Am I being paranoid? There is a history....

[kitty_9474]

Hello all – I’m new here and am hoping for some advice. I’ll try to make this story as short as possible.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for going on around four years. He’s given me reasons to not trust him in the past (texting ex girlfriends, new girls, etc.) which stoppedbut the big one was I caught him with his ex girlfriend a year ago around the same time! I forgave him and demanded NC in which he did.

 

Fast forward a year later…I’m around six weeks pregnant (not very happy about this as I'm on birth control)! He’s excited. Seems like it. I feel like I’m having post traumatic stress disorder with what happened last year and I’m feeling super hormonal and vulnerable right now.

 

 

Well, I haven’t checked the cell phone records in months and haven’t even so much asked about or looked at his phone. Well, yesterday he got a text message right when I got home and I looked through the side of my eye and noticed that he deleted the text after he read it. I know this because the phone he has is my old phone..I gave it to him. So I asked who it was and he said a co-worke rthan I said “you deleted it” and he said no.

 

 

He ran downstairs to throw laundry in and of course I had to look at it because I KNEW that he was fibbing. So my suspicion was right. He deleted the message. I told him nicely that I’m a bit concerned as I know he deleted the text and I’m wondering what is going on. He said if he deleted it,he didn’t realize it. UM, how do you not realize you’re deleting a text message? It’s not like it’s one quick step and done! Anyway, his first response was “Oh, so is this how this entire pregnancy is going to go?” I said no it’s not I’m just wanting you to be honest with me and not hide anything. I told him I don’t know what he’s doing and he said “I don’t know what you’re doing”.. I told him he KNOWS that I would NEVER cheat or disrespect him and our relationship (he knows that I’m a good trustworthy woman). I told him the way he responded with the whole “is this how this pregnancy is going to be” was very rude and not how a former cheating spouse should approach his vulnerable pregnant girlfriend. He said I’m sorry and “when would I have the time for anything like that?” “I devote my entire life to you”. He is always home with me after work and on weekends so if he were cheating it’s in the two hours before I get home or during work hours.

 

I told him that if he wanted to cheat he would make the time..all cheaters do. He said that I wasn’t being wise by accusing him. I told him that I wasn’t accusing him just asking a question and he has a history of cheating. He then said he doesn’t have a history of cheating. He seems to think that all that he’s done in the past is not cheating.

 

Anyway, I’m hormonal right now. I know this, and my head is everywhere. Deciding on what is right and wrong. I keep praying that the text was innocent but something that I could have lost it over or made a bigger deal about what it really was because I don’t trust him. Or he could have just deleted his co-workers text without realizing (highly doubt that one) or he’s cheating and hiding something.

 

I’ve found myself totally fixated on this all day today. Cried all morning at the thought of him doing something behind my back still even while I’m pregnant.

 

Any advice? Am I being hormonal and irrational? Or is this a legitimate concern and I should leave?

 

I do have total access to our cell phone records but I’m afraid to check. I’d be so much more devastated now that I’m pregnant. I’m torn.

 

What to do?

Edited June 14, 2012 by kitty_9474

[Joaquin]

With a history of lies and infidelity it is likely that he is up to no good. He is of that stock.

 

He never lost you before, so why would he fear losing you now, especially being pregnant he thinks you need him more than ever.

 

Until you have concrete evidence of something, say nothing, show nothing, react to nothing. I would fear more what i dont know than what i do, but I know some are great for denial.

 

Snoop for the next 3 months and reevaluate after that.

 

When you have concrete evidence, then make the appropriate moves, however difficult they may be.

Edited June 14, 2012 by Joaquin

[kitty_9474]

Thanks Joaquin - I feel the same way. Completely. He thinks now, more than EVER that I won't go anywhere. That is not the case though. I don't HAVE to have this child with him. As bad as that sounds, it's true.

 

I feel like I need to find concrete evidence now so I can make a decision. Please don't judge me but I need to do what is best for my life. I'm thinking bringing a child into the world with him, with his past behavior is not a great idea.

