Should I continue contacting him? Have I been used? I want him back!

[YourArmsAreMyHome]

Hello everyone. Nice to meet you all! I feel a little lost and confused: I could do with some advice from someone who isn't a close friend or relative. Any advice will be hugely appreciated and I am more than happy to help others out in return. All I ask is that you be honest! Apologies for the length: Please bear with me!

 

My ex boyfriend left me at the end of last month. We had been together for three months. Although that isn't a particularly long time, we clicked the moment we met and our relationship became serious fairly quickly. My ex has a record for only being in long-term relationships and having no interest in flings, one night stands etc. so it looked very promising. We were both deeply in love and committed to being together. We both live in England: We do live rather far from one another, but it wasn't difficult to find cheap coach tickets and we saw each other every two weeks or so.

 

However, we both have depression amongst other issues. We are both seeking counselling for our problems and at first, it never interfered with our relationship. I have security issues but never let them show. I am not a clingy person and am usually good at keeping myself in check. We never argued, I never behaved jealously when he was around other girls (which helped me gradually build up trust in him and vice versa), I didn't pressure him (if anything, he took the lead when it came to our relationship developing into something serious) and I was always patient and supportive. We sent texts to each other very frequently, but I never put him under pressure to reply within any particular time-frame. As far as I know, he was very enthusiastic about having a future with me.

 

However - although I do not hold this against him - I feel I put more effort into the relationship. I always visited him and paid for the tickets. Since I lived in a horrible environment until recently (I lived in a single room with my father, in a house owned by a drug addict), I would not have wanted him to visit. In addition, he was at the end of his degree and needed to focus on university. However, he never contributed towards tickets (he offered and it never materialised). I proof-read every essay he wrote this year. He has dyslexia, so he struggles with grammar and the like. I bought him a DS as a present for getting through his dissertation, and some other treats last month for finishing his degree (he has never bought anything for me). Following our break-up, I sent him support for an injured part of his body. Some might think that it's insane to send anything to your ex immediately after separating, but I promised I would beforehand and I do not break my promises. I also made a big effort to satisfy him intimately, buying nice lingerie, useful products etc.

In retrospect, he failed to contribute. He sat back and kept taking.

 

When I give something, I do so without expecting anything in return. While this still stands, I cannot help but wonder if his lack of contribution was perhaps because he was less invested in our relationship? I bought him those gifts to express how proud I was of him and to make him feel special. It wasn't for the purpose of "buying" love.

But...It makes me wonder if I have spent three months being a doormat, doing everything I could to make him happy, and if he just took what he wanted then left. I feel horrible for feeling this way, because I love him to pieces and see him as a genuine man, but these thoughts sneakily invade my mind often. This has happened in previous relationships: Many people have taken advantage of me and played with my feelings. I hate the idea of him being the same, but I can't help but consider the possibility. Are my feelings justified?

 

He told me he separated from me because he is not ready for a relationship. Yes, I know this is cliche, but what I feel sets him apart is the fact he has a lot to cope with in terms of family issues and his mental health. I believed him. He claimed he could not focus on a relationship while his family is falling apart and that he needs to focus on counselling.

 

Here is my problem: I fully accept that he needs to focus on himself and his issues. In fact, I told him this myself throughout our relationship. However, I told him that I would never expect him to put me before his issues, and I mean that. Yes, it would have been nice if he made a little more effort, but I never expected anything ridiculous. I simply wanted to love and support him as his girlfriend. That's still all I want: All else can be worked on gradually when our issues have been resolved. I told him everything I felt, but he was adamant that he needed to be alone. I accepted this and offered my full support.

He told me that it had nothing to do with me and that at another time I would have been perfect. He said his love for me would not change, that he doesn't want to lose me completely and that he hopes we could re-look at our relationship when issues have been dealt with.

 

My thought is this: If I am so "perfect" for him, was it really necessary to end everything? I personally don't believe so. Truthfully, it feels as though he is pushing away all of my love and support. It has left me feeling hopeless.

 

Since then, I have been left feeling confused. I never followed the "No contact rule", because I worried for his well being: I worried about him so much it made me physically ill.

Initially, for the first few days, I sent him two brief texts daily: I sent one every morning wishing him the best of luck with whatever he was going to face during the day, and one every evening asking how his day went. That seemed to go down well and he kept me updated.

 

One day, I was joking around with him. We often bullied one another playfully but we both had a great laugh from doing so. However, this time I had offended him. I became very upset over it, apologised and gave him space. He got back in touch a couple of days later and behaved as though nothing happened. Since then though, I took his heightened emotions as a sign that I ought to step back, so I did. Instead of contacting him daily, I contacted him every few days or so and never tried to string out a conversation.

 

Here is what I am unsure about: In relation to contact, he has only ever initiated contact once since our separation. All other times, I always text him to see how he is. I'm wondering if this means he would rather not talk and whether I should simply stop initiating contact entirely. My biggest fear if I do this is that he will never bother initiating contact again and that we will entirely lose touch.

