority, that could get me "ousted", or people who take it the wrong way. Same goes for public conversations at a party, someone says something, or perhaps who takes a joke the wrong way, things like that can be off-putting to a woman

 

Like, I might say something that would counter some woman who is a bleeding heart liberal to the point of ticking her off.

 

I knew of a guy that tried to compliment a woman and wound up insulting her at a party to the point where she was in tears! And he's left thinking "What did I just say again?"

 

Quite embarrassing to see a grown woman crying over something hardly considered a crisis. It took a while to get her to calm down.

 

Though, get this, male friend of mine who is no longer dating a woman, but still friends with her, she's currently dating a guy she's totally head over for.

 

BUt, he would say things that would be social blunders or off putting to most people, but she laughs it off as a joke (a woman in love I suppose) he can't see what she sees in him, but she accepts him for his rather disrespectful comments.

 

GO figure

 

I don't understand how this rant has anything to do with anything I said.

[fortyninethousand322]

It does hurt someone - you. For as long as you put the blame for your lack of success solely on the other gender, you're not going to improve. Not to mention that it's incredibly unattractive. Lots of us give others the benefit of the doubt. You're welcome to do, think, and say what you like, but don't expect people to find it attractive.

 

I'm not saying blame an entire gender, just particular people who happen to be that gender. Saying you shouldn't hold it against someone for rejecting you is like saying you shouldn't hold it against an employer who didn't hire you. Certainly you shouldn't sit around angry about it for days on end, but that doesn't mean you should suddenly forgive them for it.

[Els]

I'm not saying blame an entire gender, just particular people who happen to be that gender. Saying you shouldn't hold it against someone for rejecting you is like saying you shouldn't hold it against an employer who didn't hire you. Certainly you shouldn't sit around angry about it for days on end, but that doesn't mean you should suddenly forgive them for it.

 

But there is nothing to forgive. The fact that you think the other person is wrong to begin with says heaps about the sort of mindset that you have, tbh. And that sort of mindset is unlikely to be attractive.

 

Does anyone else really think an employer turning them down is something that is 'normal' to 'hold against him'?

[ThaWholigan]

I'm not saying blame an entire gender, just particular people who happen to be that gender. Saying you shouldn't hold it against someone for rejecting you is like saying you shouldn't hold it against an employer who didn't hire you. Certainly you shouldn't sit around angry about it for days on end, but that doesn't mean you should suddenly forgive them for it.

You shouldn't really blame anyone.

[fortyninethousand322]

But there is nothing to forgive. The fact that you think the other person is wrong to begin with says heaps about the sort of mindset that you have, tbh. And that sort of mindset is unlikely to be attractive.

 

Does anyone else really think an employer turning them down is something that is 'normal' to 'hold against him'?

 

What does it matter? If a girl rejected me it's likely I would no longer want or have any further interaction with that person. It's not like "oh she rejected me on Tuesday but by Friday we were best friends, whew!" I mean come on now. Yes, I would think negatively of that person, but I would never interact with them so it wouldn't matter. Out of site out of mind.

 

With an employer same thing. If I applied to a job at a place and I didn't get hired I would do my best to avoid further interaction with that firm. Yeah I would think negatively about them, but it's not likely to impact their lives nor mine.

[LittleMissSatin]

Rejection hurts, but as long as the other person is polite about it then you should move on. It does no good blaming someone for their feelings. If they are respectful than thank them and find someone else.