 

Am I wrong?

 

Are there strong odds that it will stop with a baby? Probably not. Time to snap out of denial!

 

P.S. Joaquin - What do you mean he is of that stock? Sorry I'm having one of those moments. Once a cheater always a cheater, regardless?

[Radu]

Thanks Joaquin - I feel the same way. Completely. He thinks now, more than EVER that I won't go anywhere. That is not the case though. I don't HAVE to have this child with him. As bad as that sounds, it's true.

 

I feel like I need to find concrete evidence now so I can make a decision. Please don't judge me but I need to do what is best for my life. I'm thinking bringing a child into the world with him, with his past behavior is not a great idea.

 

Am I wrong?

 

Are there strong odds that it will stop with a baby? Probably not. Time to snap out of denial!

 

P.S. Joaquin - What do you mean he is of that stock? Sorry I'm having one of those moments. Once a cheater always a cheater, regardless?

 

Look at the text records and find out what it was.

If it was innocent, then you still have a problem ... his reaction.

That's not how a cheating spouse who was caught red handed several times [texting and with the other girl] and who has proven constantly to not be trustworthy should act.

 

Nobody will judge you wrong for choosing to abort [i think you can do that only in the 1st trimester so you are down to 6 weeks left], if he will be the father.

I also don't know your age, but if you manage to keep your cool with doing something like this i think you will be fine in the long term.

 

You just need better boundaries in the future, so you can walk away when you see this for the 1st time instead of when it's the n-th time.

[dasein]

Agree with radu, look at text records if possible and pull up the call history. Were he totally honest he would have told you who texted him and why he insta deleted it. He didn't and was sketchy. I agree his resort to "is this how the pregnancy is going to be?" was rude also. You may be a little hormonal over this, that's to be expected, but he is also being sketchy. Good luck.

[YellowShark]

A person with nothing to hide, hides nothing. Deleting texts so you cant see them is hiding something.

[kitty_9474]

Hi everyone - Thanks for all of your advice. I know the whole if there was nothing to hide he wouldn't hide but with me he knows that I don't trust and he knows that even if it were an innocent text from a female co-worker or even a male friend that I would read into it and go into a hissy fit and starting thinking crazy things.

 

Is that a possibility? I'm trying to think of EVERYTHING because I have such a big decision to make.

 

Timing on this one is just horrible...

 

I need to talk to him though...let him know that if he doesn't shape up then he's out. I'm not STUCK with him because of the state I'm in.

 

P.S. Is it POSSIBLE that this baby will change things? Or am I just a naive girl? He seems so happy. Wanting to do the right thing, buy a home for us, etc.

 

It's bizarre to me that someone who seems so dedicated would have a double life? Ya know?

[Joaquin]

After he cheated on you it is up to him to earn your trust back by behaving in a trustworthy way and being seen to be behaving in a trustworthy way.

 

If you feel anxious, kinda like yr sleeping with one eye open with this ass clown, it is because he isn't doing enough.

 

He broke yr trust and he must bend over backwards to repair it. He needs to be an open book with you.

 

This can take years but it is the road your on by staying with a cheater. Some couples never recover the trust.

 

As to double lives, that's kinda the cheating way, isn't it?

 

My earlier suggestion stands in that I would keep the cool and go into snoop mode.

Edited June 15, 2012 by Joaquin

[kitty_9474]

Right Joaquin! You're absolutely right. The only thing that he does is be home every night and every weekend but then again he has a super flexible job where he can take time off to cheat or in the 2 hours before I get home. He's off at 2:30 and I'm off at 4:30. He does normally call or text to let me know that he's there.

 

My mom always says though a cheater will always find a way to make it happen.

 

Yes, I totally still sleep with one eye open and am on guard...paranoid doesn't even begin to describe the person I've become. It stinks. Truth is, I don't believe I'll ever trust him. Reason being, even after I caught him with his ex and he moved back in with me there were times he came home smelling of perfume and his underwear would sometimes have weird stains (stains that I know he would get from him and I being together) but we weren't together those days so that just made me feel that he never stopped.