 

Additionally, he recently visited a friend he used to date for the first time in a long while. He told me once she had been chasing after him for a long time but that for a couple of years (until he met me), he simply didn't want to be with anyone. However, he seems to be spending quite a bit of time with her now (he spent the night there and I am sure they were together last night as well) and I wonder whether or not he has already moved on. Usually I'm very blunt, but this is a question I have refrained from asking him because it might be too soon and I know it technically is not my business. Plus, if I am wrong I will feel dreadful. Are there any signs I should look out for that indicate he has moved on from me?

 

A small note also is that I bought him presents for his graduation before we split. And he knows it. Should I still send these to him? He knows I purchased them so it would feel wrong to not send them on the basis of the fact we are no longer together. However, I don't want him to see me as a doormat who will buy him things constantly.

 

Lastly, do I stand a chance of getting him back? Or is it really a matter of giving it time and seeing what happens? I do not want to interfere with his counselling or family, but I don't feel I ever did so to begin with and wish he would give our relationship another chance. After all, I have as much to deal with in regards to my past, my family etc. but I dealt with my problems maturely enough to not let them ruin out relationship. Is it possible to change his mind without him seeing me as a threat to his personal issues? What should I do next?

 

I hope someone out there can help me put my mind at rest and advise me. Thank you so much for reading.

[Philosoraptor]

I think you need to take his words at face value, he does have work to do. But I wouldn't hold out a ton of hope as this was a very short relationship. For now just work on yourself, grow as a person, move on, and let life happen.

 

I wouldn't pursue contact though as he made it clear he needed to work on himself. If he comes around you can re-evaluate then... but for now just learn to accept that it's over.

[LoverOfDance]

Yes. I know this is not what u want to hear but the answer is yes - he has most likely moved on. If a guy isn't initiating contact, it is NEVER a good sign. If a guy wants to talk to u, trust me he will. And if he isn't doing that, take that as a sign that u need to just let him be. It is very difficult and I've been there and I've realized that it is a complete waste of time trying to keep in touch with him if he's not trying at all to keep in touch with you. I know it's difficult, but don't avoid the inevitable. You guys will eventually go your seperate ways and lose touch for a while or maybe even forever. You just need to accept it and just know that you'll be fine with or without him.

[YourArmsAreMyHome]

Philosoraptor: Thank you. I appreciate your response. I will take a step back, let him work on his issues and focus on mine. Many I have spoken to stated that if he truly wanted to talk to me, he would make an effort despite his issues. As much as I hate to admit it, they are right.

 

LoverOfDance: Thanks a lot. I won't assume he has moved on, but I suspect he has so for the moment I will simply leave him alone. If he wanted me, I imagine he wouldn't have left me so suddenly or would have at least tried harder to keep in touch. Perhaps when he realises I'm not focusing on him anymore he will pull his socks up and make an effort. If not, then perhaps we weren't meant to be. It will take me some time - I have never been this in love before - but hopefully I will heal.

[mickleb]

I think he was using you. He took far too much and you gave too easily. You still are. Why wouldn't he want to keep 'friends' with someone who treats him so well and strokes his ego so nicely?

 

Please cut him out of your life, go NC and move on. One day you will regret giving so much to a taker. Continue getting your life sorted out. I don't know much about your home life but, from what you've said, I thought 'Why didn't she save her money, considering she was living in such a difficult situation?' Your life needs investment. Be kind to yourself.

[Leigh 87]

Hello there,

 

He may well have liked you - he liked you enough to spend time with you. He could have thought you were nice, fuy, intelligent... he could have very well liked you...

 

However, it is not love. WIth love, the guy will meet you roughly half way, in regards for paying for things; a guy in love WOULD NEVER have gotten YOU to pay for ALL your tickets, over 3 months. If you had not offered to pay, there is a chance he would not have seen you as often.

 

Another sign that it was not love, and that you were merely a girl he " liked enough to have sex with ad spend a bit of time with", is the gifting; if YOU brought him treats and did nice things for him, and he NEVER once did anythig nice for you.

Come on! The relationship was TOTALLY one sided! That is not to say he did not like you at ALL; but he was not THAT into you.... he liked you, but not enough to want to invest much effort into.

 

In short: the relationship was one sided as he never spent money to see you or buy gifts or do nice things for you - it was ALL you: and after the break up, which HE instigated, he rarely initiats texts, and he is hanging around an ex.

 

Let me put it really simply ( I am NOT being condescending, but I want you to really know the key signs that a guy is NOT into you, so you can learn for future reference)

 

- he never paid to come and see you

- he only needed to see you every 2 weeks ( a guy that is into you, needs to see you more often. 100% guaranteed)

- he never re paid you ice guestures/gifts/treats in 3 months.

- he broke up with you ( if he was totally in love, he would have wanted your support during this difficult time, OR, he would have suggested " time away" from each other, until he resolves his issues.

- he spent time with his ex soon after you broke up!!!! Come o dude, you NEED to know this: a guy who is really into a girl, is crazy about them, and is really deaply in love with them, DOES NOT and I repeat, DOES NOT dump a girl, and then go spend the night with his EX.

