Owl Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 The A is still ongoing, yes? Guess she's just ticked because she doesn't have the power over you anymore.
turnera Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 Hahaha! What did she expect? That you would be her friend now? And anyway, SHE went looking for a lawyer FIRST!
Author dscl Posted August 6, 2012 Author Posted August 6, 2012 The A is still ongoing, yes? Guess she's just ticked because she doesn't have the power over you anymore. Yep, A is still ongoing. Why I knew this had to be done, I'm still sad that it is the breakup of my family, making it worst today is my daughter's first day of school. But I know I could not keep living this way, I had to move out of the land of limbo. 1
whichwayisup Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 Yep, A is still ongoing. Why I knew this had to be done, I'm still sad that it is the breakup of my family, making it worst today is my daughter's first day of school. But I know I could not keep living this way, I had to move out of the land of limbo. She brought this all on herself, yet she's going to blame you. I am sorry that your daughter is hurting, this isn't going to be easy so please do family counselling so she can adjust and talk about how she feels about everything.
Owl Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 Tell your wife to get over it. She's cheating on you, and refuses to change...she should have EXPECTED this. 3
NotCamelot Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 I am shocked at her response. What did she really think was going to happen?!?!? Man, I am really sorry for you are going through.
Author dscl Posted August 6, 2012 Author Posted August 6, 2012 Well I think it's all starting to sink in for her, she's called me more today than she has in the last three months..... I have not answered.
turnera Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 I like this response: "What did you think was going to happen?" Hard to argue with that one.
GLDheart Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 How selfish of you to punish her! You wicked man not understanding her needs. She even cooked you Supper! How dare you destroy the family that she worked so hard to.... .... oh. $hit, I can't keep a straight face anymore... That broad is amazing. Screw her. In fact, with the way she's getting all anxious now, I suspect that you may get the chance. The wicked side of me would revel in that oppurtunity.
karnak Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 be prepared op - she's probably going to try to have sex with you. Women like your wife think their vaginas have some sort of magical powers. brilliant!
drifter777 Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 dscl: Congratulations on the courage it takes to do the right thing. I salute you! Of course your wife is angry - she can't "have her cake and eat it to" anymore. So what that your divorce will be contentious - they almost always are. I'm sure you will find it's well worth the effort to get rid of her and start your own new life.
Author dscl Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 So talked to the wife when she came home for about two hours. She was crying the whole time and told me that the worst part of the paperwork was me asking for full custody and said if I removed that and went for joint and mediation instead of court, she would sign anything I wanted and would leave with just her clothes and will move out within two weeks. Now I do have to say that in the last couple of weeks she has been home and has been in our daughter's life more, don't know if this is because the affair is cooling off or that the guilt of what she did to our daughter got to her. I told her that if she left me with EVERYTHING an in the paperwork state that her A partner was not to be anywhere near my daughter on her time with her that I would think about it. I think that if I go to court I could get full custody, but at what cost? Concern that taking it to court will have a longer affect on my daughter than taking the offer my wife is giving me, also like knowing I can keep my house and car and money without a fight and huge legal fees. So I will call my lawyer in the morning and find out what my options are. Thoughts?
Steadfast Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 I have not participated much in this thread but I have been following it. You're doing fine; doing the only thing you can do; moving on and making the best of it. Erie how close your circumstances mirror mine. I feel it. 1) The tears are the oldest trick in the female bag of tricks. Don't fall for them. Remember how cold she was to you when you were suffering and in limbo. That's the real her. She cares, but you're WAY down on the list. 2) If she lied to you before she'll lie again, so be wary of taking comfort in something she 'promises' to do. Can you understand that's how it is now? The change in custody/procedure has everything to do with money (and, to a lesser extent, her pride) and nothing to do with the good of the child. Still, compromises must sometimes be made. If you can survive without her paying you child support, then agree. In time, if she's still with the AP she'll bring the daughter around. I'm not sure if any judge would sign off on this if it came to the bench. No matter what she's done, you can't control what she does with the child if physical danger or illegal activity isn't involved. I understand your position but you must understand reality. Breathe. Talk with your lawyer. You'll always be her dad. No one else. 3
turnera Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 I don't understand the things she's asking for. Custody, I get, but mediation? The only reason I can see her wanting that is money. I would try to figure out her motivation before agreeing to anything. Her not bringing POSOM around your daughter is uninforcable. Don't give up something else to get that. 1
Author dscl Posted August 7, 2012 Author Posted August 7, 2012 Well STBXW made dinner again, if I don't post for a couple of days send the police this thread!!