 

Again, I'm totally paranoid. Beyond so he could have just been taking care of himself but it looked more like stains from being with someone and putting his underwear right back on.

 

I guess all of the signs are there and I'm a vulnerable girl in denial believeing that my unconditional love will make him want to do the right thing. He would be losing out on ALOT with me. I'm attractive, have a great job, am SO much fun to be with, help take care of his daughters when he has them...I'm like the total package (totally not trying to sound conceited). That's why it's amazing to me that he would risk what he has....

 

Guess you don't know what you have until it's gone, right?

 

I know if I left him he would just be on to the next girl and relationship because that's how he is..he can't be alone. Makes me sad because I wonder if he'll ever change for the next person..I guess that's stupid pride on my part!

 

I'm going to (after this weekend) check the cell phone records and make moves if need be. I'm 37 and not getting any younger. I don't want to waste another 4 years of my life on someone who can't be devoted and faithful to me...

 

It's scary though because sometimes I feel too old..like will anyone want a single 37 year old woman? lol! Silly huh?

[Joaquin]

Best of luck whatever comes of checking.

 

6 mths ago I broke up with a girl who couldn't stay away from her ex. Don't think she cheated but her sneaking about started turning me mental. I snooped and she had been meeting up with him behind my back. Within 3 hours she was out of my life.

 

I'm a similar age to you and during my situation friends were getting married having kids etc so I kinda understand a bit about that feeling of wanting to make progress.

Edited June 15, 2012 by Joaquin

[Leigh 87]

I would have left him the first time.

 

I would not ever be able to feel safe and happy with a man who cheated.

 

Not only did you take him back, but he is not bending over backwards to try to make you feel secure and safe and like YOUR the only girl for him.

 

He is being a complete pig. A jerk. You deserve better.

 

I cannot believe you have not left him. Your love is blinding you to the reality - a man who is in love with their partner, DOES NOT hide texts from girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

He likes you and is attached enough to you to stay, but it is not the type of love you want from a man! You deserve a guy who ONLY wants to be with you!

 

Please - you say your good looking and have a lot going for you... so, why the heck are you staying with a guy, who treats you like dirt? He may care about you, and what happens to you; he likes being with you, but he is not crazy about you. Not enough to remain loyal and honest with you.

 

YOU DESERVE BETTER!

[kitty_9474]

You all have me feeling so much stronger. Please keep talking to me. I’m so happy that I have found this forum.

 

Also, he’s a total jerk! I can’t talk to him about ANYTHING without feeling punished. This morning I saw that he was connected to an estranged cousin of mine on a social network. I don’t trust her AT ALL. The reason I don’t trust her is because she slept with one of my cousin’s husbands behind her back. Anyway I asked him how they got connected. He said that he didn’t know. I said you don’t know if she requested you or if you requested her and he said no, why is it a problem? He was so mean. I told him that we’ll talk about it later because we’re at work and he hung up on me. He texted me and said “I’m not screwing your cousin because we connected on linkedin”. He told me to watch my mouth and how I talk to him and to learn that if I never want to get hung up on to not bother him with stupid stuff. He said that I need to learn, grow, progress and move forward. I can’t believe he said that to me!! All because I brought my cousin up that is a total cheating dirt bag even to her own family members and he didn’t even give me a chance to explain why I was wanting to talk to him about it. I’m concerned. Hell, I don’t trust either of them!

 

He said he’s tired of me accusing him. That I accused him the other day when he deleted the text and now I’m bringing up my cousin. He said that I’m wasting his time and my time on stupid stuff. That I need to grow up and learn and move forward.

