Boulware58 Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 I'll try to keep my story simple, as it's very familiar to what most have dealt with, I just can't seem to move past, moreso of fear, rather than anything else. I had 25 years old, and my ex is 22. We had been together for 4.5 years. I met her on myspace when she was 16 or 17. I was still a virgin, heavily obese, and hadn't been in a relationship longer than a week. We hung out that night I talked to her, which was something I never really did on impulse like that. Nothing happened, we played video games for a while, went to eat, and I went home. I slowly started to realize she wasn't exactly who I wanted to be with, she liked to party and do crazy stuff(including confessing her being with like 10 dudes at that point already), and I didn't. At the time I weighed 300 pounds and had 0 confidence. I ran a vigorous training session, and in less than a year, I found myself at 220 pounds, all the while I had been avoiding this girl because I found her annoying and I didn't want to hang out. All of a sudden something switches over, and I hit 220, and start chasing her at a rate of light speed. I take her to parties, babysit her and hang out with her, because I have this serious passion for her that I can't understand. After about a good 6 months of chasing, I bring her to my house to pass out drunk, we finally hook up, the night I lost my virginity. AWFUL experience, but that is only a different story if someone wants to hear that. The next few times weren't the best circumstances either, as it took a lot of alcohol for that night to happen. She still didn't want to be with me, and then finally about another 6 months later, she asks me out. The chase was over. I had her, and I was happy as can be. We date and everything seems great for the first 1 1/2 years, we continue to do everything together, and have a blast. Then we hit that candle has burnt out phase and I choose to break it off, she cries, begs for me back, and I fight the urge. Til finally I realize i've done a mistake, I go back to her, and she confesses she got drunk and lost herself in someone else a night while we were apart. I chose to accept it, her telling me it was a mistake was good enough. We continue our relationship and it stays on the rocky path for quite a while. Fight over countless things, and we become the typical "on again's, off agains". We've had our break-ups, and time off periods as lengthy as up to 3 months at a time. She's seemingly always committed a "mistake" every time, and I always took her back. As we fast forward past the half-way point of our relationship, I got so comfortable, that the dazzling 80 pounds I lost I gained back every pound, losing my self-confidence and self-esteem and leaving myself in the state of shock and confusion. The break-up. This past friday before mother's day, we were going to the gym and bettering ourselves, trying to find something to do together, as we've lost all common interests we used to spend everyday doing(it's become we hang out for a couple hours a day, a few days a week because i work awful midnights). We went out to an outlet retail store to look for something to buy our mother's, and she had told me a story about what a guy said she worked with, and I got a little jealous from all the times she messed around on me, and all the times i've had to bury just to still be with her. So I said "oh you like him now? he your new boyfriend?". Well needless to say she got irritated, we fought the ride home, and that was the last day we were together. A week later, she texted me, wanted me to come over for a booty call. I did, and since I was so in love still, I held on to every ounce of hope I could dig up, just to hope she'd come back around in a couple weeks like she always did and we could work it out. Well another week passes and we talk again on the weekend. I pry and continue to ask if she's been looking for anyone to hook up with to try and move on, so I can move on. She keeps asking "why do you want to know so bad? I don't want to know if you're hooking up, do what you need to do", well i'm clearly in love, and IDK if i'm looking for closer or what. She proceeds to tell me she got drunk at a party the dude had, that the story was about. She said originally she was gonna do it because she was so mad at me and it was spite of what I said, but she felt so bad about it. We talk about it for a little bit, and another week then passes with little contact, and she contacts me again tells me how much she hates the dude and that he's telling everyone at work, well.... we hook up, have wonderful sex, and that forces me to fall back and have hope again, that I can now forget another "notch" in her belt. We arrive to this past weekend, another week later, and we text back and forth a little bit. She confesses to me that she's been wanting me for a booty call, but since I work 11pm to 7am, when she wants it i'm not available, so she's been having "meaningless sex" with this guy every other day or whenever to feed the urge and keep her mind off me. Great thing for me to know right? The problem. She's probably been with a half-dozen other people since we've been together, all in the last 2 years or so too. It should be an easy girl to run from, as I know i've created a monster, and the monster bit me, but..... The woman took my virginity, and got me out of the "there is no one out there for me funk". I've had sex with one other girl, and that other girl was because of her as well, go figure. I've been in such denial about moving on from such a long relationship, and so much history, that i've become scared of what I might do down the road. No nothing like suicide, i'm in the process of moving 20 minutes away, which might help get me a nice change of scenery, but I have no self-confidence, All that weight I gained back, I at least lost 40 of it, but I don't feel good about myself, and i'm still the butt of everyone's fat jokes, so i'm getting back into the gym when I move out there. What i'm scared of is, i'm pretty certain that even though her numbers are blocked she's going to find a way to get ahold of me, and tell me she made a mistake, and this may not be for another 2 months, but i'm afraid if I haven't been able to move on, and teach myself there's other out there, i'm gonna give in, and let everything that's happened be another picture in the back of my head. I have no confidence, when she throws herself at me, how am I gonna resist? How do I cope with not thinking about its some other guy seeing her in my lingerie and getting sex for not having to deal with anything? I went through so much for her, and i'm still paying it off. Sorry if any of it became a ramble or incoherent, still in shock, still not certain how do I fight the urge. Love you guys, I needed to vent. Any feedback is great.