 

Lastly, you sound like a person who is clever, and thoughtful. You like to give people the benifit of the doubt, before assuming the worst. Your guy displayed CLEAR signs he was not that intp you, and yet you overlooked them, and tried to intelectualize them and think that they were not " actually that bad.. maybe".

You liked a guy, he was showing clear signs he did not like you as much back, and yet you chose to continue. You obviously were attached, and did not want to leave him, and wanted to believe in the best.

 

 

 

The best thing you can do is to ignore him. He does not care that much about you. Sounds harsh, and he WOULD care if you died or if somethig terrible happeed to you! He cares about you as a human being, but he does not care about you on a close, personal level. Meaning, he does not want to invest much time talking or spending any time with you. He does not care enough about you to do that.

 

That you would even WANT to go back, to a guy who showed VERY LITTLE interest in you, speaks volumes about your self esteem and self worth. You sound like a clever and kind girl! You sound like you have a lot of love to give in a relationship! You need to find guys that will do the same for you.

Maybe your going for guys who have a lot of options? Perhaps you should go for guys who are less good looking, but have killer personalities? Perhaps you should improve yourself and raise your self esteem, by going to the gym or going for long walks and runs most days? Learn a language, take a class - make yourself a great version of yourself.

Please, you cannot be happy in life if you do not find guys who adore you. You are seeking out guys who do not put much effort into you! A guy who adores you, will make it CLEAR.

[YourArmsAreMyHome]

Mickleb: Thank you. Having spoken to a lot of people on a number of different sites, every single person said I should stop contacting him. Not one said otherwise! I'm taking all the advice I have been given and moving on. If he ever meant it when he claimed he loved me and wanted a future with me, he will make an effort. *Time to focus on myself for once.

 

Leigh 87: I can't thank you enough for your straightforward and very honest reply. I appreciate it a lot!

 

Looking at it differently: If a friend came to me and said that her ex made no effort to talk to her and stayed with other girls, I would tell her to move on with her life and focus on herself. I think that's what I need to do deep down, but my feelings for him blurred my perception of the situation. I have been putting him on a pedestal, and reality is - while he might be important/special to me - this man is not inherently different or better than anyone else!

 

He was good with words, and I think that's how I let it go wrong. He told me he loved me, could see a future with me and said very sweet things which I believed were heartfelt. But as you and many others have shown me, his actions did not match his words one bit!

 

He bought me coffee every so often, but he never did anything particularly generous or sweet. I'm not the type of girl that expects to be spoiled with gifts, but seeing an indication that he appreciated me would have been nice. *When our relationship ended, he somehow turned something as basic as a small text into the best thing I could receive, when really it's not a lot to ask at all.

 

I'm simply going to leave him alone and get on with life. I won't assume he has moved on with his ex - most of his friends are female anyhow - but I suspect he has. If he wanted me, I imagine he wouldn't have left me so suddenly or would have at least tried harder to keep in touch. Perhaps when he realises I'm not focusing on him anymore he will pull his socks up and make an effort. If not, then maybe we weren't meant to be. It will take me some time - I have never been this in love before, even though I have been in far more long-term relationships - but hopefully I will heal.

 

You're right: I do need to build up my self esteem. If I was viewing this from an outside perspective, I'd say that I deserved better treatment. It's not really a matter of me going for extremely good-looking boys with no personality. I personally found him very attractive, but he's not a conventionally attractive man by any means. Nevertheless, he should have treated me better - with his ACTIONS, not just his words - and I see that now. Thank you so much once again!

[veggirl]

I'm not sure he used you perse, but he certainly enjoyed being spoiled and not having to put forth ANY of the effort. You shouldn't have allowed yourself to get into the habit of doing all the work.

 

I think what happened here was too much too soon. 3 months and all those gifts, all this proclamations of love without even spending much time with one another, it doesn't add up. It's disingenuous. You should have moved a bit more slowly, allowed things to develop more organically, you don't have to dive in head first.

 

I don't think your BF ever appreciated you or ever truly respected you, because you did EVERYTHING. Don't let that happen again, you'll be more successful next time around...

 

I would NOT send him those gifts. Return them to the store, use them for yourself, or save them for future gifts for friends / family. Sounds like you already did ENOUGH for him for finishing school (you bought him a DS! among other things!)

[YourArmsAreMyHome]

Veggirl: Thank you very much for your help. I'm not sure if he used me as such either, and I have decided that it's not truly so important. What it boils down to is the fact his actions didn't match his words.

 

Letting myself do all the work is something I plan to work on before entering another relationship with anyone at all: I often put other people before myself. This applies to friendships, relationships etc. I think this relationship*has taught me I need to stop doing this once and for all. I need to think about myself and my happiness more.

 

I think you're right that it moved too quickly: It felt like a year or more crammed into three months. I definitely got ahead of myself (maybe we even both did) and I need to focus on remaining more grounded in future.

 

I have decided that I will hold onto the gifts for now and not bother initiating contact again. If he truly cares, he will make an effort to stay in touch and ask how I am for a change!