 

If anything I haven’t moved forward in life because of him! He contributes as much as he can towards bills but he lives with ME! I COOK, I CLEAN, I help him with his daughters! I pay for the majority of the damn rent and bills. If anyone is holding anyone back it’s him doing that to me. I can’t tell him that though. He seems to think for some crazy reason that it’s the other way around.

 

I’m sort of sick to my stomach because today is my first prenatal appointment and he is supposed to be coming with. Me asking about my cousin has thrown him into a tizzy and I’m having a panic attack right now. He said “look at what your stupid comment today has gotten us to!” I feel like things are my fault and maybe I should just be quiet then he would change. I just don’t know what to do. I feel so lost and confused. Is it me?

 

He has me feeling like everything is my fault and if I would just be happier and more positive that things would be better. I just don’t know what to do. I’ve tried every approach with him. From being super nice and not whining and ever saying a word to being a total “you know what” to him and nothing works. It’s always my fault. He’s NEVER said where is wrong in something. EVER. Never has said this is what I need to work on. It’s always you,you, you.. If you would do this than I would do this, etc. etc.

 

I don’t even ask for much. Just to be honest, talk to me and reassure me when it’s needed and make me feel special. Haven’t had that happen in ages. He says he loves me all of the time but I can’t tell you the last time he took me out for a nice dinner.

 

I give so much and ask for hardly anything. I’m pregnant with his child and he loses it on me over legitimate concerns. Says that I’m making things up in my head, etc.

 

I need strength to move on from him. I think now a reason I stay is because he makes it seem like I have the problem and if I’d just change.

 

I'm at work and can't even hold my tears back. I told him that all he had to do was TALK to me. It's really not that hard. That's what normal people in healthy relationships do. I'm so sad right now.

[Joaquin]

I suggested that until you have concrete evidence of something, say nothing, show nothing, react to nothing.

 

Good to see you taking notice of my brilliant advise

[wow04]

I have never cheated. I had a BF, years ago, that accused me all the time of cheating. I started getting pissed everytime he mentioned it. I ended it due to his insecurity.

 

What I am saying is wait until you get proof. If he is cheating you will get the proof. If someone gets accused of something they aren't doing, eventually they are going to go off.

 

With your BF's past you have reason for concern. Just get your ducks in a row before you confront him with this.

[kitty_9474]

Joaquin - I know. I totally lost it when I saw that he was connected to her. If that were going on behind my back I would seriously about lose my mind.

 

Wow04-I know where you're coming from but you never cheated. My boyfriend has. Numerous times. So it's very hard to not think things are going on.

 

I'm sure my intuition is right.

 

I'm just super ticked off right now. The balls that he has after all I do for him, etc.

 

I'm done saying anything to him FOR NOW. I will check those records probably this weekend. Petrified though.

[Joaquin]

Keep in mind that before you go down the road here you need concrete evidence.

 

A log that shows he called a number may be easily side stepped. 20 texts in one night to an unknown number may also be explained away by an experienced liar.

 

You need admissions by him in writing to other people that **** went down and/or shows he is lying to you. You need the truth in black and white in front of your own eyes so you can make the right move for you. These characters eventually let their guard down and you will find something if it's there.

Edited June 15, 2012 by Joaquin

[kitty_9474]

Joaquin - The first time I caught him he was texting a co-worker twenty times a day until 5:00 when I got home and all activity stopped. Then and on weekend but right back at it when the work week started. He insisted just a friend (a friend he NEVER mentioned to me) and that it would stop. Well it did because I blocked her number.

 

Anyway, when I left him the first time I found an email (he left his email up) from her saying that she's surprised he reached out to her. That she may "seem" happy because she's not so effed up over him like she was before and that she can be a good friend if he wants to let her in and she can show him her real side.

 

WHY would she have said "so effed up over you" if there was nothing, right?

 

When I look up these numbers and I find that any of these people he's in contact with are ex's or people he's been caught doing things with I think that woulde be enough, right? When you promise to NEVER contact those people again and it's still going on that's bad.

 

I will never get concrete evidence. The biggest concrete evidence I got was when I caught him having a sleep over with his ex girlfriend. Busted.

