junegloom Posted June 30, 2004 Posted June 30, 2004 I've been dating this great guy for 3 1/2 years now. It seems every 6 months over the past 1 1/2 years we get into a heavy discussion about "the future"- I want know if he plans on marrying me someday. He always says "I'm sorry, I don't know" and goes on to say how he doesn't know what he wants to do in his life but knows he wants the freedom to make choices and take risks (financial ones, like starting a business) without the responsibility of a family. Other than these heavy discussions every once and a while, we never argue about anything. Everything else in our relationship is great. We both recently agreed how healthy and positive our relationship has been. I hate to use an over-used term.. but, yes.. I feel we are soul-mates. Recently, I wanted to know *yet again* if he had any plans on a future with me. This last discussion turned into a very long and heated argument because he still was saying the same thing and I told him that I really must leave him then because it's been too long to "not know". I'm regretting this conversation now, because he is thinking we should really break up this time. The thing is, he can't make up his decision because he says he's still in love with me, still wants me, but doesn't want to hold me back from a life of marriage and children and feels guilty that he can't say when he wants to be married. As he couldn't decide whether or not we should break up, I told him to take his time deciding, but in the meantime I'm going to carry on with things I have to do and not think about it. The ball is entirely in his court. We haven't spoken now for 1 1/2 weeks. Is there anything I should be hoping for at this point? I'm wondering if he's putting off making that final call to break up with me because he just doesn't want to, like as if it's a chore or something. I don't want to call or contact him in any way because I'd like to give the impression that I really am moving on. I'm hoping he will miss me too much and want it back to the way things were. I really do want things back to the way they were. This time, I wouldn't pressure him.. and I've accepted that he may never want to marry, but I prefer being with him than not. Any advice? Ideas? Suggestions? Am I just being blind to the harsh reality? Have I already lost him? Any guys out there understand him? Thanks.
D*F Posted July 1, 2004 Posted July 1, 2004 I'm also going through the same issue, but am not so tried out.. well I'm a guy and I am still courting this girl who is one year elder to me and I think that I fall into your guys profile. and My Advice is: from my point of view is not to let him go and do not let him be alone, You Should Asisst Him and go through this issue together, and it shouldn't be alone. Give him all your help.
Author junegloom Posted July 13, 2004 Author Posted July 13, 2004 Three weeks have gone by and we didn't speak. Finally he called me last night. We had a great conversation and fortunately I was having a "good day", so I was bubbly and chatty. It appeared as though I was doing just fine. He invited me to an outing this weekend with some friends, to which I accepted. I thought this meant that he wanted to start making ammends.. I thought he was trying to tell me what his decision was - to stay together. He asked me how I was and I told him all the things I've been doing the past three weeks, but didn't mention anything about my feelings about "us". When I asked him, he went right into it. The shock was that he said he's been struggling getting used to "being single again". And that he eventually told his mother that we were broken up and that she was upset over it. I was shocked because he's been operating with the impression these past three weeks that we were broken up. Did I miss something in our last conversation?? I was dumbfounded, but didn't let on. He went on and on about how he's left all my things around his place to "remind him of me" and how I can leave my things there for as long as I like. He said he's had some "down times" thinking about us and missed me, blah blah blah. Then he pinpointed me about how I felt about "us". I really was trying to stay upbeat.. before the conversation got to this point I even tried ending the conversation as you do with things like "Well, it was nice talking to you." or "I hope things goes well for you". But he just kept talking.. so he painted me in a corner and I was forced to answer his question. I hesitatingly answered that I thought it was a shame that we broke-up but there's nothing I can do about that and that it will be okay. He said loads of other things but it all just points to the same things: mixed messages and "come here, go away". I asked him the reason why we broke up because I wasn't clear about it and he said because I wanted a committment or a plan from him for a future together and he wants "flexibility". I said that I thought it was because either he didn't want to marry *ever*, he didn't want to marry *me*, or he was fed up fighting about it. He answered immediately he was fed up fighting about it, and added that he couldn't take the pressure. Then he said there were other little things, too, and I said "Like what?", very gently I might add because I didn't want to make it sound like I was unable to hear the truth. So he paused and said "um.." and "well, no that's it, just the pressure." I thought it was wierd that he was looking for other things wrongs with us, or at least it seemed that way. I was in this relationship, too, I know we had something that was rare and very special. There simple was nothing else wrong. Now that I know we're broken up (and by the way I feel like such an idiot that I've thought all along that he was still my boyfriend and that he was just thinking about what to do), I don't really want to see him this weekend. He says he really wants to remain friends and wants to help me in any way possible. (I'm moving soon..) I miss him so badly and I want him back. I can tell he still loves me, but he did say that he thinks this break is for the best. What's going on in his head? What can I do to get him back? How can I expedite his realization, which I'm sure will hit him, that what we had was much better than "flexibility"? Thanks for your advice.
