Why do you think you can't improve your dating life?

[verhrzn]

You most certainly can. But I decline to answer this question in public. I will say that I am older then 25. I think I am older then you V.

 

I'm 27 this month. Still older?

[PJKino]

Well. Let's say it more like 1%.

 

But being able to attract and date some of the 99% who are not right for you and be able to find that out is what most people get to do. I think that is more what she is saying.

 

Exaclty at least the people who attract a lot of the opposite sex can get their foot in the door and meet a lot of people in hopes to evnetually find a match..

 

People who have problems attracting the opposite sex have to hope they find their match without getting to meet and filter through a decent amount of people..

[d'Arthez]

Do you actively try to date d'Arthez?

Not yet - today is actually the 18-month mark of my breakup with my ex after a relationship of 5.5 years. The breakup itself was not bad, but it forced me to really change my life around. It was a mutual breakup and not acrimonious. I don't blame my ex for things not working out, I don't think she really blames me for things not working out. Fate conspired against us - things happened that were beyond our control, and slowly made us grow apart.

 

Naturally I made some mistakes in that relationship, and I have been working on my shortcomings and weaknesses. I am a big believer in working on myself before I put myself out there. I still have my shortcomings, but no one is perfect. I am almost where I want to be in terms of being "ready" to date. Which in my case means being ready for a long-term commitment. I am not interested in short term arrangements.

 

I certainly would not go out and do random dating (which is what approaching random girls is, and asking for their numbers). There are certain things that I am looking for in a partner that make the numbers game horribly inefficient for me, more than for most other people (and this has nothing to do with anything like physical attractiveness - but more with my own psychological make-up; the less average you are in key aspects, the harder it is to find a good match).

 

All my relationships and love interests grew out of friendships, so for me the key is to work on my friendships, meet people, and let things develop.

[joystickd]

My reason is I live in a small town so there are no women that I think are relationship material. I stick mainly to just meeting women I only want to just have sex with. I believe there is someone that I would want to have something more with out there. The only reason I still stay there is because I help my family.

[Els]

Not yet - today is actually the 18-month mark of my breakup with my ex after a relationship of 5.5 years. The breakup itself was not bad, but it forced me to really change my life around. It was a mutual breakup and not acrimonious. I don't blame my ex for things not working out, I don't think she really blames me for things not working out. Fate conspired against us - things happened that were beyond our control, and slowly made us grow apart.

 

Naturally I made some mistakes in that relationship, and I have been working on my shortcomings and weaknesses. I am a big believer in working on myself before I put myself out there. I still have my shortcomings, but no one is perfect. I am almost where I want to be in terms of being "ready" to date. Which in my case means being ready for a long-term commitment. I am not interested in short term arrangements.

 

I certainly would not go out and do random dating (which is what approaching random girls is, and asking for their numbers). There are certain things that I am looking for in a partner that make the numbers game horribly inefficient for me, more than for most other people (and this has nothing to do with anything like physical attractiveness - but more with my own psychological make-up; the less average you are in key aspects, the harder it is to find a good match).

 

All my relationships and love interests grew out of friendships, so for me the key is to work on my friendships, meet people, and let things develop.

 

This sounds like something I could have written myself, but just in a much more eloquent manner than I could have. Going this route has been frustrating at times, but it has been much more fulfilling for me than doing the 'dating' and 'numbers game' thing could ever have. Remaining true to myself instead of caving in for more 'numbers' has been the wisest relationship-related thing I have ever done, IMO.

[jobaba]

 

I certainly would not go out and do random dating (which is what approaching random girls is, and asking for their numbers). There are certain things that I am looking for in a partner that make the numbers game horribly inefficient for me, more than for most other people (and this has nothing to do with anything like physical attractiveness - but more with my own psychological make-up; the less average you are in key aspects, the harder it is to find a good match).

 

All my relationships and love interests grew out of friendships, so for me the key is to work on my friendships, meet people, and let things develop.

 

Yea all of my friendships that blossomed into feelings of romance on my side have turned into painful unrequited love for me, so I'm reluctant to follow that path again.

 

I would really like to in my heart, but I just can't for the moment.

[verhrzn]

Yea all of my friendships that blossomed into feelings of romance on my side have turned into painful unrequited love for me, so I'm reluctant to follow that path again.

 

I would really like to in my heart, but I just can't for the moment.