 

So how else can I get concrete evidence if it's only text messages, etc.? See what I mean? I don't know what to do.

 

He will NEVER admit he's done something wrong. According to him texting his co-worker and having a sleep over with his ex were NOT CHEATING.

 

Do you see what I'm dealing with here? He'll NEVER.

[Joaquin]

Well if the logs will be enough for you to get the truth you need then fair enough, go with that.

 

You don't need him to admit more cheating for you to leave.

 

You probably should have left him already for previous lying and cheating, and then failing to show true remorse and do all YOU need him to do to build trust back.

 

In my situation, I had for some time felt something was a bit off with her and for a period of time she was being weird with her phone.

 

One day I looked at the call log and rang the number and it was her ex. I confronted her and she was able to explain it away to me. We continued as normal.

 

But, at this point I went for the lot, texts, emails etc. I wanted the truth. I wasn't doing it half hearted, I wanted to know who the heck I was dealing with.

 

I had my black and white in an email almost 1 month after the phone incident where I got confirmation she had met up with him, and wasn't being very honest about her level of commitment to me.

 

Patience was needed for me to get the truth, which only confirmed what my intuition had been telling me in the first place.

 

This was my first, and hopefully will be my last, relationship involving snooping.

Edited June 15, 2012 by Joaquin

[kitty_9474]

Right Joaquin I should have left the first time. I hate that I have to snoop too. It sucks.

 

So we went to the prenatal appt and saw everything. I felt like I was alone. No kisses, no holding hands, etc. this was supposed to be a special moment but he's angry and bitter because I brought up my cousin. It's amazing to me how he's done such horrible things and i have forgiven! I ask a legitimate question and i

I'm punished!?!

 

It's all wrong. I told him that I just want for him to understand me and he flat out said no one will ever understand you! Like I'm a complicated and bad person. I'm a good woman who was cheated on who is STILL by your side still loving you and trying to give you a chance to make things right. He puts me down and makes me feel like I'm the problem here.

 

I'm starting to think that he's a full blown narcissist. He takes no blame or admits wrong ever.

 

I'm officially drained today. I'm mentally exhausted.

[Leigh 87]

Wow.

 

Can you do me a favour?

 

Next time you look in the mirror, stay there for an extra second.

 

Remind youself that your worthy of a guy who treats you very well.

 

You deserve a guy who truly loves you, and makes you feel special.

 

You deserve a guy who does not leave doubts, regarding any cheating.

 

It is hard for you - your attached to a guy, and are carrying his baby. You would have a lot of feelings for him, based on your past with him, and your time spent with him.

Your attached to him, on some level, even though you KNOW you deserve better.

Please, I hope you KNOW you cannot live a happy life with this man. For starters, he cheated once. Now, he is talking to girls behind your back and lying about it... if he IS NOT doing it, he is certainly making no effort to reassure you.

He SHOUL:D reassure you! He should be fighting to keep you, after he cheated the first time!

I do not actually think that a man who is really in love and totally crazy and who DESPERATELY wants to keep their partner, WOULD even cheat... Most men who are head over heald, crazily in love, DON'T cheat.

 

Why would you stay with this man? What course of action should you take?

 

My honest opinion, is:

 

Why you have not left him

 

- you are attached to him, because of the time you have spent with him.

- he has said he loves you

- you have bonded over a long time frame

- you are attached, and it will be hard to leave a man you are attached to

- you would rather things magically be OKAY, and that you and him will live happily ever after.

- you would rather a happy ending, than leave a guy you have become attached to.

 

What I think you should do

 

- accept and come to terms with the fact that this is not a man you will lead a happy life with.

- tell him that the way he is treating you is not making you happy.

- explain that your not happy in the relationship, and that your going to leave the relationship

- accept that it will be extremely hard to leave a man you have grown attached to and bonded with, but the short term pain of leaving him, will be far better than the long term hell of living with him

- know in the long run, you will have to suffer some pain now, so that in the future, u can find a guy who adores you and never makes you doubt his love for you.

