marilla Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 Hello. A man and i were getting to know each other but he rejected me to be with another woman. I was hurt badly and i told him so. Now he wants another chance. He says he realized his mistake and he left her to be with me. So far i haven't given in. There is however another woman really interested in him and i saw them hanging around a few days ago. However i did show hurt and jealous and he left her alone and left. Seems he is cutting her out. I want to talk to him to say that i am hurt and confused so it is fair he can hang out with other women but i am also open to knowing him better. What do you think? Will he take that as not interested ? Will he take that as me sending him to other women? I feel bad i am messing his life up being so confused and don't know what to do. please help me and him in this very weird story!!!!!!!!! I don't want to come out as not interested but i have somehow gave him the wrong message that he can't see others.
d'Arthez Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 Hello. A man and i were getting to know each other but he rejected me to be with another woman. What do you think? Either you are a backup plan (he preferred some other woman over you), or this guy loves playing games (using the new woman to make you jealous). In both cases I would have lost interest completely. From your previous thread: Me and this man were getting to know each other casually. Then this woman hit on him and he gave me up badly. If you are into games, tell him you are interested. If not, move along, and find someone who is actually behaving like an adult.
geegirl Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 Game playing. The only life you are messing up is yours. He is content with playing hide and seek with all these women, including you. I will ask you this again. How sure are you that he left the other woman to be with you? Or did she reject him so he's coming back to you? Don't be believing and trusting, just because he says so. You can post the same thing a hundred times and you can get advice but you have to make that choice to let him in. If it were me, I'd pass. There is really nothing secure about a man that has the emotional maturity of a door knob. If a man is interested, he is going to pursue. If he's pursuing others and keeping you somewhere in sight, then it's time to move on.
Author marilla Posted June 14, 2012 Author Posted June 14, 2012 thank you so much for answering!!!! I really do think that he is very shy. He would rather flirt than talk directly. He is not even looking at me sometimes and i do believe it has to do with shyness and insecurity. He came back immediately after he rejected me, like 2 days after so i do tend to think that he is probably honest about him leaving her. We all met together accidentaly 2 days after he rejected me at the same place and he left her all alone and came to be with me trying to talk to me and all..... now i can't sleep at nights thinking that he is cutting that new girl out to be with me when i am all confused and that is my fault since i made him feel that i was jealous and hurt! Really guys i can't sleep. It is a very twisted thing and i need to fix it somehow so that it is all right. Don't know what to say. Lately he is not very easy to talk to either.
d'Arthez Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 I really do think that he is very shy. If he were shy, he would not be running of with a different woman every week.:sick: This guy is bad news.
Author marilla Posted June 14, 2012 Author Posted June 14, 2012 thanks again for your answer. He is shy with them too...i have noticed him around them too and he is shy. Really can't get it out of my head that i am hurting him. And i am suffering too much. if only i had not shown jealous or hurt that day. Please what do you think of my idea telling him that i am confused, still want to be talking to him more but he can do what he wants with others? How will a man take this ?
d'Arthez Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 Please what do you think of my idea telling him that i am confused, still want to be talking to him more but he can do what he wants with others? How will a man take this ? A real man will take your statement as a statement of fact. And would walk away, because he would recognize that neither of you is ready for anything substantial. He? He would keep you around, play more games with you, and leave you heartbroken and feeling used. It is obvious that I would advice against keeping him in your life.
Author marilla Posted June 14, 2012 Author Posted June 14, 2012 thank you d'Arthez for helping me and for taking an interest in my weird story. Why would a man walk away? Isn't it obvious that a hurt woman would want to be friends for now at least. Not jump into a relationship with a man that "punched" her chin? i am just guilty on top of that as i know that he wanted to hang around with that new girl and i made him feel bad and now he has stopped. Do you have any idea as to what i could say that could help? something in the lines of i have no problem with someone that gets to know many women......( i mean in the initial stages at least)
d'Arthez Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 thank you d'Arthez for helping me and for taking an interest in my weird story. Why would a man walk away? Because he would realize that he and you are not in a good position to be friends, since obviously there is a sexual dynamic going on, that leads to countless tensions - and I am of the firm belief that men and women can be friends. Isn't it obvious that a hurt woman would want to be friends for now at least. Not jump into a relationship with a man that "punched" her chin? A friendship based on sexual tension is no friendship. i am just guilty on top of that as i know that he wanted to hang around with that new girl and i made him feel bad and now he has stopped. Do you have any idea as to what i could say that could help? There is nothing you can do to change the past, your attraction to him, and his (real or imagined) attraction to you. There is nothing you can do to undo the games he has already played. Look at how complicated the whole situation already is, and you have not even invested much in a relationship - since there is none! You have to walk away for your own good.
Author marilla Posted June 14, 2012 Author Posted June 14, 2012 Why walk on feelings d'Arthez? why walk on a man that has cut away others to be with me? why walk away when i really don't know this man? we were hanging out for a month and then all this mess happened so i never really got to know him.
d'Arthez Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 Why walk on feelings d'Arthez? why walk on a man that has cut away others to be with me? why walk away when i really don't know this man? we were hanging out for a month and then all this mess happened so i never really got to know him. Precisely because of this mess, precisely because of the games.
Author marilla Posted June 14, 2012 Author Posted June 14, 2012 thanks again! thank you for the effort in helping me!!!!! I have always felt that i was partly to blame. According to him i never looked very decided so he left me to be with the other woman the first time. The second time he said i took too long to give in and that was hurting him...so when she became interested again he went to her.
d'Arthez Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 Assigning blame is usually a pointless exercise. You both contributed to unfolding as they have. You made some mistakes, he certainly made some mistakes. The games on his part definitely did not help. At best you were a backup plan, and that simply is not good enough for a friendship or relationship.
