Why do you think you can't improve your dating life?

[ThaWholigan]

I'm starting to feel a little like joystick d ........

 

I sometimes wonder what constitutes as trying when it comes to improving. I keep reading "I tried x and tried y but nothing". It makes me think that people aren't going into it with the right attitude. Especially when it comes to dating.

 

Nothing is going to go right the 1st few times. Failure is almost guaranteed. The thing about failure is that you're supposed to learn from it and continue to go forth. You can ask why, ask for help, research, and then continue. True failure is to stop trying and give up, and just say it will never work. Don't do that.

 

Why don't you think it's going to look up for you? When are you going to bite the bullet and commit to not stopping UNTIL you see improvements, even if they take a long time to come?

 

Why don't you think you will improve???

 

[AD1980]

Sometimes its hard to know what to "improve" exactly..

 

If a women simply isnt physically attracted to you then theyres nothing you can do..

 

I think you basically just have to be yourself relax try to be funny an charming and take the results as they come..

 

I dont think with attracting women theyres some magic formula or answer that you can do to be sucessful besides not every women responds to the same things so i dont think doing things differently from one girl to the next is necassarily the way to go..

 

You have to put youself out there try to be an attratcive personality and hope for the best but the girls decision to be attracted or not is out of your hands..

[USMCHokie]

Because marked improvements to oneself don't show results.

[ALoveStudent]

You mention that you try "x and tried y" and nothing is working. But have you ever thought about trying less? Although we may not notice, if we try too hard to get a girls attention, it ends up having the opposite effect intended. For example, whenever my sister likes a guy, if that guy starts texting her constantly then she quickly looses interest. However when a guy plays it cool and is a bit mysterious, she goes bananas and is "in love" lol. With that said, many guys turn a girl off before even getting the opportunity to go on dates with them. so how about this..

 

next time you see a girl you're interested in, keep the conversation brief and just be funny and charming. Ask her for her number and then say "nice meeting you" and that's it. After this, don't contact her for any reason other than setting up a date. If she is interested she will accept. If not, she won't and then you have ur answer and don't need to waste your time.

 

Hope this helps!

[jobaba]

Sometimes its hard to know what to "improve" exactly..

If a women simply isnt physically attracted to you then theyres nothing you can do..

 

I think you basically just have to be yourself relax try to be funny an charming and take the results as they come..

 

I dont think with attracting women theyres some magic formula or answer that you can do to be sucessful besides not every women responds to the same things so i dont think doing things differently from one girl to the next is necassarily the way to go..

 

You have to put youself out there try to be an attratcive personality and hope for the best but the girls decision to be attracted or not is out of your hands..

 

Although that is mostly true, it is not completely true and I am evidence of it.

 

That's why you have to go through numbers. Go through numbers until you find the women who aren't sending naked pictures of themselves to tall handsome men.

 

Then, from those, you lay on the charm. You'll lose most, but if you play enough numbers, you'll hit one.

 

It will happen. Trust me. This advice is mostly for guys like you and I of course.

[AD1980]

You mention that you try "x and tried y" and nothing is working. But have you ever thought about trying less? Although we may not notice, if we try too hard to get a girls attention, it ends up having the opposite effect intended. For example, whenever my sister likes a guy, if that guy starts texting her constantly then she quickly looses interest. However when a guy plays it cool and is a bit mysterious, she goes bananas and is "in love" lol. With that said, many guys turn a girl off before even getting the opportunity to go on dates with them. so how about this..

 

next time you see a girl you're interested in, keep the conversation brief and just be funny and charming. Ask her for her number and then say "nice meeting you" and that's it. After this, don't contact her for any reason other than setting up a date. If she is interested she will accept. If not, she won't and then you have ur answer and don't need to waste your time.

 

Hope this helps!

 

Some of us cant even get to that part and get a number:laugh: beleive me ive tried the play it cool thign for all my years on earth hasnt worked

[ALoveStudent]

Some of us cant even get to that part and get a number:laugh: beleive me ive tried the play it cool thign for all my years on earth hasnt worked

 

Then you could always try this..

 

If you see a girl you're interested in, start a conversation with the girls around her. Then the girl you're actually interested in will wonder "hmm, what does this guy got?, he seems to be a ladies man". After you do that, talk to the new girl. it might still not work lol, but it will definitely increase your chances...

[fortyninethousand322]

Why don't you think you will improve???