 

 

 

 

Remember.. the short term ( but intense) pain of leaving him, will be FAR BETTER than avoiding the huge short term pain of leaving him, but having to live with a man who your not truly happy with.

 

Leave him now, to find a guy who adores you and your happy with.

 

Or stay with this man and avoid the short term pain of the break up, but miss out on a far happier life with a man who adores you.

 

 

I have tried to be as clear as possible. You should not stick around with a guy who is not treating you wonderfully.

You should not be with a guy, who you think is talking to other girls.

[Radu]

With an experienced liar you will never get absolute closure.

Even if you catch said liar screwing an ex he/she will still find a way to twist it.

That's because these ppl don't rationalize everything externally to fool you.

They rationalize everything internally, they actually believe the **** they say.

 

If they lie to themselves, are you really surprised they lie to you ?

 

I don't think you will abort, you will drag your feet untill you keep the baby and there is no turning back.

I hope when you do have the baby, that you realize ... it's not the baby's fault.

It's your fault for accepting this kind of bull**** [after 4yrs trust me ... he has warped your sense of reality badly], and his fault for not giving a damn if he hurts the one who will raise his child and eventually his child as well.

 

Time to turn to your support system, what family do you have ?

[kitty_9474]

Hello everyone – Thanks for all of the support and advice. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with.

 

Leigh87 – Thank you so much for taking the time to write all of that! It means a lot. It’s so hard to believe that a man who says he’s crazy about me and loves me would cheat on me. I think it’s an internal issue of his though. According to him he’s cheated on every girl he’s been with, with the exception of his ex wife. He said he wanted to get married, settle down and do the right thing and he stopped being a cheater. So does this mean he’s capable of being a good man to the “right” woman? Or is he probably lying and did cheat on her? According to her (I did ask) he never cheated on her. She cheated on him. But she’s the type who is so in love with herself she didn’t notice or care to notice or she was too busy cheating so didn’t notice, right?

 

 

I know that I should be telling myself that I’m worthy, etc.but he really has me wondering if I am. I feel like I have so many issues. Like he says that people always say that I’m crazy and that I have issues and he told me that no one will ever understand me truly makes me feel like wow, really? I guess I am a nutcase who doesn’t know how to be in a relationship and I will never find anyone. He told me that him and I will never agree on anything but he loves me so he decides to stay around. As if he’s doing me a favor?!?! I told him that I’m capable of having healthy relationships and I have in the past. That I was with my ex fiancé for 6 years and he understood me. He told me “because someone sticks around with you for long because of your pu**y doesn’t mean that they understand you”. There he made it seem like guys are only with me for my looks and sex. So I really feel like I’m not worthy and no one will want me, etc. I truly look in the mirror and don’t even know who I am anymore. When I look at myself all I see is ugliness. I don’t see an attractive woman anymore. I hate the way I look,feel inside, etc. I feel disgusting in every way and I compare myself to other woman constantly. The woman that I caught him with..I’m even comparing myself to my cousin now. Thinking that all of these other woman are better than me. I’m at an all time low.

 

I sometimes feel like if I’m positive minded and happy go lucky like his ex wife who is always on top of the world and so happy that he would change. He says that he hates that I’m so negative. It’s hard for me to be positive though sometimes with what I’m being handed. A man who after 4 years has still not married me and now that I’m pregnant still nothing and who is so moody and controlling,etc. How can I be happy? Right? See, I feel like it’s me.

 

 

Radu – I come from a very dysfunctional family so I do not associate with them. I haven’t in many many years. Only with my grandparents whom I adore. I have one friend who I can talk to about this and one friend who I used to have for a ton of support who has turned this topic of discussion off. She hates him and says that all our negativity has brought her down and she can’t see her friend go through what I’m going through so she chooses not to hear about it. I can understand where she’s coming from.

