Emilia Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 Now I wonder, is this a conscious decision...? Do they actively search for misery and dysfunction, or is it merely associated with the characteristics they look for in a guy...? Often it's about not knowing any better and about copying parents' dysfunctional behaviour. Misery and dysfunction are usually the result of anxiety and anger and it's very hard to find the source of those. People who are intelligent and capable enough of self awareness still go through several bad relationships before they realise they seriously have to find the reason behind their behaviour.
zengirl Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 ...that you'd stick around in a less than optimal relationship...? As others have said, what is 'less than optimal' really? Would I stick through problems with my husband? Absolutely! Would I have married him if he wasn't someone I was attracted to mentally, physically, and emotionally, with whom I had amazing compatibility, who I loved and respected beyond everyone I'd ever met, who absolutely blew me away and amazed me with his wit, caring, and heart? No. I had very high standards to get married. But no relationship or person is perfect, and everyone has rough spots. There are days, times, issues that will be less than optimal, but that doesn't make the relationship wrong overall. And "optimal" is such an impersonal word, like efficient, that has no place in love really. Yes, people are unique, in my opinion. Yes, they are all special snowflakes, even the bad ones. They are also changeable and dynamic and whole in their own right, and so is Hubby. He is not just my partner. He is a whole person, with his own hopes and fears and stresses and passions, and his job as a human being isn't to keep our R 'optimal' -- that sounds like a fairl robotic way to look at a relationship to me! Instead, his job and my job in the relationship (which isn't ALL we are) are to keep investing and maintaining the relationship we committed to, for better or worse as we vowed, and nurturing it into something that can refresh and invigorate and feed and nurture US, as individuals. As long as he and I are both committed to being a team, there is no more "optimal" to be. I don't think one should settle in selecting a partner at all, though. Inspired by my recent sex issues after marriage thread and its responses, I am starting to wonder in general terms why people stay in relationships that make them the least bit ynhappy Everything in life, at some point, that has ever made me happy has also made me unhappy. That is life. Now if something generally makes you unhappy, it's probably time to look at that R and see if you're really nurturing it together and really a team. Of course, not all Rs are meant to be, and anything that brings you mostly unhappiness is a no-brainer. But to expect a R to NEVER make you unhappy, when it contains a whole other person with their own dynamic thoughts, feelings, actions, personality, etc, etc, is unrealistic. That said, I've certainly stuck around longer than I should have. My reason mostly was I wasn't ready to really fall in love and look for the real thing yet. Once I started looking for the real thing, it only took me a few tries to find it, and I resolved those fairly quickly in the scheme of things.
serial muse Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 I read an interesting phrase just this morning that's related to this topic: "Suspecting they left too soon tends to haunt people, where suspecting they stayed too long generally just annoys." I certainly have been in the "stay too long" category, and sometimes I was frustrated at myself for not pulling the plug sooner and saving myself (and whoever I was dating) a lot of time. But it's also true that I don't regret ending it with any of the exes and never wonder "what if" - I'm in the "never look back" camp and have never had any desire to reconnect with old flames. I generally feel like I gave it my all, each time, even if it didn't work out. There's a certain peace in that. So I guess it's two sides of the coin.
Sanman Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 Have I stayed too long in a relationship? Yes The reasons are two-fold. First, I simply like sex and have a distaste about jumping onto the dating market after having regular sex. The other is that by sticking it out, I make sure that the issue was not fixable and that there was going I could do about the situation. This lets me move on guilt free. Usually it only costs me a couple of months.
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