USMCHokie Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 ...that you'd stick around in a less than optimal relationship...? Inspired by my recent sex issues after marriage thread and its responses, I am starting to wonder in general terms why people stay in relationships that make them the least bit ynhappy...are other people really that unique that you feel compelled to stay in the relationship because they have all these other qualities you will never find again in anyone else...? If something bothers me about a relationship, and after reasonable effort cannot be resolved, my first instinct is to pull the ejection handle...and its certainly reflected in my posted "advice" on LS, where I almost always recommending LAUNCHing... Have you ever stuck around longer than you should have...? What was your motivation for doing so? Other thoughts...?
d'Arthez Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 ...that you'd stick around in a less than optimal relationship...? Depends on how much less than optimal. We all have our issues and shortcomings. To think otherwise is delusional. People simply need to find others' with whom those shortcomings do not lead to irreconcilable differences. Problem is of course that most people think they are 99% perfect ...
Bristolius Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 People build attachments. It's both good and bad. Attachment theory - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Kamille Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 After awhile, I give value to the length of the relationship itself. I wouldn't launch a family member or a friend. I would trust that in weeks or months from then, I might see the issue differently (if I manage to let it go). I might cherish all the other things the relationship has going for it. There's just something valuable about knowing someone for years on end.
Philosoraptor Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 I think it all depends on what the issue is and how much you care about the person. A minor annoyance is not always a deal breaker.
Author USMCHokie Posted June 14, 2012 Author Posted June 14, 2012 Depends on how much less than optimal. We all have our issues and shortcomings. To think otherwise is delusional. People simply need to find others' with whom those shortcomings do not lead to irreconcilable differences. Problem is of course that most people think they are 99% perfect ... Right, and this is one of the reasons why I wonder if I'm a little to eager to pull the launch trigger...
Author USMCHokie Posted June 14, 2012 Author Posted June 14, 2012 I think it all depends on what the issue is and how much you care about the person. A minor annoyance is not always a deal breaker. I'm primarily thinking about issues greater than just minor annoyances...but a bunch of little problems can often add up to a big problem... After awhile, I give value to the length of the relationship itself. I wouldn't launch a family member or a friend. I would trust that in weeks or months from then, I might see the issue differently (if I manage to let it go). I might cherish all the other things the relationship has going for it. There's just something valuable about knowing someone for years on end. I definitely understand this...could a reason be that you feel like you've "wasted" your time in the relationship if you were to launch? It's similar to how I feel about weight training. I've always hated doing it, but I stick with it because I feel I would have wasted all the time and effort if I just stopped and allowed myself to regress.
Kamille Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 I definitely understand this...could a reason be that you feel like you've "wasted" your time in the relationship if you were to launch? It's similar to how I feel about weight training. I've always hated doing it, but I stick with it because I feel I would have wasted all the time and effort if I just stopped and allowed myself to regress. I've never wasted my time in any relationships. Hate that concept. I honor my life and the people in it. Very different mentality. 1
d'Arthez Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 Right, and this is one of the reasons why I wonder if I'm a little to eager to pull the launch trigger... Hard to say. How do you get into relationships in the first place? That question will probably determine the answer. If you actually build a friendship and good understanding between yourself and the woman involved, you should have a good understanding of her character. As a consequence you should not really run into major dealbreakers (such as a life-time membership of extremely dubious political movements). Minor annoyances are just that. Minor annoyances. They can certainly point to a character flaw. But unless you are a rabid eco-warrior, occasionally leaving the light on in the bathroom when you are done, is not the end of the world. It certainly is not something worth ending an otherwise good relationship over. Speaking from experience, once the minor things start to annoy you, there is a pink elephant in the room that you and your partner refuse to address.
SteveC80 Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 Most people arent unique at all which is why the whole soul mate thing is hilarious to me,theyres really tons of people most people can get a connection with and probably end up in a deep fulfilling relationship with if they ever met or met at the right time I think its why you see so many emotional affairs,people think this new person is their real soulmate when in relaity the connection you have with the perosn your with proably isnt some amazing and special and you could probably have it with hundreds of other people as well if you ever met them Sory for going in a diferent direction tangent:lmao:
ladyabstrused Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 Have you ever stuck around longer than you should have...? What was your motivation for doing so? Other thoughts...? Yeah, I did. I'm asking myself this same question lately. I feel like part of me was just trying to be faithful, and I thought that if I love this person, I'd do this for their sake. But looking back now, I feel like it was a bit too extreme, putting up with so much crap. But what really made me continue despite so much heartache? Not sure yet. I'm sure there are other factors that contribute to this as well.
Author USMCHokie Posted June 14, 2012 Author Posted June 14, 2012 I've never wasted my time in any relationships. Hate that concept. I honor my life and the people in it. Very different mentality. Yea, in my first relationship, I definitely thought that way...which made the breakup that much harder for me... Now, not so much...