CarrieT Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Well STBXW made dinner again, if I don't post for a couple of days send the police this thread!! Make your own meals. Or eat out...
2sunny Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Tears and having her cook a meal is supposed to make up for her ruining lives by cheating? Don't fall for such easy manipulation tactics! Don't even eat the food she cooks - that's sending her a signal that you are ok with her bad behavior! Don't agree with anything! She can ASK for anything she wants - but it doesn't mean you need to do what she asks for.
Author dscl Posted August 11, 2012 Author Posted August 11, 2012 Well I guess the roller coaster ride continues. Not only has she changed her mind about joint custody, she now thinks it would be best if SHE had full custody!!! Her reason being, she does not think it would be good for our D to have to go from house to house. I said then fine, I should have full custody because this is the house she grow up in and all her friends live in this area. She came back with "Well maybe I should not let you have the house"!! So it seems this is going to turn into an ugly court case, sucks because I was hoping it would not for D and me. STBXW does not know all the stuff I have that will be coming out if this does go to court, but I guess I have no choice, I have to do what I think would be best for my D even if it causes me to loose $$$ and the house. Funny ( get the 2x4 ready) I had a thought in the back of my mind that there could be a chance of us R a couple of years down the road if she had true remorse and was out of the fog, today I see that there is no chance of that, I accept that this is not the woman that should be part of my life. Calling my lawyer on Monday to get our game plan ready. Never thought I would be here, but now that I am, I going all in.
Author dscl Posted August 11, 2012 Author Posted August 11, 2012 I think its outstanding that you have decided that sometimes the return on investment just simply isn't there. take it from me dscl, you WILL beat this and like myself you are relatively young and have a lot of options that will fly your way. The next chapter of your life will be for YOU and your children, if any. Most likely you may never forget your old life but the day WILL COME when you can truly look back and tell yourself that your old life is gone and the NOW is what will count and define who you are....I promise you that. The end of one thing, the start of something NEW.... Thanks pinballtim, it really helps to think of a brighter future.
Author dscl Posted August 11, 2012 Author Posted August 11, 2012 I have not participated much in this thread but I have been following it. You're doing fine; doing the only thing you can do; moving on and making the best of it. Erie how close your circumstances mirror mine. I feel it. 1) The tears are the oldest trick in the female bag of tricks. Don't fall for them. Remember how cold she was to you when you were suffering and in limbo. That's the real her. She cares, but you're WAY down on the list. 2) If she lied to you before she'll lie again, so be wary of taking comfort in something she 'promises' to do. Can you understand that's how it is now? The change in custody/procedure has everything to do with money (and, to a lesser extent, her pride) and nothing to do with the good of the child. Still, compromises must sometimes be made. If you can survive without her paying you child support, then agree. In time, if she's still with the AP she'll bring the daughter around. I'm not sure if any judge would sign off on this if it came to the bench. No matter what she's done, you can't control what she does with the child if physical danger or illegal activity isn't involved. I understand your position but you must understand reality. Breathe. Talk with your lawyer. You'll always be her dad. No one else. Yep, seems everything you said was right, last time I take ANYTHING she says at face value. 1
Steadfast Posted August 11, 2012 Posted August 11, 2012 Word of warning: Proof of infidelity probably won't get you anything, even though adultery is still illegal in many states. The courts turn a deaf ear to 'he said, she said' and usually won't tolerate any discussion of it. The biggest custody factor? Police records. Domestic issues, DUIs and such are huge red flags. The court's most common solution? Good old joint custody, mediation if demanded (or you can't agree) and a wage assessment. Welcome to the way it is. Push to settle out of court by warning her that a fight will cost BOTH of you lots and lots of money. Your edge? You already have a lawyer and are clearly ready to do battle. Believe me when I say she's shaking in her boots...hoping to bluff or smooth things over, whatever it takes for her life to be easier. Fact: If you go to court, she'll get more than she deserves. I'm sorry to say she's thinking about her, the OM, and money. You and the child are probably not in the top five...even though she'll swear that the child "Is the most important thing in the world!" Believe actions. Not words. You have to be confident and FIRM. She must see and taste that you are done. She'll resent your bitterness but she'll respect (or fear) your cool resolve. Even better? Be nice. Smile and greet her warmly. Be a man. 1