 

 

As far as being pregnant he is the ONLY person whoknows. I feel so alone without this site. I’m at a place in my life in where I have to make such a huge decision.

 

I am 37 going on 38 and I have a beautiful healthy 18 year old daughter who just graduated high school. I’m at a point where I can be free to live a good life. Have fun with her now, etc. Do I want to bring a child into this world and start all over again? As most likely a single mom again?

 

Or do I want to take a risk of bringing an unhealthy child into the world. With my age the odds of having a child with down syndrome or chromosomal deformities are higher. Also, I had preeclampsia (high blood pressure) with my daughter and had to be induced because I could have died or she could have. The doctor said my odds for having this again are higher and it can be a life threatening issue. Is it worth it with a man like him?

 

He is a great father with his two daughters now and has so much potential. He told me that once he’s a devoted doting father there is no going back. He’s in for the long run. He’s not into being married though or being rushed into marriage. He wants a family life with me though. I just don’t get him. Yesterday he was talking of buying a home together and talking about our "future" for the baby.

 

So I’m torn in a spot of do I terminate and move on with my life or do I bring a child into this world with an unstable future. It can go either way. I feel like if he were a better man there would be no question in my mind. I would move forward with the risks and all. I just want a good life with a good man. I’m so in love with his potential. There is so much of it.

 

 

It’s all so heartbreaking. I’ve been waking up every night the last few nights in a state of panic and anxiety as I know I need to make my decision soon. It’s so sad that if I decide to abort that I’m going through this all alone. It will be a “secret” that I will have to hide from him and I feel guilty doing that. That’s not my type but if I have to to make sure that my life falls in the right place, that’s what I have to do.

 

I’ve been praying so hard on all of this. No answers though. I don’t know what to do.

 

Again, thank you for all being so patient and supportive. I feel like I’ve officially hit rock bottom.

Edited June 18, 2012 by kitty_9474

[Leigh 87]

You have a healthy daughter, and going through this mess, although horrible, will make you stronger.

 

You know how it will go - this fees like complete hell now, but in the long run, you will be a MUCH better person for having the courage to deal with losing love and making the RIGHT desision - which is to be scared and uspet and alone - rather than trying to make things work with a man you know is wrong for you.

 

 

He just does not sound like the sort of man you truly deserve. He says he is crazy about you - but remember, the facts are:

 

- he cheated once

- he is not bending over backwards to make you certain that your the only girl for him.

 

The way you describe him, sounds like you should definately leave him. Having your child, personally- it is a very persoal desision!!!!!! A HUGE desision.

 

Of course, once you have the child you would love it and not be able to imagine life without it! You have had a daughter, you know this.NOt having it would make you think about it and you would never forget it.

Having a child or not - it would always be something with you, be it happiness over their life, or sadness over the loss.

 

The thing is - they are not alive yet, in the sense they can feel and experience life enough to miss it if it is gone. Are you doing okay financially? Do you have strong plans to travel or have a life to yourself? Will having a child stop you from ever having any of the financially available things that you WANT?

Personally, I do not want children at all, because I started work and career and adult stuff at an older age, and the moey I start making at age 25 I need for ME; not for a child I would barly be able to support. I am not ready to give my life up, not before I travel and se the world.

In fact, I would rather work and save money to travel and spend on spcial outings and on ME - I have other priorities than a child.

 

I really feel for you, I have no idea what your going through but it must be r eally, really hard. Beyond hard. I encourage you ti post your story on other websites to get more people to reach out to you - you may come accross a lot of people who have had an abortion and who know what your going through, and there fore, better able to offer you support.

 

All I know is - you love a guy, and you sound like a nice person who deserves a man who treats yout he way you need to be treated.

I would at least take time apart from him. Try to get over him, give it time, if after a few months he is just hopeless without you, leet HIM bend over backwards to get you back.

He just should not get away with cheating, I would not be able to take a man back, even if it was utter hell leaving him afterwards.