Tiera D Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 MOVE ON Your ex is behaving like a unpaid prostitute,my ex is something like that as well,everyone says shes cheap and what not,but me being an idiot as ever trusted her,bro move on to another place dont stay here cut all contact,this chick is simple not relationship material.i wasted a total 8 months on my ex and in the end i feel like i wasted so much time on nothing.The only way to end a unhealthy cycle is to break the routine,change every single thing you do,tell youselve that tonight is the last day im being the old me,tomorrow i am going to walk out this door and be a new man! TD
Author Boulware58 Posted June 14, 2012 Author Posted June 14, 2012 Thanks Tiera, that is what I get from all of this, and that part has helped me sorta move from the denial stage a little bit. The fact that she was my first, and we went through so much for 4.5 years, that I gave her all my dignity and self-respect. I know she'll come back, they always do. I just don't know how to fight that urge. I have her blocked on FB, but I go on a separate account just to look at her page and see who she added and what she's doin. I have a sick obsession, and it's the worst part of me.
Renard99 Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 (edited) You really must delete that second account. All of your hard work is undone in seconds buy continuing to look her up on facebook. You can't say you're moving forwards until you've removed all of the various things that are pulling you backwards. I found out recently, purely by accident (through a piece of junk mail would you believe!) that my ex has joined a sex ads website (that's affliated with a more traditional dating site that I was a member of). I didn't want her back before hand and I certainly wouldn't want her now knowing that, if she's slept with even half the guys that have become 'fans', she's .... well, basically a slut! It's a harsh word to use, even for mild mannered me, but it's a useful tool for reminding yourself why you shouldn't be with her. I know your position is slightly different but in effect she is still sleeping around. Try shifting your perspective and using what you see now to put you off her as opposed to ways to want to like her. Edited June 14, 2012 by Renard99
Author Boulware58 Posted June 14, 2012 Author Posted June 14, 2012 You really must delete that second account. All of your hard work is undone in seconds buy continuing to look her up on facebook. You can't say you're moving forwards until you've removed all of the various things that are pulling you backwards. I found out recently, purely by accident (through a piece of junk mail would you believe!) that my ex has joined a sex ads website (that's affliated with a more traditional dating site that I was a member of). I didn't want her back before hand and I certainly wouldn't want her now knowing that, if she's slept with even half the guys that have become 'fans', she's .... well, basically a slut! It's a harsh word to use, even for mild mannered me, but it's a useful tool for reminding yourself why you shouldn't be with her. I know your position is slightly different but in effect she is still sleeping around. Try shifting your perspective and using what you see now to put you off her as opposed to ways to want to like her. I do feel as if I am getting better. I know one of my biggest issues is continuing to stalk, I know there is no advantage to it, and I can see what it does to me. As i've told some others, i've let myself get kicked around so many times i've become accustomed to it. I let her take all of my self-respect and toss it out the window on the highway. She took my virginity and she was my first for many things. The hardest part of the new-fond healing process, is knowing she's going to contact me someday, and i'm afraid it'll be too soon before my life has been changed around, and i'll buckle at the knees for it because it hadn't happened since the last time we were together. I've been trying to teach myself little ways of holding back, and I think I can do it. I'm just afraid of how i'll react when reality finally catches up to her and she needs me.
Renard99 Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 I do feel as if I am getting better. I know one of my biggest issues is continuing to stalk, I know there is no advantage to it, and I can see what it does to me. As i've told some others, i've let myself get kicked around so many times i've become accustomed to it. I let her take all of my self-respect and toss it out the window on the highway. She took my virginity and she was my first for many things. The hardest part of the new-fond healing process, is knowing she's going to contact me someday, and i'm afraid it'll be too soon before my life has been changed around, and i'll buckle at the knees for it because it hadn't happened since the last time we were together. I've been trying to teach myself little ways of holding back, and I think I can do it. I'm just afraid of how i'll react when reality finally catches up to her and she needs me. I fully understand where you're coming from and admire you for soldiering on but you have to be careful that you don't become your own worst enemy. I noticed you've put 'when she needs me'. Like I said above, flip your thinking - say to yourself 'Do I need her' and I hope, from the way she's treated you, that you'll say 'NO!' I know you've probably heard it all before but concentrate on yourself, build yourself back up, and if successful you'll be stong enough to weather the storm that she may or may not throw at you. As a military friend of mine put it to me when I was going through hell, "the longer you spend staring at the horizon, waiting for the enemy to appear, the less time you have to build your defenses"
Author Boulware58 Posted June 14, 2012 Author Posted June 14, 2012 I fully understand where you're coming from and admire you for soldiering on but you have to be careful that you don't become your own worst enemy. I noticed you've put 'when she needs me'. Like I said above, flip your thinking - say to yourself 'Do I need her' and I hope, from the way she's treated you, that you'll say 'NO!' I know you've probably heard it all before but concentrate on yourself, build yourself back up, and if successful you'll be stong enough to weather the storm that she may or may not throw at you. As a military friend of mine put it to me when I was going through hell, "the longer you spend staring at the horizon, waiting for the enemy to appear, the less time you have to build your defenses" That's a terrific piece of advice from that friend of yours. I know I don't need her, but i've spent the last 5 years looking out for her and making sure she was always okay. So i'm just afraid if/when she contacts me it'll be too soon for me to have moved on already and i'll cave. That's when building my defenses comes in. I just haven't had confidence in a while, so here's to hoping I can get past, and she can just leave me be. I wanted to write a letter and try and make her feel miserable, but after talking about it with others, i've come to a realization that maybe that's a silly idea and I should just leave it be, of course I just want her to hurt too.
Tiera D Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 Boulware dignity and self-respect is yours no one can take it away from you..OP listen to me you have wasted 5 years waiting on nothing this has to stop,please i saw someone with a similar situation as you he waited her 10 years plus,in the end he analyses everything his ex says every little hint,he even thought its a good thing when his ex blocks him,he became paranoid and stubborn,when we try to help him he argues with us heatedly to the point he leaves loveshack in anger,dont end up like that man bro,--Break The Cycle--- TD
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