 

I'm with Jobaba; I have never, ever tried to be friends first and have dating come from that. If I meet a guy, and he isn't into me romantically within a certain window of time, he goes into the friend zone. I've tried, really tried, but I just cannot move guys from "friends" to "romantic object" in my head. It's just a giant, impenetrable wall between the two.

 

So if I go in thinking I'll be friends first, and then it'll blossom into more, I'm guaranteed to just pick up a good friend.

 

In all seriousness... I think I can't improve my dating life for two reasons that tie together. In order to improve, I'd first need to know what to fix.

 

I came to this board a year ago, looking for advice on what to fix to make myself more attractive, and honestly, I got more confused than ever. I thought it was my looks, but some posters here swear it's not. So maybe it's my personality, but what ABOUT my personality?

 

I just don't know anymore. People say to be yourself, but being myself is exactly what seems so unattractive.

 

I also think I can't improve my dating life because I only have partial control over it. Guys are the other half of the equation. If guys aren't attracted to me... they're just not attracted to me, and there's only a certain amount I can change. If I change those things, and they're STILL not attracted to me.... there's really nothing more I can do.

[d'Arthez]

In all seriousness... I think I can't improve my dating life for two reasons that tie together. In order to improve, I'd first need to know what to fix.

Absolutely true.

 

I thought it was my looks, but some posters here swear it's not. So maybe it's my personality, but what ABOUT my personality?

It is absolutely not your looks.

 

I just don't know anymore. People say to be yourself, but being myself is exactly what seems so unattractive.

You are attractive in many ways, but the self-defeating thought patterns you are having is what is putting a lot of people off. Seriously, when you have overcome those, the men will be walking down your front door. You'd be spoiled for choice.

 

Guys are the other half of the equation. If guys aren't attracted to me... they're just not attracted to me, and there's only a certain amount I can change. If I change those things, and they're STILL not attracted to me.... there's really nothing more I can do.

Yes. But as I said, for most people the fast majority of their potential mates are unsuitable. Don't focus on the people who are unsuitable for you, focus on the ones who are suitable for you, and who share your interests, actually have a backbone, and can be appreciative of who you are, and who are willing to support you.

[verhrzn]

It is absolutely not your looks.

 

Yeah, I am still not even close to convinced. Show me evidence in the real world, is all I say.

[d'Arthez]

I think your environment does suck - too many people who are married or engaged in the settings where you are. If you lived in a more "worldly" place, where less than 98% of the people are married by the age of 21, you would do just fine.

 

Remember all you need is one decent man. Not 100, not 10. Just one.

[gaius]

You most certainly can. But I decline to answer this question in public. I will say that I am older then 25. I think I am older then you V.

I think so too.

I'm 27 this month. Still older?

Happy birthday btw, in case I'm not around tomorrow.

[El Brujo]

I'm starting to feel a little like joystick d ........

 

I sometimes wonder what constitutes as trying when it comes to improving. I keep reading "I tried x and tried y but nothing". It makes me think that people aren't going into it with the right attitude. Especially when it comes to dating.

 

Nothing is going to go right the 1st few times. Failure is almost guaranteed. The thing about failure is that you're supposed to learn from it and continue to go forth. You can ask why, ask for help, research, and then continue. True failure is to stop trying and give up, and just say it will never work. Don't do that.

 

Why don't you think it's going to look up for you? When are you going to bite the bullet and commit to not stopping UNTIL you see improvements, even if they take a long time to come?

 

Why don't you think you will improve???

 

 

For one thing, I never said I couldn't improve. As far as getting back into dating, I'm not going to do it THIS INSTANT. I've worked on myself for over a year, and so far I like the results... and that's enough for me.

 

For another, there are some things that aren't mine to control. All the rest of you people know what needs to be changed, but all of you keep pushing back against it just the same.

[Mr Scorpio]

I'm 23, don't have a career (yet, potential is there) and I don't have my own place. Granted I'm nearly a decade younger, but I have much hope for my future. What career do you really want to go for? What are your financial goals?

 

Well, given that I'm going through law school, I want a career that either requires -- or financially compensates me for -- the skills I am being taught. As for financial goals? In this economy? My only goal is to be able to pay back my student loans without having to move in with a family member.

 

I frequently change and add to my circle when I have the chance. You should do the same. Whatever your interests are, try to find compatriots within those fields.