 

I don't have a career/paying job, nor my own place. Also, by the time I do get those things I think I'll be a little too far behind.

 

I don't know, maybe I'm wrong. I just know if the shoe was on the other foot I don't think I'd date me.

[ThaWholigan]

Sometimes its hard to know what to "improve" exactly..

 

If a women simply isnt physically attracted to you then theyres nothing you can do..

 

I think you basically just have to be yourself relax try to be funny an charming and take the results as they come..

 

I dont think with attracting women theyres some magic formula or answer that you can do to be sucessful besides not every women responds to the same things so i dont think doing things differently from one girl to the next is necassarily the way to go..

 

You have to put youself out there try to be an attratcive personality and hope for the best but the girls decision to be attracted or not is out of your hands..

 

There isn't a magic formula, but there are methods that many men can use without being manipulative or without changing your core personality. Knowing how to accentuate the best of yourself is important, as is being able to navigate the social network more than adeptly.

 

I don't have a career/paying job, nor my own place. Also, by the time I do get those things I think I'll be a little too far behind.

 

I don't know, maybe I'm wrong. I just know if the shoe was on the other foot I don't think I'd date me.

 

Why don't you try to become the kind of person that you would date if you were a girl? Why tell yourself you can't?

 

I want to PM you some stuff, I may do it a little later

[irin]

i think the best thing to do is to stop obsessing over it, and start to talking to different people (alot of people) like fun conversations without coming on to them. and worrying about if they like or not. be friendly with lots of girls someone will like you. the trick is not to take personally or heart when rejected. but simply move on. and dont show any sign of desperation.

 

 

and never hit on more than two girls from the same friendship group, we laugh at those guys.

[cloud81]

I sometimes wonder what constitutes as trying when it comes to improving. I keep reading "I tried x and tried y but nothing". It makes me think that people aren't going into it with the right attitude. Especially when it comes to dating.

 

Nothing is going to go right the 1st few times. Failure is almost guaranteed. The thing about failure is that you're supposed to learn from it and continue to go forth. You can ask why, ask for help, research, and then continue. True failure is to stop trying and give up, and just say it will never work. Don't do that.

 

Why don't you think it's going to look up for you? When are you going to bite the bullet and commit to not stopping UNTIL you see improvements, even if they take a long time to come?

 

Why don't you think you will improve???

 

ThaWholigan, I'm afraid things are not always so easy.

 

In my case, I have been focusing on improving myself and trying new things for the last 4 years. Has my life, overall improved? Yes. Has my social life improved? A lot. But, has my dating life improved? Not one bit.

 

According to you, I should commit to not stop until I see improvements, but note that you are assuming that there will be improvements at some point. But after 4 YEARS, I am starting to not be so sure about that.

 

Also, of all the guys I have ever known who had trouble dating, I have never known of any who could actually manage to improve their attractiveness to women.

 

**This is not to be pessimistic, just speaking the facts I have lived/seen so far.

[zengirl]

My theory: Generally, a lot of people these days are lazy and want guarantees. They feel they cannot improve their dating lives because there is no guarantee. That is true, to a degree, with jobs nowadays too -- people who are unemployed who need to do something creative or really change to get a job often struggle to do so or find their way with no 'set path' or guarantees. You can, however, pick paths that are MORE guaranteed in jobs, if you wish, and more like schooling, where "if you do this, that generally happens" but these days that is getting harder and harder to find. In dating, that's almost impossible. There is no transactional property to it, really. People don't want to act without return for their efforts, and they want some kind of plan or guarantee or result. So they feel it is impossible to improve it, which isn't really true, though it is impossible to predict the result of making improvements down to a transactional result.

 

I've been stuck in that loop before with other things when I didn't understand how to get what I wanted, but I realized the best way is always to do EVERYTHING you can and go balls-out at your goal, without needing your goal to pan out. That's just a good trick for life.

[simplicitydating]

Try and Try until you succeed.

[Mr Scorpio]

Why don't you think you will improve???

 

Because there are too many mountains to climb.

 

1) I'm 32 and I don't have a career or my own place.

2) My social circle consists of single guys who don't go out (much less date), and guys whose wives have friends that I have zero interest in.

3) My time is extremely constrained by lawschool and then visiting my widowed, unemployed father.

4) I haven't gotten over my last failed relationship, or my ex.

5) My esteem has been shattered by being rejected with fake phone numbers, being called the wrong name while being rejected, etc.

[cloud81]

Try and Try until you succeed.