Author dscl Posted August 14, 2012 Author Posted August 14, 2012 So and update..... So as I've said before, I know that putting in the paper work and beginning this process is something I had to do but I was still feeling sad,hurt and angry about everything that is happening. But at some point today for a reason I don't know, it hit me... No mater what, I'm going to be OK!! Today was my daughter's meet the teacher day at her school, I came home, picked her up an made her dinner.Wife came home about 30mins later, we had idle chit chat and for no reason I gave her a hug and as I was pulling away I gave her a smack on the butt. She was taken back by it and said " You think that was a good idea?"I said "Why do you think it was wrong?" and she said "I don't know" I left it at that and we left for the school. While there I was just happy, talked to the wife about school stuff, talked to the teacher about stuff and after an hour we left. Once home, told the wife, "Listen don't wan't you to get the wrong idea, what I did before we left was because I'm done feeling sad, I know no matter what happens between us I'm going to be OK", she said, yeah we are going to be OK (I did not correct her about saying "we" I did say "I'm going to be OK" She has been working on this major project for work and has been going to B&N to do it, saying she need a quiet place to work. (I still has access to her email so I know this is true) as she was leaving she looks back an ask me "are you OK?" I said yes, why do you ask? and she says just want to make sure, and then she left. I gotta say I am OK, no matter how bad the divorce goes, losing the house, child issues destroyed credit etc etc... I know I'll make it to the other side with a better life. I'm done feeling sad and scared, I'm done feeling I have to check up on her and feeling like less of a man because she wants to be with someone else, I know I have issues that I need to work on and I am but I also know Im a good man, good father and maybe sometime in the future, a good husband to a woman who respects me and wants to be with me over anyone else. Now don't get me wrong, while I want to have the divorce be as civil as possible, if she does want to get ugly with it, I will still DESTROY her and OM's reputation and in the future, let my wife have to explain to our daughter why she did what she did. Today was a good day. 1
Steadfast Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 That was a positive post. No need to dissect it too much, but part of the reason you're feeling stronger is because you managed to fight off feelings of hate for her. I understand you hate what she's doing (you should) but that intense anger and overwhelming feeling of "Why Me?" exhausts a person of their energy and drains their resolve. We must remember that bad things happen to good people. That won't keep us from loathing it happening to us, but it will hold the pity-party and nerve wracking anguish at bay. Keep it up! I lost everything but my business and a few paid for belongings, but the biggest loss was my family...my whole family, together. This has proven to be the biggest challenge. I am often reminded to accept the realization that she had it in her power to destroy it, and that is what she chose to do. Everyone with a family lives under that threat, don't they? Some, like us, experience it and live to tell the tale. Hopefully, someone will listen. Proud of, and for you. Keep breathing. 3
Ninja'sHusband Posted August 14, 2012 Posted August 14, 2012 I've really only read the OP's posts...congrats on standing up to your wife, I applaud that part, but I want to point out that the thing that's generally best for kids is for them to have equal access to both parents and not have a custody\financial war going on. I'm 1.5 months separated from my wife right now. We've been through mediation and have a joint custody plan that has been worked out and implemented for the last month and a half. Our daughter seems amazingly happy given the situation. It does help that one parent (myself) stayed in the house so daughter keeps her old bedroom.
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