 

A worthy goal to be certain. One which is also much easier at your age than mine. My only interests at this point consist of school, work, sleep, eating, laundry, and LS.

 

This is fair. You could probably do well to try and make use of any free time you do have to cultivate some kind of joy in your life. Find what makes you happy outside of dating and attempt to make your life fulfilling in that way

 

See above note regarding law school. While my 20's were very enjoyable for the most part, joy has left my life these days, and I don't think she is coming back.

 

Again, fair. Take your time if this is the case and try to observe your emotional life objectively. Your emotions work in tandem with your mind at this point, and your mind has a habit of playing tricks on you

 

Objectively, I am depressed because I wasted investment opportunities (via reckless spending), wasted career opportunities (via switching majors several times), and wasted a relationship I waited six years on (via not having telepathy). I feel that I deserve what I am getting now.

 

I would caution against attaching your self worth to your social interactions, be they with women or with anyone else. Sounds difficult and a hard task it is. But try and challenge yourself to become immune to the perils of perceived rejection. Think of them like the stepping stones I mentioned above. Good luck

 

Wise advice, as everyone has value beyond the union of a relationship. However, I assure you that my rejections were not merely perceived. They were rather tangible. And I don't fear rejection. Rather, given all that I listed above, I don't see any value in myself, not at my age.

 

"Hi! I'm 32 and I made $600 this month! Would you like to... oh? No.. well.. okay then.."

 

Still, thanks for the good luck!

[Disenchantedly Yours]

d'Arthez It was a mutual breakup and not acrimonious.

 

Hey, good word Dude.

 

Naturally I made some mistakes in that relationship, and I have been working on my shortcomings and weaknesses. I am a big believer in working on myself before I put myself out there. I still have my shortcomings, but no one is perfect. I am almost where I want to be in terms of being "ready" to date. Which in my case means being ready for a long-term commitment. I am not interested in short term arrangements.

 

Yeah, that's the place I'm out. Except I beat myself up a little more then you do. i think your approach is healthier.

 

 

There are certain things that I am looking for in a partner that make the numbers game horribly inefficient for me, more than for most other people (and this has nothing to do with anything like physical attractiveness - but more with my own psychological make-up; the less average you are in key aspects, the harder it is to find a good match).

 

What kind of things are you looking for in a partner? I am completely fascinated to know the answer!

[Disenchantedly Yours]

I think so too.

 

Hey! No one asked you what you thought. You're just suppose to sit there and look pretty Gauis.

 

V, Gauis is dying for me to answer your question...alas, I allude him still.

[verhrzn]

Hey! No one asked you what you thought. You're just suppose to sit there and look pretty Gauis.

 

V, Gauis is dying for me to answer your question...alas, I allude him still.

 

How bout if I make a pouty face?

[Disenchantedly Yours]

How bout if I make a pouty face?

 

You know I'm a heterosexual straight woman right?

[d'Arthez]

What kind of things are you looking for in a partner? I am completely fascinated to know the answer!

I posted my answer in this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/off-topic/water-cooler/327185-what-sort-person-would-your-perfect-match

 

A woman who is in spiritual exile, who recognizes that the world is messed up and is not happy about it - she cannot reconcile herself with the ways of the world so to speak.

 

Someone who is kindhearted, loves life, is smart, and is not materialistically inclined (eg. would rather do work for $40k / year which she believes in rather than a $100k / year job to buy all kinds of fancy nonsense). Someone who tries to maintain the highest standards of integrity. She sees life primarily as a learning experience, and is creatively inclined, rather than a passive consumer of ideas.

 

Strong enough to stand up to me (My will is not law, and occasionally I need to get a kick in the ass to get going), emotionally open to allow us to discover each other's beauty. And willing to build towards a longterm monogamous relationship.

[irc333]

Sometimes its hard to know what to "improve" exactly..

..

 

This.....

 

Also, improving on your success with getting dates and dating cannot really compare because it's too dynamic and random.

 

As compare to saying, improving performance on the job.

 

As soon as you take or try something different with a new woman, (after you failed with a previous woman). Well, THAT NEW woman might be different, and the new technique might not work with THAT woman.

 

It's like hitting a moving target while in a moving vehicle.

[d'Arthez]

As soon as you take or try something different with a new woman, (after you failed with a previous woman). Well, THAT NEW woman might be different, and the new technique might not work with THAT woman.