... and what if it's not a matter of insisting? After how many years could one say that the amount of effort is not worth it?

[verhrzn]

I don't know, therefore...

 

Seems as good an explanation as any!

[Disenchantedly Yours]

 

Why don't you think you will improve???

 

 

 

I don't think I'm really what most guys are looking for.

 

I have like 4 weddings coming up. My brother just got engaged and he wants to get married in the next 5 months and 3 of my cousins. I think they just must have something I simply don't. Except I don't know what that is. It's a little tough when everyone that's around your age starts getting married and you don't even have a boyfriend! I use to be okay with this and think it would happen in my own time but I'm loosing a little faith about that.

[ThaWholigan]

My theory: Generally, a lot of people these days are lazy and want guarantees. They feel they cannot improve their dating lives because there is no guarantee. That is true, to a degree, with jobs nowadays too -- people who are unemployed who need to do something creative or really change to get a job often struggle to do so or find their way with no 'set path' or guarantees. You can, however, pick paths that are MORE guaranteed in jobs, if you wish, and more like schooling, where "if you do this, that generally happens" but these days that is getting harder and harder to find. In dating, that's almost impossible. There is no transactional property to it, really. People don't want to act without return for their efforts, and they want some kind of plan or guarantee or result. So they feel it is impossible to improve it, which isn't really true, though it is impossible to predict the result of making improvements down to a transactional result.

 

I've been stuck in that loop before with other things when I didn't understand how to get what I wanted, but I realized the best way is always to do EVERYTHING you can and go balls-out at your goal, without needing your goal to pan out. That's just a good trick for life.

 

This is a great post. Surely, it is something I've been at great pains to learn for myself as I have had a history of poor organization (doctor cited severe dyspraxia as a possibility) which impacted my ability to maintain self-discipline. Therefore, every now and then I would shy away from something until it absolutely needed to be done. Then I would blitz my way toward it, and wonder why I didn't do that before . I tend to attack my goal from all different angles .

 

ThaWholigan, I'm afraid things are not always so easy.

 

In my case, I have been focusing on improving myself and trying new things for the last 4 years. Has my life, overall improved? Yes. Has my social life improved? A lot. But, has my dating life improved? Not one bit.

 

According to you, I should commit to not stop until I see improvements, but note that you are assuming that there will be improvements at some point. But after 4 YEARS, I am starting to not be so sure about that.

 

Also, of all the guys I have ever known who had trouble dating, I have never known of any who could actually manage to improve their attractiveness to women.

 

**This is not to be pessimistic, just speaking the facts I have lived/seen so far.

 

4 years.....isn't that long. Your life has improved you say? Well, that's the goal then. Don't worry about how bad your dating life is. Like I say, you have to keep going. Perhaps a change of attitude would help. I found that whenever I assumed that something was going to happen and held the belief that it would, generally it tended to happen. Sometimes quicker than I expected. Perhaps the difference is that I wouldn't attach myself emotionally to the outcome, as that would negate the power of my belief and magnify the impact of failure. Failing is something that happens to everyone, even the most successful among us - what separates the winners in life from everyone else is that failure is just another stepping stone. Keep that in mind .

 

Because there are too many mountains to climb.

 

1) I'm 32 and I don't have a career or my own place.

 

I'm 23, don't have a career (yet, potential is there) and I don't have my own place. Granted I'm nearly a decade younger, but I have much hope for my future. What career do you really want to go for? What are your financial goals?

2) My social circle consists of single guys who don't go out (much less date), and guys whose wives have friends that I have zero interest in.

I frequently change and add to my circle when I have the chance. You should do the same. Whatever your interests are, try to find compatriots within those fields

3) My time is extremely constrained by lawschool and then visiting my widowed, unemployed father.

This is fair. You could probably do well to try and make use of any free time you do have to cultivate some kind of joy in your life. Find what makes you happy outside of dating and attempt to make your life fulfilling in that way

4) I haven't gotten over my last failed relationship, or my ex.

Again, fair. Take your time if this is the case and try to observe your emotional life objectively. Your emotions work in tandem with your mind at this point, and your mind has a habit of playing tricks on you

5) My esteem has been shattered by being rejected with fake phone numbers, being called the wrong name while being rejected, etc.

I would caution against attaching your self worth to your social interactions, be they with women or with anyone else. Sounds difficult and a hard task it is. But try and challenge yourself to become immune to the perils of perceived rejection. Think of them like the stepping stones I mentioned above. Good luck

 

 

 

I don't think I'm really what most guys are looking for.