Author USMCHokie Posted June 14, 2012 Author Posted June 14, 2012 Most people arent unique at all which is why the whole soul mate thing is hilarious to me,theyres really tons of people most people can get a connection with and probably end up in a deep fulfilling relationship with if they ever met or met at the right time I think its why you see so many emotional affairs,people think this new person is their real soulmate when in relaity the connection you have with the perosn your with proably isnt some amazing and special and you could probably have it with hundreds of other people as well if you ever met them Sory for going in a diferent direction tangent:lmao: Not a tangent at all. I absolutely agree with this and it's the very premise of this thread...
dasein Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 Absolutely have stuck around longer than I should have, several times. In my case, this was because of social and family pressure to marry. I am the only adult in an extended family of maybe 100 people on both sides who has not married, the ONLY one. Even a couple of reprobate criminal distant cousins have married. Out of all those marriages, there has been only ONE divorcer, and she divorced three times. This not marrying has cost me in numerous ways, family, friends, career, and has caused me to stay in relationships and try to "make something of it" in the past despite fatal flaws such as cheating, lying, disrespect and contempt, even mental illness. I started off with very high standards, then lowered them... that was ironically counterproductive. (Never "set out" to look for a wife, guys, leads to all sorts of disappointment and problems) Now, looking around at my married family and friends, I absolutely don't want that kind of life, and will just settle for 3-4 month sexual relationships until the honeymoon ends and the bad behavior begins. That's fine. There's always another one just around the corner. So as pertains to the topic, no I don't think people, especially modern American women, are that different. There seems to be a much higher variance in attitude, interests, spirituality and personality among men I meet than women. Too many women are predictably into the exact same things in life $IME$. I messed up with a couple of quality outliers over the years, that's on me, and other quality outliers who aren't already involved are extremely difficult to find. I waited til 30 to even start looking, to be open to a LTR, and that was a GIGANTIC mistake on my part. Most of my happily married friends stuck to good women met in college and shortly after, most of my unhappily married friends waited and took dysfunctional scraps. I'd rather be alone than date the average alcoholic, SSRI/anxiety medicated, overprivileged, dull, divorced candidates I meet out at large and OLD, and most other quality women who show interest in me are too young and want children, plus the social stigma of getting with someone 15+ years younger is a deterrent there.
snug.bunny Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 Have you ever stuck around longer than you should have...? What was your motivation for doing so? Other thoughts...? Yep, for six years. There were some things that happened, after the first year, that should have made us both say -- "this is not the right relationship for either of us". While the relationship had it's good points, as did he, and lots of great experiences shared it was not the right relationship for either of us. As they say though, everything happens for a reason.
FitChick Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 It's a disposable society. No one fixes anything, they just throw it away and find or buy a new one. That's why most marriages end in divorce. People don't want to fix it or even try, even if it ends up costing them family and finances. As you get older it will become more difficult to find a replacement, so don't kid yourself. 3
Author USMCHokie Posted June 14, 2012 Author Posted June 14, 2012 It's a disposable society. No one fixes anything, they just throw it away and find or buy a new one. That's why most marriages end in divorce. People don't want to fix it or even try, even if it ends up costing them family and finances. As you get older it will become more difficult to find a replacement, so don't kid yourself. Well I think it's the attitude where folks are too rigid to compromise or not open to fixing things that I would be trying to avoid...
Feelin Frisky Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 It's not so easy to just find someone else. People don't want to face that and so, they fight to try to get their relationship straightened out. Sometimes it works. More of than not it probably won't and the problem won't go away. But, yes, everyone is unique, and two, some are so compelling you stay way longer than you should. I did this and it really led to ruin. I loved sex with her and still think about that look she would give me right before blowing me. I've never seen that on anyone else. It was pure scrumptious evil.