This may explain your limited success in dating. It is not about techniques, it is not about deceiving women or men to enter a relationship. You need to accept, that by default most women / men are unsuitable for you to have a relationship with (due to our own personal preferences and needs).

 

It is about knowing what you want. Playing a numbers' game indicates that you don't exactly know what you want.

[irc333]

I'm with Jobaba; I have never, ever tried to be friends first and have dating come from that.

 

Yeah, I get a kick out of how people say (with the women I've talked to, and seen on dating sites)

 

"I'm looking for my best friend who can be by my side"

 

And I say, "Oh, so you're not going to Friendzone them once the become you're Best friend"

 

I think it's a crock sometimes. I used to fall for the whole "best friend" thing, but it's never happened for me. We just wound up being "Best friends" but I'd never get as much as even a good night kiss.

[irc333]

This may explain your limited success in dating. It is not about techniques, it is not about deceiving women or men to enter a relationship. You need to accept, that by default most women / men are unsuitable for you to have a relationship with (due to our own personal preferences and needs).

 

It is about knowing what you want. Playing a numbers' game indicates that you don't exactly know what you want.

 

You do have a point, I feel that I'm so unique in my morality and belief system, that most women don't equate to it.

 

I have to admit, that my neediness might turn women off....so I would need someone equally as needy.

 

Someone once told me that neediness isn't necessarily a bad thing either. But like with everything, moderation is the key.

 

Like sometimes I avoid dating profiles of women that say, "I work as a nurse and have a child to take care of, so he must understand that I'm working quite often, and can't be there for him every 10 mins"

 

I'm sure this person is exaggerating with the 10 mins, but you get the picture. Chances are she has full custody, so she won't be dropping the kid off with the dad so mom can go spend the weekend with the new boyfriend.

 

I've seen some profiles where they even mention, "My family, kids, and friends (as well as the family dog) come first!"

 

I'm just kidding about the family dog, but I"m sure she's not putting it down ni her profile. LOL

 

Me being a bit more on the needy side, MIGHT Not be compatible with this kind of person. Of course, THESE people might not necessarily unselifsh as most people I meet.

 

I think I would perhaps be the least selfish person to date, maybe that's antoher thign, I'm meeting a lot of selfish people?

 

Also, some people might tout "You're not meeting the RIGHT person", but with a world full of selfish people or <insert undesirable characteristic here> people".

 

So let's say you're a pretty giving person, but you're meeting tons of selfish people for dating...and you're in a world full of selfish people....i can see how this could be a problem for you. And you're an environment where the people around you in general have questionable morals, beliefs and sometimes inadequacies where they too, shouldn't be dating themselves to be quite honest.

 

Let's say there's a red ball that's looking for a matching red ball in a large room of blue balls (no pun intended), you probably won't find anyone.

[d'Arthez]

You do have a point, I feel that I'm so unique in my morality and belief system, that most women don't equate to it.

Are you sure that is not a rationalization?

 

It is not about techniques. It is about being comfortable with yourself and who you are. At the moment, I don't have the impression (and I can be wrong) that you are not really comfortable with who you are. Neediness is a big turn-off, no matter who or what you are. I guess that is one of the reasons you are playing a numbers' game? I'd suggest working on the neediness first.

 

You can work on learning to pick up cues in dating profiles that suggest a person is not suitable for you. Usually people who are selfish give away cues that that is the case.

 

Sometimes improving your results is more about improving your method than anything else.

[gaius]

Hey! No one asked you what you thought. You're just suppose to sit there and look pretty Gauis.

 

V, Gauis is dying for me to answer your question...alas, I allude him still.

Silly girl. I don't need questions answered that I already know the answer to!

 

As far as the original topic, once you're ready for dating your body and mind will figure out what you need to do and just do it. It's almost like autopilot when you're really attracted to a woman and want her. Trying to work on yourself on a conscious level and force yourself into something you don't really want never works.

[Els]

Yeah, I get a kick out of how people say (with the women I've talked to, and seen on dating sites)

 

"I'm looking for my best friend who can be by my side"

 

And I say, "Oh, so you're not going to Friendzone them once the become you're Best friend"

 

I think it's a crock sometimes. I used to fall for the whole "best friend" thing, but it's never happened for me. We just wound up being "Best friends" but I'd never get as much as even a good night kiss.

 

*shrugs* Yet those women have genuinely had relationships with their best friends. Just not with you. Wonder why that is?