 

I have like 4 weddings coming up. My brother just got engaged and he wants to get married in the next 5 months and 3 of my cousins. I think they just must have something I simply don't. Except I don't know what that is. It's a little tough when everyone that's around your age starts getting married and you don't even have a boyfriend! I use to be okay with this and think it would happen in my own time but I'm loosing a little faith about that.

 

DY, I understand a little that this would be difficult. However I think that most guys isn't exactly what you're looking for either. I think you should be happy that you are the person you are and even flaunt the parts of your nature that make you happiest. If you do this often, you will find that the man you want to attract should naturally start to gravitate towards you.

 

Do you know what you want to have in your future outside of dating? If you take measures to get those things in your life, I reckon that the energy this will give you will reinvigorate you to start channeling more into your dating life .

[d'Arthez]

I don't think I'm really what most guys are looking for.

That is true for everyone. For me the chance that a random woman within my age bracket is suitable is probably something like 0.1%. Don't focus on the 99.9% who are not right for you, but rather on the 0.1% who are right for you.

[jobaba]

That is true for everyone. For me the chance that a random woman within my age bracket is suitable is probably something like 0.1%. Don't focus on the 99.9% who are not right for you' date=' but rather on the 0.1% who are right for you.[/quote']

 

Well. Let's say it more like 1%.

 

But being able to attract and date some of the 99% who are not right for you and be able to find that out is what most people get to do. I think that is more what she is saying.

[PJKino]

Because the answer if there is one isnt always something tangible..I can try to be more agressive approach more women and play the numbers game but aside from that what else can i do?

 

If there is something fundamentally wrong with myself my personality who iam in attracting women how would i know how to even change it or can i?

 

It's not easy to say hey im gonna change the core of who iam my whole personality and how i talk to people to try to get a women..

 

You are who you are for the most part..Obviously you can make tweaks that are visible like if you have thing like not beign able to hold a conversation extremely shy cant look a women in the eye thats something tangible you can try to fix..the core of who you are is not something you can tangibly change and say im somebody different now..

[Disenchantedly Yours]

DY, I understand a little that this would be difficult. However I think that most guys isn't exactly what you're looking for either. I think you should be happy that you are the person you are and even flaunt the parts of your nature that make you happiest. If you do this often, you will find that the man you want to attract should naturally start to gravitate towards you.

 

Well that's true. It's going to take someone pretty special to be with me. Not because I'm so fabulous and perfect but because I'm difficult in my own ways. But thanks for saying the part I bolded. I really liked that. Sometimes I feel like I need to conform who I am to fit better into my settings. I'm a little quarky and ecentric sometimes. My brother is this professional over-achiever and I'm a little more artys and still trying to figure things out that he seems to just have things come naturally to. But this past year I've been trying to work on other aspects of my life outside of dating. Which is one reason why I haven't been putting in the effort to date. There has just been too much going on with me personally. But I'm still a little lonely sometimes and while I am happy for my brother getting engaged and my cousins getting married (I seriously love all the ladies they are marrying - one of the girls I don't know well but she appears nice - my brother's fiance and the other girls are really cool and I'm really happy they found such nice women and I even prayed that my brother would find a nice girl because he's wanted to start a family for quite a while now and dated some girls that weren't too healthy), I still feel a little sad. Which makes me further unhapppy because I want to be able to be happy for them without it making me feel sad for me. I don't want them not to have things because I don't. I guess it just magnifies for me the spot I am in vs them. And makes me feel like they are moving to the next stage of their lives and I'm not.

 

 

Do you know what you want to have in your future outside of dating? If you take measures to get those things in your life, I reckon that the energy this will give you will reinvigorate you to start channeling more into your dating life .

 

I do and I'm working on it and I hope you're right about that.

 

Wholigan, you are seriously very good with people. You got to do something with that in your own future. I can't stress that enough. You got a gift there.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

That is true for everyone. For me the chance that a random woman within my age bracket is suitable is probably something like 0.1%. Don't focus on the 99.9% who are not right for you' date=' but rather on the 0.1% who are right for you.[/quote']

 

Do you actively try to date d'Arthez?

[verhrzn]

DY, can I ask how old you are?

[Disenchantedly Yours]

DY, can I ask how old you are?

 

You most certainly can. But I decline to answer this question in public. I will say that I am older then 25. I think I am older then you V.