Obsessed and repressed of acceptance

[Boulware58]

I'll try to keep my story simple, as it's very familiar to what most have dealt with, I just can't seem to move past, moreso of fear, rather than anything else.

 

I had 25 years old, and my ex is 22. We had been together for 4.5 years. I met her on myspace when she was 16 or 17. I was still a virgin, heavily obese, and hadn't been in a relationship longer than a week. We hung out that night I talked to her, which was something I never really did on impulse like that. Nothing happened, we played video games for a while, went to eat, and I went home. I slowly started to realize she wasn't exactly who I wanted to be with, she liked to party and do crazy stuff(including confessing her being with like 10 dudes at that point already), and I didn't. At the time I weighed 300 pounds and had 0 confidence. I ran a vigorous training session, and in less than a year, I found myself at 220 pounds, all the while I had been avoiding this girl because I found her annoying and I didn't want to hang out. All of a sudden something switches over, and I hit 220, and start chasing her at a rate of light speed. I take her to parties, babysit her and hang out with her, because I have this serious passion for her that I can't understand. After about a good 6 months of chasing, I bring her to my house to pass out drunk, we finally hook up, the night I lost my virginity. AWFUL experience, but that is only a different story if someone wants to hear that. The next few times weren't the best circumstances either, as it took a lot of alcohol for that night to happen. She still didn't want to be with me, and then finally about another 6 months later, she asks me out. The chase was over. I had her, and I was happy as can be.

 

 

We date and everything seems great for the first 1 1/2 years, we continue to do everything together, and have a blast. Then we hit that candle has burnt out phase and I choose to break it off, she cries, begs for me back, and I fight the urge. Til finally I realize i've done a mistake, I go back to her, and she confesses she got drunk and lost herself in someone else a night while we were apart. I chose to accept it, her telling me it was a mistake was good enough. We continue our relationship and it stays on the rocky path for quite a while. Fight over countless things, and we become the typical "on again's, off agains". We've had our break-ups, and time off periods as lengthy as up to 3 months at a time. She's seemingly always committed a "mistake" every time, and I always took her back. As we fast forward past the half-way point of our relationship, I got so comfortable, that the dazzling 80 pounds I lost I gained back every pound, losing my self-confidence and self-esteem and leaving myself in the state of shock and confusion.

 

 

The break-up.

 

This past friday before mother's day, we were going to the gym and bettering ourselves, trying to find something to do together, as we've lost all common interests we used to spend everyday doing(it's become we hang out for a couple hours a day, a few days a week because i work awful midnights). We went out to an outlet retail store to look for something to buy our mother's, and she had told me a story about what a guy said she worked with, and I got a little jealous from all the times she messed around on me, and all the times i've had to bury just to still be with her. So I said "oh you like him now? he your new boyfriend?". Well needless to say she got irritated, we fought the ride home, and that was the last day we were together. A week later, she texted me, wanted me to come over for a booty call. I did, and since I was so in love still, I held on to every ounce of hope I could dig up, just to hope she'd come back around in a couple weeks like she always did and we could work it out. Well another week passes and we talk again on the weekend. I pry and continue to ask if she's been looking for anyone to hook up with to try and move on, so I can move on. She keeps asking "why do you want to know so bad? I don't want to know if you're hooking up, do what you need to do", well i'm clearly in love, and IDK if i'm looking for closer or what. She proceeds to tell me she got drunk at a party the dude had, that the story was about. She said originally she was gonna do it because she was so mad at me and it was spite of what I said, but she felt so bad about it. We talk about it for a little bit, and another week then passes with little contact, and she contacts me again tells me how much she hates the dude and that he's telling everyone at work, well.... we hook up, have wonderful sex, and that forces me to fall back and have hope again, that I can now forget another "notch" in her belt. We arrive to this past weekend, another week later, and we text back and forth a little bit. She confesses to me that she's been wanting me for a booty call, but since I work 11pm to 7am, when she wants it i'm not available, so she's been having "meaningless sex" with this guy every other day or whenever to feed the urge and keep her mind off me. Great thing for me to know right?

 

 

The problem.

 

She's probably been with a half-dozen other people since we've been together, all in the last 2 years or so too. It should be an easy girl to run from, as I know i've created a monster, and the monster bit me, but.....

 

The woman took my virginity, and got me out of the "there is no one out there for me funk". I've had sex with one other girl, and that other girl was because of her as well, go figure. I've been in such denial about moving on from such a long relationship, and so much history, that i've become scared of what I might do down the road. No nothing like suicide, i'm in the process of moving 20 minutes away, which might help get me a nice change of scenery, but I have no self-confidence, All that weight I gained back, I at least lost 40 of it, but I don't feel good about myself, and i'm still the butt of everyone's fat jokes, so i'm getting back into the gym when I move out there. What i'm scared of is, i'm pretty certain that even though her numbers are blocked she's going to find a way to get ahold of me, and tell me she made a mistake, and this may not be for another 2 months, but i'm afraid if I haven't been able to move on, and teach myself there's other out there, i'm gonna give in, and let everything that's happened be another picture in the back of my head. I have no confidence, when she throws herself at me, how am I gonna resist? How do I cope with not thinking about its some other guy seeing her in my lingerie and getting sex for not having to deal with anything? I went through so much for her, and i'm still paying it off.

 

 

Sorry if any of it became a ramble or incoherent, still in shock, still not certain how do I fight the urge. Love you guys, I needed to vent. Any feedback is great.

Edited June 14, 2012 by Boulware58
posted in different forum, feel free to move

[flitzanu]

she sounds like a horrible waste of a person.

 

if you are worried about her "finding you" then don't let her. block her from facebook, change your number, etc, do anything you possibly can to remove yourself from her being able to track you down.

 

get yourself back in your gym routine like you had before, lose whatever weight you're choosing to lose, and be as awesome as you can be.

 

she obviously sounds like she's slutting around and sleeping with whoever/whenever with no moral regard, so she's definitely the last person you need to worry about. there are much better girls out there dude, ones that don't cheat on you and sleep with every dude they meet.