 

... At first, after he cheated, did he really try to apologise and make things right?.... once he begged for you back and begged you to stay, or whatever, did he just stop putting effort in to get your trust back?

... ONce you cheat, you have to be mature enough to realize that; cheating almost never works out with the person you cheated on. To work out, you must really think your madly in love with them, and committ to a relationship that is a little different than other ones.

After cheating, to make it work, he has to realize things need to be different for you two! It IS different after cheating. Thigs are not the same. TO make it work, he needs to realize it is different now,a nd committ to constantly building and reinforcing trust.

[kitty_9474]

Leigh87 – I’m not ready for another child really. I want to travel the world with my daughter. I’ve looked forward to these times ever since she was born. Financially, I can do it if I had to but one of the reasons I can is because with my 40 hour a week day job I also bartend every other weekend and this helps us live comfortably. How can I bartend while pregnant? Like I said, I can if I had to but I don’t know if I want to do that again.

 

To think of sleepless nights, changing diapers, having to play chauffer again, etc. I’ve already done that. It wasn’t easy but I did it and I’m so free of that now. Does this sound really selfish? When I had my daughter I

always said I was one and done. I had no plans for kids in my future.

 

Like I said, I can see if he were a better man than I’d probably think more of having it but we’re all seeing that is not the case…the potential is there but again, how can I be in love with someone’s potential if they’ll never change?

 

As far as when he cheated he was the most remorseful I’ve ever seen him for anything and believe me that’s a lot because he never does wrong and never apologizes (in his eyes). He cried, admitted that he was wrong, said that he never wanted to see the devastated look that I had on my face again, that he loved me and wanted to get married, promised to be a good man to me. He said that nothing happened, it was just a sleep over because he ran into her at a bar and she was too drunk to drive.

 

Now, when I bring it up…he wasn’t wrong. He didn’t cheat, doesn’t have a “history” of being that type of guy. Even so much goes to say that he never had sex with her which is a lie because when we first started dating he told me they did. So now, nothing. He didn’t do anything wrong. Amazing huh? How do you go from being remorseful and saying it was wrong to a year later saying you did nothing wrong so you don’t have to talk about it anymore or prove anything to me. It’s beyond twisted.

 

This is where now that I think about it more and more I’m thinking I have a full blown narcissist on my hands.

 

This is really hard because I love him so much and I’m so attached to him and I feel worthless without him. I know that I have so much to offer but againI feel like I’ve lost myself.

 

It’s a tough decision to make. I have so many "what if's?"

 

Also, when I caught him with her and he moved back in with me from our old home I found out he went to get coffee at the Starbucks that is directly connected to her place of employment. She works up the street from where his daughters live but it's really out of the way for him to drive and get coffee there. Isn't that crazy? So did it stop right away or ever?

Edited June 18, 2012 by kitty_9474

[Joaquin]

He wouldn't even admit wrong doing. He was never remorseful for lies and cheating and you took him back. He never lost you so he never learnt. That is your fault not his. Completely your fault.

 

You don't sound like you need him. He doesnt sound like he meets your relationship needs.

 

Do you really want him?

 

You need to start being honest with yourself and stop blaming him for your inability to be in a healthy relationship.

 

From Elisabeth kubler Ross.

 

"....When people are frustrated in repeat relationships, it's as if they're looking for milk in a hardware store. No matter how many times they go up and down the same aisles they're not going to find any milk. If you want love, tenderness, and affection in your relationships, but you have chosen a person who clearly can't give it to you, it's time to choose someone else. Don't allow people to be reckless with your love, your heart, and your tenderness. And don't allow old definitions dictate your present life. You can rewrite the rule book by learning to honour yourself and others, and by recording over the old tapes. You can find a new definition of love for yourself, one that truly means treating the other person as valuable, as worthy of great love and care. And you can expect that same treatment for yourself. Whatever it is, it is yours to define for yourself this lifetime...."

Edited June 18, 2012 by Joaquin