Leigh 87 Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 Everyone is different in this regard. I have A LOT to say on people I find unique! I KNOW there are unique people out there! I know for a fact - to ME, they are unique, though; you may not feel as compelled by the types of characters I deam to be unique. For starters, I think there ARE people who are quiet unique. Look, I have realized there are boring and dull people, who may be smart and have a good job and even good looks - but they are just not that interesting to me. They do not really captivate me with their sense of fun, adventure, and conversations. I do not need to talk about politics or works events constantly, to see a person as interesting - I like people who are outside the box, who are creative in their ideas and are just... interesting; they can talk about NOTHING interllectual, and still be fascinating with their thought processes and ideas. To me, i find people unique and worthy of being around, if they never ceace to interest me, when I am around them....Unique people, to me, are both kind, open minded, non judgmental, and curious about the world, and are very much interesting in learning new things. That is what I think is unique - because a lot of people are not very generous, let alone generous AND fun AND interesting... AND have a passion for learning new things in life. I relationships, yes, some people are unique enough to go through hard times with. I have a mental illness, or mental problems at the very least. My boyfriend decided to stick around, and support me in getting better. There have been HUGE, MAJOR , HOPRRIBLE events and issues I have caused. My boyfriend is laid back, and never causes issues. He is constantly happy ith life and our relationship, and has never once caused a problem. On there other hand, I am a read head case, that has caused loads of fightds and issues, because i do not feel good about myself entirely. Basically: I have been a total nut case at times in our relationships, causing HUGE fights for NO reason. MOST men - 99.9999% would RUN. ANd rightly so. I even told my partner to leave until I sort my sh*t out. The thing is, he cannot leave. We always felt something special, something between us, that we cannot forget about or let go. And , of course, he finds me to be a very strange, quiry, unique girl, unlie anything he has ever seen or heard about before. That is not to say I am that special to every one - but at least SOME people around me, find me to be really unique:) ..........................................................................................................................What is unique? Well, I talked to a girl one night last week, we really hit it off, and my she told my partner " Your girlfriend is really unique" My partner and I - neither of us are relationship orientated, and were in fact, each others first long term relationship, at ages 24 - 25. We do not NEED a partner, and never have; and yet, he was prepared to go through hell, in order to be with me in the long run. Although he would not have put up with it forerver, of course! My partner put up with terrible things, in order to be with me, because he finds me to be very unique; and there are many others who would do the same ( although maybe they would not put up QUIET as much drama and issues as I have caused)
Woggle Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 You forget the fact that some people are addicted to bad relationships. They truly do get off on the drama and that is why they stick around. Some people enjoy misery and dysfunction.
Author USMCHokie Posted June 15, 2012 Author Posted June 15, 2012 You forget the fact that some people are addicted to bad relationships. They truly do get off on the drama and that is why they stick around. Some people enjoy misery and dysfunction. Now I wonder, is this a conscious decision...? Do they actively search for misery and dysfunction, or is it merely associated with the characteristics they look for in a guy...?
Leigh 87 Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 Now I wonder, is this a conscious decision...? Do they actively search for misery and dysfunction, or is it merely associated with the characteristics they look for in a guy...? .... or maybe, some people are just boring and unmotivated to make their own lives fulfilling and interesting enough; so much so, that they have to create their thrills through drama? Do truly happy people who enjoy enough things ( people, hobbies, etc) NEED to be involved in drama to get off?
Ruby Slippers Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 It's a disposable society. No one fixes anything, they just throw it away and find or buy a new one. That's why most marriages end in divorce. People don't want to fix it or even try, even if it ends up costing them family and finances. As you get older it will become more difficult to find a replacement, so don't kid yourself. Yes. I think the value of sticking with something is fading. This has its positives and negatives, though. Relationships are really the most important elements of life. Think about it. At the end of your life, what's going to matter? Only how you touched people in the world and how they touched you. The love you gave and received. There's something very special about sticking with the person who knows you best, and you them. But this is not the only way to be happy and fulfilled. Some people are more independent and treasure their freedom over security. That's fine.
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 It's a disposable society. No one fixes anything, they just throw it away and find or buy a new one. That's why most marriages end in divorce. People don't want to fix it or even try, even if it ends up costing them family and finances. As you get older it will become more difficult to find a replacement, so don't kid yourself. This has some truth to it...however I believe people really don't know what's good for them. Personally I've been in relationships where I've "stuck it out" and other relationships where I abandoned ship at the first sign of trouble... Is it a coincidence that I'm so affected by the relationships where I stuck it out and seemd to move past the ones that didn't work out more quickly? I think human nature plays a big part in this, and I find there are two kinds of people: - those who believe you should go down with the ship in a relationship, almost regardless...they insist on continuing forward for the sake of love and commitment as If it's almost a badge of honor - those who sabotage and find ways to devalue a relationship with any serious infractions they can pinpoint, out of fear of investing in something and wasting/losing their time and aren't able to emotionally invest to that degree of commitment Both of those are extremes, I think it takes a wise and selfware person who is realistic and understands the important values in a relationship to determine whether something is worth investing in or not, it can't jsut be one way or the other. Because we all know that based on emotions alone, It's in no way clear cut and utterly confusing....they give no guidance although however extremely significant..it's a double-edged sword
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 ...that you'd stick around in a less than optimal relationship...? Inspired by my recent sex issues after marriage thread and its responses, I am starting to wonder in general terms why people stay in relationships that make them the least bit ynhappy...are other people really that unique that you feel compelled to stay in the relationship because they have all these other qualities you will never find again in anyone else...? If something bothers me about a relationship, and after reasonable effort cannot be resolved, my first instinct is to pull the ejection handle...and its certainly reflected in my posted "advice" on LS, where I almost always recommending LAUNCHing... Have you ever stuck around longer than you should have...? What was your motivation for doing so? Other thoughts...? Yes..... My motivation? That I am getting old and couldn't find anyone better. With that experience behind me, I would launch much sooner now. Everyone is replacable.
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