Author marilla Posted June 14, 2012 Author Posted June 14, 2012 thank you again! A backup plan...i have felt like that a few times but there was a time he got all his friends to help him and he did really look like he had feelings-the sound of his voice, his face, etc that same woman he rejected me for now he won't even talk to her or sit with her when i am around. I don't know how to understand all of this. And he is not talking much. At least to tell me what he is thinking.
d'Arthez Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 He is keeping his cards in his hands. Makes you wonder what he is up to. Honesty would probably mean that you would lose all your interest in this guy. You need to learn to "read" people who don't say much, and keep their cards close to their chest.
geegirl Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 We can all tell you what to do but at the end of the day no one has control over his behavior. The only way that you can understand it is for you to COMMUNICATE and tell him what you feel. His response will give you what you need. Whatever the outcome, it will help you move in the right direction. In any case, shy men don't move on from woman to woman. You make too many excuses for him.
d'Arthez Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 The only way that you can understand it is for you to COMMUNICATE and tell him what you feel. His response will give you what you need. Whatever the outcome, it will help you move in the right direction. I strongly disagree. He will tell her what he thinks she wants to hear. Not what he actually believes / wants to. Too many games, too little sincerity on his part.
Author marilla Posted June 14, 2012 Author Posted June 14, 2012 wow, i never thought of that!!!! Thanks for pointing it out. I always thought he would not talk since he is shy or scared. I wish i could know his truth. What if i came right out and asked? After being rejected for the 3 rd time i told him that i had no problem if a man hanged out with many women and that my problem was to be given hopes and then put aside. After i saw him meeting this new woman i kind of contradicted my words since i feared i would be rejected a 4th time. So that is why i was hurt and jealous. Now guilty and confused. What good is it not to talk to me? at least that way he would feel he is getting my answers. How can he be so sure what i want?
geegirl Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 I strongly disagree. He will tell her what he thinks she wants to hear. Not what he actually believes / wants to. Too many games' date=' too little sincerity on his part.[/quote'] And that is why I said that we can tell her a million times what we believe is right but she has it in her own mind as to who and what he is. If she still believes what she believes about him, then communicate her thoughts. Whatever he says will be up to her to decipher as truth or lies. We see game playing. She sees a shy man. Case closed. Some people have to jump in the fire to believe that it's hot.
d'Arthez Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 We see game playing. She sees a shy man. Case closed. Some people have to jump in the fire to believe that it's hot. That is definitely true. She wants this guy to be right for her, no matter what the fact are. And end up burned in the process, but if that is what she has set her mind to, nothing will convince her to change her course of action.
Author marilla Posted June 14, 2012 Author Posted June 14, 2012 Thank you geegirl and d'Arthez! i can't believe the effort you are making to help out. Thank you as i am really hurting. Confusion really hurts me. It is true what you said and you hit the nail on the head. I do see a shy man. I can't see the game playing. I see a shy man that doesn't know how to communicate with women, maybe never had a relationship in his life. This is a guy that goes to his friends for help and i actually get to know some staff from his friends on what he is thinking. Not much but i get staff. i think he always needs to have choices as he always goes for the more determined one. He gives me the impression of a guy that doesn't want to miss out as he has stated a long time ago that he worries about not being married until now. He is not a bad guy. Very well liked by his friends and after hurting me i could see and feel the remorse in his voice, behavior etc. I wish i had his truth. Not easy to talk though since he is barely talking now. Do you really think i am jumping in fire? I was badly hurt i admit but for some reason i keep on thinking that he is worth a chance, slowly and cautiously. And i feel that he should not cut that new woman out since i am so confused. I am a bundle of feelings. Thank you really thank you for caring....
geegirl Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 That is definitely true. She wants this guy to be right for her' date=' no matter what the fact are. And end up burned in the process, but if that is what she has set her mind to, nothing will convince her to change her course of action.[/quote'] You're right. I almost feel that no matter what we say, it's falling on deaf ears.
Author marilla Posted June 14, 2012 Author Posted June 14, 2012 That is definitely true. She wants this guy to be right for her' date=' no matter what the fact are. And end up burned in the process, but if that is what she has set her mind to, nothing will convince her to change her course of action.[/quote'] Thanks guys again. No i don't agree that i want him to be right for me. I want to be able to understand and make the right decision. I don't want looking back with regrets. But i don't have all the facts and he won't talk and that is what makes it so hard.
geegirl Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 Thanks guys again. No i don't agree that i want him to be right for me. I want to be able to understand and make the right decision. I don't want looking back with regrets. But i don't have all the facts and he won't talk and that is what makes it so hard. Well, we can tell you what we see and most times seeing from an unemotional standpoint is most likely your reality. You're caught up in emotions. If you want to understand the way you need to then you communicate that to him. We can't tell you what he feels or thinks. If he won't talk, send him an email or letter. If a man wants to be with you, he'll be open to receiving your thoughts and will reciprocate your feelings, even if you send it with a smoke signal.
Author marilla Posted June 14, 2012 Author Posted June 14, 2012 I have been trying all week. I have given him all the signals he needs to be talking to me. I have flirted him a few times as well. What more does he want? He should be talking by now-but he is mostly flirting, like buzzing around, staring looks etc. He won't talk much so i have no guts to go and open up a conversation. Sometimes i am thinking he is taking it slow since after hurting me i have cut all contact with him for 2 months. Now i am thinking what you guys are saying that maybe he is hiding his cards. I don't know. And yes you are right that i am all caught up in emotions. Geegirl i understand that you would never let this man back in your life. But if you were not sure what would you do? would you befriend him? date him? see others too? I have to admit that i have also been out of the dating game for ages due to an illness that i am now recovered from. So i am clueless too. Thank you for your advice and patience .
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