Debster Posted July 13, 2004 Posted July 13, 2004 Re-adjust your attitude. Why does he get to decide whether or not to stay with you? Why don't you take the power away from him and make your own mind up? Granted, I know that you love him and care for him - heck you want to marry him. But doesn't it tell you something that he isn't AS sure as you? Don't you deserve someone who KNOWS how he feels? Basically he cares about you but he knows you are not 'The One'. There is nothing you can do about it - except accept it. I know that it is hard. I had to go through this myself years ago. But let me tell you, once you do find someone who loves you 100%, it is amazing. You deserve to find that.
hurting so bad Posted July 13, 2004 Posted July 13, 2004 Go out and buy "hes scared shes scared" at your barnes and noble or on amazon.....he is a cp
Author junegloom Posted July 14, 2004 Author Posted July 14, 2004 I'll have a look at the book you suggested.. but what is a cp?
RoboHobo Posted July 14, 2004 Posted July 14, 2004 Hey junegloom, I'm sorry that you are hurting so much, Debster is absolutely right though. Take the power into your hands and make the choices yourself. You guys do love each other from what I gather, but try not to put as much pressure on him as you did before. I'm not sure how old you and he are, but he sounds young. He will eventually want to settle down and I hope it's with you. Till he is ready try to enjoy being in a relationship with someone who loves you, and enjoy the other aspects of your life part from him too. Good luck!
Author junegloom Posted July 14, 2004 Author Posted July 14, 2004 Thanks for your advice, RoboHobo and Hurting so bad.. I'm not sure if giving him an ultimatum is the way forward.. After all, it was the pressure that made him want to break it off. So I don't know what to do.. but it will come to me I guess. I'm starting to see a life without him, and I have these little glimmers of excitement thinking about the freedom I have now to go anywhere, do anything, etc.. Not to mention the cute dudes out there to meet.. I just have this awful vision of my future.. happily married to some other nice guy with kids, and being content enough but always wondering how this relationship went so bad after being so good.. In a word.. I'm afraid of regret. I don't want to regret our breaking up. I guess that's how all of us feel with these things.. It does seem he still loves me and wants me around. Now I'm trying to figure out how to do that without being too assertive. How do I get him to come back to me without pressuring him BUT without too much effort on my side (since I really should be thinking of what *I* want now)? I guess I'll let him do all the work. If he wants to see me, he has to make the effort. But I don't want to appear too aloof. Oh what the h*ll, mystery never hurt anybody.. Don't know what to do.. but thank you anyway for your advice!! If anybody has any similar stories, I would love to hear them.
RoboHobo Posted July 14, 2004 Posted July 14, 2004 I promise that you will be great. You have even started to see the silver lining! If you decide to move on, make sure that you love the person that you end up with and that he loves you. If you do this I guarantee that you won't have any regrets, although you may wonder what might have been. I think that this is natural, just what ever you do, be happy with who you are and be happy in the relationship you are in.
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